I am at a loss, but probably shouldn't be (kinda long)

[alwaysoverthinking]

Never posted on a forum like this, so bear with me...

So I met this girl this summer. Great girl, 23, I'm 29. I'm attractive (so I'm told), funny (apparently), and make a decent living. We hit it off great. It is made known to me through a co-worker that she is interested. She is in town for the summer, but originally from where i live and will be moving back in march after school. We have lots of fun, definite attraction. She is no doubt very into me. We have a ton in common. It's kinda uncanny.

We have 3 really great weeks. Text all the time, it's balanced. Dates, group hangouts. No sex, but it's ok, I'm not in a hurry. Late July rolls around, she starts getting distant, canceling hangouts, even asks me if I can find another date to a party one weekend. This is strange, I think, obviously. So she finally sends me an email, saying that she just wasn't ready to get more serious because she was going back to school, and because she was tired of people at work gossiping about it, but that she doesn't want to end all communication. I text her back thanks for the email, she says you're welcome, then we just start talking more and more. Finally, I send her a pretty epic text, just basically being very straightforward that I'm disappointed the relationship is ending, and that I thought we really had something unique.

She is a little floored, we slowly start talking again, and we finally meet up the next weekend, hash out some things, and I think things are great as we hang out all weekend together. Nice save, I thought.

Then, the next week, same stuff. Distant, breaking hangouts, etc...Well, I figure out via a little facebook detective work that her psycho ex boyfriend is back in the picture. She refriended him, and I'm pretty sure she went to see him that next weekend. So I just stop talking to her all together.

She is getting ready to leave back for school, this is in august, and I finally, after 7 days, send her an email being very straightforward about my disappointment, and that I really thought we had a good thing. I also let her know that this dude is a lucky guy, and wish her good luck with everything in her life.

I move on. See other girls. A few days later, she responds. Very sincere, agreeing that we really had something, and she feels terrible about the way she handled it. Says she and ex were never back together, but he kept coming into town to try and get her back, and she thought she could keep things calm if she agreed to see him a few times. Said she hopes I will respond, but isn't sure if I will. I don't.

Next day, get a text asking if I got the email. I cave, say yes, and we start talking, and agree to meet up when she comes back into town in a week and a half, which would have been labor day. She wants to talk in person. And so, we can't help it, we fall back into the same pattern of texting all the time. I liked her. Sue me.

Neither of us was sure what to expect, but she was worried I'd storm out of the bar and leave her. We meet, have a good time, and finally we talk about what happened. She said this guy is crazy, was abusive verbally to her and her mother, and she just didn't know how to deal with it. She seems sincere. We talk about what we are going to do. She isn't sure what she wants. I say, look, I want to date you, or what's the point? It's long distance, so there has to be commitment. She isn't really sure. So we go home, unresolved. She asks if things are bad now. I think they went bad, but I say no, it's fine.

Next day we hang out at night, have a great time, she wants to go home with me but she has a girlfriend with her, so we really can't. I leave town the next day, and she's texting me all the time, asking when I'm coming back. Not so subtle that there will be a reward involved.

So I go back, and we sleep together for the first time. It is good, no doubt. She doesn't take sex lightly, and there is an understanding, it seems, although no explicit agreement, that things have become more serious, i.e., we are not just hanging out and having fun. Next day, same thing. Movie date, sex. "I like you a lot," she says as we fall asleep. It's a special evening for sure.

So she goes back to school, and will be back in three weeks. We again text all the time, gchat. It's fun, we make each other laugh. It's balanced. She takes time out of her busy days to tell me what's going on, seems interested in my life, etc... We make plans for future dates, etc...

After a couple of weeks, I start to notice a little less communication, but no biggie. She still makes a point at the end of her weekend nights to hit me up and tell me she's going home, or what not.

But the week leading up to her coming back, she gets very distant. Short answers. Little initiation on her part. Even some no responses. A lot less gchatting. This is weird. Same pattern.

She comes back into town, and she is staying with her parents who live here as well. Doesn't even let me know she landed, which is weird. I am kinda getting a little panicked at this point that something is up, although I try not to show it. We had a date for a concert that friday night, and she ended up at a happy hour with some mutual friends that went a little long, and she tells me they are going to dinner, and I should meet them out later. No mention of concert. So I meet them, she's happy to see me, we catch up, talk, it's good. Not nearly as much physical affection, though.

She mentions to me that her ex called her up after labor day and was berating her, telling her she's not a good person, etc...I am pissed that she took the call, but just go with the flow, because I want the weekend to go well.

Come leaving time friday night, I suggest not so subtly that we go back to my place. She says she wants to, but she's staying with her parents and that isn't cool with them. I offer to drive her home that night so they won't even know...she again declines. So I am frustrated, obviously, and I probably let it show a little. So we take a cab back home, I get dropped off, she heads home. She texts me she had fun, sorry it was uneventful, and sorry about the concert. I say no problem, had a blast.

Next day, we go to a football game together. She hangs out with my friends, we have fun, but it still feels like a first date in a lot of ways. I guess I was expecting a lot more PDA, touching, closeness, things like that. But we have a blast, talk about future plans, etc...

I take her home that night, and am debating whether to bring up some of the changes I've noticed, and as I am thinking about this, I get a little quiet. I decide not to say anything. I drop her off, she kisses me goodnight, and says lets talk next week about next weekend (we were both going to be in the same town for a game, and she was going as my date).

Texts me later thanks for everything I had a blast, sorry for being so tired and boring lately. I say me too, not at all.

So the next day rolls around and she has a lot of family stuff. We text a little bit that evening after she has already gone back home. Finally I say hey can you chat for a few minutes? "about what?" I say just a couple of things, would rather not text. (we never talk on the phone, yes weird, I know). She goes bananas, saying she's really not up for it, is exhausted, and asks if I wanted to take someone else to the game, cause she can use a girlfriend's ticket, so it's really not a big deal.

Yes, at this point, I should have probably dropped her. But instead I said no, actually not at all. "okay well I wish you could have said something yesterday in person." So I finally say listen, sounds like you're stressed, of course I want to take you to the game. Sounds like you almost want me to take someone else.

No response, but it's late. So next day, I don't hear anything from her at all. Yes, I know I should have held my ground. But I finally sent an email saying basically listen, things have been kinda off lately, we hardly ever talk, and I think I deserve a conversation at least. Do you need space? Are things moving too fast? Should I even bother anymore? It's important to me, so I hope to hear from you. Next day, she responds she's not sure what my email was all about, but she's just been really busy, and all she talks about is school, which she hates doing. Says she's really enjoyed the time she's gotten to spend with me, but she was aware of my frustration friday night and the "silent treatment" saturday night, and only mentioned the game ticket because if things weren't going like I wanted, she would understand if I wanted to take someone else.

Yes, again, I should have held my ground or dropped her. So I hit her up on gchat, say thanks for responding, of course I want to take you to the game. She says my email was a little dramatic, and she understood that we were seeing each other and hanging out when she was in town, but that apparently I had a different idea. Also mentions that me saying something about her ex being able to call her but not me was a low blow.

At this point I'm just like screw it, I'm not gonna be the bad guy here. So I end up taking her to the game. We have fun, it's a good time. We talk about future plans, etc...We meet her friends after the game, and we talk about going out. I then notice she's sitting there texting her ex. I mention to one of her friends that I might be making an abrupt exit. I pull her aside, and say hey, what the hell? Do you want to see that guy or what? She says no. (yes, I know, I should have just walked). So we talk about some of the stuff that's been going on. She said she feels like I'm always checking in on her. That I need to just calm down. I ask what she wants. She says basically that she doesn't know, but that the ex has nothing to do with me and her. I say listen, the only reason I ask about your day is because I actually am interested. I like you. That's not weird. So we seem to have an understanding, and resolve to just go out and have a good time, because we've dealt with more serious stuff than this since we've known each other.

We walk back to where we were, see some of my friends. They are leaving. She says hey, wait right here, I see our friends, I'll be right back I'm gonna go tell them where we are. I say ok. Never heard from her again. Ever. Still to this day. Two weeks later. I called her that night, even gave her the benefit of the doubt that maybe we missed each other and hit me up later. Nothing. Finally I just texted her I can take a hint.

To add insult to injury, she posted a facebook album of the weekend, including pics from our seats at the game, and of her having a blast later that night.

So my question is this...did I make myself too available, not present enough of a challenge the second time around, thereby diminishing attraction? Was I too clingy? Or was it the ex all along? Seems like she made an awful lot of effort to restart things if she wasn't ever sincerely interested. I think a big part is that we didn't have a good foundation for a distance relationship. I realize the ex is back in play, as they did meet up that night. I only wonder if he wormed his way back in because of my inability to hold her interest/attraction? Believe me, I have no intent of talking with her. Just trying to do a little self analysis for next time. I have a tendency to lose my backbone/confidence when I get into a girl I really like, and I always show my hand too early. But you can't really play the game long distance. Really, I just needed to vent. It seemed like an awfully quick descent.

[SithLord]

Dude disappear from the face of the earth, apply the no contact rule...stop looking at her facebook etcc, delete her, block, get rid of number.....delete any old pictures of her...get rid of everything.....disappear...u need to detox urself and become ruthless. Don't even broadcast u disappearing, just do it!!!

[alwaysoverthinking]

Well, right. I guess I'm just really looking for some insight as to how it got from one point to the next. Obviously only she can give me that, but I refuse to buy into the all chicks are crazy mantra. Clearly she became a lot less invested in the relationship. How it ended isn't nearly as important as how it got there.

[MalachXaviel]

Sounds like she was just really immature as a girlfriend. Did she have a goofy type of personality and/or some kind of history of getting abused? The psycho ex-boyfriend may be cause of that but normally it's something deeper. My point is, unless you did something really bad that you didn't say in your post, she's probably just effed up when it comes to relationships. Women like that are everywhere, they never make they're own decisions and they often think that if a man is treating her like trash, it's because he's misunderstood and her "soul mate". I personally consider women like this to be the "man-child" equivalents of the opposite sex. If any of that fits at all, there wasn't much you can do. Sometimes breaking up with them the first time they eff up (This would've been when she took the call from her ex) will fix things a bit, but don't count it. It could be tens of years before she gets her sh#& together. I've dated a handful of women like this, and they have one thing in common- if you were a good boyfriend and the whole thing was just her being crazy, she'll probably realize this and hit you up in a few months- this would be your opportunity to get real closure by crushing her spirit and saying "Hell no." It's mean, and probably immature but you do what you can to move on.

[Am4Real]

Never posted on a forum like this, so bear with me...

 

 

 

Dear AlwaysOverThinking,

 

That is a VERY long post filled with many issues.

 

The net of it to me is she is NOT over her EX and either feels guilty or some other draw to him. However, it seems this is a “friends only” relationship or at least it was running along that way by your description and somewhere along the way you thought of her as more. Perhaps it's really simple and she has not caught up to your thinking and feelings yet about moving the relationship forward -- after all you describe yourselves as "friends".

 

Honestly there are so many details in your post it’s hard to follow and properly sequence so let’s net it out:

 

1. Stop texting and facebooking (or whatever it’s called); if you want a serious relationship with this girl get off your off your duff and seriously communicate what it is you want and where you are standing on dating her. Do it verbally if the twenty-something generation can even function anymore without keypads or a phone. Can you? If so then do it, you’ll find the results are well worth the effort.
    
   
2. Give her a chance to talk about the EX completely and from her heart; there may be more going on than even she realizes. No matter what comes out just listen, don’t offer any advice. Be silent and subtedly let her know she can confide in you without ridicule or criticism.
    
   
3. If you don’t like what you hear by all means be a gentleman and tell her the two of you are better friends than lovers (since you’re not lovers yet anyway) and find someone who is all into you.
   

 

Now get going – you can do this!!

 

p.s. Leave the phone in the car!

[Yeahdude22]

hey bro im in the same situation as you. it is rough. trust me i was a very good boyfriend to her and got taken advantage of in way too many ways. i cant really tell you anything that would make you feel better, but thats just life somtimes. im having a hard time accepting it for what it is as well. but keep on trucking and you will be alright. as far as the facebook and everything is involved, i found that if you dont actually delete her on fb but you just block her posts, etc. so they dont show up on your news feed. at least in my mind sight it looks like you dont care about it by still having her on there, one thing i wouldnt do is look at pictures of her, look at her page, etc. that just leads to more problems, and frankly if you think shes out with a bunch of other guys, etc. she definitely is. trust your gut. i know it sounds kinda ****ed up but stop listening to your heart, and use logic. im right there with you. trust me well get over and it and well be better for it. and i GUARANTEE you she will come back, thats when you can drive the final nail in the coffin and say byeee to her forever