An Interesting Puzzle

[LiGuy79]

Okay mates, I've read your stories, I've heard the battle cry of No Contact and I've gone through the "get back your ex" books and such. I'd be very curious to see what the veterans of this particular war would view my situation as and so here goes...

 

My Fiancee (now ex) and I were living happily together for many years. We'd been together for 4 years before I'd asked her to marry me. We had a little rockiness here and there but no more than other relationships. I unfortunately lost my job back in late 2008 and had to take a job working nights to keep food on our table and a roof over our head. She says that she never looked down at me for taking that kind of work, and instead she was proud. I on the other hand was ashamed, angry, hurt and naturally depressed about the loss of what I saw was my career. 2009 was a really rough year for us but we struggled onward.

 

Then in the Summer of 2009, she went away to a Field Camp class for her profession. She was gone for a total of 6 weeks and when she came back she was a different person. Immediately I felt threatened by what happened, I felt that she had met somebody out there, that she didn't want to be with me, all the most horrible feelings you could think of. She gave everyone else but me time and attention and then I got the scraps.

 

She told me flat out when she came home that she didn't know what she wanted for her life anymore. That included me. I said I'd work to change her opinion of that and underwent a tremendous transformation back to the person I was before the depression and anger set in and messed me up. She told me she doubted the changes would stick, she was always doubting me, waiting for me to mess up.

 

Within a month and a half she took off the Engagement ring I gave her and said that she can't wear something that she is in so much doubt over.

 

We managed to make things work, we grew closer together slowly and then somehow it all went wrong. She began to think I was snooping through her personal emails, Facebook, etc. She felt I didn't trust her and then she broke it off 2 weeks ago. She said we have no trust and thus in reality we have nothing. "I love you but I can't be with you if I don't trust you, and I don't right now."

 

Here's the kicker, we live together in the same apartment. Have been for years. I see her everyday, we have dinner together, and say goodnight and adjourn to separate rooms. She has asked me for the dreaded "time and space" deal to get her head clear. In return, I vowed not to talk about our now dead relationship (past, future or otherwise). If things were so horrific being with me, I'd imagine she'd have truly packed up and left by now.

 

How the hell do I approach No Contact in a situation like this? I'm doing my best to ignore her, to not be the sweet person she remembers, but it's as natural as breathing for me. I love her so much and I know she loves me too. I hear from her friend that she really needs "a friend" right now. Someone she can depend on, talk to, and learn to trust again.

 

I've been given the advice to be her friend, just have fun with her and let things progress back together naturally. There's of course the risk of losing everything and being stuck in the damned friend zone. I don't want a friend, I want my future wife back. She told me to date, but in the same breath, she's told her friend she sort of regrets saying that. I'm trying to bury my heart, to try and move on and at the same time to try and win her heart.

 

She has told me time and again this has nothing to do with ANYONE else. Nor is she looking for anyone else, she's just trying to fix things with her.

 

In the meantime I die everyday seeing her go to sleep on an air matress while I sleep on my bed alone.

 

Tell me oh great collective powers of Loveshack.org...

 

what.would.you.do?

[Billie The Puppet]

How the hell do I approach No Contact in a situation like this? I'm doing my best to ignore her, to not be the sweet person she remembers, but it's as natural as breathing for me. I love her so much and I know she loves me too. I hear from her friend that she really needs "a friend" right now. Someone she can depend on, talk to, and learn to trust again.

 

I've been given the advice to be her friend, just have fun with her and let things progress back together naturally. There's of course the risk of losing everything and being stuck in the damned friend zone. I don't want a friend, I want my future wife back. She told me to date, but in the same breath, she's told her friend she sort of regrets saying that. I'm trying to bury my heart, to try and move on and at the same time to try and win her heart.

 

She has told me time and again this has nothing to do with ANYONE else. Nor is she looking for anyone else, she's just trying to fix things with her.

 

In the meantime I die everyday seeing her go to sleep on an air matress while I sleep on my bed alone.

 

Tell me oh great collective powers of Loveshack.org...

 

what.would.you.do?

 

She has interest in some one else, All this story except living together and work related stuff occurred also occurred with the ex and I.

 

My ex told me there isn't anyone else, My ex thought I was creeping her accounts, my ex was to be my future wife/fiancée, I was told to remain in the friends zone from one of her friends. She had the guy lined up already and was dating him in secret, also had to keep him away from her family too. They need to appear like they haven't jumped into another relationship and or guy right away because it will look bad on them. My ex's sisters fiancé out of respect for me told me the news.

[Ajax]

One of you needs to get out of that apartment. It's clearly only doing damage.

 

Honestly, I think you need to prepare yourself for the end. In fact, as much as it hurts, I think you need to pull the plug yourself if she can't. Dragging out the end like this is painful and unfair to both of you. At the very least you'll be able to hit the ground running towards recovery.

 

And is does sound like she met someone else. Take the high road and do the right thing. You'll respect yourself more for it.

[fabio10]

Tough situation, could'nt begin to understand but one piece of advice dont automatically assume there is someone else involved sometimes people REALLY do just need space get yourself out of that apartment for a month.

[alittlejaded]

In the time that she was gone, was there any indication that she might have been seeing someone else? If you have no reason to believe this then maybe she really does just need some space.

 

Unfortunately, we miss subtle cues that were there all along. However, until you have the hard facts I don't think you should lose hope. Hang in there, keep yourself busy with friends, and try to take care of yourself.

[LiGuy79]

Updates

 

So after a heart-to-heart with her best friend this is what has been found out ( and believe me she's truthful when I tell you this).

 

"She's really still very confused and hurt about everything that happened in the past year and how you treated her. There is absolutely nobody else and she definitely loves you. She needs time and space to clear her head and really needs me to be there for her as a friend right now. She has to resolve trust issues within herself and also dealing with you."

 

I'm told that I need to believe her when she tells me something. We're still living together, we're still acting as if we're sort of in a relationship but not. This is going to be the start of week 3 since the breakup and I haven't said anything to her about reconciling. My belief is that if I focus on myself and do what I can to make me happy, it will make her happy and we may yet still have a chance, maybe she'll remember what our life was like before?

 

She doesn't call me her ex, she tells everyone she knows that she honestly doesn't know if we can fix this but she's hoping that somehow we can. At the end of the day she tells me all about what happened, etc like normal. We eat dinner, enjoy the evening and then say good night to our separate rooms.

 

How long should I hold off before approaching her with the idea of starting over again mates?

[PegNosePete]

There is absolutely nobody else

I call bullsh*t on that. All the signs point to another party being involved. Maybe it's an emotional affair which she doesn't regard as such and therefore can easily deny, or maybe she just met someone else who she is *thinking* about leaving you for. But there is definitely someone else involved.

 

She has to resolve trust issues within herself

...and there we have it. Trust issues within herself? What the heck is that meant to mean? She doesn't trust herself? If she doesn't trust herself then why should you trust her? It's just a load of BS.

 

You should not ever approach her with the idea of starting over. You should immediately approach her with the idea of either her or you finding somewhere else to live. If she wants to start over then let her come to you. Otherwise, bye bye. SHE has asked for the split and you need to give it to her. If you beg, grovel etc you will just appear weak and she will want you even less. Be strong and stand up for yourself and your dignity.

[FalseHope]

Updates

 

So after a heart-to-heart with her best friend this is what has been found out ( and believe me she's truthful when I tell you this).

 

"She's really still very confused and hurt about everything that happened in the past year and how you treated her. There is absolutely nobody else and she definitely loves you. She needs time and space to clear her head and really needs me to be there for her as a friend right now. She has to resolve trust issues within herself and also dealing with you."

 

I'm told that I need to believe her when she tells me something. We're still living together, we're still acting as if we're sort of in a relationship but not. This is going to be the start of week 3 since the breakup and I haven't said anything to her about reconciling. My belief is that if I focus on myself and do what I can to make me happy, it will make her happy and we may yet still have a chance, maybe she'll remember what our life was like before?

 

She doesn't call me her ex, she tells everyone she knows that she honestly doesn't know if we can fix this but she's hoping that somehow we can. At the end of the day she tells me all about what happened, etc like normal. We eat dinner, enjoy the evening and then say good night to our separate rooms.

 

How long should I hold off before approaching her with the idea of starting over again mates?

 

 

Something very similar happened with me and my boyfriend of 3 years. We lived together and things like this happened. He told me there was nobody else, we're on week 2 of no contact and I'm slowly moving on. And we're supposedly just working on ourselves. However, when he approached me about needing space and time I moved out. I realized with me in the house he couldn't miss me or our relationship. He was slowly despising me and getting more and more anxious with me there. He loves me but wasn't IN love with me anymore. It slowly built up over time and was getting worse with each day I was waiting at home for him. Perhaps you need to move out or she does that way you both have a chance to fix this. First step is moving on and concentrating on yourself. How can you fix it if you're both around each other so much especially when one person is confused about you. They must be tormented and it has to be torturous to you. Time and space, literally. That's my advice.

[LiGuy79]

Basically the whole heart of our issue is trust. She lost trust in my dependability, she lost trust in the fact that I would make her the priority in my life, and worst of all she has lost trust in the idea that I trust HER. Truth be told, when she came home from her trip I really didn't trust her, but it was due to her coldness and distance, not any other reason other than that. I've been waiting for her to give me the "break" talk for at least 2 months now.

 

She tells her best friend that she wants to be friends with me again first and rebuild our trust and let things develop naturally as they did once before. She hasn't approached me about this, we're still very friendly to one another but I wonder...

 

should I bring this topic up at all or just wait for her?

 

NC is just not an option, and I even offered to move out of the apartment to live with friends so she wouldn't have to suffer. She looked shocked at me and upset at the idea of ME leaving. What the hell do I think of that?

 

We're 17 days into the breakup, 10 days into as much NC as I can get away with considering our situation. By day 31 I want to ask her on a date again, to see if there is the opportunity for a second chance or not...

[Trovador]

Damm ambivalence! Now I want you, now I don't... why do you like to live like that, my friend?

 

Ask her, talk to her... she is comfortable about the whole deal but clearly you are not... so what is left?

 

Or you should start to get used to that odd arrangement, since sooner than later she will take someone home to spend the night with...

[LiGuy79]

I'm really lost as to what to do now. I sat down and talked with her face to face the other night. I asked what she's going to tell some of her friends, she said "I'm telling them the truth. That I broke-up with you and that we're living together. Why is there another truth?" So I proposed that yes there is another truth, one where we can work together to mend the broken parts of our relationship. She said "I don't know if I can do this, somethings can't be fixed." I told her that this is not the case if two people really love each other that much. I then looked her in the eye and asked her if she really wanted me to go and sell her engagement ring and forget all about her for the rest of my life. She got teary eyed at this thought and then **** really hit the fan. She got really upset tried to leave the house, I looked at her and said "is there no way to reconcile, EVER?" She said no. Then left the house...now this is where the story gets confusing. She calls her dad and her best friend and states she's "deeply conflicted over this situation, not sure if I"m doing the right thing anymore."

 

So I'm told by her Father, to keep trying but not too hard and told by her friend to let her go so she can sort things out. In the meantime, we're still living together and she's still looking for an apartment. She wants me to be her friend while she heals, again there's nobody else in the picture. She took another look at the ring and then cried again for a while that night. Mates, I'm so lost as to what to do at this point. I'm trying to be distant, I'm trying to be 'low contact', I'm trying to giver her her space and move on. But I CANT move on if I know she's really doubting what she's done to us. There's one more vein of information to tap, her other best friend, should I even ask him or honor her wishes to "trust her words".

[Trovador]

She is not doubting, she feels bad because she knows the whole thing is hurting you... so, if you really loves her, don't show her your pain and make her believe you are taking this as a mature adult, which is how you should be acting by the way...

 

So, no more drama, no more begging, no more games... let her go, literally, because it's sick if you continue living together...

 

Sorry, man, there is no other way to look at this and believe me, that is better than second guessing, mixed signals, half truths and false hopes...

 

But you'll be fine in the near future...

[dng]

Bro.

 

Brace yourself for some bad news. People can be extremely secretive and she's obviously manipulating her friends and folks, leaking information to them knowing very well who's going to tell you what, while not telling you anything.

 

I had a similar situation were nothing made sense but someone else, and she swore to me 10x or a 100x it wasnt the case, but it was the case.

 

You have to stop thinking about her feelings and think about yours, as hard as that may seem. She is not protecting you from anything anymore and she's thinking solely of her needs and quite frankly she's malfunctioning at the moment and she will remain in the same limbo until god knows when.

 

You don't need to be rude or harsh or anything, but firm and again, you need to extirpate yourself from that situation because you are exposing yourself to alot of hurt and if you don't protect your own feelings, nobody else will.

[LiGuy79]

(Recent Updates)

So it's now been a month since this debacle began. Life at home has more or less settled into an understanding that this is a practical arrangement. There is no discussion of the relationship at this time, just focusing on ourselves.

 

She is still trying to figure things out, spoke to one of my friends and said "Maybe I'll just tell him I've got a date tonight, he'll give me more space." Her friend said basically if you do that you'll kill any chance you two ever had or ever will have again and he will turn into the nastiest, spiteful person you've ever encountered in your life. She broke down in tears over the phone.

 

She clearly cares, I know this for a fact, but I think she's afraid of committing whole heatedly and being hurt again somehow. I even looked her in the eye and asked her "Do you want me to sell the ring?". Again she cried, a LOT. I don't want anyone else but her wearing that ring...I just don't know what else to do.

 

We can't live apart, that's just not possible. She's looking for a place to live but half of her doesn't really want to go. Like she's waiting for something, I just don't know what.

[coltsfan1]

she is waiting for you to leave, have some pride and walk away.. Don't tell her anything just pack your **** and go stay with a true friend, a friend that is on your side and your side alone. I bet she will come running back then you will have to make a hard decision, but once this ball is in motion most of the time it can never be stopped. If you get back together she will just be waiting for the hammer to drop on her... Pack your **** and go...

[Idalis]

(Recent Updates)

So it's now been a month since this debacle began. Life at home has more or less settled into an understanding that this is a practical arrangement. There is no discussion of the relationship at this time, just focusing on ourselves.

 

She is still trying to figure things out, spoke to one of my friends and said "Maybe I'll just tell him I've got a date tonight, he'll give me more space." Her friend said basically if you do that you'll kill any chance you two ever had or ever will have again and he will turn into the nastiest, spiteful person you've ever encountered in your life. She broke down in tears over the phone.

 

She is obviously unhappy and you should take a clue and give her the space she wants, by moving out and moving on

 

She clearly cares, I know this for a fact, but I think she's afraid of committing whole heatedly and being hurt again somehow. I even looked her in the eye and asked her "Do you want me to sell the ring?". Again she cried, a LOT. I don't want anyone else but her wearing that ring...I just don't know what else to do.

Its not clear to an outsider that she cares, she is actually demonstrating quite the opposite, that she DOESN'T care. Why do you have to "ask" her if she wants you to sell the ring? If she gave it back to you and it is in your posession she probably doesnt care if you sell it. Yes she might be crying but thats probably mourning the relationship you USED to have. Not b/c she still wants that relationship otherwise she could have it back right?? You're there waiting.

 

We can't live apart, that's just not possible. She's looking for a place to live but half of her doesn't really want to go. Like she's waiting for something, I just don't know what.

Why are you willing to settle for "HALF" of someone wanting to be with you?? Do you not feel that you deserve absolute certainty??? Yes, she's waiting for you to get tired of being rejected and move out.

 

When it comes to relationships there can only be movement forward, IMO. You can go from friend to best friend to dating to bf/gf to engaged to married but you cant go backwards from engaged to friend (and not even best friend). One of my friends told me that once when one of my exes was trying to be my "friend" and it made SO much sense, that was the last day I ever talked to him and gave my "friendship". This backward movement is essentially a demotion. Most people wouldn't stay at a job if they got demoted or they got a paycut. You essentially got both and its like instead of quitting you're signing up for overtime.

[chloe56]

Hi, I actually had a similar situation with my ex. He was down because of the work situation and I know he wasn't happy, but... I felt that he stopped thinking of us, I was just plain miserable for a long time. Would never have crossed my mind to cheat, never did. We had a final and massive row because he would rather go on a rally with his mates instead of trying to make us work, as usual, I finally got the courage (probably due to anger and being fed-up) to tell him to move out. He did, without batting an eyelid (I am devastated,can barely remember to act sane at work).

I suppose all I am trying to say is that in my situation, I just wanted to feel loved and important, whereas he was seeking validation/attention from his mates.

Perhaps you are shutting her out? Perhaps you are not sharing your concerns with her?

PS I also took off my ring because I felt that we had to rebuild us, plus the wedding was called off due to him, so felt he had to prove that he wanted us to be together.

[Cratsky]

Stop talking to this friend of hers and stop trying to approach your ex for a discussion. She needs to be alone to sort her issues out and there's no guarantee she'll come around and want you back. It doesn't matter if she's seeing someone or not, the crucial issue here is that it's over. Full stop.

 

No amount of hanging around, having dinner together or being nice is going to change the situation. I recommend you avoid spending more than 5minutes at a time talking to her, start looking for a new place and getting your finances in order. She dumped you. If she ever figures out what she wants, it may be in another 2 years time. Are you saying you're happy to be in limbo that entire time? That would be 2 years you could have been going out and potentially have met someone more suitable!

 

Let it go.

[seibert253]

Move out, now.

 

If she loves you, she will come running back.

If she doesn't then you're physically already gone, and emotionally you will heal quicker.

 

She wants space and distance, give it to her. IMO you've played this game long enough.

[chloe56]

IMO, it really would be a good idea to move out before resentment and anger sets in. Aside from that, it actually helps you as well to decide what YOU want. Obviously, it would be good to discuss this with your other half before you move out, and also keep contact to a bare minimum afterwards. You could be surprised at the conclusion you reach.