love or hate?

[xxxMusicChickxxx]

Hey everyone , this feels kinda awkward, but i suppose it doesn’t matter, since this is anonymous and the only way, this is gonna be pretty long, so I really appreciate anyone who actually will take the time to read this and comment xxx

It all started when i got MSN, my friend Jonny had given me his email address and had helped me get started, it was great to start with, because i could keep in contact with friends from all over, including Jonny, even though he lived near, i didn’t get to see him a lot, and it was good to be able to talk to him more, we were always close, my parents and his were the greatest friends, and whenever we went round there, me and Jonny would always have a laugh, he would tease me rotten, but it was great, it was just a great friendship.

Until 1 day i talked 2 Jonny over MSN, he didn’t seem very happy, i asked him what was wrong, he said that he was having a few personal problems, i sed i was sorry to hear that, and if there was anything i could do, he said "talk to me" so i did, i felt so sorry for him, this didn’t sound like the Jonny i knew, he told me how he was finding it hard to get a girlfriend, because he wasn’t good looking, and that he didn’t have many friends, that i was the main person he actually talked to on MSN, and that he couldn’t find a job, i tried to reassure him, that girls just want a man that will treat them right, i mean, he doesn’t have to look like the next Robert Pattinson/Leonardo Dicaprio etc etc etc and that im sure he would find a job sometime, after all, he was 20, and just out of college, he didn’t seem to sure though, and went away feeling pretty depressed.

Next day i talked to him, i asked him whether he was feeling any better, he said a bit, i was talking to my friend Emz at the time, and i told her that Jonny wasn’t feeling himself, Emz didn’t know Jonny, but she had heard all the stories i had told her about what fun me and him had, so i introduced her to him over MSN, the conversation was great, we all had fun and a laugh, Emz then said something that me and her were privately talking about when it was just me and her, so after she had left with many apologies, Jonny wanted to know what was going on, so i said to him "you tell me what was bothering you, and il tell you what was bothering me" seemed like a good idea at the time, so that’s what we did, Jonnys problem was that his internet relationship with a girl he had had with called Anna, had broken up, we then got off topic, cause i could see that it was bothering him to talk about it, we talked about meanings of names, he told me that the meaning of my name meant "Linden tree" and that that tree was the most prettiest tree he had ever seen, i felt kinda strange, kinda really embarrassed, but i didn’t think any thing of it, So i sed a embarrassed thanks, and changed the subject really quick, he asked me whether he thought that we'd be friends in the future i sed "of course we will" and he asked "what makes you so sure" and i said "i just know" and shock me to the core....he thought that i fancied him, and he kinda made hints that he did too, i asked him outright whether he did, and he said "yes" i was so shocked, he then started saying that we would do something about it when i was out of school, i made my excuses, and went offline.

The next day, i didn’t know what to do, school seemed to whiz by, and all i could think about on that long, rainy way home was how stupid id been, i should of just told Jonny that i didn’t like him like that, but i just didn’t want to hurt him, i saw him drive by, obviously coming home, he beeped his car at me and started waving at me, i just stared at him and started to cry, why was he acting like that? surely he knew that i didn’t like him, by the way i had acted last night on MSN, when I eventually got home, I didn’t bother to change in some dry clothes, I just logged on and then i typed to him that i was sorry, that i didn’t think about him in that way, that i should of told him last night, but i didn’t want to hurt him, but there was no way that i could do it without hurting him a little, i also said i hope we could be friends, and to my amazement, he totally flipped, he said horrible cruel things to me, that I still remember to this day, he insisted that i was wrong and that i didn’t know how i felt, that i did love him, and that i was just a child, and i didn’t know how i felt, and that i was stupid for wanting to tell my parents, stupid for wanting to do well at school, just plain stupid, stupid, stupid.

I must of talked to him about 6 times over the next day trying to sort things out, in the end, after id promised him that i wouldn’t tell my parents, i ran to my mum, crying, telling her everything, and that i was sorry that i didn’t tell her sooner, but i just wanted to sort it myself, she was so nice, she told me that it was obvious that Jonny had always loved me, right from when he first saw me, and she sat with me while i talked to him, watched everything that was being said, and then told me what to put, we managed to sort it, Jonny said it had been "emotional" and that he was glad me and him were friends, but he still begged me not to tell my parents, as he didn’t know that my mum was sitting next to me, we just thought it was because his dad could get really mad sometimes, so we just shook it off, and my mum told me not to worry about it anymore, because she would think about telling his parents.

I tried talking to Jonny over MSN again in a while, as i badly wanted to build our friendship up again, as when i had seen him a couple of days ago, it had been so awkward, and he had seemed to full of himself for some reason, but all we did was argue, he wouldn’t treat me like he did before, he seemed to treat me like the little girl and himself the big scary man, he said things like he thought himself great, and that Anna had dumped him because he just flirted with so many girls. But i knew that was a lie, because he was so shy, also, as a topic of conversation, I told him about my work I was doing on finding out about my family, that involved many trips to the local cemetery, or so he said, he actually offered to take me to the cemetery himself, just me and him alone in that familiar creepy green car of his (he had started driving around after school looking to see me walk home, I knew that this was true because I had seen his number plate) when my mum eventually told his mum and when Jonnys mum eventually told Jonnys dad, all he responded was "let them sort it out for themselves" and Jonnys mum seemed to think it was funny, and that I hadn’t been completely truthful, and in her own words, she basically called me a tart and a liar, and that Jonny did not like me in that way, this had hurt me really bad, Jonny’s mum to me, was like family, my mum, bless her, wrote a very long offline message back to her saying that I wasn’t perfect but I was certainly not a liar and a tart, and if Jonny wasn’t lying, why had he begged me not to tell her? And why on earth did he ask me to go to the cemetery with him?

After all of that, my mum and Jonny’s mum were still friends, and I still talked to her, but I had been instructed not to talk to Jonny online ever again, and I had now blocked him, Jonny had done the same on facebook, even though I never talked to him on there, was that some weird way of getting revenge? I missed out going round there for a while, when I did eventually go round there house, it was kinda awkward with me there, Jonny seemed to not like it when I for once, stood up for myself, he would yell at me “WHO’S HOUSE IS THIS???” but it certainly wasn’t his! I became angry with him, and would become more argumentative, but I used to hate it, because it would make me feel so sad, until one day, I thought to myself…did I make the right choice? Do I like Jonny? Was this why I was missing him so much? I thought about him a lot then, all the fun we used to have, it made me seem sad and unhappy to all my friends, I would confide in a close friend of mine about it a lot, I never told my parents, because they had there suspicions about him already, like one day when my parents were round his, Jonny and his dad were arguing, and it had turned out that Jonny had come home really late, when he had told them he would be home in another 5 minutes. My dad thought that he was going round after prostitutes, because, Jonny was obviously a virgin, because he hadn’t had a girlfriend in a long while, and he just seemed desperate enough to do that, my mum thought he was a disgusting sleazy type of person, just the way he would sit in his chair would make you feel uncomfortable to be alone with him, I didn’t know what to think, one minute, I would miss him so much, and would regret saying no to his offer, And the next minute I would hate him and would feel totally lucky for finding out what he was really like, maybe I was just angry with him because he had affected me for so long?

Now I come to the end of my ranting and raving…..so what should I do, forget about Jonny and completely move on from him and his family? Or should I try to build our friendship back up? Or maybe talk to him about something more in the future?

This may have been a complete waste of time, because this may sound like a load of crap to all of you, or the answer maybe obvious, but I feel so much better for finally putting this up on here, thank you so much for listening

MC xxxx

[Mrs Nobody]

This seems like a tricky one, I'll admit.

I think that there's a lot more negativity in this post than anything else.... it might be a good idea to try and move on. Though, of course, you could always try to get back in contact and patch things up. As I said, though, it's a really tricky situation...

If it were me in that situation (which, y'know, is kind of dumb to say because it's NOT me and we probably wouldn't make the same decisions because we're two different people, this is just a random opinion which might help you) then I would certainly consider trying to patch things up. However I know how hard that can be.

I say; give it a try. Then at least you can move on afterwards if all does not go to plan.