How do I deal?

[DebraChloe]

6 weeks ago, I started seeing and falling in love with this man. He had been off and on with his wife for 6 years (she cheated several times 6 years ago). He was sure that he was ready to file and move on with his life...and he did file and got a court date. He was falling in love with me and we were planning on being together.

 

A week ago, he started having doubts and says that he is torn between us. (From his actions, I believe him -- I've known him all of my life and I know he's a good guy with a good heart.) Last week, I walked away, tried to be friends for a couple days and am now trying to not have contact with him.

 

When we broke up, he said he was talking to her about things that needed to change between them in order for him to come home. Well, then some drama happened in her life, making her feel stalked and he moved home. I dont know if he moved home purely because of that or not.

 

I agree that if he has feelings for her, he needs to try to make it work with her before he can move on with his life, especially because of their son. I don't think that they will be able to work it out and quite honestly, hope they don't.

 

In the last week, I have become friends (through text only) with his wife. I did that so that I could maintain a friendship with him without her feeling uncomfortable...when I was ready. At some point, I will try to be friends with him again -- I just don't feel strong enough right now.

 

He and I suspect that she knows that something happened between the two of us -- she got my number from his phone bill and she has asked him about things that I said in fb messages that she shouldn't have read (and would definately know about us if she did read). I imagine its killing her that she can't confront him with what she knows, that he is lying to her (he told her I was 90% of the reason he came back) and that I am so nice to her. I imagine at some point, she will break down and just ask.

 

What I want to know is what to do? I love this man with all of my heart and I want the best for him, even if it means him being with his wife. I doubt that it is -- simply because of the past. I have my opinions about it all, but I know he needs to figure that out on his own. I miss him like crazy, but I also know that if I talk to him, even innocently, his judgment toward her will be cloudy and my heart will continue to break. I am fairly certain not talking to him is bothering him more because he misses me and I'm even more certain that me talking to his wife makes him miss me, if he knows about it.

 

Here's the goal I want to accomplish: Help him quickly see that nothing is going to change in the long run between them without doing anything that will make him mad or upset with me. I don't want him to come back to me right away. I just want him away from her for good (except as parents of their son) and then we will see what happens between us, in time. Any words of wisdom will help, thank you...please no judgment. I know that I should have waited to get involved until he was divorced.

[MorningCoffee]

Here's the goal I want to accomplish: Help him quickly see that nothing is going to change in the long run between them without doing anything that will make him mad or upset with me. I don't want him to come back to me right away. I just want him away from her for good (except as parents of their son) and then we will see what happens between us, in time. Any words of wisdom will help, thank you...please no judgment. I know that I should have waited to get involved until he was divorced.

 

Wow, a lot of threads are interwoven here. I feel for you.

 

What you have posed as a goal is kind of where I was back several months ago when my ex-AP/MW decided to stay with her husband after she had fessed up to him the extent of our involvement. I too hoped she would quickly realize their marriage was a lost cause (and had been long before our affair), and she or he would quickly take the steps to move on and heal, and then of course I had my hopes up for us.

 

Well, several months down the road, for reasons I have described in another post, it became clear that nothing is changed. As far as I could tell, they may go on in their dysfunctional way for years and years. And there is not a blessed thing that I can do about that. All I can do is take care of me.

 

So, my thought is that, hard as it may be, you need to accept that there really is nothing you can do to "Help him quickly see that nothing is going to change in the long run between them" - that is something only he can get to, if he does, in his own time.

 

The best thing you can do is to take care for yourself. If in the future he is to be there with you, then you will be better for having done that, and if not, then you will be better for having done that.

 

Best wishes.

[BB07]

6 weeks ago, I started seeing and falling in love with this man. He had been off and on with his wife for 6 years (she cheated several times 6 years ago). He was sure that he was ready to file and move on with his life...and he did file and got a court date. He was falling in love with me and we were planning on being together.

 

A week ago, he started having doubts and says that he is torn between us. (From his actions, I believe him -- I've known him all of my life and I know he's a good guy with a good heart.) Last week, I walked away, tried to be friends for a couple days and am now trying to not have contact with him.

 

When we broke up, he said he was talking to her about things that needed to change between them in order for him to come home. Well, then some drama happened in her life, making her feel stalked and he moved home. I dont know if he moved home purely because of that or not.

 

He has clearly told you that he is confused and not sure what he wants and if he is talking to her about the changes that need to be made, it's clear he is NOT done with his marriage.

 

I agree that if he has feelings for her, he needs to try to make it work with her before he can move on with his life, especially because of their son. I don't think that they will be able to work it out and quite honestly, hope they don't.

 

If you agree, then let him try without interference from you. Look at it this way......you will be protecting yourself and also if he does end up leaving, you'll have a lot less baggage.

 

In the last week, I have become friends (through text only) with his wife. I did that so that I could maintain a friendship with him without her feeling uncomfortable...when I was ready. At some point, I will try to be friends with him again -- I just don't feel strong enough right now.

 

WHY did you do that? Yuck!!! Sorry but that is really a underhanded thing to do. You "say" you want him to work on his marriage if that is what he wants, but you have befriended his wife.......come on, that is twisted. Sounds to me like you want to keep tabs on him and the wife and how they are doing. Do you get how angry and hurt she is going to be if she finds out that her husbands OW befriended her? Again.......yuck and that is really distasteful and cruel to her!

 

He and I suspect that she knows that something happened between the two of us -- she got my number from his phone bill and she has asked him about things that I said in fb messages that she shouldn't have read (and would definately know about us if she did read). I imagine its killing her that she can't confront him with what she knows, that he is lying to her (he told her I was 90% of the reason he came back) and that I am so nice to her. I imagine at some point, she will break down and just ask.

 

Again yuck! You are talking out of both sides of your mouth saying you want him to work it out if that is what he wants but you are sticking yourself right in the middle of it. No good can come of it.

 

What I want to know is what to do? I love this man with all of my heart and I want the best for him, even if it means him being with his wife. I doubt that it is -- simply because of the past. I have my opinions about it all, but I know he needs to figure that out on his own. I miss him like crazy, but I also know that if I talk to him, even innocently, his judgment toward her will be cloudy and my heart will continue to break. I am fairly certain not talking to him is bothering him more because he misses me and I'm even more certain that me talking to his wife makes him miss me, if he knows about it.

 

You have a f***up dynamic going on here in your own head. IMO.......you should back completely away, you'll save yourself a lot of pain and also if you keep hanging on and inserting yourself in the middle you are just going to enable him to sit on the fence. If the man really does love you and really wants to leave his marriage, he will do that, but you hanging on won't help him MAKE a decision, it will just allow the fence sitting to go on and on.

 

Here's the goal I want to accomplish: Help him quickly see that nothing is going to change in the long run between them without doing anything that will make him mad or upset with me. I don't want him to come back to me right away. I just want him away from her for good (except as parents of their son) and then we will see what happens between us, in time. Any words of wisdom will help, thank you...please no judgment. I know that I should have waited to get involved until he was divorced.

 

It irks me when people put conditions on the advice they want.........come on, get real. Don't expect to be coddled.

As I said above.......if you really want him, then back all the way off after you tell him how you feel, to stay will enable him to have both of you and fence sit and will just add to his confusion and will cause you a world of hurt.

[whichwayisup]

My suggestion is, back off completely and disappear out of his life, and most of all, do NOT befriend her, as it's not coming from a sincere place, it's so you can meddle in their marriage, or keep tabs on her/them. You have no control over this, it's their marriage and he obviously loved her enough at some point in time to make her his wife.

 

If/when he divorces his wife, then decide if the timing is right to date him, see him etc, but until that time happens, focus on you and your own life.

 

He cannot begin to reconnect with his wife with you around.

 

Again, please don't befriend his wife. It's not nice to be sneaky and have other intentions, all the meanwhile you and him are making a fool of her.

[carhill]

Here's the goal I want to accomplish: Help him quickly see that nothing is going to change in the long run between them without doing anything that will make him mad or upset with me. I don't want him to come back to me right away. I just want him away from her for good (except as parents of their son) and then we will see what happens between us, in time. Any words of wisdom will help, thank you...please no judgment. I know that I should have waited to get involved until he was divorced.

 

Except for the part about wanting him away from your new friend (his wife) for good being really indicative of your current psychological state, your goal is a reasonable one for anyone who is in an unbalanced relationship. You're seeking balance. You also recognize that your presence is unhealthy, reflected in the last sentence of the quote.

 

I recall my 'OW', upon repeated interactions with my now ex-wife, telling me 'she sure is mean to you'. The funny part, in the end, even though I was clear, transparent and moved immediately to divorce when MC failed, is that *she* was mean to me too. She saw her own behaviors reflected in my ex-wife. I had 'fallen', once 26 years ago (OW), and once 10 years ago (ex-W) for the same unhealthy (for me) personality type. Life reveals nothing if not the truth.

 

Like the others shared, distance and silence are healthier choices. Remaining in the milieu will only serve to harm more than it helps. Hope it works out

[spice4life]

I'm curious, why would you befriend his wife under these circumstances? Not trying to sound harsh, but it does seem a bit odd. I could see befriending her if they were divorced or in the process of an amicable (sp?) one. Especially if there are children involved. But while he is caught between the two of you could make it backfire on you.

 

I would back off that friendship for now if I were you. It triangulates the situation and that's never good.

Edited October 18, 2010 by spice4life

[DebraChloe]

I realize I can't become best friends with his wife and I don't want to. Its a temporary thing so that she feels comfortable with me being in his life. After a while, I will let it fade away...

 

I also know that I have to back off from my friendship with him. I don't want to but I know that if he is ever gonna be able to figure this out, I need to be out of his mind.

 

At the same time, I want to make sure he knows that his doubts have not made irreparable damage to our friendship. I will be there for him if and when he gets hurt again, as a friend.

 

Yes, I want a future with him, but not until he is done with his marriage and I realize he is not done.

[whichwayisup]

If he chooses his wife and marriage, decides that he isn't leaving her, ever.. then you can't be in his life. No friendship. It won't be good for you, your feelings won't go away and you won't be able to let go of him. Also, the friendship would be selfish and problematic to his marriage because of the affair. There's no way his wife would want you in his life, let alone hers, because of the nature of your friendship with him..The affair.

 

What you're doing by be friending her isn't cool. It's under false pretenses and cruel.

[DebraChloe]

So the consensus is no contact with either of them, even if he is still on the fence?

 

I don't want to be selfish. I just want to do what is best for him without destroying me.

[whichwayisup]

You have no reason nor business being friends with his wife. To her, you are the enemy, the woman waiting in the wings for her husband, for their marriage to fail.

 

If you stay with him, all you do is enable him to do nothing. Nothing meaning, he stays married and you stay the OW.

 

You're going to get hurt either way. The choice is his, he's choosing to stay married, atleast that's how it seems now.

 

All you can do is try to put yourself first and be with your friends, focus on your own life and detach from his.

[DebraChloe]

I don't want to be the OW. Letting him go is hard.

[alexandria35]

I realize I can't become best friends with his wife and I don't want to. Its a temporary thing so that she feels comfortable with me being in his life. After a while, I will let it fade away...

 

 

So you are using her to get to him and to involve yourself in thier marriage. Can't see how that is a terrible thing to do? Are normally this callous and cruel towards people? You are not her friend and actually I don't think you are really his friend either at this point. You are pretending to support his decision to work on his marriage but secretely hoping he fails. Worse you are on this board asking how you can manipulate this situation so that his marriage will fail faster and not make him mad at you.

 

Also you said that you have been dating this guy for six weeks. How old are you?

[on a learning curve]

So you are using her to get to him and to involve yourself in thier marriage. Can't see how that is a terrible thing to do? Are normally this callous and cruel towards people? You are not her friend and actually I don't think you are really his friend either at this point. You are pretending to support his decision to work on his marriage but secretely hoping he fails. Worse you are on this board asking how you can manipulate this situation so that his marriage will fail faster and not make him mad at you.

 

Also you said that you have been dating this guy for six weeks. How old are you?

 

I'm confused about this too, as OP mentioned that she has known this man all her life.

[DebraChloe]

The more I talk to you guys, the more I see things clearly and am beginning to realize how I really feel.

 

I do want him to give a full fledged effort to his marriage and I don't want to be involved in their marriage. I don't want to be the reason they split. I do respect his decision to try to work it out - he is doing it for the right reasons.

 

I want to be a good friend of his, like I had intended to at the beginning of all of this. I can't do that if she is suspicious of something going on between us. He and I are over until he is a single man again -- then we may re-evaluate the situation and our feelings (if that ever happens.) Me befriending her is not to be cruel, but to ease her mind. I am not gonna make my moves on him while they are trying to work things out. I am a way better person than that.

 

My presence is not with the intent to sabotage. My presence is intended to provide friendship, comfort and support for him.

 

Since he decided to go back to try, I haven't talked to him unless he was not with her and I have never said anything that would get him in trouble with her. Once I am ready, I intend to continue to do the same.

 

I love him enough to let him go and do what he needs to do.

 

Yes, 6 weeks ago (everything happened pretty fast). I am a young adult (25+), not a teenager.

[DebraChloe]

We grew up together, but lost touch for 18 years and then reconnected 6 weeks ago and began dating.

 

At that time (6 weeks ago), he had been planning on leaving her for several months. He filed 3 days after I told him how I felt. Everything was going really, really well and then one day he told me he was having doubts. I have no idea why he changed his mind and he says neither does he. I have done nothing but try to be supportive. However, of course, my emotions are all over the place.

 

I want to handle this whole thing the right way. All I am asking is for is some help from you guys.

Edited October 18, 2010 by DebraChloe

[BB07]

The more I talk to you guys, the more I see things clearly and am beginning to realize how I really feel.

 

I do want him to give a full fledged effort to his marriage and I don't want to be involved in their marriage. I don't want to be the reason they split. I do respect his decision to try to work it out - he is doing it for the right reasons.

 

I want to be a good friend of his, like I had intended to at the beginning of all of this. I can't do that if she is suspicious of something going on between us. He and I are over until he is a single man again -- then we may re-evaluate the situation and our feelings (if that ever happens.) Me befriending her is not to be cruel, but to ease her mind. I am not gonna make my moves on him while they are trying to work things out. I am a way better person than that.

 

My presence is not with the intent to sabotage. My presence is intended to provide friendship, comfort and support for him.

 

Since he decided to go back to try, I haven't talked to him unless he was not with her and I have never said anything that would get him in trouble with her. Once I am ready, I intend to continue to do the same.

 

I love him enough to let him go and do what he needs to do.

 

Yes, 6 weeks ago (everything happened pretty fast). I am a young adult (25+), not a teenager.

 

 

This is gonna sound harsh, but it's delusional to think that you can be friends with someone who you are in love with especially with all the conflicted feelings that you and he have for each other.

 

You can't be present and allow him to work on his marriage, that is delusional also. It just isn't the way reality works and you need to accept this or you are gonna get sucked in deeper and the hurt is going to be worse. Also.........your motives about being his wife's friend.....on come on, don't make me put on my hip waders to wade through the bs on that one.

 

Tell him how you feel and then back off, not just part of the way off, but completely away. Do it for yourself and him.

[on a learning curve]

This is gonna sound harsh, but it's delusional to think that you can be friends with someone who you are in love with especially with all the conflicted feelings that you and he have for each other.

 

You can't be present and allow him to work on his marriage, that is delusional also. It just isn't the way reality works and you need to accept this or you are gonna get sucked in deeper and the hurt is going to be worse. Also.........your motives about being his wife's friend.....on come on, don't make me put on my hip waders to wade through the bs on that one.

 

Tell him how you feel and then back off, not just part of the way off, but completely away. Do it for yourself and him.

 

This is good advice, Debra.

[DebraChloe]

He knows how I feel about the whole thing. He knows I love him, he knows that I don't intend on waiting around for him, that I think he is doing the right thing and that I am very certain that it won't work out, despite how hard either of them will try.

 

I didn't realize that it would appear that me being friends with his wife was cruel. I REALLY REALLY didn't mean that. I just wanted to assure her that nothing was going happen between me and him, without telling her that something did happen.

 

I was just really hoping that I didn't have to completely let him go -- that there was some way I didn't have to completely lose him. I can back off my efforts of "getting him" and just be friends, but you guys seem to think that isn't healthy or something.

 

I am strong enough to handle a friendship with an ex and I am wise enough to take a break to heal from the break up.

[on a learning curve]

He knows how I feel about the whole thing. He knows I love him, he knows that I don't intend on waiting around for him, that I think he is doing the right thing and that I am very certain that it won't work out, despite how hard either of them will try.

 

I didn't realize that it would appear that me being friends with his wife was cruel. I REALLY REALLY didn't mean that. I just wanted to assure her that nothing was going happen between me and him, without telling her that something did happen.

 

I was just really hoping that I didn't have to completely let him go -- that there was some way I didn't have to completely lose him. I can back off my efforts of "getting him" and just be friends, but you guys seem to think that isn't healthy or something.

 

I am strong enough to handle a friendship with an ex and I am wise enough to take a break to heal from the break up.

 

Debra, of course it is cruel. Read your own words, here. Something "is" happening between the two of you. Think about it.

[DebraChloe]

Yea, the man loves me without a doubt and he's heart broken over this whole thing.

 

I don't want his wife to hate me or think that I ever tried to steal her husband. When I got him, he and I both thought he was done with his marriage. Something happened (neither of us really know what) and he realized he has to at least try again. I respect that.

 

I am not a horrible person. I am a really good person, trying to do that right thing.

[2sure]

We grew up together, but lost touch for 18 years and then reconnected 6 weeks ago and began dating.

 

After nearly 2 decades of NOT knowing each other, 6 weeks is not long at all. You may feel connected to him, but you dont really know him anymore.

 

Consider that during these 6 weeks he has filed for divorce...(not just thought about it but actually retained an attorney and filed...in 3 days) and then turned around and reconsidered it.

 

Even if he and his wife ultimately decide to divorce..its a long haul especially because children are involved. He does not sound as though he wants to divorce his wife and go into another relationship regardless of how he feels.

 

I think you might want to STRONGLY consider NOT befriending his wife as a way to stay in touch with him. That is just plainly kind of creepy.

 

If you want to step aside for a bit and at least wait until they decide to say married or not...that would be fine.

 

Has he told you that he would like to keep seeing you while he stays married?

[on a learning curve]

Yea, the man loves me without a doubt and he's heart broken over this whole thing.

 

I don't want his wife to hate me or think that I ever tried to steal her husband. When I got him, he and I both thought he was done with his marriage. Something happened (neither of us really know what) and he realized he has to at least try again. I respect that.

 

I am not a horrible person. I am a really good person, trying to do that right thing.

 

Well, if you respect that, and you want to do the right thing, befriending his wife seems the backwards thing to do. Just leave him alone, and if he loves you, he will decide he has finished trying to work on his marriage.

[DebraChloe]

Okay, I get it -- no more communication with his wife, period.

 

Yes, I understand that 18 years of not being in touch may have affected how well I know him, but not really. He is the same old person he always has been. Besides, we were pretty much in constant communication these last 6 weeks.

 

and like I've said several times, I am in no hurry to go into a relationship with him at all when and if he ever leaves her. This isn't about stealing him from her or anything like that.

 

He has let me make all the decisions about what happens between the two of us, from the beginning. We intended to be friends, but more developed. I am the one who called it off.

[alexandria35]

Yes, I understand that 18 years of not being in touch may have affected how well I know him, but not really. He is the same old person he always has been. Besides, we were pretty much in constant communication these last 6 weeks.

 

 

Lol....Debra you said that you are 25 and you went 18 years without seeing this person. That means you were children when you knew him before. How is he the same? Does he still play lego and pick his nose? lol...

 

Seriously you can't know this person the way you think you do. Six weeks is nothing in terms of developing a real relationship. This is an infatuation based on your fantasy of who you think he is.

 

By your own words you said that you were becoming friends with his wife as a means to get her to trust you and then you were planning to let the friendship go once this mission was accomplished. I know you are young but do you seriously not get what is wrong with that?

[Silly_Girl]

Lol....Debra you said that you are 25 and you went 18 years without seeing this person. That means you were children when you knew him before. How is he the same? Does he still play lego and pick his nose? lol...

 

Seriously you can't know this person the way you think you do. Six weeks is nothing in terms of developing a real relationship. This is an infatuation based on your fantasy of who you think he is.

 

By your own words you said that you were becoming friends with his wife as a means to get her to trust you and then you were planning to let the friendship go once this mission was accomplished. I know you are young but do you seriously not get what is wrong with that?

 

Good post. Debra, who have you talked to in real life about this? What feedback Have you had? I think you are getting very carried away. What is your relationship history? How is your life right now? How often do you see your guy and what sort of time do you spend together?

 

Asking lots because this really does seem like a massive crush and not a sincere, grounded relationship.