Am I Being a Dick or Coping? Not Trying to "Win" The Break-up.

[EnvisioningLife]

My girlfriend of seven years and I broke up a couple months ago. We're in our early 30s. Our relationship had changed over time, as every relationship does. But most importantly, we both felt like we'd become worse people over the last few years; unmotivated, dependent, and not accomplishing our goals. We were both feeling stressed and depressed, and couldn't seem to solve our problems together. Our lives, and our life together, felt stagnant.

 

After talking about this over the past six or nine months, we decided that the best thing for both of us was to split up, and focus on our own lives. We both said that we wanted to someday become better people, and maybe then we could have a life together again. We hoped to continue being great friends at some point, but were realistic that we should spend time apart in the beginning. It felt very mutual.

 

Once we decided to split, it took her some time to find a new place to live. That was a pretty terrible time - we spent it going out and drinking every night so as to not see each other at home. I worked late and went straight to the bar, and she pretty much did the same.

 

I know I should've leaned on my friends more to cope, but I couldn't stand to see most of my friends. Almost all of my close friends are mutual friends of me and my ex, and I can't hang out with them without thinking of our time together. I work with all my other friends, and I don't want my personal problems getting so intertwined with work.

 

After my ex moved out, I started hanging out with some new friends I'd made in the neighborhood, most of all with a woman I met whom I got along with very well. She's in a relationship and has a bunch of guy friends; I've always gotten along well with women and had plenty of platonic relationships. She's a bit of a tomboy and we share a bunch of interests, so we have lots to talk about. I'm in no way looking for or ready for another romantic relationship. But it's been great to have friends who I can get to know for the first time, and are interested in hanging out with me!

 

My ex ran into this woman a few times around our neighborhood and spoke to her. She later told me she had a really bad feeling about my friend, like she was going to try and hurt her/us, and that she actually wanted to date me. My ex asked me very directly to stop hanging out with this woman, because it makes her feel really terrible. She thinks I'm throwing myself into another relationship and devaluing our past relationship in the process.

 

I'm really confused. Having a close friend right now feels so important, even if it's not a friendship that's going to last. If I didn't have her prodding me to get out of the house and grab dinner or a beer with these or those friends, I'd be sitting on the couch moping instead of meeting new people. It seems absolutely good for me.

 

But on the other hand, I have too much respect for my ex to purposefully hurt her. We're splitting up and moving on, but we don't have any reason for animosity towards each other. I understand that she's hurt because I'm replacing her companionship and emotional support with other people, including another woman. And I started that right when she moved out! My ex told me she thinks I'm ruining our friendship by hanging out with this other woman.

 

I'm not sure if I'm being an insensitive *******, acting appropriately selfishly to help myself move on, or a bit of both. I'd appreciate some perspective and advice from others, since I don't really trust my own thoughts.

[WTRanger]

Your ex is an ex for a reason. Right now, it's way too soon to even consider being friends. Me thinks she's a bit stunned that you aren't chasing her like a puppy dog. Which, is great for you. Go meet new people. Use them for support as you should!

 

If you used your ex for support, then she'd no longer be your ex now wouldn't she? It doesn't matter if you are looking for a rebound, your ex can't control that. She's the EX! Which means ex EVERYTHING. She cannot control your life like that anymore.

 

You are not being selfish one bit. You are healing, moving on, and becoming a better person.

[thatsonlyme]

Until you get back together you have all the rights to do whatever you want!

From your story it seems like you guys agreed that MAYBE you will get back together. You split up because you were so dependent on each other, what's the point of breaking up if you still have to depend on her and be considerate about her feelings?

If I was you, I'd try to move on for real, she seems like a control freak.

 

Good luck man.

[Trovador]

You two are not codependant, you sir are dependant on her...

 

It seems like a bad joke, my ex saying another woman not to talk to me?

 

Visualize yourself doing the same to her... isn't it ridiculous? As if you were her daddy?

[EnvisioningLife]

WTRanger, thatsonlyme, Trovador:

 

Thanks for the advice! I definitely hear you.

 

I'm just not sure it's right to stop being considerate of her feelings. We didn't break up because we wronged each other, or hated each other. We were still very good friends.

 

I feel like I should still be considerate of her, like I would another friend, but not to the extent she's asking. And if she were being a good friend, she also wouldn't ask something like that of me.

 

So in the end I agree with what you're telling me to do, I'm just not sure if I totally agree with the reasons! It would definitely be easier to completely write her out of my life, but she hasn't done anything to deserve that. And I don't want that, at least not forever.