Ex makes contact after many many years

[alittlejaded]

He broke up with me after several years together. We went with absolute NC for over a decade. Recent contact with him has been extremely overwhelming (first love), but come to find out he has a serious girlfriend.

 

For those of you wishing for your ex to return, please take warning. It is an emotional roller coaster you might not want to ride. Even after all this time, emotions come flooding back as if they never left, and the old wounds open right back up. I put myself right back to square one. I wish I could feel indifferent. I wish he never would have contacted me.

 

For those of you thinking about contacting an ex you dumped, please think twice. Unless you are serious about reconciliation and are willing to do what it takes, it is just plain cruel to play with someone's emotions, even if you think you have no ill intentions. If you truly care about this person, you need to let them heal without you. It is difficult to move on with an ex looming in the background. Perhaps it has to be all or nothing.

[Leandro]

Why did he contact you after a decade of NC?

[Angel1111]

Man, that really stinks. I'm pretty sure that my feelings for anyone who dumped me would be dead and gone long before 10 yrs. I'm sorry this resurrected all those feelings again.

 

So if he has a gf, why was he contacting you?

[skydiveaddict]

 

For those of you thinking about contacting an ex you dumped, please think twice. Unless you are serious about reconciliation and are willing to do what it takes, it is just plain cruel to play with someone's emotions, even if you think you have no ill intentions. If you truly care about this person, you need to let them heal without you. It is difficult to move on with an ex looming in the background. Perhaps it has to be all or nothing.

 

 

Be advised, dumpers don't care about your feelings and never will. The only reasons they contact you are to relieve guilt or INTENTIONALLY hurt you. It is NEVER by accident or misplaced feelings. Look at your own situation. He contacted you to make sure you knew about his new gf. Do you really think he had no ill intentions? Not likely. He wanted to make you feel bad and he got the job done.

Edited October 18, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[Am4Real]

He broke up with me after several years together. We went with absolute NC for over a decade. Recent contact with him has been extremely overwhelming (first love), but come to find out he has a serious girlfriend.

 

 

More than likely he was reminiscing about you and wondering what you are doing and perhaps who was in your life after all those years. I doubt he intentionally meant to hurt you nor did he think you would “not have moved on”; it’s probably a simple matter of curiosity mixed with some contrast with his current girlfriend.

 

It was dumb and selfish of him to grab your personal self; however in the conversation did he state why he contacted you? How did the conversation end? Is it possible he will repeat these contacts again or was it made clear to him these advancements are not wanted or appreciated?

[Angel1111]

Be advised, dumpers don't care about your feelings and never will. The only reasons they contact you are to relieve guilt or INTENTIONALLY hurt you. It is NEVER by accident or misplaced feelings. Look at your own situation. He contacted you to make sure you knew about his new gf. Do you really think he had no ill intentions? Not likely. He wanted to make you feel bad and he got the job done.

 

This is kind of a blanket statement that I find mildly offensive. I could be labeled a dumper several times but I was always conscious about how I treated them during the break up and long after. I'm not much of a blamer, sometimes things just don't work out. I guess my point is that just because someone ends a relationship with another person doesn't automatically make them uncaring, cold-hearted villains.

[skydiveaddict]

More than likely he was reminiscing about you and wondering what you are doing and perhaps who was in your life after all those years. I doubt he intentionally meant to hurt you nor did he think you would “not have moved on”; it’s probably a simple matter of curiosity mixed with some contrast with his current girlfriend.

 

It was dumb and selfish of him to grab your personal self; however in the conversation did he state why he contacted you? How did the conversation end? Is it possible he will repeat these contacts again or was it made clear to him these advancements are not wanted or appreciated?

 

 

Why would he call just to "reminisce?" What is the piont of that? To rub her feelings in the dirt? And oh by the way I have a new girlfriend.

Sure thing.

[skydiveaddict]

This is kind of a blanket statement that I find mildly offensive. I could be labeled a dumper several times but I was always conscious about how I treated them during the break up and long after. I'm not much of a blamer, sometimes things just don't work out. I guess my point is that just because someone ends a relationship with another person doesn't automatically make them uncaring, cold-hearted villains.

 

 

Of course you find it offensive. How else could you take it? You weren't interested any longer so you dumped him/her. That's ok with me, but don't pretend you weren't "cold-hearted" about it. Of course you were. You no longer had an interest so you moved on. Be honest with yourself. You couldn't have cared less how the other person felt.

[Angel1111]

Of course you find it offensive. How else could you take it? You weren't interested any longer so you dumped him/her. That's ok with me, but don't pretend you weren't "cold-hearted" about it. Of course you were. You no longer had an interest so you moved on. Be honest with yourself. You couldn't have cared less how the other person felt.

 

It's offensive because your bitter attitude encompasses everything and everyone who's ever walked away from a relationship. It says that automatically the person who makes the decision to leave is the rotten one - where there's no responsibility on the other person's part because they didn't do anything wrong. That's total nonsense.

[mridul_chajilee]

I think he is realizing his past neglect and also he is not happy with his new boo and therefore he again wants you.But time is now with you,its your decession or its the time to hurt the dumper means revenge.thanks.

[skydiveaddict]

It's offensive because your bitter attitude encompasses everything and everyone who's ever walked away from a relationship. It says that automatically the person who makes the decision to leave is the rotten one - where there's no responsibility on the other person's part because they didn't do anything wrong. That's total nonsense.

 

 

Call me bitter or anything else you want. You still won't own up to the fact that you couldn't care less about the other person's feelings. I know a relationship is a two way street, but you don't..That's just a convenient excuse for you to walk away with. It's always someone else's fault, right?

[shayan]

ouch kiddo, I think this was meant to happen. There is a reason you are still hurting over him some baggage you need to clear from your past, some forgiveness you need to give to truly move on and this event is a reminder so you can work on yourself Good luck I truly see this as a blessing in disguise

[SadGirl23]

Call me bitter or anything else you want. You still won't own up to the fact that you couldn't care less about the other person's feelings. I know a relationship is a two way street, but you don't..That's just a convenient excuse for you to walk away with. It's always someone else's fault, right?

 

I totally agree with you .. Honestly, I was a dumper one time and didn't give a shyt about how he cried at night, probably couldn't sleep or eat because of the breakup, all because it was what I wanted and that was to breakup with him to move on with someone else. Although I did this years ago to my first love, I ultimately did all I could atleast to apologize to him for how I had hurt him. Thank goodness we are on good terms and of course moved on.. That right there, I knew from that point, I would never ever just "give up" on a relationship unless I really knew there was nothing that can be fixed. So, in other words, dumpers don't give a shyt.. Now I see why my ex hurt me and act like he just doesn't care.

Edited October 18, 2010 by SadGirl23

[Am4Real]

Dear Skydiveaddict,

 

As another poster commented you seem bitter and “mad at the world”. I mean you no offence but there are posters within this forum seeking counsel and guidance while some generally are in need of companionship during difficult times. Continually advising them there former “lovers” and “partners” are cold, heartless and villains might fit your most recent situation and the subject of some 3000+ posts in less than a year, however it cannot be a blanket response to everyone’s situation.

 

This was the message from the other poster to you…

 

From me I make comments as: none of us have the answer to what goes on in someone else’s mind, we in this forum only do our best to understand another’s pain and ongoing difficulty before generally making assumptions that all situations are the other person’s fault, etc. Things in life happen, some with reason and some without. It is the makeup of our character on how we deal with them and place them respectfully in the past.

 

Have a great day and please keep posting.

[WTRanger]

I had my first ex-gf from high school come back into my life a while back after a 7 year absence, thank you very much Facebook! However, she had married and at that time I was in a great relationship, so we got back in touch. It was a bit bumpy for me at first as the wave of feelings came back, and I was stunned that they were still there after that time. But I quickly realized that there's no chance of us ever happening, she had matured beyond her years now and so had I, and we were both living our separate lives to the fullest. I realized that all of the feelings were so old they had dust on them so I finally put them away where they belong. Also, all of our conversations focused on the present and the future, we never talked about the past because it was what it was. Can't change it now.

 

So she turned out to be one of my closest female friends. She was the one I turned to while dealing with my current situation and when life took a nasty turn for me. So not all ex's come back as evil people. However, there is a note of caution in this. You have to take a serious look at the ex's intentions. You also have to look at yourself as well. Since so much time has passed, have you used it wisely to deal with the break-up?

[Angel1111]

I totally agree with you .. Honestly, I was a dumper one time and didn't give a shyt about how he cried at night, probably couldn't sleep or eat because of the breakup, all because it was what I wanted and that was to breakup with him to move on with someone else.

 

That doesn't mean everyone is like that.

[Am4Real]

So she turned out to be one of my closest female friends. She was the one I turned to while dealing with my current situation and when life took a nasty turn for me. [highlight]So not all ex's come back as evil people. [/highlight] However, there is a note of caution in this. You have to take a serious look at the ex's intentions. You also have to look at yourself as well. Since so much time has passed, have you used it wisely to deal with the break-up?

 

 

 

WT,

 

What a great story!

 

It's a rare occurrence but nonetheless very, very atypical. I've had a similar experience, however I was the dumper and I initiated contact after ~five years. I can't explain why totally...it was not guilt, it was not with intention of reconciliation, I honestly missed "their" company and thought enough time had passed by it might be worthy of contact. The dumpee was very suspicious of me and took time and effort to simply ease into any sort of comfort whether we attempted conversation or later met for a coffee.

 

After three years it's been easy at times and hard at times. Even after this reconciled time in friendship tensions can surface. We deal with it and are committed to our friendship; we sometimes go week’s in-between conversations without issue or concern.

 

In the end your caution statement about "intentions" is correct and at the very least upheld by me. I would suggest our experiences are most rare and not for the faint of heart where heart is true goodwill towards all people.

 

Thank you for sharing...

[thatsonlyme]

Be advised, dumpers don't care about your feelings and never will. The only reasons they contact you are to relieve guilt or INTENTIONALLY hurt you. It is NEVER by accident or misplaced feelings. Look at your own situation. He contacted you to make sure you knew about his new gf. Do you really think he had no ill intentions? Not likely. He wanted to make you feel bad and he got the job done.

 

Not all dumpers are the same. I was a dumper in my previous relationship and I have never checked on my ex and never will. If she ever tries to contact me fine, but I have no intentions of bringing myself back into her life.

I respect her feelings and would never play with them. She's a great person and deserves to be happy. I made a mistake for leaving her, but I will never let her know.

[alittlejaded]

With all of the responses here and a clear divide on opinions in some cases, I should clarify that I am not at all the innocent one here. A little background on my situation:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t249691/

 

To be honest, the person who didn't deserve this was his girlfriend. Perhaps he is not certain why he contacted me as I am not certain why I continued to converse with him, but I am utterly torn up inside.

[Am4Real]

With all of the responses here and a clear divide on opinions in some cases, I should clarify that I am not at all the innocent one here. A little background on my situation:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t249691/

 

To be honest, the person who didn't deserve this was his girlfriend. Perhaps he is not certain why he contacted me as I am not certain why I continued to converse with him, but I am utterly torn up inside.

Jaded,

 

After reading your history post it makes your original question in this thread much easier to understand and formulate a reply. Frankly your history should have been mentioned with this thread, as separated this thread takes on a different line of inquiry.

 

With regard for your history and reviewing your question I surmise your EX takes you for an easy lay and sucker, basically disregarding your dignity and your life for his sexual cravings. It’s that simple.

 

Don’t be deceived by this jerk – he is a first class piece of sh%t.

 

Skydiveaddict although somewhat cynical in his response was accurate in a roundabout way – this guy had evil intentions from the get-go!

 

Sorry for your pain and especially having to endure the mental and emotional torture this man (little boy at best) has caused you.

 

Am4Real

[alittlejaded]

Am4Real, yes, I think a little background info would have been beneficial to the other posters, as I wanted to make it clear that it wasn't the most ideal of circumstances.

 

Somehow, writing the words makes it much more real. I find it almost comical that although every other aspect of my life is under control, I have absolutely no control over my heart. I really wish I did. I don't plan on ever speaking to him again, but it is extremely hard not to want truth. I was doing ok before he contacted me, but to be perfectly honest, I still thought of him from time to time-- and hoped. How pathetic, I know.

 

To answer another's post, he told me he contacted me initially to say he was sorry for how badly he hurt me. And that he will always love me. I guess I found out what that really meant.

[Am4Real]

Am4Real, yes, I think a little background info would have been beneficial to the other posters, as I wanted to make it clear that it wasn't the most ideal of circumstances.

 

Somehow, writing the words makes it much more real. I find it almost comical that although every other aspect of my life is under control, I have absolutely no control over my heart. I really wish I did. I don't plan on ever speaking to him again, but it is extremely hard not to want truth. I was doing ok before he contacted me, but to be perfectly honest, I still thought of him from time to time-- and hoped. How pathetic, I know.

 

To answer another's post, he told me he contacted me initially to say he was sorry for how badly he hurt me. And that he will always love me. I guess I found out what that really meant.

 

Hello Jaded,

 

Let’s be clear…[highlight]NOTHING YOU HAVE DONE OR RECENTLY DID CONTRIBUTED TO THE OUTCOME[/highlight].

 

I suspect he is torn and unsure of himself and using others (including you) to find his direction. Can you imagine what his girlfriend has to put up with and can you also imagine how this supposed “serious girlfriend” would feel if she knew of his wondering “business trip ways”.

 

Come on now…can it be anymore evident this has nothing to do with you; this “little boy” is a clown! An immature, deceptive and soulless clown!

 

Let’s talk about the supposed serious girlfriend for a mere sentence or two…. She could have been you! Would you want to be the one he cheats on with other business trip “out of town” acquaintances or whatever nomenclature we choose to call his sideline antics? Of course not.

 

Jaded, take another look at the situation, this time not from your heart but from the messed up head and soulless disposition of this “little boy”.

 

Do you see now…YOU ARE COMPLETELY UNDER CONTROL girl. Your control is understanding the situation with this “nut ball” for what it really is to him and his contradictory life.

 

Enough of any pity talk…you’re here on L.S. sharing your story and opening up on how you feel.

 

My friend, in all of our opinions that is complete control and you should not give past memories another consideration other than it a learning experience on how deceptive and cruel some (and I repeat the word “some”, meaning not all men nor all women) can be.

 

BTW, if his friends were openly flirting and attracted to you I can only imagine the many other fine men who are dreaming of an outstanding person like you. May all of your dreams find one of theirs!

 

Best wishes Jaded…

 

Am4Real

[pandagirl]

Not all dumpers are the same. I was a dumper in my previous relationship and I have never checked on my ex and never will. If she ever tries to contact me fine, but I have no intentions of bringing myself back into her life.

I respect her feelings and would never play with them. She's a great person and deserves to be happy. I made a mistake for leaving her, but I will never let her know.

 

So you regret leaving her, but won't ever tell her that.

 

Why did you breakup with her in the first place?

[skydiveaddict]

Dear Skydiveaddict,

 

As another poster commented you seem bitter and “mad at the world”.

 

 

 

 

No, only certain parts of it where the army keeps sending me:lmao:

[Am4Real]

No, only certain parts of it where the army keeps sending me:lmao:

 

Amen Brother...and we're glad you're there for us all!!!