whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 We grew up together, but lost touch for 18 years and then reconnected 6 weeks ago and began dating. You don't know him as well as you think you do. You're fooling yourself if you truly believe that. You knew him as a kid, a young teen, not as an adult. He has family, inlaws, a life built with his wife.. 6 weeks can't compare to what they have together, all that history. The history you share with him is not the same at all that he has and shares with his wife. Also, there's no way you know for sure that their marriage isn't going to work out. Wishful thinking/hoping on your part. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, in their house, in their bedroom. Don't assume anything, especially don't bank what he's told you as 'the truth'.
fooled once Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 6 weeks ago, I started seeing and falling in love with this man. He had been off and on with his wife for 6 years (she cheated several times 6 years ago). He was sure that he was ready to file and move on with his life...and he did file and got a court date. He was falling in love with me and we were planning on being together. A week ago, he started having doubts and says that he is torn between us. (From his actions, I believe him -- I've known him all of my life and I know he's a good guy with a good heart.) Last week, I walked away, tried to be friends for a couple days and am now trying to not have contact with him. When we broke up, he said he was talking to her about things that needed to change between them in order for him to come home. Well, then some drama happened in her life, making her feel stalked and he moved home. I dont know if he moved home purely because of that or not. I agree that if he has feelings for her, he needs to try to make it work with her before he can move on with his life, especially because of their son. I don't think that they will be able to work it out and quite honestly, hope they don't. In the last week, I have become friends (through text only) with his wife. I did that so that I could maintain a friendship with him without her feeling uncomfortable...when I was ready. At some point, I will try to be friends with him again -- I just don't feel strong enough right now. He and I suspect that she knows that something happened between the two of us -- she got my number from his phone bill and she has asked him about things that I said in fb messages that she shouldn't have read (and would definately know about us if she did read). I imagine its killing her that she can't confront him with what she knows, that he is lying to her (he told her I was 90% of the reason he came back) and that I am so nice to her. I imagine at some point, she will break down and just ask. What I want to know is what to do? I love this man with all of my heart and I want the best for him, even if it means him being with his wife. I doubt that it is -- simply because of the past. I have my opinions about it all, but I know he needs to figure that out on his own. I miss him like crazy, but I also know that if I talk to him, even innocently, his judgment toward her will be cloudy and my heart will continue to break. I am fairly certain not talking to him is bothering him more because he misses me and I'm even more certain that me talking to his wife makes him miss me, if he knows about it. Here's the goal I want to accomplish: Help him quickly see that nothing is going to change in the long run between them without doing anything that will make him mad or upset with me. I don't want him to come back to me right away. I just want him away from her for good (except as parents of their son) and then we will see what happens between us, in time. Any words of wisdom will help, thank you...please no judgment. I know that I should have waited to get involved until he was divorced. Totally, totally creepy and uncool that you have befriended his wife. Totally Are you saying it was wrong for the wife to read his fb messages? why? They are married; maybe they share things like that. Some people have total transparency in their marriage. You don't know her; except from what HE has told you; and I am sure he is blaming everything wrong in the marriage on his wife But here you are, forming not so good opinions of her; yet turning around and befriending her. I realize I can't become best friends with his wife and I don't want to. Its a temporary thing so that she feels comfortable with me being in his life. After a while, I will let it fade away... I also know that I have to back off from my friendship with him. I don't want to but I know that if he is ever gonna be able to figure this out, I need to be out of his mind. At the same time, I want to make sure he knows that his doubts have not made irreparable damage to our friendship. I will be there for him if and when he gets hurt again, as a friend. Yes, I want a future with him, but not until he is done with his marriage and I realize he is not done. You want to make sure he knows you are waiting. Got it. You said you told him you loved him. He should know. Does he know you have befriended his wife???? If you know HE is not done; then why befriend the wife? If you know he is not done, why not continue to walk away and stop this "I want to be friends with him" stuff? The more I talk to you guys, the more I see things clearly and am beginning to realize how I really feel. I do want him to give a full fledged effort to his marriage and I don't want to be involved in their marriage. I don't want to be the reason they split. I do respect his decision to try to work it out - he is doing it for the right reasons. I want to be a good friend of his, like I had intended to at the beginning of all of this. I can't do that if she is suspicious of something going on between us. He and I are over until he is a single man again -- then we may re-evaluate the situation and our feelings (if that ever happens.) Me befriending her is not to be cruel, but to ease her mind. I am not gonna make my moves on him while they are trying to work things out. I am a way better person than that. My presence is not with the intent to sabotage. My presence is intended to provide friendship, comfort and support for him. Since he decided to go back to try, I haven't talked to him unless he was not with her and I have never said anything that would get him in trouble with her. Once I am ready, I intend to continue to do the same. I love him enough to let him go and do what he needs to do. Yes, 6 weeks ago (everything happened pretty fast). I am a young adult (25+), not a teenager. But you want him to hurry up and get divorced. Good luck with that - they have a child; that will take some time. Are you going to start dating him right away, you know, to make sure he knows you love him? What do you think his wife is going to do when she realizes that you befriended her and now are with her H? She will totally use that against him the divorce! This is gonna sound harsh, but it's delusional to think that you can be friends with someone who you are in love with especially with all the conflicted feelings that you and he have for each other. You can't be present and allow him to work on his marriage, that is delusional also. It just isn't the way reality works and you need to accept this or you are gonna get sucked in deeper and the hurt is going to be worse. Also.........your motives about being his wife's friend.....on come on, don't make me put on my hip waders to wade through the bs on that one. Tell him how you feel and then back off, not just part of the way off, but completely away. Do it for yourself and him. Great advice BB! He knows how I feel about the whole thing. He knows I love him, he knows that I don't intend on waiting around for him, that I think he is doing the right thing and that I am very certain that it won't work out, despite how hard either of them will try. I didn't realize that it would appear that me being friends with his wife was cruel. I REALLY REALLY didn't mean that. I just wanted to assure her that nothing was going happen between me and him, without telling her that something did happen. I was just really hoping that I didn't have to completely let him go -- that there was some way I didn't have to completely lose him. I can back off my efforts of "getting him" and just be friends, but you guys seem to think that isn't healthy or something. I am strong enough to handle a friendship with an ex and I am wise enough to take a break to heal from the break up. regarding what I bolded .... so you are trying to gaslight her. You are pretending like you aren't in love with him and haven't slept with him and aren't waiting around for their marriage to fail? You want to 'assure' her that you and he didn't 'fall in love'. How is that working for you? So you have inserted YOURSELF into THEIR marriage. Are you also going to tell her that she deserves a better guy? Are you going to convince her that he isn't the right person for her and that her marriage is doomed? Okay, I get it -- no more communication with his wife, period. Yes, I understand that 18 years of not being in touch may have affected how well I know him, but not really. He is the same old person he always has been. Besides, we were pretty much in constant communication these last 6 weeks. and like I've said several times, I am in no hurry to go into a relationship with him at all when and if he ever leaves her. This isn't about stealing him from her or anything like that. He has let me make all the decisions about what happens between the two of us, from the beginning. We intended to be friends, but more developed. I am the one who called it off. How can you know someone for 18 years if you are 25ish? You were 7 or so the last time you saw him....and he is the same? YIKES!!! So in 6 weeks, you started talking to a married guy from your childhood, then stated "dating" a married guy, he moved out and then back in with his wife. Sounds like the guy really wasn't seeking a divorce - he was trying to scare his wife into behaving again. Doesn't sound like he was really serious since he ran back home so easily and quickly. Lol....Debra you said that you are 25 and you went 18 years without seeing this person. That means you were children when you knew him before. How is he the same? Does he still play lego and pick his nose? lol... Seriously you can't know this person the way you think you do. Six weeks is nothing in terms of developing a real relationship. This is an infatuation based on your fantasy of who you think he is. By your own words you said that you were becoming friends with his wife as a means to get her to trust you and then you were planning to let the friendship go once this mission was accomplished. I know you are young but do you seriously not get what is wrong with that? Ditto. He knows you are there. He knows you love him. So back away from him and let him be. He has made the choice for now to stay married and work on that marriage. I know you don't like that choice; but now it is time for you to respect the decision he made and stop trying to undermine it.
2sunny Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 My suggestion is, back off completely and disappear out of his life, and most of all, do NOT befriend her, as it's not coming from a sincere place, it's so you can meddle in their marriage, or keep tabs on her/them. You have no control over this, it's their marriage and he obviously loved her enough at some point in time to make her his wife. If/when he divorces his wife, then decide if the timing is right to date him, see him etc, but until that time happens, focus on you and your own life. He cannot begin to reconnect with his wife with you around. Again, please don't befriend his wife. It's not nice to be sneaky and have other intentions, all the meanwhile you and him are making a fool of her. this is good advice. why would you be her friend? sheeez, you intend to destroy her M! THAT is no friend.... you are her enemy. tell her the truth. any friend would...include that you are the enemy dressed up as a friend.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Are you saying it was wrong for the wife to read his fb messages? why? They are married; maybe they share things like that. Some people have total transparency in their marriage. You don't know her; except from what HE has told you; and I am sure he is blaming everything wrong in the marriage on his wife But here you are, forming not so good opinions of her; yet turning around and befriending her. Well I think it's wrong to read another's personal messages: it's called boundaries... And if she's reading his FB messages, it's probably because he cheated before. From what I can tell, most spouses respect another's personal space until they have reason to question. And total transparency IE checking FB messages, voicemails etc means that someone is the prison warden and checking up on their spouse because they cheated in the past. So OP, do you know if he's cheated before and does that angle affect your R at all or not? GEL
desertIslandCactus Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Well I think it's wrong to read another's personal messages: it's called boundaries... GEL "boundaries" .. :lmao:
fooled once Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Well I think it's wrong to read another's personal messages: it's called boundaries... And if she's reading his FB messages, it's probably because he cheated before. From what I can tell, most spouses respect another's personal space until they have reason to question. And total transparency IE checking FB messages, voicemails etc means that someone is the prison warden and checking up on their spouse because they cheated in the past. So OP, do you know if he's cheated before and does that angle affect your R at all or not? GEL While I agree GEL, there was a post a bit back, I think in Marriage, where it talked about how spouses read each others email and such. Many said that is how they are as a couple. While my H can if he wants read my email and such, he doesn't. We DO have those boundaries, but many times people state they have total transparency. Maybe the original couple have that; maybe he left it open and the wife stumbled across it, etc. Heck, we have seen posts here from OW who have the email and fb passwords of the MM.
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