blizzard Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I was backtracking over a few old old posts on LS because I have an hour to kill really... The poster said that his wife had cheated on him for three years...yet said that she loved him. Because she had this affair, he questioned if his wife really loved him. I was blown away by the responses that entitled a three year affair grounds for leaving her. What is the difference in a 3 month affair or a 3 year affair? Or even a 10 year affair? What makes one so much worse than the other!? I also disagreed with how many responded that she very well couldn't have loved him since the affair lasted for 3 years. I don't believe that you truly love your spouse when you betray them...whether it's a 3 month betrayal or 3 years. Just my narrow opinion. Why is a "time limit" on affairs a double standard.
Spark1111 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I was backtracking over a few old old posts on LS because I have an hour to kill really... The poster said that his wife had cheated on him for three years...yet said that she loved him. Because she had this affair, he questioned if his wife really loved him. I was blown away by the responses that entitled a three year affair grounds for leaving her. What is the difference in a 3 month affair or a 3 year affair? Or even a 10 year affair? What makes one so much worse than the other!? I also disagreed with how many responded that she very well couldn't have loved him since the affair lasted for 3 years. I don't believe that you truly love your spouse when you betray them...whether it's a 3 month betrayal or 3 years. Just my narrow opinion. Why is a "time limit" on affairs a double standard. Hmmm....good question. I think it depends on how much real time is invested, not in years, but in hours spent together! If an affair is a perpetual "third date" and you see your AP twice a week for 4 to five hours, and you are both on your very best third date behavior..... It's the equivalent of spending one month together in one year.... And that's what keeps the honeymoon hormones surging... But what posters are trying to point out is that the longer the affair, the longer the lying and secret-keeping from the spouse goes on....and that can be a whole other pathology to deal with.
jennie-jennie Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 A 3 month affair can always be explained away as an infatuation, while a 3 year affair is long past that stage.
greengoddess Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 A 3 month affair can always be explained away as an infatuation, while a 3 year affair is long past that stage. Not really. What if the 3 year affair is long distance and they rarely spend any "real" time together? They can spend more time together in 3 months than three years depending on distance involved.
seibert253 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Wrong is wrong. There are no degrees of "wrongness".
Spark1111 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Not really. What if the 3 year affair is long distance and they rarely spend any "real" time together? They can spend more time together in 3 months than three years depending on distance involved. Yes, I guess that was the point I was making. It depends how much real time is spent together, IMO. But the harder part for the BS to deal with is, the secret is kept for so much longer. And that takes a certain kind of pathology in a person, one that will always make it questionable if they could ever be suited for a long-term intimate relationship.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 A 3 month affair can always be explained away as an infatuation, while a 3 year affair is long past that stage. I basically agree with this statement. A three month affair can be written off as a "fling."
jennie-jennie Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Not really. What if the 3 year affair is long distance and they rarely spend any "real" time together? They can spend more time together in 3 months than three years depending on distance involved. My experience of a long distance extramarital relationship is that the honeymoon period wanes as with any relationship. I have read posts by WS here on LS were the honeymoon hormones never waned although they spent plenty of time together. They must have been in a different kind of relationship than what I am in. Perhaps in it more for the illicit sex than anything else?
Silly_Girl Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 In my view there's different factors. The number of incidents of lying. The level of calm planning involved. The state of the relationship and the history. To me those things can result in varying levels of wrong-ness.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 In my view there's different factors. The number of incidents of lying. The level of calm planning involved. The state of the relationship and the history. To me those things can result in varying levels of wrong-ness. Yes, I agree with this. As the BS, the amount of time actually spent together would matter. BUT, even if they rarely saw each other over a long period of time, the long-term lying would be significant. IDK, in that situation, none of it might matter. I would probably be just as upset with one incident as a long-term R. IJDK. I do think that an EA might not upset me as much as a PA, but my H's were PA, so again, IDK. To be commenting, I don't know much, do I! (There's a reason I call myself FoG! LOL! All I've been through, I'm a bit brain-addled sometimes)
Author blizzard Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 seibert- I have to agree with you. wrong is wrong. whether the affair lasted one day or 10years.
Woggle Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Length only means a person is smart enough to keep up a lie for longer.
thomasb Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Wrong is wrong in my opinion also. And you are very wrong that you cannot love your spouse and have an affair. I loved my wife very much and did. I had no love for the OW.
2sure Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Its all cheating and its all betrayal...but what type is worse is complete dependent on the BS and the marriage. I think the length of time being an issue is valid because...for me and many others...their spouse banging someone else, having a fling...is not the main issue of the betrayal. Its ALL of the lies, the effort, the double living, deceit and risk that go along with a long term affair or multiple cheating . Its that what you said and what you did were so different for so long that the entire marriage is a lie. Thats hard to fathom let alone forgive.
Silly_Girl Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Wrong is wrong. There are no degrees of "wrongness". That's oversimplification for me. Take murder. The ultimate in wrongdoing. I could not think of anything worse. In a court various things will be taken in to account when deciding a) the guilt of the accused; b) the punishment. Taking someone else's life is wrong, but the law acknowledges that different factors play a part, and that some deaths are 'less wrong' than others. Beaten spouse at the end of their tether may be looked upon more favourably in court. Doesn't mean they should kill... Or have an affair to just feel more like a human for a brief period of time.
Mimolicious Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 That's oversimplification for me. Take murder. The ultimate in wrongdoing. I could not think of anything worse. In a court various things will be taken in to account when deciding a) the guilt of the accused; b) the punishment. Taking someone else's life is wrong, but the law acknowledges that different factors play a part, and that some deaths are 'less wrong' than others. Beaten spouse at the end of their tether may be looked upon more favourably in court. Doesn't mean they should kill... Or have an affair to just feel more like a human for a brief period of time. Really? Or is this your interpretation of the law? Maybe the act (way of murdering) was less premeditated, accidental, etc... NOT less wrong. Murder is murder. There are degrees of it based on the actions not on the results of the act and it's mostly for the grounds of sentencing. If you kill a pedestrian who ran into the street out of nowhere and you are found guilty of manslaughter, the death penalty is a bit drastic as a punishment. The fashion was less wrong, not the outcome. IMO- doesn't matter the period of time, it is what it is- betrayal. There are no different shades of it. For those that play victim and say that "I cheated because I was mistreated by my S, blah, blah, blah". There is a solution to every problem, if you took the wrong approach then get ready to be called on it. The same goes for those who think that there are "levels" of cheating. "OH WE ONLY KISSED":rolleyes: (MIght as well have done it with a BANG! because he damage to me, is the same).
Silly_Girl Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Really? Or is this your interpretation of the law? Maybe the act (way of murdering) was less premeditated, accidental, etc... NOT less wrong. Murder is murder. There are degrees of it based on the actions not on the results of the act and it's mostly for the grounds of sentencing. If you kill a pedestrian who ran into the street out of nowhere and you are found guilty of manslaughter, the death penalty is a bit drastic as a punishment. The fashion was less wrong, not the outcome. Varying levels of intent, and motivation etc etc. So cheating... My husband of several years, father of my children, in his forties, having a secret sexual relationship with my best friend over a prolonged period of time. A different level of wrong-ness (for me) than a young lad, newly moved in with his girlfriend, out on a stag weekend, has 10 minute sex in an alley with a girl he met in a bar, barely remembers it. Both cheating, without a doubt. I would absolutely find one of those easier to forgive than the other. Hence my murder analogy - if the background and the provocation and the immediate situation were not relevant to a person's actions, there wouldn't be Death by dangerous driving, vs Involuntary manslaughter, vs Manslaughter, vs Murder. I generally try not to be offensive, but it's late in my corner of the world so here goes - I find it naive and ignorant to deny that there are varying degrees of 'bad' in most wrongdoings, and that some actions are easier to reconcile oneself to (and forgive) than others. I find it more about wearing the 'anti-cheating' badge than it is about having a genuine discussion.
Mimolicious Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 Right... however you want to live in your corner of the world. End results the SAME! In your murder expo- A criminal record with a murder charge. Nothing less nothing more. Your alleyway booty call, a bit extreme but I'd have to worry about the next time my SO had a few drinks and happens to be walking back to his car. If people were to own their actions with a bit more dignity, there wouldn't be a rainbow of degrees.
InternationalPlayboy Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 I'm not a cheater nor have I been cheated on, so my opinions are only theoretical. But I find the idea of "wrong is wrong" good in theory, but weak in the real world. Someone who looses control in a drunken rage is very different than John Wayne Gacy. Likewise, someone who gets carried away during a lap dance at a friend's bachelor party is very different than Tiger Woods.
Silly_Girl Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 I'm not a cheater nor have I been cheated on, so my opinions are only theoretical. But I find the idea of "wrong is wrong" good in theory, but weak in the real world. Someone who looses control in a drunken rage is very different than John Wayne Gacy. Likewise, someone who gets carried away during a lap dance at a friend's bachelor party is very different than Tiger Woods. I agree on both counts.
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