Untouchable_Fire Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 A few weeks back I brought my GF home and introduced her to my parents. This weekend I'm again visiting my parents and went to see my mother at work. Mom had asked me to come down and that she had something she wanted to talk to me about. Turns out her friend from work wants to set me up on a date with her "hot" friend. WTF! I handled it jokingly and when my mom started to tell I was pissed she started talking about my best friend who is a pilot and recently single. I basically said I'm not on the market any longer. In my head I'm thinking "NO I don't want to date your skeezy a** whore friend, a travel nurse with a BF in every frickin city!!" :mad: Now... my Mom sent me a message later apologizing and saying it was her friends idea. I feel like it's a backhanded way of showing non-approval. My Mom loved the ex-GF... the cheat who pretty much robbed me for 15k. My Dad hated the exGF but never said anything cause he was willing to get past it for my sake. I can tell Dad likes the new GF. I'm really angry about this situation. I'm not sure if I should tell my GF about it. I want to... but I don't want her to feel my Mom doesn't like her. I can't tell if my Mom is being a jerk because my GF wasn't born here... or just can't say no to her friend. Both are possible given her personality.
theBrokenMuse Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I'm not sure if I should tell my GF about it. I want to... but I don't want her to feel my Mom doesn't like her. Seriously, don't do it. I've seen how it can ramp up anxiousness and tension. Totally not worth it, especially if you plan on visiting your parents with her on more than just occasional holidays and the like
JamesM Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 A couple of things..... It is wrong to assume that a traveling nurse would have a BF in every city. That is just plain wrong. Fact is...it is just as likely that this woman has few friends as she travels alot. While it may have been this friend's idea (according to your mom), I have no doubt that it was because your mother suggested it. It is not like traveling nurses are seeking out BFs in every city. Do not tell your GF if you want to keep her in the future. You are making an assumption that your mother does not like her. Your mother may simply have told you about this friend for other reasons. Remember that what you say now can come back and haunt you in the future. I speak from experience. Better to be silent.
Taramere Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I can't tell if my Mom is being a jerk because my GF wasn't born here... or just can't say no to her friend. Both are possible given her personality. I don't know. This is an odd occurrence I've noticed with various people over the years. Any time I've met a guy I liked, and gone on a date with him, there are friends who will suddenly step forward with news of men they would like to introduce me to. I'll think to myself "why now?" It's happened too often to be a coincidence. There are definitely people out there who will suddenly decide they want to steer you towards romance when you're doing quite nicely on your own. Yet when their interference would be quite welcome, because you're at a loose end, none is forthcoming. I have a feeling that people close to you can feel threatened by the prospective change that could arise from you meeting someone new, who you gel nicely with. I think that sometimes they will react by trying to step in and take some control over your love life. Not necessarily because they have anything against the person you've met...but simply because they want to exert that control in your life. Perhaps out of a combination of protectiveness towards you, and also meeting their own emotional needs to some extent. People are motivated by all kinds of things, and often I think they act instinctively rather than in some calculated "I want to keep some control over X's life, so here's what I'll do..." way. Anyway, it's just a theory that's occurred to me before when I've found myself in a similar situation.
yoga18 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I'm am a big NO NO on keeping secrets, I even believe that most omissions are lies. However, in several cases I feel that its ok to keep something from your partner examples 1. Your throwing her a party (keep all your secrets) 2. Your getting engaged (again keep it to yourself) 3. If she is pregnant and asks how she looks even if its her worst don't say it! 4. 4th if your situation comes up (keep it to yourself) 1st you have no idea if your mom really doesn't like her. It may have been a momentary laps in judgment. Although I feel it was a big one and I would feel hurt as well. You need to find out from your mom how she feels about your girl. (I like that you feel protective) does your mom know that your ex took you for 15k? If not that might change her clouded idea of your "wonderful" ex! If on the other hand your mom does know and still feels that way, I would say your mothers opinion shouldn't even really be considered (no disrespect to mom) but come on someone takes my clild for that! No f'in way! IF you tell your girlfriend a few things are going to happen. First she is going to be very hurt, play every moment of her family meet and greet in her head to figure out what she did wrong. She is going to get really upset when she discovers that she was nothing short of amazing and kind. Although it might not be seen tiny cracks will then appear in this new relationship between your mom and your SO. Your SO may try to keep you from seeing your mom often ( I wouldn't want someone chirping in my boyfriends ear negative crap) or she will go above and beyond to prove to your mom why she is the best most perfect fit for you. So great she gets to be crazed when mom comes into town on what to where, hair up or down, too much makeup/not enough make up, nails done, manners all in order and checked, house spotless, wait on mommy and you hand and foot, make sure your taken care of, great home cooked meals the list is endless my friend all while she sits and wonders "does she still hate me? Sh*t she looked at me funny what did I do, OMG I overcooked the roast.....you seem happy let your mom know your very happy and that your in a committed healthy relationship so unless asked plz don't offer anymore matchmaking offers. I would also tell her "you know mom even if your heart was in the right place it might really upset (insert name) if she were to find out that you were trying to set me up with someone else" igood luck
JamesM Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 It is one thing to tell your GF that "Mom has this friend she tried to set me up with, but I told her I am not interested." It is another things to tell her the above and add...."I think it is because she doesn't like you." Since you really don't know why, then telling your GF and saying that you don't know why would be best...if you feel you need to tell her. How you say it could mean the difference between having a mother and gf/wife who do like each other versus having wife/mother problems for many years to come. Women don't forget things like this.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted October 18, 2010 Author Posted October 18, 2010 It is wrong to assume that a traveling nurse would have a BF in every city. That is just plain wrong. Fact is...it is just as likely that this woman has few friends as she travels alot. Oh... I don't care what this woman is like. It could be Megan Fox with the hots for me... I could care less. I don't know. This is an odd occurrence I've noticed with various people over the years. Any time I've met a guy I liked, and gone on a date with him, there are friends who will suddenly step forward with news of men they would like to introduce me to. I'll think to myself "why now?" I never lack for dates, so I've always avoided having someone set me up. A work colleague wanted to set me up with her roommate when I first became single.... but I was already dating 4 women at the time and didn't have time for another. 1st you have no idea if your mom really doesn't like her. It may have been a momentary laps in judgment. Although I feel it was a big one and I would feel hurt as well. You need to find out from your mom how she feels about your girl. (I like that you feel protective) does your mom know that your ex took you for 15k? If not that might change her clouded idea of your "wonderful" ex! If on the other hand your mom does know and still feels that way, I would say your mothers opinion shouldn't even really be considered (no disrespect to mom) but come on someone takes my clild for that! No f'in way! IF you tell your girlfriend a few things are going to happen. First she is going to be very hurt, play every moment of her family meet and greet in her head to figure out what she did wrong. She is going to get really upset when she discovers that she was nothing short of amazing and kind. Although it might not be seen tiny cracks will then appear in this new relationship between your mom and your SO. Your SO may try to keep you from seeing your mom often ( I wouldn't want someone chirping in my boyfriends ear negative crap) or she will go above and beyond to prove to your mom why she is the best most perfect fit for you. So great she gets to be crazed when mom comes into town on what to where, hair up or down, too much makeup/not enough make up, nails done, manners all in order and checked, house spotless, wait on mommy and you hand and foot, make sure your taken care of, great home cooked meals the list is endless my friend all while she sits and wonders "does she still hate me? Sh*t she looked at me funny what did I do, OMG I overcooked the roast.....you seem happy let your mom know your very happy and that your in a committed healthy relationship so unless asked plz don't offer anymore matchmaking offers. I would also tell her "you know mom even if your heart was in the right place it might really upset (insert name) if she were to find out that you were trying to set me up with someone else" igood luck Yoga, After reading your argument... I agree. Nothing good would ever come of talking about this incident. It would create an issue and hard feelings that may never go away. I've thought about it several times just recently, and really my GF was amazing when meeting my parents. She was respectful, kind, polite, energetic/bubbly, witty, charming, beautiful... seriously I could go on forever. Bottom line... Not her fault.
stillafool Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I'm really angry about this situation. I'm not sure if I should tell my GF about it. I want to... but I don't want her to feel my Mom doesn't like her. I can't tell if my Mom is being a jerk because my GF wasn't born here... or just can't say no to her friend. Both are possible given her personality. No! Do not tell your gf about it. There's no need for both of them to stop liking each other. Your mom probably doesn't approve or maybe she didn't think you were that serious about this girl and that's why she tried to fix you up. It's time to sit your Mom down and have a chat about your new relationship.
carhill Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 'Mom, xxx is my girlfriend. We love each other. I'm not interested in being with or dating anyone else' This is the boundary. 'Now, how do you feel about xxx?' Listen. What happens next depends on what you hear. Accept it. Your mother is a woman. She has all the perceptions, perspectives and tools (don't forget the tools) that any woman has. She's not 'different' because she's your mother. It sounds to me like you need to have the 'man' talk with her. You're a man now. To her, you will always be her child. Balance must occur for there to be health. Your GF will be unaware that *any* of this has occurred. Good luck
tami-chan Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 NO, do not tell your gf about it. Your mom had time to think/plan this, so this was not something that was random and spontaneous. She most likely disapproves of your gf and even though she apologized she has refused ownership of the gaff-she is blaming her friend. Do what Carhill suggested.
Author Untouchable_Fire Posted October 18, 2010 Author Posted October 18, 2010 Your mother is a woman. She has all the perceptions, perspectives and tools (don't forget the tools) that any woman has. She's not 'different' because she's your mother. It sounds to me like you need to have the 'man' talk with her. You're a man now. To her, you will always be her child. Balance must occur for there to be health. She is my mother. I owe her a huge amount of respect and honor. I can't just come down and chew her a$$ like I would someone else. Actually.... anyone else would get a brand new orifice for pulling something like this. As it stands I'm going to have to just politely tell her that this made me uncomfortable and it makes me feel she does not approve of my GF. That I've made my choice and will stand by it. - This is actually the best GF I've ever had in almost all categories.
carhill Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Hey, no worries, just any only son sharing his perspective on how he handled the mother he loved, respected, honored and cared for in her final years. I personally don't feel anything I suggested that you say is 'chewing her ass'. To me, it's about respect. You're a man now. You're assisting her in establishing clearly in her mind that you are a man, even though emotionally you will always be her baby. To me, it's about *you*. Your GF, while obviously very dear to you, is interchangeable in this dynamic. Once things are resolved with mom, my bet is the entire dynamic will shift.
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