1978 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Ok - thanks for taking your time reading this. I'll boil my story down to the short, essential issues. I am a guy in the beginning of thirties and I've been together with my girlfriend for many years - since the beginning of my twenties. We have so many good memories together. Relationship has been stable, and I still love her, at least as a person and human being, but often over the last year I've often not been able to see her as a lover, but merely as a family member who I love, and who I could not seperate myself from. I am in a position/job, where I have the possibility to meet some girls - in the short version - I had a very short affair with a girl in my age which I can only describe as emotional and sexual. I fell madly in love with her, and I seriously felt like hell for several months. It was not supposed to happen, I was supposed to be in control, but could simply not resist. The woman I had an affair with knew what she was going into(told her from the very beginning, before our short lived affair that I was in a relationship), nevertheless I felt very sorry for not being able to be with her, (and in all, I really can not recommend having an affair, not being able to show yourself fully, I felt miserable). I also felt some guilt towards my girlfriend, however things were not going very well at home. And still today, I can not really regret that I had the affair - that's the horrible thing about it all. Anyway, I told my affair, that I, truely, was deeply disturbed emotionally, and that I would have to make up my mind on things. I really tried to ride the storm off as I believed my relationship was too important to be blown away so fast, and that I would need some kind of certainty. I was scared, that I would leave and then regret, and run back again and disturb everything. So I cooled down over some months and got back to be relatively happy again, however I still had a very brief (not physical) contact with my affair, that means eg. a small comment through facebook etc.. I had to do some work abroad, and was away from my girlfriend for over a month, got back in town, and got last week a message from the girl I had an affair with, if we could meet and talk - which we did. Well, nothing happened, aside from the fact that we discussed life in general - as we had done before - and I now think about her constantly again, and continue to wonder about how life could be with her. Two last things should be made clear at last. 1. being in the beginning of 30'ies starting a family soon is a priority, but I've been under no pressure within my current relationship. My girlfriend has not been against kids, but not embraced me either to go after starting a family. To some degree I think I would - at present - be more ready to start a family than my girlfriend is (but I would not mind to wait several years either). As to my affair, I know she would like to have kids relatively soon, and this is not an issue that scare me off. So I have come to the conclusion, that I really need stability, I am not into short term affairs, the affair was serious and not for funl. Having the feeling as described in the above, I really do not understand, why I apparently feel like being back at the start again after this meeting with the girl last week. I once again feel terrible not being able to call her or mail her (because I can under no circumstances accept cheating any more), and over the last couple of days I have been checking my phone at odd times for sms'-messages from her. If I really love her, why do I feel so miserable for thinking about leaving my girlfriend? What can I do with such mixed emotions? Have tried to give myself some deadlines (if I'm not happy next week' I'll break up...but breaking up feels so deverstating hard, I am not sure I can make it). Any advice on mixed motions like this would be appreciated. I have good friends and family, but talking to any of them about leaving my girlfriend is really out of the question for me, unless I so to speak have passed the point of no return. Thanks for reading this long email...! any advice on coping with such mixed emotions would be highly appreciated. Thanks Loveshack.
thatsonlyme Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I can imagine how you feel man and you have a tough decision to make. If you decide to leave, you'll have to live with your decision for the rest of your life, but you already know that. You should probably try to figure out why you feel that way, maybe even get some professional help, because you obviously still love your gf but you don't feel the same passion anymore. What makes you feel it will be different next time? What you're looking for you can only get in early stages of a relationship and it will eventually go away even if you find a new gf. True love, in my opinion is when you have a strong commitment. I think it should be cherished. I guess some people have issues with that, my ex gf being one of them. To be honest, even though I was a dumpee in my latest break up, I did feel a little bit like you describe close to the end of our relationship. I started getting interested in other girls but I just decided to stay away from them because I still deeply loved my ex. I guess she was going through the same but she was stronger than me and decided to move on. Do what you have to do man, but don't forget, the grass is not always greener on the other side... good luck
TLCbear Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I agree with the last poster. However, what I don't get is why people can't be honest with their partners. How can you be in a relationship with someone you can't communicate with. You should have told her the truth BEFORE cheating. And just remember: Everything is always good when just starting or sampling, but once you get the whole enchilda, it's a totally different story.
broken-and-lost Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Only do this if it's 100% what you want otherwise you will be on here crying about second chances and saying how much you messed up. Try just talking to your girl about your relationship and how you both think it's going and what you can do to improve it before you go down this road once it's done you can't take it back Remember why you got together and why you think you no longer what to be there.
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