somedude81 Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 (edited) People who've seen my posts might get the idea that I'm desperate to find a girlfriend, and they're not wrong. But I'm posting anonymously on the internet and I don't hold anything back. When I'm with girls in real life, I try really hard to not appear desperate or needy at all because I know it scares girls off. Some female posters have said that a woman can sense if a man is desperate even if he is trying to hide it. So what's actually wrong with being a little desperate? Nobody, man or woman, really wants to be alone. Why is the man who really wants a girlfriend worse than the girl who always has a boyfriend and is never by herself? Edited October 19, 2010 by somedude81
Els Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 It's just the strange part of human nature, I guess. If you had a dog that jumped on you every time you got back and would not let go til you played with him, would you look forward to playing with him, or instead with the other dog who sometimes wags his tail to indicate that he wants to play, but doesn't mind if you don't, and isn't there all the damn time?
U1987 Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 It's just the strange part of human nature, I guess. If you had a dog that jumped on you every time you got back and would not let go til you played with him, would you look forward to playing with him, or instead with the other dog who sometimes wags his tail to indicate that he wants to play, but doesn't mind if you don't, and isn't there all the damn time? What I think the OP is asking is this; you can't willingly shut off your feelings like a lamp or a sink. It happens. If you don't drink for a while, you get thirsty. If you don't eat for a while, you get hungry. If you don't blink for a while, your eyes get dry and itchy. And if you don't date for a while, you get desperate. All he's asking is, how do you compensate for that?
LittleTiger Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Everybody wants to be loved for who they are, because they are special, unique and, at least in their partner's eyes, better than everyone else. If you come across as desperate it's hardly going to make a girl feel special is it? I can't get anybody else so I settled for you - you're better than nobody!
GooseChaser Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 A person can avoid getting into a desperate state by keeping themselves busy with their own things and being happy with their life as a single person. That way they don't need a significant other to be happy, they can focus on growing as a person without having to worry about a S.O., and they can make themselves better people in preparation for that time that they DO meet that special person.
GooseChaser Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Everybody wants to be loved for who they are, because they are special, unique and, at least in their partner's eyes, better than everyone else. If you come across as desperate it's hardly going to make a girl feel special is it? I can't get anybody else so I settled for you - you're better than nobody! Yeah, I would want a guy who likes me because of who I am, not just because I'm a woman.
LittleTiger Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 A person can avoid getting into a desperate state by keeping themselves busy with their own things and being happy with their life as a single person. That way they don't need a significant other to be happy, they can focus on growing as a person without having to worry about a S.O., and they can make themselves better people in preparation for that time that they DO meet that special person. Now this is quite an interesting reply because I don't believe in all this 'being happy alone' nonsense. Human beings are not meant to be alone. We're social creatures and we are programmed to 'pair off' at least temporarily, if not for life. We do need to be whole individuals before we can form half of a couple but that doesn't mean we have to be happy without a partner. However, wanting a relationship and not being entirely happy or fulfilled without one, is not the same as being desperate. You can be actively seeking a partner but know what you want and will hold out until the right person comes along. Desperate is something else. Desperate is clinging on to the first person who shows any kind of interest just so that you aren't alone and that's just sad - for both people involved. Looking for a partner is good and can be great fun, desperately seeking anybody to fill a gap in your soul is unhealthy and very likely to lead to unhappiness.
Sabali Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Why is ugly "ugly?" Why are private parts private? Does it really have to do with an apple? Why is cold water refreshing and warm water is not so refreshing? Why when someone loves another and that person cheats on that someone there is a pain in the chest but there is not necessarily a physical wound or pathology existing in the chest? Why do people feel uncomfortable when their personal space is violated yet the person violating the personal space obviously means no harm? Why is yawning so infectious? What is "this?" Not every thing has a "clear" answer in this world. You just have to accept them as they are.
skydiveaddict Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Now this is quite an interesting reply because I don't believe in all this 'being happy alone' nonsense. Human beings are not meant to be alone. I couldn't agree more
krz12 Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 It's just the strange part of human nature, I guess. If you had a dog that jumped on you every time you got back and would not let go til you played with him, would you look forward to playing with him, or instead with the other dog who sometimes wags his tail to indicate that he wants to play, but doesn't mind if you don't, and isn't there all the damn time? Is that the right definition, though? Like I'm getting pretty desperate to find a girlfriend, but if one fell out of the sky for me and I had one, I wouldn't really want to be there all the damn time.
GooseChaser Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Now this is quite an interesting reply because I don't believe in all this 'being happy alone' nonsense. Human beings are not meant to be alone. We're social creatures and we are programmed to 'pair off' at least temporarily, if not for life. We do need to be whole individuals before we can form half of a couple but that doesn't mean we have to be happy without a partner. However, wanting a relationship and not being entirely happy or fulfilled without one, is not the same as being desperate. You can be actively seeking a partner but know what you want and will hold out until the right person comes along. Desperate is something else. Desperate is clinging on to the first person who shows any kind of interest just so that you aren't alone and that's just sad - for both people involved. Looking for a partner is good and can be great fun, desperately seeking anybody to fill a gap in your soul is unhealthy and very likely to lead to unhappiness. Yeah, but not everyone is going to find someone. Some people just don't have "soul mates". Would you agree? Does that mean that they cannot be happy? People can find other people to create bonds with, such as parents, friends, mentors, children (if they choose to become single parents), and pets.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 If you look at the long terms of things, eventually your desperation will into suffocation for your partner. If the situation was reversed, would you really interested in girl that was desperate to be with you? She calls you at most 24/7, repeatedly texts you, waits outside your house when you get home, wants to stay with you all the time, even legitimately moving in under short notice; I'm certain that would actually terrify you. I agree with the other posters that humans are not to be alone, but given that there are a trillion people on this planet, you're bound to find someone who wants to be with you. Accept the fact that you are alone now, but might not be in the future.
Author somedude81 Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 It's just the strange part of human nature, I guess. If you had a dog that jumped on you every time you got back and would not let go til you played with him, would you look forward to playing with him, or instead with the other dog who sometimes wags his tail to indicate that he wants to play, but doesn't mind if you don't, and isn't there all the damn time? Ugh, you reminded me why I'm a cat person That still doesn't explain why a girl would try to avoid a guy who she thinks might be desperate. Everybody wants to be loved for who they are, because they are special, unique and, at least in their partner's eyes, better than everyone else. If you come across as desperate it's hardly going to make a girl feel special is it? I can't get anybody else so I settled for you - you're better than nobody! Good answer. But why would a girl think that a guy settled for her? Shouldn't she feel special that he actually picked her and chooses to pursue her? A desperate guy takes what he is given, he wouldn't actually work on trying to get something. A person can avoid getting into a desperate state by keeping themselves busy with their own things and being happy with their life as a single person. That way they don't need a significant other to be happy, they can focus on growing as a person without having to worry about a S.O., and they can make themselves better people in preparation for that time that they DO meet that special person. Eh, nobody wants to be alone and humans are social animals. LittleTiger pretty much covers it so there's no need to repeat what she said. However, wanting a relationship and not being entirely happy or fulfilled without one, is not the same as being desperate. You can be actively seeking a partner but know what you want and will hold out until the right person comes along. Desperate is something else. Desperate is clinging on to the first person who shows any kind of interest just so that you aren't alone and that's just sad - for both people involved. Looking for a partner is good and can be great fun, desperately seeking anybody to fill a gap in your soul is unhealthy and very likely to lead to unhappiness. Great post. I do agree that there is a difference between "wanting a relationship and not being entirely happy or fulfilled without one" and being desperate. I believe that I am the former. There have been women who have shown interest in me but they didn't meet my criteria while possessing some deal-breakers that I just couldn't accept. So I'm not just looking for anybody or even anybody with a pretty face and a hot body. I want a girl who's attractive to me, fun to be with and has common interests. So while I really want a girlfriend, I won't settle for just anybody.
daphne Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I don't think there's anything wrong with being desperate. I just think it's pragmatic not to let it show. You don't want to scare off a good prospect by trying too hard. You want things to happen a bit more organically. Otherwise, people feel encroached on by your needs and wants. Everyone's felt desperation at wanting someone to love at some point. Even the good looking, the rich, the uber successful. But human nature works such that you have to be a little patient and relax a little to get what you want.
Author somedude81 Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 If you look at the long terms of things, eventually your desperation will into suffocation for your partner. Do girls think about the long term when they are considering to date a guy or not? If the situation was reversed, would you really interested in girl that was desperate to be with you? She calls you at most 24/7, repeatedly texts you, waits outside your house when you get home, wants to stay with you all the time, even legitimately moving in under short notice; I'm certain that would actually terrify you. Yeah it doesn't sound too appealing. That's somebody I would have to end things with before they got too serious. Of course a person isn't going to instantly change one day and go all stalker. There would be warning signs about what a person is like.
TouchedByViolet Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 If you look at the long terms of things, eventually your desperation will into suffocation for your partner. If the situation was reversed, would you really interested in girl that was desperate to be with you? She calls you at most 24/7, repeatedly texts you, waits outside your house when you get home, wants to stay with you all the time, even legitimately moving in under short notice; I'm certain that would actually terrify you. I agree with the other posters that humans are not to be alone, but given that there are a trillion people on this planet, you're bound to find someone who wants to be with you. Accept the fact that you are alone now, but might not be in the future. Why do some people link feeling desperate with being clingy? They are not at all the same, maybe this says something about the posters? Feeling lonely for years is difficult to deal with and desperation is a natural reaction. I dont believe all the bs about women being able to sense it even if you don't show it. Also there are not a trillion people in the world. The number is just under 7 billion.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Do girls think about the long term when they are considering to date a guy or not? Some girls do, just like some guys do.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Why do some people link feeling desperate with being clingy? They are not at all the same, maybe this says something about the posters? Feeling lonely for years is difficult to deal with and desperation is a natural reaction. I dont believe all the bs about women being able to sense it even if you don't show it. Also there are not a trillion people in the world. The number is just under 7 billion. I do think there is a link. If someone is desperate enough, don't they naturally " cling" onto the first person that gives them any amount of attention? Desperation naturally makes a person clingy depending on the situation. Also I just made up the trillion. I wasn't going by statistics, I was just demonstrating how big of a world this is.
Star Gazer Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Why is the man who really wants a girlfriend worse than the girl who always has a boyfriend and is never by herself? They're equal, IMO. The problem with a desperate guy, is you never know if he's really into you specifically, or if he'd be happy with any woman as his girlfriend. No woman wants to question that...
Star Gazer Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Now this is quite an interesting reply because I don't believe in all this 'being happy alone' nonsense. Human beings are not meant to be alone. We're social creatures and we are programmed to 'pair off' at least temporarily, if not for life. We do need to be whole individuals before we can form half of a couple but that doesn't mean we have to be happy without a partner. Yes, we're social creatures...but who's to say we need a partner to meet that social need?
that girl Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 There is really wanting a relationship with someone who you match well with. Then there is just wanting someone, anyone. That is desperate and no one wants to feel interchangable.
Titania22 Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 People who've seen my posts might get the idea that I'm desperate to find a girlfriend, and they're not wrong. But I'm posting anonymously on the internet and I don't hold anything back. When I'm with girls in real life, I try really hard to not appear desperate or needy at all because I know it scares girls off. Some female posters have said that a woman can sense if a man is desperate even if he is trying to hide it. So what's actually wrong with being a little desperate? Nobody, man or woman, really wants to be alone. Desperate is the energy a person can resonate with. If a woman is intuitive she can feel that. When you say you are desperate for a girlfriend, I interpret that as a need for closeness and intimacy that isn't currently being filled at the moment. A friend of mine recently told me about cuddle parties, which I must admit sounded really weird to me at the time, but there is a wikipedia page about them. As my friend explained, in our society, it is very hard for people and men especially to fulfil their need for physical closeness when they are not in a relationship. Anyway if you can find such a party in your area, it could give you an experience of the closeness you are missing. Then you wouldn't be giving off desperate vibes. It's interesting that lots of men have told me that women are interested in them only when they are already in relationships. Another thing is many men look better (clothes, hair, hygiene) when they are in a relationship. So maybe asking a female friend for fashion advice would help too.
dispatch3d Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 What I think the OP is asking is this; you can't willingly shut off your feelings like a lamp or a sink. It happens. If you don't drink for a while, you get thirsty. If you don't eat for a while, you get hungry. If you don't blink for a while, your eyes get dry and itchy. And if you don't date for a while, you get desperate. All he's asking is, how do you compensate for that? date more. There is no other way. You can fake it until you make it, as they say, but honestly dating is the only thing that will truly help....
GooseChaser Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Yes, we're social creatures...but who's to say we need a partner to meet that social need? Exactly! Thank you, SG!
bac Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 There is nothing wrong with being desperate if you are communicating with girls who are desperate as well. Also, you both should be desperate about the same things. In other words, you both should match each other and be on the same page about what you want. For example, I am desperate for sex. Therefore, I would like to deal with a guy who is desperate for sex as well. I do not want for sex a guy who is like a dead/cold fish. But, I am not desperate about a serious relationship at all. Therefore, if a guy is desperate about exclusivity, jealousy, control, neediness, being a BF and other things like that, I do not want to deal with him.
Recommended Posts