TomerT Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Hi, I would like to open a discussion here and listen to different opinions. Pretty common scenario - you and your girlfriend love each other, everything looks perfect. One day (with no apparent reason) your girlfriend break up with you. Let's make it more interesting - may be even not in very nice way, but not because she is a bad person and wants to hurt you on purpose, may be she just doesn't know how to do it differenly... Anyway, after you she dates someone new (or old - doesn't matter for the sake of discussion) they break up, and say after few weeks (or months) she is comming back to you ans asking for a second chance, telling that only now she understand what she might lose. Now, reading many threads most of reactions would be "you don't want to be her plan B", "you will become her doormat", "she dumped you, do't you have self respect"....things like this Now, ussually before you start date someone she already had some history, we (guys) know that and nevertheless agree to be her plan C, D, E, etc... (depends on the history) If you think about it - we almost always someone plan C, D, E, etc... and our partners (and even future spouse) most likely also our plans C, D, E... So, what's wrong if she realized her mistake and come back ? Why our "self-respect" does not allow us to be someone plan B (if at the beginning we could be her plan E) ? I hope I made myself clear...
Oscar Wilde Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Hi TomerT, an interesting question to ask. The answer, for me, is easy: because she or he is going to leave you in the future, meanwhile you're her/his doormant until your mate finds another person to try with. Also, for me the reason #1, is that one deserves a respect, and by being plan 'B' you lose it. Bests regards, Oscar.
Author TomerT Posted October 18, 2010 Author Posted October 18, 2010 The answer, for me, is easy: because she or he is going to leave you in the future, meanwhile you're her/his doormant until your mate finds another person to try with. Also, for me the reason #1, is that one deserves a respect, and by being plan 'B' you lose it.Oscar. May be I am naive, but how can you be so sure that you will be left in the future ? If she realized her mistake, while she will want to make it again ? We all human and make mistakes, question, I think how we handle the consequences. In order to be forgiven we shall also to forgive, no ?
Oscar Wilde Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 (edited) You cannot be sure, but it did in the past, right? It's not a matter of forgive her msitake, but a matter of trust. Do you trust her/him? Can you make sure you both can solve the problem that lead to a breakup? Bests regards, Oscar. Edited October 18, 2010 by Oscar Wilde
collegeguy_24 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Hi, I would like to open a discussion here and listen to different opinions. Pretty common scenario - you and your girlfriend love each other, everything looks perfect. One day (with no apparent reason) your girlfriend break up with you. Let's make it more interesting - may be even not in very nice way, but not because she is a bad person and wants to hurt you on purpose, may be she just doesn't know how to do it differenly... Anyway, after you she dates someone new (or old - doesn't matter for the sake of discussion) they break up, and say after few weeks (or months) she is comming back to you ans asking for a second chance, telling that only now she understand what she might lose. Now, reading many threads most of reactions would be "you don't want to be her plan B", "you will become her doormat", "she dumped you, do't you have self respect"....things like this Now, ussually before you start date someone she already had some history, we (guys) know that and nevertheless agree to be her plan C, D, E, etc... (depends on the history) If you think about it - we almost always someone plan C, D, E, etc... and our partners (and even future spouse) most likely also our plans C, D, E... So, what's wrong if she realized her mistake and come back ? Why our "self-respect" does not allow us to be someone plan B (if at the beginning we could be her plan E) ? I hope I made myself clear... Personally, the part in bold sounds exactly like my life. But if my ex, Jen, came back, I would give her another chance. I think its worth the risk and I say go for it. I read a story on here once, this guy said his GF left him for several months, then she came back realizing what she lost, asked for another chance, he gave it to her. Now they've been married for 43 years. So there is proof that it can happen. In my own shoes, I would say yes, I would be her Plan B, though when we started dating I was already her Plan E and she was my Plan B. If I go by your numbering system.
freeshrink Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Maintaining a constant Plan B status or weekly contact with an Ex as a "special friend" is useless and counterproductive when the Ex is dating someone else. Show some dignity, mourn the breakup for a few months, and start dating others yourself. Engage in No Contact or extremely limited contact, such as Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, and GroundHog Day. I realize that the No Contact police on Love Shack are going to grill me on my Limited Contact angle, but I am convinced that SOMETIMES, the grass is not always greener for both the dumper and the dumpee. Consequently, reconciliation is possible. The problem is that the plan B becomes a plan A for usually a very short time during second chances. Reason. No one has reinvented themself, the mystery has faded, and not enough time has passed for old wounds to heal. The dumper must catapult the Plan B dumpee to Plan Double "AA" status quick. In other words, I question the "take it slow" approach of reconciliation attempts. Move the relationship forward, and demand action from the dumper to firm up the commitment. The dumper must be bold and must beg. Yes I wrote beg. Otherwise, the dumper is merely looking for a temporary ego boost with the plan B while they search for another plan A, and the dumpee is relegated to walking on egg shells for fear of abandonment. The Ground Hog will certainly see his shadow and springtime will never come for the plan B.
Author TomerT Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 Maintaining a constant Plan B status or weekly contact with an Ex as a "special friend" is useless and counterproductive when the Ex is dating someone else. Agree. What I've meant, is what id during this NC, your X coming back to you. Still she considered you as "B" until she broke with her "A" but I am convinced that SOMETIMES, the grass is not always greener for both the dumper and the dumpee. Let me fix you - not "sometimes", but "always" ! (assuming again that the relationship were "normal", without abuse, cheating, disrespect, etc.) Move the relationship forward, and demand action from the dumper to firm up the commitment. The dumper must be bold and must beg. Yes I wrote beg. Thanks for the words of wisdom, the only thing that I think that the dumpee does NOT have to demand anything. This should come from a dumper, if he really truly want to fix something. Amn't I right ? Or is it too much to ask ?
selena_cat Posted October 21, 2010 Posted October 21, 2010 Maintaining a constant Plan B status or weekly contact with an Ex as a "special friend" is useless and counterproductive when the Ex is dating someone else. Show some dignity, mourn the breakup for a few months, and start dating others yourself. Engage in No Contact or extremely limited contact, such as Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, and GroundHog Day. I realize that the No Contact police on Love Shack are going to grill me on my Limited Contact angle, but I am convinced that SOMETIMES, the grass is not always greener for both the dumper and the dumpee. Consequently, reconciliation is possible. The problem is that the plan B becomes a plan A for usually a very short time during second chances. Reason. No one has reinvented themself, the mystery has faded, and not enough time has passed for old wounds to heal. The dumper must catapult the Plan B dumpee to Plan Double "AA" status quick. In other words, I question the "take it slow" approach of reconciliation attempts. Move the relationship forward, and demand action from the dumper to firm up the commitment. The dumper must be bold and must beg. Yes I wrote beg. Otherwise, the dumper is merely looking for a temporary ego boost with the plan B while they search for another plan A, and the dumpee is relegated to walking on egg shells for fear of abandonment. The Ground Hog will certainly see his shadow and springtime will never come for the plan B. Wonderful wording and answer,especially about the Groundhog,if only we cn learn from that li'l creature
Jayerjay Posted October 22, 2010 Posted October 22, 2010 For me, I do think second chances like this are possible and that a person can realize their mistake and change for the better; however, just her coming back and saying "I made a huge mistake!" doesn't cut it. She'd better have a damn good explanation of why she left, what she came to realize over time, and what is going to be different in the new relationship. If she works hard enough at it, then give her a chance and slowly ease back into it by dating a bit. That's my take... I am biased though, because I was trying to win back a second chance with my ex girlfriend when I realized what a mistake I made.
Author TomerT Posted October 22, 2010 Author Posted October 22, 2010 For me, I do think second chances like this are possible and that a person can realize their mistake and change for the better; however, just her coming back and saying "I made a huge mistake!" doesn't cut it. She'd better have a damn good explanation of why she left, what she came to realize over time, and what is going to be different in the new relationship. If she works hard enough at it, then give her a chance and slowly ease back into it by dating a bit. That's my take... I am biased though, because I was trying to win back a second chance with my ex girlfriend when I realized what a mistake I made. Agree, I also tend toward this point of view. But what if, you already started to see someone ? Also what do you mean by "works hard enough" ? Sex 3 times a day every day ? Kidding...but seriously...what she may do in order to convince you that she learned her lesson and will not dump you again ?
freeshrink Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 She'd better have a damn good explanation of why she left, what she came to realize over time, and what is going to be different in the new relationship. This is a fantastic pearl of wisdom. Absolutely brilliant. The success of Second chances hinge on these 3 points. She must change, but can she??????????????????
Don Ho Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 Tomer, why are you going on and on about this and still hoping she's coming back. You Ex has made NO suggestion that she's coming back or wanting to be with you. Sorry Bro, but you are living in fantasy land. To the other LS Members on this thread, don't encourage him with talk of a second chance, you're just giving him false hope and that keeps him from accepting reality and moving on.
USMCHokie Posted October 24, 2010 Posted October 24, 2010 ...she is comming back to you ans asking for a second chance, telling that only now she understand what she might lose... That's not my problem...and there is no "might" here...she already lost me when she left...
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