TomerT Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Hi, I would like to open a discussion here and listen to different opinions. Pretty common scenario - you and your girlfriend love each other, everything looks perfect. One day (with no apparent reason) your girlfriend break up with you. Let's make it more interesting - may be even not in very nice way, but not because she is a bad person and wants to hurt you on purpose, may be she just doesn't know how to do it differenly... Anyway, after you she dates someone new (or old - doesn't matter for the sake of discussion) they break up, and say after few weeks (or months) she is comming back to you ans asking for a second chance, telling that only now she understand what she might lose. Now, reading many threads most of reactions would be "you don't want to be her plan B", "you will become her doormat", "she dumped you, do't you have self respect"....things like this Now, ussually before you start date someone she already had some history, we (guys) know that and nevertheless agree to be her plan C, D, E, etc... (depends on the history) If you think about it - we almost always someone plan C, D, E, etc... and our partners (and even future spouse) most likely also our plans C, D, E... So, what's wrong if she realized her mistake and come back ? Why our "self-respect" does not allow us to be someone plan B (if at the beginning we could be her plan E) ? I hope I make myself clear...
Don Ho Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Wow that's some nice rationalizing!! The fact is she DID dump you for whatever reason. So now you're willing to accept being 2nd best? I wouldn't. As the current wisdom goes: you get once chance per woman per lifetime. That's true 99% of the time and unless there's been a serious issue in your relationship like physical or mental abuse, substance use, miscarriage, death of a child, you are not in the 1%.
alwayshoping Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Hey! I like what your saying and if you love her enough then yep plan b is fine. The only problem is, if she left you once then she may leave you twice. Also, the girl you fall in love with should love you so much that she wouldn't leave you for a second. Being plan b is fine and dandy but there is a girl/guy out there for all of us who would never ever leave us, because there love is so strong, and because it would shatter their heart. Kinda like how we all feel now. They say your lover feels your pain when they love you with all their heart. Well, if that's true then the people that have dumped us don't truly love us, as they would be feeling our pain too. Clearly months of nc on their behalf proves this to be true x
carhill Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Balance would dictate an equal relationship could only occur after you had healed from being dumped/broken up with, had dated other women and had resolved your prior feelings for her. You didn't get a second chance with her when wanted it, so it necessarily healthy that she won't get one with you. However, you each can, after time, get a *new* chance with each other. Her perspective may differ. If so, in this case, that's what we in the marriage business call irreconcilable differences. Enjoy
Don Ho Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Hey! I like what your saying and if you love her enough then yep plan b is fine. The only problem is, if she left you once then she may leave you twice. Also, the girl you fall in love with should love you so much that she wouldn't leave you for a second. Being plan b is fine and dandy but there is a girl/guy out there for all of us who would never ever leave us, because there love is so strong, and because it would shatter their heart. Kinda like how we all feel now. They say your lover feels your pain when they love you with all their heart. Well, if that's true then the people that have dumped us don't truly love us, as they would be feeling our pain too. Clearly months of nc on their behalf proves this to be true x WTF? You say it's fine then go on to explain why it isn't fine. Why would you encourage him? Plan B is bad. You will get dumped and/or burned again.
alwayshoping Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Sorry I didn't mean it to encourage him. I mearly meant that if you are in love with someone then you would give them a 2nd chance no matter what. Then I tried to explain why it's bad! Sorry if I gave the impression I was trying to encourage him!
Don Ho Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 if you are in love with someone then you would give them a 2nd chance no matter what. I think you're confused on this issue. Your type of thinking is the problem.... Dumpees think this way and then instead of moving on (as they should do) they continue their hope and also their misery with a situation that is not going to work. You can't make someone love you nor take you back NO MATTER how much YOU love them. It's always how THEY feel about YOU, not the other way around. Like I said earlier, "unless there's been a serious issue in your relationship like physical or mental abuse, substance use, miscarriage, death of a child" it is not going to work. The OP does not fall into this category. No offense, I just think your response is a little naive and "romantic". It's not good advice for Dumpees that are struggling and trying to move on.
fabio10 Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Agree with Don but I also think that if one or both parties are young when the original relationship broke apart it may put the situation in the 1% !
Woggle Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Next time she meets somebody else that turns her on the cycle will repeat.
TLCbear Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 (edited) So, what's wrong if she realized her mistake and come back ? Why our "self-respect" does not allow us to be someone plan B (if at the beginning we could be her plan E) ? I hope I make myself clear... It's all about how you do things. Ever heard the saying: "It's not what you say but how you say it?" That's my thing. If someone ended a relationship with me and was honest on why they wanted to end the relationship, such as wanting to date other people or going through family or personal issues, then I have no problem giving them another chance (if they treated me good in the relationship). However, if you just dump me without giving a reason, just stopped all contact, or left me for someone else, I don't think so. It's all about common courtesy and respect. If you love someone, you should respect them, and have some type of decency....for this is why my self respect and pride would not allow me to become someone's plan B. I don't have time for the "grass is greener" sydrome. Edited October 19, 2010 by TLCbear
Don Ho Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Agree with Don but I also think that if one or both parties are young when the original relationship broke apart it may put the situation in the 1% ! No. But nice try. Like I've said, unless there's substance, physical, mental abuse, or death of a child, sibling or something VERY significant, he's not in the 1% club. Being young doesn't qualify. Maybe in TEN years (or more) when younger couples are more mature, they might find themselves back together.
Gt.ooh Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Don Ho, I wish u could come up to Canada and knock some sense into me LMAO. I like your advice, if I may ask...tell or not tell. what's your story? I'm curious as to how you moved on and have the mindset your are currently applying to LS..?
Don Ho Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 (edited) Don Ho, I wish u could come up to Canada and knock some sense into me LMAO. I like your advice, if I may ask...tell or not tell. what's your story? I'm curious as to how you moved on and have the mindset your are currently applying to LS..? Oh, I'm sure I can knock plenty of sense into you from right here! My story? Lots of relationships over the years so I've learned a little that I try to share with others that will hopefully ease their pain or get them back on track again. Time is probably the best way to move on. No contact helps you get there faster and stops you from continuing your misery. That and exercising, socializing and staying very busy. It never hurts to have people of the opposite sex interested in you or dating you either. I dated a gal back in May for a few months that I (thought) I really hit it off with. Long story short, she dumped me after a few months. Then this other gal kind of dropped in my lap that same week and I've been seeing her since. After getting dumped I rejoined LS after a hiatus of several years. I went through many of the same emotions and issues that others are going through now. At this point, I try to be helpful to others. My mindset? Well, I don't have my insides falling out like so many here, so I'm able to look at things from the outside more clearly and objectively. Reading Doc Love, DeAngelo, listening to Tom Lykis and others, despite their sometimes very frank advice, over many years has helped me keep things clear. I appreciate the props. Now I have to go look up your threads to make sure you're not acting like a pussy! Edited October 20, 2010 by Don Ho
Gt.ooh Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 Oh, I'm sure I can knock plenty of sense into you from right here! My story? Lots of relationships over the years so I've learned a little that I try to share with others that will hopefully ease their pain or get them back on track again. Time is probably the best way to move on. No contact helps you get there faster and stops you from continuing your misery. That and exercising, socializing and staying very busy. It never hurts to have people of the opposite sex interested in you or dating you either. I dated a gal back in May for a few months that I (thought) I really hit it off with. Long story short, she dumped me after a few months. Then this other gal kind of dropped in my lap that same week and I've been seeing her since. After getting dumped I rejoined LS after a hiatus of several years. I went through many of the same emotions and issues that others are going through now. At this point, I try to be helpful to others. My mindset? Well, I don't have my insides falling out like so many here, so I'm able to look at things from the outside more clearly and objectively. Reading Doc Love, DeAngelo, listening to Tom Lykis and others, despite their sometimes very frank advice, over many years has helped me keep things clear. I appreciate the props. Now I have to go look up your threads to make sure you're not acting like a pussy! AHaha, well I'll save you the trouble and say that you'll come to the conclusion of exactly that. I'm a pussy, BUT...I'm transitioning now.Starting with the gym, workin on my muscle car and going to hang with my cousin who has access to many many women..
Cuchara2 Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 The problem is that she's basically just gone and found someone else and realised that it isn't the same. This means that she left you looking for something better, realised she couldn't find it and then came back to you. What happens when she does find that better person? She goes around and ****s other people, and you're just waiting there to be her doorstep. She's crushed you and is now coming back. Would you seem pathetic? Yes.
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