I my ex a total CP or what??

[Chance_taker]

Im a long time follower of LS which has gotten me through the last 1.5 months of basically hell. So this is my first post which I hope I can get some different perspectives on. Please bear with me because I have a lot to get out. Thanks in advance.

 

Okay so I'll go back to 3 years ago when I met my now ex on myspace of all places. Im 31 and she's 27. We emailed back and forth for a few weeks. I noticed right away that this girl is somehow different but in a good way. She was not into playing games and which I really appreciated because Im rather straight to the point myself. So our emails eventually lead into her wanting to talk to me on YIM. I agree and we have a great, almost too good to be true time just talking on there. We talk about our past relationships and what each other is looking for in a partner. This goes on for a few days until we exchange numbers and begin long chats on the phone. We spend much our free time just talking and having great conversations and Im really feeling this could be moving on to us finally meeting in person. Im a bit careful because I was only a few months out of being in a LTR and wasnt sure I was ready to let myself go completely. However I let my guard down and we agree to meet for our first date. We make it a few weeks out because of prior committments. So fast forward to a few days before we are to meet. She throws me a curveball. She says she's "scared how great of a connection we are having and its almost too good to be true". This bothers me and I dig a little more to find out that her past relationship actually ended badly. Her grandmother passed away and her bf cheated and left her for another in the same week. So I could sense that she was a little bitter over it but I pretty much shrugged it off. That to me should have been a red flag.... but thats hindsight.

 

We meet for our first date and to say the least I was blown away. She was more beautiful in person than in her pictures. I just cant imagine how someone could cheat and treat someone so amazing like that. Anyhow we have so much chemistry and have the most amazing time. It takes so much will power on both our parts to for us to both part ways for the night.

 

So we continue to spend time with each other and she would frequently spend the night at my place and we would spend most our free time together. So I just assumed we were heading towards actually being a couple. So this goes on for a few more weeks and we never talked about whether we were officially together. So one night after we had been out for a few drinks and end up back home I bring up the conversation about "us". She immediately gets cold and distant. She says that I was pressuring her and she didn't like that. WTH I never brought it up before and she had been staying most nights at my place and we were doing everything couples were doing just without the title. So I pretty much just drop it for the night and the next day she leaves and then I dont hear from here for a few days and that was totally not her. So Im worried and getting frustrated because she isnt returning my calls or texts. She eventually calls me back and says she's been talking to another guy for the past few weeks and is thinking about going visit him. He lives a few hours away. Apparently they met about the same time we did and because I was the closer guy she had been spending her time with me out of convenience, at least thats the way I took it. I was blown away and felt blindsided by this. So I naturally said dont go and did the exact things the old confident me wouldn't have done. She says she is starting to fall for me and its scaring her. So she goes anyways and Im hurt but since we weren't actually a couple what could I do? So she calls me the next day and says she had a good time but thats it and they didn't sleep together. I pretty much took a stand and said Im done and I deserve better than that. She then proceeds to break down and tell me she doesn't want to lose me and she chooses me and she said she's ready to put both feet into the relationship. I told her the only way is if that the other guy is out of the picture. So she said she would email him and let him know she's decided to be with me and to please respect that.

 

That was the last I heard of that and things were going great or so I thought for a few months when I find out she's been talking with that same guy for the past few weeks. So we talk and Im obviously angry and feel betrayed. She says it nothing and he just wont take no for an answer. Well eventually our arguement leads to her needing space. So I give it to her and go NC. Lasts for about 2 weeks w/o any contact and she shows up saying she missed me and wants to see me again. I take her back but obviously Im a little leary and she knows this. So its basically her doing the pursuing at this point and damn right it should be that way because Im nobody's doormat.

 

So we go on for another year or so and alls great until she starts being distant again. She want's another break to figure out what she wants. So again I have no choice and give her what she asks for. This time she gets angry with me after a few weeks of NC because I never pursued her or acted like I care. This is not true, I gave her what she wanted because I truly love this girl and wanted us to work. Again she came back and we were back on again. Another thing to be noted here is she always spent her time at my place and had her own place but never stayed there. I thought what a waste of $ for us both to be paying rent so I often brought up her moving in when her lease ran out. She always changed the subject and would never give me a straight answer. So after 2 years she still has her own place and it would be months at a time and she wouldn't even go back there. So I didn't understand that but none the less I didn't want to put pressure on her. However eventually her lease ran out and we basically felt like this was the next step and moved in but I could feel reluctance on her end. We had such an amazing relationship and I could see her as my wife one day.

 

Ok so we go for a few months and I believe everythings great and I couldn't be happier with this girl. But one day I get the dreaded we need to talk. She up and leaves and says she doesn't expect me to understand. After over 3 years together. How can someone just leave someone else and say she doesn't expect me to understand? Im crushed and everyday has been constant reminders of us. But my question is does it seem like she is a CP and if so does someone like that ever change their ways. A few things about her

 

1) The longest relationship she has ever been in has been 7 months. She says she normally is the one to leave except her last one.

 

2) She has never stayed at a job for more than a few months before moving on to something else.

 

3) She has said she has a negative outlook on marriage most of her life because her parents got divorced when she was young.

 

Any perspectives on this I'd appreciate.

[fabio10]

She seems to get cold feet ALOT numerous times asking for space for example, I'am 27 and to be honest Im not sure what I want and maybe she is the same, maybe you were just tooooo into her and gave too much of yourself, maybe you were tooooo easy. I know you are hurting but to be honest I think you may have had a lucky escape from reading what you wrote I get the feeling your relationship may have been lobsided ie you doing all you could to make it work, hold your head high you did nothing wrong really only be yourself but try to learn from it !

[Chance_taker]

I wouldn't say I made it too easy but I definitely was the one doing most of the pursuing in the r. Its been 1.5 months and Im trying to move on with my life. I think the worst part in all of this is I haven't gotten the closure I need to move on and I don't want to contact her because I am still very hurt over the way things ended. Now as I see it I have 2 options. I could either keep up with NC indefinitely and risk never fully receiving closure, or I could contact her and risk opening up the wounds of the break up and still getting no closure because she would probably not give me the answers anyways. Ugh I've gone through splits before but this is the worst I've ever had to deal with. I never did anything but love this girl and I can't wrap my brain around how someone can be so cold to someone who they spent so many great memories with. I don't see me opening up to anyone again for quite a while.

[strangeways]

Whether or not she's a CP (she does seem to diplay some of the classic behaviours) you've got closure already. She left. Same happenned to me. I wanted reasons in the post break up mess and all I got was mixed messages and more confusion.

 

I realised then that she couldn't be straight with me because she couldn't be straight with herself. If you try to get an answer all you'll get is excuses based on her own guilt, remorse whatever. She'll just tell you things she thinks you want to hear. Go NC.

 

I guess being cold to you is her own defence mechanism to deal with whatever emotions she's dealing with.

 

I agree with Fabio. You've probably had a "lucky" escape.

[Chance_taker]

Im really trying to see the silver lining in all of this and I keep running myself in circles. I really want to reach out to her to see how she's doing and see if I can sense any regret, but I promised myself after the way she ended things and left me hanging she doesn't deserve to hear the sound of my voice anymore for any reason. The only way she will get to hear my voice is if she comes back to me saying she made a huge mistake, and even then my pain grows weaker every day and I become stronger so chances are I won't take her back anyways. I guess in all pain there's some sort of healing and I will be a better person because of all that has transpired.

[kaycstamper]

This person would definitely scare me. She seems to have commitment phobia, and doesn't want to lay all the cards on the table. I don't think I'd consider even if she said she'd made a mistake. Some mistakes are worth noting.