Author Pigyy Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 Pigyy, this is how I see it... You're obviously not happy with your wife. You have cheated on her before, but never felt the emotional connection you do now with this new woman. So its making you wonder if THIS case is more special. Truth is...at the end of the day, even if you left your wife and went with this OW, would you really be able to trust her not to cheat on you? I'm mainly asking this because you said - in reference to you and your W cheating on each other, you said "after that happens, the trust is gone" (or something to that effect) so would you trust this OW, if you were to be with her? That's def. something to think about. You also said that you and W cheated before, but then you got married, and maybe you shouldn't have. Honestly, that doesn't matter, you still got married, and you must have loved her enough to want to have kids with her. You have kids (and I can tell that this is really something that concerns you because you sincerely don't want to cause them pain) so...if you're really thinking about your kids: - talk to you W about some of the issues you're having in the M (not about the cheating), but about what's missing. -Stop cheating on your w -Attend MC with the W and then if none of that stuff helps, maybe it would be best to get a divorce, and have shared custody. But its not fair to anyone, if you just claim to love you kids and care about what happens to them, and then you're lying to and playin their mom. That's eventually gonna come and cause everyone so much pain. I wish you the best. I do think, that you at least should give it a good shot at trying to fix what's broken in the M (since there are kids). But if after a good honest effort, it can't be fixed, then it time for a D. Thanks Tiger, This was perhaps the most helpful post so far and I think you hit the nail on the head with pretty much everything. No I do not think I would be able to trust this women, trust is a fickle thing... I truly do not believe you can ever fully trust anyone and that includes yourself at times.. I have already let myself down for example. Coming clean with how Im feeling is probably the best thing to do, it scares me but then so does this whole situation. We have been to MC before and it did neither of us any good... In fact it led me down a path of despair as I opened up my feelings and explored them, that in turn led to depression and drug use which led to far worse problems.... Ouch, not sure I want to go there again but maybe it will be different this time.
Author Pigyy Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 no kidding. I couldn't believe I had to repost his own words. Listen dexter, since you have never been in this position and somehow think you're so perfect that you never would be in this position please just do me a favour and spare me your condemnation... NO one is perfect and I dont need you telling me you're better because of what I did... Sheesh... For the record you completely misunderstood what I was saying, please read it again carefully... In the summer we were away with some friends, well not really friends, just acquaintances. One night me and the other women were up late, sitting outside by the fire. We were both quite drunk and somehow we started talking about our feelings for each other. Turns out we were both very attracted to each other, it ended that night with a kiss. The next night we fooled around a lot. The weekend ended and we started meeting each other during the day at home. Note I said we were away then I said the weekend ended and we started meeting at home. Home being back in the city where we both live, not home as in my or her house... Get it Dex
Author Pigyy Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 It isn't meant to sound insulting but you probably need to hear some harder angles. I can appreicate the harder angles and I dont find that insulting, thanks for the honest and constructive opinion! What I do find insulting is being called a serial cheater... I am sorry but for me serial means consecutive, ongoing... it does not mean a few times, which in my case is twice and over 10 years ago. Anyway, I dont need to nitpit, if you and others want to assume Im a serial cheater thats your choice. I thought this was the infidelity forum and as such I figured I would be speaking to people who have been in the same situations and not people like Dexter who like to jump in and chastise me for my poor choices in life. I really dont get it, why do people who believe themselves to be perfect in this regard even bother posting in a sub-forum thats specifically about "cheating"...??? It is by all definitions trolling... Sorry if I went off the handle but that sort of behavior indicates that one can not seen past their own faults. These people typically cast judgement on others as if they're beyound flaw and that, IMHO, is a very bad trait. I cheated, yes I feel bad... Im asking for advice not judgment, I dont know the answers, I know whats wrong and I dont need to be reminded that what Im doing is WRONG. Im certianly not trying to justify it, when I said what I said about her it was because someone specifally asked why I wasnt attracted to her anymore.
Author Pigyy Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 I sleep very well at night knowing I don't go out and hurt others in real life. so thanks, I'll have that nice perfect life The move along... why are you even posting in the infidelity forum? Do you get some sort of joy by rubbing your perfect life in others faces who arent currently having a perfect life? ???????????
Woman In Blue Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Pigyy, with all due respect, the Infidelity forum is for those in an affair OR those who are facing the prospect of infidelity as a betrayed spouse. As crazy as it is, this forum invites both extremes so you're going to get opposite pieces of advice. As someone else suggested, you might be better off posting on the OW/OM affair board - they'll justify just about anything you say over there. They'll cheer you on and root for you to get a divorce, they'll slap you on the back and give you an "atta boy!" each time you fool your wife yet again when she asks you what's wrong - and you lie to her for the 1,256th time, telling her "nothing." They'll encourage you to do whatever you have to do to be with your OW - regardless of the "collateral damage" left in your wake (broken families, heartbroken spouses, devastated children, etc. etc.) Hurry - they could use another recruit!
on a learning curve Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Thanks Tiger, This was perhaps the most helpful post so far and I think you hit the nail on the head with pretty much everything. No I do not think I would be able to trust this women, trust is a fickle thing... I truly do not believe you can ever fully trust anyone and that includes yourself at times.. I have already let myself down for example. Coming clean with how Im feeling is probably the best thing to do, it scares me but then so does this whole situation. We have been to MC before and it did neither of us any good... In fact it led me down a path of despair as I opened up my feelings and explored them, that in turn led to depression and drug use which led to far worse problems.... Ouch, not sure I want to go there again but maybe it will be different this time. Maybe shop around for a MC? Some are much better than others, really. Find one that both you and your wife feel comfortable with yk? Feelings should be respected on both sides, and one person shouldn't walk away from counseling feeling that they have been implicitly blamed for the problems in the marriage (which sounds like the case for you with the depression and drug use). Best of luck.
TigerCub Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Thanks Tiger, This was perhaps the most helpful post so far and I think you hit the nail on the head with pretty much everything. Glad I can help No I do not think I would be able to trust this women, trust is a fickle thing... I completely understand. I fell in love with a MM when he was separated, then he went back to baby momma cuz they have a son and he went back when their daughter was born. That sucked. At this point, I was in love, and it was an EA/some PA. But I knew in the back of my mind, that even if he left, I wouldn't be able to fully trust him - and that's what really sucks about these situations. Coming clean with how Im feeling is probably the best thing to do, it scares me but then so does this whole situation. We have been to MC before and it did neither of us any good... In fact it led me down a path of despair as I opened up my feelings and explored them, that in turn led to depression and drug use which led to far worse problems.... Ouch, not sure I want to go there again but maybe it will be different this time. Again I understand what you're saying about this. Sometimes therapy hurts because it makes us face all this hurt that we just bury deep down. But I would suggest that if you do MC - go all out, don't half _$$ it, because if you just do it half way, you'll get the painful feelings without getting to the end of the tunnel. And of course, that will just make it not work, and you would be reluctant to try it ever again. As far as talking to your wife. I think she needs to know how serious the M is in trouble. You don't need to talk about the cheating, but she needs to know that at this point in the M, you feel that if things stay the way they are going, then a divorce is looking like an option. I hope that the both of you actually acknowledge that there are problems in the M that need fixing, and that you both can fully commit to exploring your true feelings, and being able to work together and compromise. I hope that you do put in your full effort at this, because then things might actually improve, and in the case that they don't, well at least you'll know that you tried your best to fix the M, and if a D happens, well at least you tried.
confusedinkansas Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I would actually be happy if this were the case, sadly I do not think it is but then who knows. She has, as far as I can tell, zero desire for sex these days... at least with me. Part of me wishes she was cheating as well Careful what you wish for. This happened to my EX-AP.....Told me all along that he wished his wife would just hook up with someone else, have an affair then he'd have free time yadda yadda yadda. When he found the evidence that she herslef was cheating TOO he fell apart. Darn near had a nervous breakdown when he found out. Broke things off with me & claimed he'll never trust a woman again........Ironic!???? - His kids (grown) know of her affair & why they split. What they all don't know is that he was doing the same thing at the very same time. I think people in affairs secretly wish their spouse was cheating also so that they don't have to be the bad guy if the marriage breaks up because of an affair.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Listen dexter, since you have never been in this position and somehow think you're so perfect that you never would be in this position has nothing to do with perfection. but yes, I have never been in that situation, and never will be. I can say that because I have convictions and strong will. that coupled with the fact that I won't do anything or become what I despise. please just do me a favour and spare me your condemnation... NO one is perfect and I dont need you telling me you're better because of what I did... nope, I'm not perfect....I leave the toilet seat up....don't always take out the garbage when asked. but one thing I'll never do is betray someone so callously as you have, much less display the utmost arrogance about it after the fact. you want to pay no consequences for your actions, are hurting someone in real life, yet are offended at some words on an internet forum? get real. you are simply showing your character and why you are a cheater in the first place.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I thought this was the infidelity forum and as such I figured I would be speaking to people who have been in the same situations and not people like Dexter who like to jump in and chastise me for my poor choices in life. no, you'd be speaking to others who have been in the same situations if you were to post over in the OW/OM section where they coddle behavior like yours. you are free to post wherever you want, but for the most part, this section, Infidelity, is where people come because they have suffered from the actions of such people as yourself. so when they see someone who is unremorseful, putting down their spouse for their decision to cheat, and using that as an excuse, what kind of responses do you think you are going to get? like I said, your story would be better received in OW/OM where others like you are hurting the so-called significant others in their life. the majority in this forum are on your wife's side of the situation. most people here are going to sympathize with her, not you.
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