Problem with the ex. Need to vent.

[iheartboobs]

So my wife and I separated a little under 9 months ago, it was mostly my fault because I was an ass, and when she left she told me she hated me for what I'd done to her, went into detail about what I'd done to her, and that we were over.

 

I was shocked because I thought I was a good husband, but when I really looked at myself I knew I wasn't. The marriage was over and I accepted that, but I made the decision to change and so I did. I became a better man, and eventually when my ex needed help and had nowhere else to turn (no family in the area, can't keep friends), I was there. We started talking and I kept helping when she needed it and eventually we became friends.

 

I got a text from a friend's ex gf saying that my ex was screwing a couple of my other friends, I didn't really believe it (the girl was known for trying to start something all the time), but I talked to the ex. She was angry that I believed her capable of something like that, that she was a better person than that, and that I should know better. She swore she would never date someone in my social circle because that was a ****ty thing to do to someone. I agreed, but asked her if it did happen to just give me a heads-up so I wouldn't look foolish in front of my friends. She said she would let me know when she was ready to start dating anyone and wanted me to do the same. I agreed.

 

At some point friendship lead to something more and we decided to give the marriage another shot. We started dating and took it slow, and for about a month everything was great, but then she started making excuses for why we couldn't do anything together. At first I was understanding that she wasn't feeling well or wanted to hang out with a new friend from work, but eventually got the message and told her I thought we should just stay friends. She was so sorry and said she didn't want to give up so I tried a little while longer, but I could tell her heart wasn't in it and eventually she told me she just wanted to be friends.

 

Friendship was cool and I met a girl I really liked, so I told the ex about her. I said we weren't anything serious, we hadn't even gone out on a date just the two of us, but we had a lot in common, I really liked her and she seemed to really like me, so I wanted to let her know, because I promised her I would, if I got the chance I was going for it. The ex said she was happy for me, but didn't seem it... she wanted to know everything about this girl and where she could find her, she wanted to talk to her to "make sure she's okay with our daughter". I didn't give her any info, but told her she could talk to the new gf if we became serious. She didn't like that, but agreed.

 

After that point the ex became much more friendly: more calls and texts when she's away, more touching and rubbing when we're together... I didn't encourage it, but I didn't stop it either, I figured it was her way of dealing with me moving on. Then one night she came over and said the doctors told her she had pre-cancer cells in her cervix (cervical cancer being a common cause of death for women in her family), I held her and comforted her and we fooled around a little. I didn't think anything of it, I wasn't actually even dating my prospect and she just really needed comfort right then, so what did it hurt? Well, the ex started sending me dirty texts and pics, but was adamant that she just wanted to be friends.

 

That was last week, on Sat she texted me that she wasn't feeling good so I asked her what was wrong and got no response. I texted again a little later and got nothing. I called a few times with no answer, so I became worried (her health is bad, two weeks ago she told me she passed out, hit her head on the floor, and spent the night in the hallway) and decided to drive over there. When I got there, there was a buddy's truck in the driveway, the door was open, so I knocked and entered and saw her and him cuddled up on the couch. I simply told her why I'd come over and left.

 

She called me in tears telling me she was so sorry, that she never meant to hurt me, it wasn't her fault - it just happened, etc... She told me it had been going on for months, but she had "put it on hold" while we were dating (except, she admitted begrudgingly, for a few slip ups), and that it wasn't to hurt me but that it just happened. I was mad. I told her that this wasn't a disease or natural disaster we were talking about, things like that don't "just happen", that her and I weren't even in the same social circles so she would have to have gone out of her way to find a guy I hung out with to date, that she promised me a heads-up just like I had given her and that she swore to me she would never date a friend of mine because she was better than that (hell, it was even the same guy we had talked about, so the situation we had discussed she would never do and what happened weren't just similar, they were exactly the same). She gave me excuses and platitudes and I told her I didn't want to hear it, then she asked me if we could still be friends and I think I said "**** no! How do you have the audacity to ask me that? What the hell is wrong with you?"

 

She spent the rest of the day convincing herself she was actually the victim through text messages to me. At first she was so sorry, then she wanted another chance, then it wasn't really her fault, then she deserved another chance because she was willing to be my friend after she left me, then she only acted like this because I had treated her so bad and I deserved it, and finally, how could I not give her another chance after all of the bad things I had done to her? I told her that, very simply, I was hurt and mad, but I didn't hate her. I understood that things could get carried away and it becomes harder and harder to tell someone that you might be hurting with your actions, but that I could absolutely not trust her and I would not be her friend again. She didn't like it, but she seemed to accept it.

 

Let me break from the story here to give you a little info on this "friend" she's dating. I use the term loosely because I never actually liked this guy, he's just a part of one of the groups I do hang out with occasionally. The reason I don't like him is that basically, he's a bad person. He uses women, he always has multiples at one time that he goes back and forth between, he's left his now 9 and 6 year old children home alone to get drunk at the bar and troll for women, he braggs that he's never been in a relationship and not cheated (including the girl he fell so in love with and wouldn't shut up about and wanted to spend the rest of his life with... he cheated on her multiple times). And it's not like anyone really envies his "game", he picks up the bottom of the barrel skanks so he's not even respected for the one thing he does well. I think he's a bad man and a worse father... I think he's a piece of ****. My ex knows this... it's like she just wanted someone out of one of my circles to screw and went with the sure thing or the one that would most piss me off.

 

So anyway, the next morning she askes me why I don't like her bf, she had no idea I felt he was a bad role model for our daughter. I knew she was just screwing with me, she had to be, nobody could be that stupid, so I told her every single reason I thought he was not just a bad role model, but a bad human being in general. After my rant she pointed out that I had left our daughter with my father before, how's that any different from him leaving his kids to go to the bar? (Apparently it's the same thing, it was the only thing from a text many pages long that she could find even remotely similar to something I had done and so it made me a hypocrite.) I realized you simply can't argue with someone this irrational, but I was still angry so I asked her if her new bf knew about the pics and texts she'd sent me the week before... all of a sudden she was the victim again and I was so mean. At least it shut her up.

 

Later she texted me to tell me he was a great role model for our daughter and a wonderful parent, they had even discussed discipline and decided that he wouldn't spank my daughter (good thing, too, or I'd be typing this from jail), so I asked her how she had the nerve to tell me she wanted to meet any of my potential gfs to make sure they were right for our daughter when she'd been having a piece of **** around her for months that she knew I wouldn't have approved of? There was no real answer for that and it bought me another few precious hours of quiet.

 

Finally, last night she texted to say she needed money for our daughter, I said no problem, I need money for the car insurance. She was furious. She said I paid that because she was nice enough not to go to the courts for child support (which would have been much cheaper than paying the insurance, money for our daughter, and every little and not-so-little expense that she couldn't afford) and she lets me see our daughter because she's such a fair person, but she could go to court for full custody. I told her if she wanted to go that rout instead of the split custody we had agreed on, I could fill the courtroom with character witnesses against her (because the only people who like her are the other regulars at the bar she hangs out at to get drunk and make a fool of herself), that she was currently in an adulterous relationship that I had proof of on my phone, that she had a crap job and could barely pay for herself, that she had no friends or family in the area to help her if she needed it, and that the car she depended on was solely in my name which I could take back at any moment... I may not be guaranteed full custody, but I was certainly in the running and I could make her life hell. She then told me the only reason she wants full custody is so I can't decide to take our daugter from her if I get angry (the irony here is that I've never done that, but she has) because she's so much more level headed than I am when she's angry. I told her that she was right and that she'd really been the good guy since we'd split. Then I told her to leave me alone or I'd forward her new bf some spicy texts/pics that he might not appreciate.

 

Whew... that was a rant! If you got all the way through that, I appreciate your time. My question is: did I do the right thing? I want to be her friend for my daughter's sake, but personally, I just really don't. It's not that I'm mad and hurt (even though I am), or that I hate her (because I don't), but that I know I can never trust her... she's always been a liar (it was a real problem in the marriage), and her word means nothing because promises are forgotten as soon as they're made. And I know it's not entirely her fault because she had a bad childhood that really messed her up, but I'm sick to death of putting up with it... is that incredibly selfish? Am I a bad person? My friends don't seem to think so, but they're my friends... I wouldn't think so either, but I feel guilty, so I was really hoping for an outsider's opinion.

Edited October 18, 2010 by iheartboobs

[iheartboobs]

Anything? I really would like to do the right thing, here... even though she's not so great now, she used (or at least pretended very convincingly) to be a wonderful and compassionate woman. She was a good wife for a long time while I was inconsiderate and unappreciative... do I owe her a second chance? I know I can never really be her friend again, but I could be something that might comfort her...

[VeveCakes]

My advice... These threats will only get worse. You need to take legal action ASAP to protect your custody and visitation rights. Do it now before you regret waiting.

[trippi1432]

Wow, if you don't mind, I'm going to refer to you as IHB.

 

IHB - one of the hardest things to do is be your ex-wife's best friend. Being parents on the same page is hard enough, which I think you are finding out. Right now, the banter back and forth over the daughter is like two children fighting over a toy....neither of you need to be doing that. If she can't be the adult in the relationship, then you are going to have to step up and do take on that role.

 

I think you need to decide what role you really want to take on here, parent to your child, best friend to your wife, love buddy/caretaker/comforter while she sees other men or her husband. In a marriage, each of you should be all those roles for each other (which the exception of seeing other people of course), but it almost sounds like you both are still having a marriage (albeit, destructive) outside of being separated.

 

Get the custody issues and finances worked out and go limited contact with her for a while...only keep discussions to your child. And no, this guy she is seeing has no right to discipline your child...who knows how long she even plans to keep him in her life or how long he plans to stay in hers. Doesn't sound very long term if you ask me.

 

Honestly, you also need to get your head on straight. It seems to me that your wife has a ring through your nose for getting what she wants. Stop letting her string you along. Spend some time with yourself for a while, and with your child.

[iheartboobs]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I may have to get some legal counseling, when we were being friends, she had agreed to split custody and we would just split the bill for our daughter... now that she's angry, she wants full custody "to protect herself".

 

Also, I don't use my daughter as a weapon against the ex... despite everything else she's a good mother (other than exposing our daughter to her new bf), I just wanted to put a little fear into her in the hopes that she'd quit trying to use our daughter as a weapon or bargaining chip against me. Even if I got full custody, I wouldn't enforce it.

 

I am on limited contact, she tried talking to me again and I told her to please only call me if it's about our daughter, if she calls or texts about anything else, I won't respond. I don't really want to be anything to my ex... I feel like a bad person because I don't really care about her anymore. When we were being physical after the separation, I felt like I did when I was younger and tried to play with a favorite toy I had outgrown... now, after all this, the two times I've seen her all I feel is a whistful melancholly (don't think I spelled either one of those right) for what might have been.

 

I just feel that I owe her something, because it wasn't that long ago that she would do anything for me and all I did was make her feel like crap.

 

Karma's being a real bitch to me.

[2sure]

When all of the legal aspects of child support and custody are done through the courts ..it is the responsible way to do it.

 

Your child's home and visitation should not be affected by the whims or moods of either of you.

 

Money will continue to be brought up which is never a good thing...unless it is done in an impersonal and documented way. Consistently the same.

 

You will both get along better eventually when these threats are no longer an option.

[iheartboobs]

Yeah, after she calms down some I'll work on a date for us both to hammer out custody and money agreements... it'd be nice if we could do it w/o a lawyer, but I guess if there's no other choice then there's no other choice.

 

Also, I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply... I know this isn't a traditional post for LS since I'm not trying or even wanting to work things out with the ex, but I am confused about what to do. I can't be friends with my ex anymore, but I don't want to be enemies either... and those seem to be the only two choices with her. Anyone got any advice on how to get around that?

Edited October 19, 2010 by iheartboobs

[The-Zen-Warrior]

iheartboobs :

 

Wow, that was sure one long post, as to describe your current situation. I really don't have all the answers for you here, if I did, maybe my marriage that ended in divorce about 3 years ago, would still be going strong today.

 

But I will try to give you some insight into one of your posts, this is your quote...

 

"I may have to get some legal counseling"!

 

Come on here, this quote of yours, at this stage of the game, should be a no brainer! I would march your a** over to your nearest legal clinic, attorney law firm, or divorce agency and get some legal advise on how to deal with your problem. If you don't, it could in the end spell your utter doom!

 

I'm not going to pull punches here, your wife is acting like a little child. Also your wife is not living by the rules, namely the rules that both you and her agreed to live by, namely about the introduction of new people in your lives, for your daughters sake. You wife text's you cheesy kinky pic's on your phone one moment, then probably rolled over in bed to cuddle up next to the new guy........this might not be far from the truth!

 

To be honest here, I really don't agree with any of the behavior you, or your wife has been showing here. I am absolutely dead set against having any sort of inappropriate relations with anyone, until the ink dries on the divorce papers. One can fool themselves into thinking that by setting "ground rules" and such, that this makes it "ok" to commit adultery. This goes for both of you, all the way to your new girl lady friend, that you are excited about and getting to know better, all the way to your wife smooching with long tail Bob on the sofa, when you walked into her house. Both behaviors to me are "unacceptable" and should have been put on hold or delayed until an actual divorce was either in motion or finalized.

 

I also would like to show my support in what forum member trippi1432 had to say, and I quote......

 

"You also need to get your head on straight. It seems to me that your wife has a ring through your nose for getting what she wants. Stop letting her string you along."!

 

Trip is so correct here, you need to get your head out of sand, lift your head up, and take a good look around! You wife right now has you by the b*lls, literally and figuratively. She's all so egger to give you the appearance of her doing the right things, like those so called "ground rules" in regards to your child, but does she live by those rules, noooooooo! But there again, she expects you to live by them, or else she becomes the victim again and you become a very bad man. I personally think you have gone back to the "well of friendship" with her one to many times. She might now look upon you as some sort of "paper lion" or "toothless shark" or "spineless bast*rd", who will always when hurt, forgive and offer her your friendship again, she think this way because it's already been a proven scientific fact.

 

You need to take total control over this situation, that both you and your wife have gotten yourselves into! No more "pussy footing around", "no more playing games" no more "beating around the bush"............if you want this matter resolved, and for you to be free from this, and be able to move on with your life and have an honorable relationship with your new lady friend, than as my dead GrandFather used to say to people like you.............

 

"Either sh*t or get off the pot"!

 

It's that simple, no real brain power required to figure this one out. Either live life "as is" and keep dealing the problems, the trouble and the hemming and hawing. Or decide to do something about this and let her go! There's no ducking the child custody issue, this will come up, but better get this out of the way, through legal channels, than keep dealing with some sort of private contract between you and your wife, that apparently is about ready to not hold water. She wants to be with this so called Don Juan of a man, let her, let her be happy with a guy who likes to abuse women, likes to tarnish women, likes to degrade women, likes to pretend he is the "ultimate player", a man who likes to abandon children for the sake of going to a bar and tie one on! And you! You and your new lady friend, if you go ahead and divorce your wife, you would then be in a more honorable position to have a nice and fruitful relationship, without the drag or worry or concern about a marriage.

 

Just do yourself the favor and cut your losses here, move on, put all this behind you.....you have been through enough, time to start thinking about yourself and your child only.

[iheartboobs]

Good advice.

 

Last night the ex came over to pick up our daughter and we talked for a little while. I told her friendship was out of the question, but some kind of working relationship so we could stay on the same page concerning our daughter was not. I also told her if she wanted to hammer out an agreement about the divorce we needed to do the paperwork and get that filed asap, otherwise, we needed to both get lawyers. Finally I told her I wanted joint custody, that anything less was unacceptable, and that I would fight for sole custody if she was going to try to take away my daughter or my rights as a father.

 

I don't want it to come to that, but I did look up the guidlines for awarding custody in my state and it read like a propaganda poster against her and for me. I feel confident that if she forces the issue, I will get full custody.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

I feel confident that if she forces the issue, I will get full custody.

 

Be very careful here my friend, I learned a long time ago, from my martial arts teacher, than when I'm preparing for a big fight, he taught me many years ago this saying.....

 

"Zen, before going into this, you first must dig two graves, one for your opponent and one for yourself, for we never really know what the outcome to anything will be!"

 

15 years ago, when I started my journey into martial science, my instructor planted seeds in my head, some pearls of wisdom if you will, he told me the following. That no matter how good the situation looks, no matter how powerful we are, no matter if we stack the deck in our favor, no matter what.........there are never 100% guarantees for anything in life!

 

So be careful here, no matter how good that information was that you looked at, in regards to child custody things, please don't get to confident, dig those two graves, one for your wife and one for yourself, then get in there and try your best! Once everything is done with, and the outcome is clear, no matter if you are the victor or the defeated, you will have prepared your mind accordingly!

 

Just something to think about.........

[iheartboobs]

Thanks Zen, I do appreciate all the good advice.

 

Good news. Talked to the ex last night and she agreed to all the terms I had set for joint custody and support, we should be getting papers to fill out very soon. I'll be making sure I see my daughter on a daily basis, that I have a 50% say in decisions involving her, and that she never goes without anything she needs while I can help it, but that my ex doesn't get a dime for herself.

[goingstrong]

iheartboobs...great name...can't wait for your avatar.

[iheartboobs]

I mean... I do me some boobs...