No longer attracted to husband

[w8in2xhale]

Hello All, I'm in desperate need of advice, or just a place to vent and 'let it out' . I'm in my early 30's, been married to this wonderful man for 3.5 years now, we dated for 2.5 years prior to that. We used to have a very strong chemistry, in the first few years, even at the beginning of the marriage, but for a (long) while it's been gone. And I blame myself as my husband tries show me his affection but I push him away and hate myself more and more each time. I think it all started when I got pregnant, we wanted a baby but the pregnancy was complicated, with a lot of tests, stress and a few hospital stays that resulted in a c-section prematurely. Baby was pretty sick and long in hospital, and it's been really tough, especially on me, I stopped working and devoted all myself to her and the hospital visits. She got better, we brought her home, but things didn't get any easier, she had some issues, I went through a full blown PPD, was taking antidepressants and seeing a therapist for close to a year. As for depression, I'm OK now, but feel burned out and tired and stressed with the taking care of my daughter and have no desire for sex at all. Husband keeps trying, I know it bugs him, keeps a 'good attitude' about it, I'm wondering how long?? In the last 1.5 year, we were intimate a few times, I don't even remember when there was last time . He works A LOT, especially last 2 months or so, crazy overtime, and we barely even spend time together, little one doesn't go to daycare and I'm so tired at the end of day, sleep is priority, what's worse, don't feel attracted to Husband anymore.. To the point of not even wanting to be touched. I don't know what to do, have no one to talk to, we can't really afford therapists now any more for a while, is there an 'easy fix'?? (I know there isn't). I don't know how much longer he'll try or even want to be around a cold bi*chy wife as I think of myself. I want us to go back to where we used to be, when we couldn't keep hands off each other.. But seems those times are long gone now ... Thanks for letting me get it off my chest..

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Does you husband have any benefits? Check closely the benefit booklet for any coverage for therapy or EAPs (Employee Assistance Programs). Check for local programs and google community services (i.e. woman's groups, The Y, Church.....). There are services available.

 

Have you apologized to your husband for your actions? Is it him, the ppd, the drugs, the stress????? You have to come to grips with it and talk to him and a professional. The fact you know this is an issue is a good start.

 

Good Luck.....

[Untouchable_Fire]

.. But seems those times are long gone now ... Thanks for letting me get it off my chest..

 

I'd work crazy overtime too if my wife put off my advances and was generally cold to me.

 

Those days are not long gone. If you want them... it won't take much to get them back... just stop doing all the dumb stuff your doing now.

 

It's a good sign in my opinion that your looking for help. It means you have not given up yet.

[Kendrick]

Sounds like you are still depressed, and the quilt you feel about how you feel towards your husband doesn't help I'm sure. Its good that you are seeking some kind of help though. It might benefit your husband as well to seek some help for himself, someone who can help shed some light to him as far as you dealing with depression and your feelings your feeling etc. All you can do is try.

[greengoddess]

It may help to get a babysitter a minimum of one night a week so you can help reconnect as a couple. You need to see him as your husband not just another responsibility. If he is working so much overtime I am going to assume he really does not help you at all with the baby and that too could cause a lot of resentment.

[ilovelife75]

Oh dear, you sound so sad and lost. First, there are LOTS of options for you as far as counseling, lots of sliding scales and free places, especially churches. Also, if there are any colleges around you, check out for social work and counseling degree programs and see if any students need any clients for their clinical internship programs (they need client face to face hours to graduate and they cannot charge any fee).

 

You are doing a great thing by searching for help. That is the first (and hardest usually) step in this process. You know what you are doing and how it is hurting. Now you just need finding the reason behind the why you are doing it.

 

Are you taking any antidepressants? Taking medication is not a sign of weakness. Would you consider an individual who had to take insulin as a weak person, because they have diabetes? No, its a disease. Just like what you have been through, sounds like your depression is because of the trauma you have been through with the birth of your child and her health, sounds so similar to post pardum depression or post traumatic stress disorder.

 

Has your husband done anything that would make you feel this resentment towards him? I know for me, I finally realized that I am great with people, until they make me angry, frustrated, or break my trust and then I never see them the same way. Example, I had this woman contact me and ask me to start a program for her agency, and I thought she was the greatest woman/agency ever. After working for her for a while, I realized how much I resented her for unreasonable expectations, and even when I tried to be polite to her, I would walk away rolling my eyes or feeling agitated. It wasn't until I sat down and looked back through my patterns that I understood this about myself.

 

Do something for him that he is not expecting. Write him a love note and put it somewhere for him to find (write it with a dry eraser marker on the bathroom mirror, put it in his shirt pocket for him to find at lunch or in his wallet or text or something like that). Even though you may feel that you do not want to take the first step in making a bad situation good (especially when you feel like you are the innocent party in the situation), you get the change you want in the other person by boosting their ego. When you change yourself, it causes change in the other person. And especially for men. When wives are able to boost their husbands ego, even when the wife doesn't really feel like boosting his ego because he is being a jack*#$%, it keeps the man happy and feeling powerful and their feelings of love for their wife increase. This is why mistresses are so successful in keeping married men involved, they boost the man's ego. They don't have to deal with the daily in and outs of a married man's life, the nagging, the arguements, the cleaning and cooking and laundry etc., the mistress just serves as the ego boost.

 

Good luck, and post here often. For the most part, there are some really wonderful people here.

[that girl]

I'd work crazy overtime too if my wife put off my advances and was generally cold to me.

 

 

Seriously Untouchable Fire? She isn't being a cold person, she is overwhelmed caring for a sick child and has depression.

 

OP- The issue obviously isn't attraction, you're too exhasted and stressed to have room for attraction.

 

You need to get some of this taken off your plate.

 

Can dh reduce his overtime now or in the near future?

 

Could you afford some form of daycare/babysitting? I'm guessing you can't, but one thing you might want to consider is getting a mother's helper. A mother's helper is a girl who comes to help out when the mother is home (like she plays games with a toddler so mom can cook, clean, take a shower, do some yoga). I used to do a lot of that between 12 and 15, working for stay at home moms who felt a little overwhelmed. It can be much cheaper that hiring an adult babysitter and there might be a responsible 13 or 14 year old in the neighborhood who would enjoy that kind of work. I have no idea what that kind of thing goes for now, but in my experience I made a little less than what minimium wage was as a mother's helper compared to double the minimium wage as a 20 year old babysitter.

 

I hope you are in therapy and taking medication.

 

You need to focus on giving yourself some space to heal before you can take care of your husband. Once you get a little space, I think you will naturally take more interest in him.

[tnttim]

You guys are missing a wealth of info just in this thread. Look at Fires response, that's a man's point of view, and probably your H's as well. Your H is thinking, damn I work all the time to provide for my family, I gave her a child, and a home and this is how she repays me by being cold. Meanwhile, you are being overwhelmed by raising a child and keeping the house a home. So both of you have the same argument, WHAT ABOUT ME?

 

Can you see how the combination of those selfish views of your roles in the household is causing conflict? You both need to step back and re-evaluate your life right now, or this vicious cycle will continue unchecked until one of you gives up completely and leaves.

 

Of course it was great in the beginning, it was new, fun, and exciting!! Can you honestly say that now?

 

My advice, try to find something new and exciting to do, either alone or together.

[that girl]

You guys are missing a wealth of info just in this thread. Look at Fires response, that's a man's point of view, and probably your H's as well. Your H is thinking, damn I work all the time to provide for my family, I gave her a child, and a home and this is how she repays me by being cold. Meanwhile, you are being overwhelmed by raising a child and keeping the house a home. So both of you have the same argument, WHAT ABOUT ME?

 

Can you see how the combination of those selfish views of your roles in the household is causing conflict? You both need to step back and re-evaluate your life right now, or this vicious cycle will continue unchecked until one of you gives up completely and leaves.

 

Of course it was great in the beginning, it was new, fun, and exciting!! Can you honestly say that now?

 

My advice, try to find something new and exciting to do, either alone or together.

 

She sounds completely at the end of her rope, exhasted and probably still slightly depressed.

 

If this was just a case of being bored, I'd agree that they should look for ways to bond and build common interests and that she should be trying to show her affection more.

 

But it sounds like she doesn't have the reserve of energy that would require. When someone is at the end of their rope like this, they need to find some space to take care of themself first before working on the bonding side. Otherwise, it just won't work.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

Got any family around?