I think MM has been fishing for OOW :(

[20Seconds]

Hi

 

I've not posted many details of my A before now so the back story is, been seeing MM for about 15 months, currently on LC due to an enforced work move.

 

MM is, in his words, stuck in an unhappy marriage, no sex with BW, has had an A before me which had a d-day and they didn;t separate, staying for the moment due to the children but ultimately feels that divorce is the only way forward etc. Says his BW knows about our A.

 

We have never properly discussed him leaving his W but 3 months ago when he left, he told me he really did want to be with me, and would do all he could to find work back in the place I live. I wanted to be with him and was devastated he was leaving, so I said I would wait. I have been pretty miserable but trying to find things to do to occupy my time, we have been in touch most days by e-mail.

 

We were due to see each other soon and 2 weeks ago he asked if we could make the arrangements and told me how excited he was about seeing me again etc.

 

Then a week later he started making excuses, saying he had injured his back, and it was quite severe, so much so he couldn;t use the computer without being in pain and would need to take time off work. I said how sorry I was. Then heard nothing from him for 3 days.

 

Yesterday, someone he had recently "friended" on FB, posted on his wall to say "that he had been poking her so much over the last few days, why didn;t he say hi".

 

I texted him immediately, even though I never, ever normally text him at home, saying "you'd better check your FB page".

 

Today, I had a message from him to say she was not someone he knew, just a friend of a friend, and they were just messing about, and why had I felt the need to text him when he was at home.

 

From her post, it sounded to me as if he was the one who had initiated contact, although he denies this.

 

I have replied to let him know that him contacting women he does not know, online, behind my back is not acceptable to me and that I was angry, hurt, disappointed etc.

 

The thing is, it is not the first time it has happened, something similar happened once before, and the excuse he gave me was not very plausible, but let it go because I didn;t want to have an argument about it.

 

I have not had any response since I sent my e-mail.

 

Was it really unreasonable to have texted him? Most of the time I have tried to respect what he has asked me to do in terms of not contacting him, even when I have really wanted to speak to him.

 

My head is so messed up with this.

[skywriter]

....now this as well as so many other reasons that being an OW just doesn't fit my mold of character.

 

First and foremost, trust your gut instincts. Also, the idea of him asking you why are you texting me , would never do for me either.

 

Live your life and make him come for you.

 

You post raises my blood pressure.

 

No it wasn't unreasonable to text him, however his "ego" sounds a bit unreasonable!

[jthorne]

My question is why would you put up with any of that treatment? I don't mean to insult you, but from your post, it sounds like he just thinks of you as a convenient hole. So since you are in LC/now inconvenient, it makes sense that he might be looking for another one.

 

YUCK.

[Star_Bright]

Wow I feel bad for you, I think you know in your gut what is going on. He "poked" her multiple times on FB; don't buy into his BS about her being someone he doesn't even know. He clearly met her in real life and then was keeping up the "flirting" or initiation or whatever online. And poking her so that you wouldn't notice it like you would a message! And even if it weren't for this OOW, why are you putting your life on hold for this guy? He moved away, he's still with his wife, he makes excuses not to see you... time to move on Luv. It'll be for the best, there is something better out there for you! Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Start by being honest with yourself.

 

Yesterday, someone he had recently "friended" on FB, posted on his wall to say "that he had been poking her so much over the last few days, why didn;t he say hi".

 

I texted him immediately, even though I never, ever normally text him at home, saying "you'd better check your FB page".

 

You're jealous. I get that and it hurts. But, he isn't obligated to you. His silence is showing you how he feels about it. None of your business.

 

With that said, you say you he's backed off, making excuses and now he isn't replying back through email. He is a known cheater, recently with you and in his past too. He's cheats on his wife and honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if is looking or found someone else, another OW to meet his needs.

 

Ask yourself what it is you see in this guy? He's married, a cheater, and isn't very nice. What are you getting out of it except heartache and pain?

[myname]

You sound like a 12 year old. FB questions?? Grow up and get on with your life. Start by dating someone who isn't married.

 

hey, there's no need to be mean, she's asking valid questions for herself, and I see this forum as a place where you can ask whatever comes up for you, that might not be easy to ask any other place else or in real life, so let's either address the question as it stands, or show some compassion for the situation.

 

To the OP, I think you have every right to your feelings, and he as he is in a relationship with you regardless of the circumstances will have to acknowledge your feelings and respond to them. Don't negate how you felt about things, don't question your need for him to respond. I think it wasn't unreasonable to text him and even better that later you clearly said how you felt about the facebook activity. That's all we can do, be clear about what is acceptable to us or not and give that information as honestly and openly as we can. You've done nothing wrong.

[Spark1111]

20seconds.....

 

fBS here. Unfortunately, this behavior in your MM is not all that unusual, I'm afraid to say.

 

And it is hard to believe his wife knows about you and yet, this guy is still trawling the waters to flirt with OOW.

 

It is soooo symptomatic of what is broken within him. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis, a depression, or whatever.

 

Just as the affair had nothing to do with his wife, his looking to connect with new women has nothing to do with you.

 

He needs help. I hope he gets it.

 

For the sake of your own sanity, please move on. Go NC.

 

He needs the constant high and ego validation of new.

 

How sad. He will never be material for a long-term committed and intimate relationship with ANYONE until he fixes his insecurities.

Edited October 18, 2010 by Spark1111
wrong poster!

[bentnotbroken]

20seconds.....

 

fBS here. Unfortunately, this behavior in your MM is not all that unusual, I'm afraid to say.

 

And it is hard to believe his wife knows about you and yet, this guy is still trawling the waters to flirt with OOW.

 

It is soooo symptomatic of what is broken within him. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis, a depression, or whatever.

 

Just as the affair had nothing to do with his wife, his looking to connect with new women has nothing to do with you.

 

He needs help. I hope he gets it.

 

For the sake of your own sanity, please move on. Go NC.

 

He needs the constant high and ego validation of new.

 

How sad. He will never be material for a long-term committed and intimate relationship with ANYONE until he fixes his insecurities.

 

 

Ditto. When someone shows you who they are(he cheated before, he is cheating now, and he is looking to cheat in the future)believe them.

[2sure]

If his wife knows about you and the affair...whats the big deal about texting him at home?? I mean, why is so paranoid he cannot even get a text, not a phone call but a text? What is it he is so very desperate to hide?

 

His wife doesnt know. He has convinced her the affair is over or never happened. He is so afraid she will become suspicious and divorce him he dare not get a text.

 

So, yes as far as that goes you shouldnt have sent it.

But...why is he lying to you about his wife knowing and also lying to you about contacting OOW??

 

How do you decide what parts of what he tells you to believe?

[20Seconds]

Everyone, thank you so much for your responses. I will reply to various bits when I have read through in more detail.

 

I have some close friends who know I have been seeing a MM but no-one really in RL to voice my thoughts with. This forum is a godsend.

[20Seconds]

 

His wife doesnt know. He has convinced her the affair is over or never happened. He is so afraid she will become suspicious and divorce him he dare not get a text.

 

2sure I am very afraid that you may be right. The signs have been right there in front of me and I have ignored them. He stopped spending on his credit card. He stopped ever ringing me and asked me not to text him unless he said I could, because sometimes the texts got delayed and arrived after he had got home. I just thought he was being more careful because of the children.

 

So, yes as far as that goes you shouldnt have sent it.

But...why is he lying to you about his wife knowing and also lying to you about contacting OOW??

 

I don;t know. When I picked up his e-mail this morning I was totally prepared for him to say, sorry, I'm not going to able to come back and so I want to move on. Why bother telling me he was just messing about if he wanted out?

 

How do you decide what parts of what he tells you to believe?

 

I don't think I believe any of it anymore.

 

I have made it sound like this has been all bad and no good. Of course it has been good. We're the same age and have interests and ideas in common. He is great company, makes me laugh, we can talk for hours, he's always been there - at least at the end of an e-mail, when I've been in need of help or advice, we've shared loads together. He's supported me as much as he could through a recent bereavement, took me to see a sick relative in hospital. And of course, the sex is great.

 

This is why I am so hurt by him being in contact with this other women. We have spent a lot of really great, special times together.

 

I am desperate for it not to have been a total waste, for him not to have played me for a fool.

[xpaperxcutx]

Same old cliche- If he could cheat on his wife, why can't he cheat on you?

[Silly_Girl]

I am desperate for it not to have been a total waste, for him not to have played me for a fool.

 

20, please listen. THAT SENTENCE ABOVE, that sentence that YOU WROTE.... that sentence kept me in an emotionally abusive (and sometimes physically abusive) relationship for about 5 extra years, at a rough guess.

 

All you're doing, sunshine, is throwing good energy after bad. Think of it like this.... You have one year to 'spend', to fritter. Do you want one more year of this, or a year you could turn in to something valuable with someone worthwhile??? Hugs.

[20Seconds]

 

It is soooo symptomatic of what is broken within him.

 

Just as the affair had nothing to do with his wife, his looking to connect with new women has nothing to do with you.

 

He needs help. I hope he gets it.

 

He needs the constant high and ego validation of new.

 

How sad. He will never be material for a long-term committed and intimate relationship with ANYONE until he fixes his insecurities.

 

Your post has made me think, Spark. When you know someone has been married for a long time, you tend to assume they have been able to maintain an intimate and committed relationship for a good while, even if things have gone awry say, after the children came along.

 

Apart from the A which happened before me, MM told me he had an A really early on in his M when he "thought they were splitting up". He also told me he had left once before, when his elder children were small, but gone back (don't know if any OW was involved).

 

I thought all of this meant he and his BW had had problems from long ago and everything made sense about him wanting to leave and be with someone else. It hadn;t worked out with his former OW and it seemed reasonable he was trying again. If I hadn;t thought his BW knew, I would have thought he was wrong to be trying to do this while still married. But I didn;t want to interfere with something that was none of my business.

 

But now, looking at it the way you describe, it is pretty obvious. If he can't find it in himself to commit to his W, or his former OW, or me, it can;t be any one of us, it must be him.

 

Unless he is just trying a bit of damage limitation, I don;t think he completely wants to move on from me. I feel like he wants to keep me as an option. Ditto his wife. And god know how many other OOW as well. Perhaps we all fulfil some role or other.

 

I am going to go NC. His life is a mess and he has dragged me into it.

[20Seconds]

20, please listen. THAT SENTENCE ABOVE, that sentence that YOU WROTE.... that sentence kept me in an emotionally abusive (and sometimes physically abusive) relationship for about 5 extra years, at a rough guess.

 

All you're doing, sunshine, is throwing good energy after bad. Think of it like this.... You have one year to 'spend', to fritter. Do you want one more year of this, or a year you could turn in to something valuable with someone worthwhile??? Hugs.

 

Silly Girl , thank you for that. The thing is though, I can walk away, can;t I, and have only wasted a year of my life, and I could learn volumes from this.

 

If I have enabled him to gaslight his BW by telling her our A was over or never happened, well, I feel sick at the thought. She's got 20 years marriage, 3 kids and everything she has invested in this.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, you can walk away. Investing a year of your life is NOTHING compared to what he and his wife have invested in eachother, let alone THREE Kids.

 

You'll hurt, you'll cry, but you will get over it and know you've made the right choice.

 

asked me not to text him unless he said I could, because sometimes the texts got delayed and arrived after he had got home. I just thought he was being more careful because of the children.

 

Nothing to do with his kids, this has everything to do with his wife. Those kids probably could care less about any texts that daddy gets.

[20Seconds]

Yes, you can walk away. Investing a year of your life is NOTHING compared to what he and his wife have invested in eachother, let alone THREE Kids.

 

You'll hurt, you'll cry, but you will get over it and know you've made the right choice.

 

Thanks whichway, I see that now.

 

Nothing to do with his kids, this has everything to do with his wife. Those kids probably could care less about any texts that daddy gets.

 

Although I wanted to say more, I tried to make the text innocuous enough to be explained away, while still letting him know I was seriously upset about something. You are probably right, phones go off all the time. My son doesn't jump at my phone when a text arrives.

 

I feel so stupid but the weird thing is, no-one has posted anything that I didn;t kind of feel somewhere deep down inside. It just didnt stack up before, it was like lots of tangled threads leading me round and round in circles.

[fooled once]

I feel so stupid but the weird thing is, no-one has posted anything that I didn;t kind of feel somewhere deep down inside. It just didnt stack up before, it was like lots of tangled threads leading me round and round in circles.

 

20sec (hug) Please don't think you are stupid. You aren't. You just trusted; and seemingly, you trusted the wrong person.

 

And don't think of it as a year wasted, think of it as a year of learning

 

Walk away before you get even more emotionally invested in someone who isn't emotionally mature.

 

Good luck!

[20Seconds]

I've done it, I've sent an e-mail tonight saying I don;t want anymore contact.

 

We had an exchange of a couple more e-mails after I posted this thread.

 

He reiterated that he was only having a silly joke with this other woman, but even that is unacceptable to me.

 

If nothing else, if his intentions were just to mess around for a bit of attention and because he was bored, it was leading her on...and why would he do that anyway when he could have been interacting with me!!

 

He didn;t contact me once during that period of a few days.

 

I asked him if we could either speak on the phone about it, or meet up (as we were supposed to do), but he says and I quote

 

"my shoulder is still painful and I have some stuff to do with the family".

 

The shoulder that was too painful for him to use the PC except for poking another woman. Perhaps he could only do that, with the finger on his good arm

 

And yet, he would still have it he did nothing he thought was unacceptable.

 

NC will be hard but there is a chance he could still reappear due to work in the future, so I'm going to have to be prepared for that.

 

Thanks for all the posts on here, I may be back if eitehr of us waver.

[jthorne]

Ok, I'm confused by your post. You asked for NC, he honored that, so a few days later you asked to meet? He said no, so you're back to NC?

 

Did I understand that correctly?

[20Seconds]

Ok, I'm confused by your post. You asked for NC, he honored that, so a few days later you asked to meet? He said no, so you're back to NC?

 

Did I understand that correctly?

 

Sorry, jthorne, perhpas it was a bit unclear! Tonight is the first time I have gone NC. When I say he didn;t contact me for a few days, I meant while he was messing around with this other woman online, he didn't bother to contact me.

 

At that stage, we were still together, there had been no discussions about finishing things. Hope that clarifies!

[jthorne]

Ok, thanks for clarifying.

 

BTW, In my first post, I wasn't saying you are a "hole". I was simply saying that he was treating you with such disrespect!

 

I'd say that this one's probably not a good bet. Staying away from him is definitely in your best interest.

[Kismetly]

I've done it, I've sent an e-mail tonight saying I don;t want anymore contact.

 

We had an exchange of a couple more e-mails after I posted this thread.

 

He reiterated that he was only having a silly joke with this other woman, but even that is unacceptable to me.

 

If nothing else, if his intentions were just to mess around for a bit of attention and because he was bored, it was leading her on...and why would he do that anyway when he could have been interacting with me!!

 

He didn;t contact me once during that period of a few days.

 

I asked him if we could either speak on the phone about it, or meet up (as we were supposed to do), but he says and I quote

 

"my shoulder is still painful and I have some stuff to do with the family".

 

The shoulder that was too painful for him to use the PC except for poking another woman. Perhaps he could only do that, with the finger on his good arm

 

And yet, he would still have it he did nothing he thought was unacceptable.

 

NC will be hard but there is a chance he could still reappear due to work in the future, so I'm going to have to be prepared for that.

 

Thanks for all the posts on here, I may be back if eitehr of us waver.

 

Wow ... you're decisive. That's impressive. I've made the decision to break up with my lover - go no contact - whatever you call it, but I'm having trouble making it "official". I'm really impressed with your resolve. Keep us posted on how you go.

[whichwayisup]

DO NOT WAVER and do NOT be the one who caves!

 

This man has NO intention of changing anything. If you want him, BE his OW. Go on like things are now.

 

OR, be strong and make yourself get over him as he's not worth it.

 

"my shoulder is still painful and I have some stuff to do with the family".

 

He put you last. Lowest priority. Shoulder hurts and he's got stuff to do with his family.

 

BELIEVE HIM. He has no intention of doing anything different than what he's been doing in the past.

 

He reacted when you told him it was over. He came up with excuses and tried to minimize what he was doing with the OOW. He's fooling you, I hope you see this?

[20Seconds]

Hi

 

Well Day 1 of NC.

 

I have been decisive and I sort of feel empowered about it. It has been easier because I don;t have to see him, as he lives miles away. We worked together for the first year of the A and to be honest, the times when we nearly finished before (it happened twice), we didn;t have proper NC and I went back.

 

I think my decisiveness comes not from the fact that I caught him with his hand hovering above the cookie jar but because he is refusing to speak to me.

 

Not only do I not trust him, but I can;t have a relationship with someone who won;t talk when something serious happens.

 

This has been the pattern all the way through, as soon as an issue arises or he has done something that I have got upset or angry about, he completely shuts himself off. Sometimes it has taken 2-3 weeks to get back to normal communication.

 

Not only does it mean I have to second guess everything - what is he thinking / feeling / what should I do, but I don;t know whether it's because he's got too much to hide, and so "talking" for him represents too risky a situation, or whether he's just completely conflict avoidant and can;t cope with it.

 

I never asked him to leave his W and I still haven;t. I want him to know that it's his behaviour that has caused our breakup, and not the fact that he is married.

 

I am doing OK but I am still thinking about him / us almost all the time and swinging round and round in circles.