boyamiembarrassed Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Hey everyone, I'm a little distraught right now and I need help. I tried to be brief, but it still ended up a little long, so I appreciate your taking the time to read it. I had a date this Friday that did not go well. We had plans to see a show, but the day of she let me know that she felt tired and just wanted to chill at my place. In other words, she came over to my house to have sex for the first time with me. And I completely ****ed it up. I couldn't get/keep it up the whole night, but also I was just bad overall, distracted and not very passionate, doing everything wrong, and taking it very hard. We're not exclusive, and although I don't remember what the conversation was that caused her to say this, she made a point of reiterating that last night. And this is a wonderful girl, for whom the entire world is willing to become a pair of pursed lips, waiting for its moment to kiss her. So when I couldn't perform, it made me feel even worse, and also like I had something to lose, and that I was in the middle of losing it, literally and figuratively. We've only been on 7 or so dates, and so to feel something like that really complicates something that is not ready to be complicated. Some bad moments: after I did a horrible job of eating her out (I checked out mentally and I know it was bad), and then after not getting erect, we were sitting on my couch eating (food ), and I noticed that she had bandages on her knees. I asked her what happened, and she smiled and said "You don't want to know." I was very curious at that point (oops) and asked again, and so I deserved to be burned by the answer. She said: "rugburn." At that point, my ego broke in half, as I my imagination was filled with images of her getting seriously intimate with another man who could give her such a sexy injury. And at the end of the night, lying in bed, right before falling asleep, she asked me if I was attracted to her. That broke my heart. All I wanted to do that night was make her feel as attractive as she is to me, but I just lost control in my own doubt and felt very seriously that I had ruined the night, and I never recovered. She saw me at a very low point that night. I think I can be charming, creative, and romantic, but after a night like that, I don't know how I can salvage this when it's still just so fragile, and I feel so discouraged. I am going to a spa on Tuesday and I invited her to come, and she agreed. I will have an opportunity to speak to her, but I have no idea what to say. I feel like I should communicate some of these things to her, but I don't want to douse any fire we have left between us by laying on my guilt, anger, fear, shame, etc. I am even shameful that I had those feelings, and that I showed them to her that night. We're not in a relationship. I don't know if it makes sense to bare my soul, it would just weigh everything down. Especially when part of me knows that a good portion of these feelings are irrational. That was the whole point -- I took that night and myself way to seriously, and instead of just enjoying her, I went off into my head and it tanked miserably. And I was so caught up with trying to please her that I became fanatic, and I maybe forgot that I deserved to have her, and overall my self-esteem has taken a serious hit. And part of me this whole time has felt like the man, the seductor, in control and with experience and a plan, and I've felt that fantasy be completely demolished. I don't even feel like I can flirt with her now, because it feels like a lie after I couldn't have sex with her. But I should end with some hopefully good things: she matter-of-factly, without any seeming judgment, asked me if I wanted her to leave (!!! failure), but I made sure she spent the night. I tried to make her feel as appreciated as I could, even though I felt so bad. I held her, and we kissed, throughout the night and into the morning. This weekend I was away, but we had some light texting that was similar to what we were doing before. I just want to know how I can take this plane up from a tailspin, how I can move us forward without making it worse. Tuesday is, it seems, the moment to take it back. I could also simply walk away and avoid further embarrassment, but that feels more like running away to me. Cowardice, and it would probably hurt her more, too. If it can't work, it can't, but I feel I must do something before I throw in the towel out of shame. If it gives you perspective: I'm 23 and she's 19. We're both not virgins and we've both had relationships. Although I've had little flings here and there, last night was my first time going as far "having sex" (heh) in 2-3 years. Thank you for reading.
Titania22 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Everyone has bad days. She has agreed to see you again, so she probably still likes you. It's is also possible that she feels insecure too, like it only happened because of something she did wrong. I advise you to try to get a copy of an episode of the british tv show Coupling. The episode is called 'the melty man'. It's hilarious and about exactly this. In the episode the reason for the problem was caused by the fact that the guy really cared about the girl, the way you seem to care about this girl. By watching it (with her), you can both have a big laugh, and ease all the tension and pressure. It's just a suggestion, but I thought the characters can say all the things to each other, and save the two of you from doing it. You never know, it might spark a really honest conversation, that will lead to natural intimacy. Whether or not it lead to sex that night, you would be a lot closer to each other. Hope this helps.
Surrealist Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Sounds like you suffered from an acute bout of the heebie jeebies - I dont even know what that is. What I was gonna ask was your age and if you have had any erectile problems in the past. But at 23 you should bouncing off the walls! I think you need to relax and not feel pressured to perform, it can be difficult to do soif you feel under pressure. Failing that you could always try Cialis. It seems you manage to communicate your appreciation to her pretty well, evidenced by her willingness to return. Cos I was gonna suggest you kiss, caress and cuddle her to help support your verbal communication, which appears you did. Yeah so next time, hopefully just make a time you feel relaxed and maybe engage some more foreplay and such prior.
Author boyamiembarrassed Posted October 18, 2010 Author Posted October 18, 2010 Thanks you guys. You made me feel a lot better. I decided the best approach is to be lighthearted about the whole thing. Last night, all sorts of doomsday scenarios about rejection, incompatibility, different life goals, etc. went through my head, but now I feel instead that I was worked myself over for nothing. It's really not the end of the world, and my feelings are the same, and I'm just as attractive and passionate now as I was before. In other words, my mindset is beginning to go back to where it has been while I've been dating her, which is really a good thing. Failing that you could always try Cialis. Funny thing: I visited my dad this weekend and told him about what happened. He didn't have too much in the way of advice for me, but he did have one thing. He,eh, give me some of his Cialis. Alright Dad! Way to come through!
zerovandez Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 This happened to me at least once with every girl after my ex girlfriend. Honestly, most of the women didn't care because they liked me enough to give a second chance. During that 2nd chance, you will not fail. At least I didn't. Just relax. Good luck!
Star Gazer Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 It's one thing to have awkward first sex (incredibly common), but it's quite another to be SO checked out during the process (how do you check out when giving oral to her? ) that she actually thinks you want her to leave. Honestly, I'm not sure how you can recover from this other than borderline smothering her with attention and affection and being able to perform next time.
tami-chan Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Thanks you guys. You made me feel a lot better. I decided the best approach is to be lighthearted about the whole thing. Last night, all sorts of doomsday scenarios about rejection, incompatibility, different life goals, etc. went through my head, but now I feel instead that I was worked myself over for nothing. It's really not the end of the world, and my feelings are the same, and I'm just as attractive and passionate now as I was before. In other words, my mindset is beginning to go back to where it has been while I've been dating her, which is really a good thing. Funny thing: I visited my dad this weekend and told him about what happened. He didn't have too much in the way of advice for me, but he did have one thing. He,eh, give me some of his Cialis. Alright Dad! Way to come through! Yay for Dad!!!! Seriously, OP. I think it happens more than many would own up to it. So relax, try it again. You sound like a really cool guy.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 You poor guy! If we all get anxiety during sex, none of us would come! Anyways, the next time you do have sex again, let go of all your insecurities and go wild. There's no sense making anything worse when having sex is to enjoy yourself inside of her. Also, if you rub her just right, she'll be screaming with pleasure. May I recommend lots of foreplay, and definitely do not forget the KY.
sanskrit Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 This happened to me at least once with every girl after my ex girlfriend. Honestly, most of the women didn't care because they liked me enough to give a second chance. During that 2nd chance, you will not fail. At least I didn't. Just relax. Good luck! Yes, do not worry about this OP, happens to everyone. I am very sensitive to alcohol in that respect, maybe you are also. Another possibility is to control the pace and skip oral sex until you have had missionary sex a few times. Another tip is that women may start looking and acting ready before they are peaking ready, and starting before that peak point is not optimal for either person. You will keep an erection much easier if she is fully lubricated. Slow things way down and you can change first sex from awkward to mutual climax, which opens the door for a good round two after the refractory period.
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