Having sex early is better

[GoodOnPaper]

This is what I was thinking. Do men (are you a man GoodOnPaper? I am too lazy to try and figure that out) feel they are getting friendzoned and move on?

 

Having spent my single life crashing-and-burning in "nice guy" fashion, I learned to become very aware of the friendzone and the whole paradox about going slower physically the more a woman (supposedly) wants a guy for a relationship. Just because I'm a "relationship guy" doesn't mean that I don't want the same wild sex that the players get -- I'm just willing to be monogamous about it.

 

Back to my earlier post and the thread topic, earlier sex shows me that a woman is at least as physically attracted to me as she would be to a player who swoops in for a ONS. Probably even more relevant to the OP, you can see that my personal experience strongly influences my opinion about how early the first sex should be -- that likely holds true for everyone, men and women.

[Floridaman]

Having spent my single life crashing-and-burning in "nice guy" fashion, I learned to become very aware of the friendzone and the whole paradox about going slower physically the more a woman (supposedly) wants a guy for a relationship. Just because I'm a "relationship guy" doesn't mean that I don't want the same wild sex that the players get -- I'm just willing to be monogamous about it.

 

... earlier sex shows me that a woman is at least as physically attracted to me as she would be to a player who swoops in for a ONS. .

What an idiot I've been.

 

I just figured this out.

 

All along I tried to honor the woman's feelings and not "push" myself onto her. Many had religious reasons which I shared, so I didn't want to harm them in that way.

 

Of course, they let me do everything else, including bringing them to orgasm through OS. What hypocrites.

 

And I believed what they said and thought they were telling me the truth when in reality they wanted it as much as I did.

 

Their "convictions" were only words, nothing they really adhered to.

 

They played games with me and used me. They probably went on to the next guy and had no problem letting him nail her while they slammed the door on the guy that really cared for her and her needs. So much for opening doors for them and doing other courteous things.

 

As I said in earlier posts, I was looking for a long-term life relationship, and therefore wasn't in a hurry to satisfy my lusts. I wasn't innocent but sure feel like the naive one who ended up getting screwed here.

 

I sure won't take that stance in the future.

Edited October 19, 2010 by Floridaman

[BentSpine]

I'm sure a male poster on here had an interesting viewpoint he shared with me-at the time, I was completely the other side of it, but he made me change my mind. Not sure who said it, and this isn't verbatim, but it was something like: he wouldn't want to date someone who had ruled out sex before they'd worked out the chemistry, physical and otherwise on a date, he'd rather go on a date with someone who was open to it, and didn't follow the rule book. You know?

If I was that male, sweetz, then I feel honoured that my words were remembered. It's all about taking the other persons feelings into consiration as well as your own: If the woman postpones deciding about intimacy until the end of the date it will come off as she really does take the man's feelings and efforts into consideration. In turn the man feels that his efforts & feelings make a difference, maybe not all the way this date but perhaps at the end of next date. Postponing decision makes him feel his efferts mattered and helps him very graciously swallow the unavoidable disappointment of rejection. Or at least this man would. Intimacy doesn't guarantee a relationship, there are sadly many ways to make a couple incompatible. But intimacy will make me grateful, and if necessary I would publicly stand up for my view that my previously intimate partner is indeed a valuable woman.

[OceanGirl]

Kamille,

 

You are so damn smart and perceptive, I am in awe

 

Your last post is about as spot on as they get. I am going to print it out, along with few others. Thank you for making an effort to help me, I truly appreciate it

 

None of the guys I have dated recently saw real me at all, at any point. I am so preoccupied with building up strategies to increase and evaluate their interest level that I am not connecting to them. As a result, they have no sense of who I am and they can't even start to connect on a deeper level.

 

Sadly, having sex/not having sex issue is just another element of my strategy. And yes, the moment I start to even slightly like the guy is the moment I shut off completly and start playing games.

 

I have a lot to think about.

[Chicago_Guy]

You think having sex with him really fast will make him love you?

 

Since this is just an anonymous forum. I'll tell you the truth. Most guys are going to think your just easy.

 

Maybe if you have a great personality and are overall really cool they will fall in love later... but your really shooting yourself in the foot.

 

I agree 100%. If the guy only wanted casual sex, he might stop seeing you if you don't have sex early enough for him but may stick around if you do it right away. However, a lot of guys won't view a woman as "marriage material" if she wants to have sex right away because they will assume that she has done the same with many other guys before them. Also, if you have sex with guys right away, you'll rack up huge partner counts and I don't any guy who thinks that is an attractive thing for a woman.

[Andy_K]

Guys who decide a girl isn't 'girlfriend material' because she slept with them on the first or second date are judgemental asses. They've either got some misogynistic tendencies hidden away there or a madonna-whore complex to worry about.

 

No girl is an angel. Chances are she has slept with SOMEONE very early on in the dating game. You are kidding yourself if you think otherwise. So why not you too?

 

Lets face it. EVERY girl has a naughty side. EVERY girl has dirty fantasies she keeps to herself for fear of being judged on them. There is no such thing in this world as a 'good girl', just a bad girl who has kept it hidden (from you, if not others). If you want the kinky girl, the adventurous one, the naughty side that wants to rip your clothes off, well, then you better accept the girls that are expressive and unashamed enough to have sex early on. You better make the girl feel like you won't judge her on anything she's done before you or anything she might want to do with you. You discard the girls like this and you're making a big mistake, because how soon they sleep with you had no bearing on their integrity or ability to be an awesome girlfriend.

 

And d'you know what'll happen if you only pick the 'good' girls, and make them believe that their 'good' behaviour is a credit to them? They won't let you all the way in for fear of being judged. They won't share their deepest secrets and fantasies with you. If you picked a girl with low integrity, she'll even look elsewhere to fulfil what's missing. And if you didn't, she'll keep it repressed and ultimately that will hold back her sex drive.

 

And then guys wonder why their wives or long term partners only want sex a couple times a week with the lights out.

[Kamille]

Kamille,

 

You are so damn smart and perceptive, I am in awe

 

Your last post is about as spot on as they get. I am going to print it out, along with few others. Thank you for making an effort to help me, I truly appreciate it

 

None of the guys I have dated recently saw real me at all, at any point. I am so preoccupied with building up strategies to increase and evaluate their interest level that I am not connecting to them. As a result, they have no sense of who I am and they can't even start to connect on a deeper level.

 

Sadly, having sex/not having sex issue is just another element of my strategy. And yes, the moment I start to even slightly like the guy is the moment I shut off completly and start playing games.

 

I have a lot to think about.

 

Glad I could help, OC. I find what is lacking in my post is advice as to how to open up.

 

I don't know how to give that advice because I have no idea why you have such a strong propensity to keep your guards up when dating. Do you find it difficult to open up to your friends and family?

 

Obviously, the usual clichés do work: focus on accepting yourself, approach difficult situations with a bit of humor, take time to do activities that make you feel good.

[sumdude]

Everyone can argue round and round in a circle but realistically speaking, we're talking about many different people with different values and triggers.

 

Some bond with sex. Others don't. Some can have sex with any warm body. Others are more selective but still consider it a sport. Some use sex as an external validator or power tool. Others view it as something so wonderful, they won't share it with anyone except someone they seriously care about which includes huge components of relationship trust and respect.

 

OG has to decide who she is before deciding what works best for herself. I don't agree with the way she minimalizes herself and maximizes men who appear to be low interest. At the same time, I wish she wouldn't minimalize men who are interested in her but I'm guessing this is an extension of self-minimalizing.

 

"If they like me, they might not be so great".

 

I think there's a lot of good insight here. I've run into this with a few women I've dated. One woman started saying things to me like "Why are you treating me so well?" and a couple of weeks later lost attraction and ended the relationship. No I wasn't being a doormat, just treating her like a lady and actually giving a damn about her. We're still good friends and since then she's dated a few guys in the last year. All of them were self absorbed men and the last did not treat her well at all. Yet she kept going back for more.

 

She's 42 and just starting to learn from this and yes, she has a tendency to jump into the sack pretty quickly.

[Holding-On]

Guys who decide a girl isn't 'girlfriend material' because she slept with them on the first or second date are judgemental asses. They've either got some misogynistic tendencies hidden away there or a madonna-whore complex to worry about.

 

No girl is an angel. Chances are she has slept with SOMEONE very early on in the dating game. You are kidding yourself if you think otherwise. So why not you too?

 

Lets face it. EVERY girl has a naughty side. EVERY girl has dirty fantasies she keeps to herself for fear of being judged on them. There is no such thing in this world as a 'good girl', just a bad girl who has kept it hidden (from you, if not others). If you want the kinky girl, the adventurous one, the naughty side that wants to rip your clothes off, well, then you better accept the girls that are expressive and unashamed enough to have sex early on. You better make the girl feel like you won't judge her on anything she's done before you or anything she might want to do with you. You discard the girls like this and you're making a big mistake, because how soon they sleep with you had no bearing on their integrity or ability to be an awesome girlfriend.

 

And d'you know what'll happen if you only pick the 'good' girls, and make them believe that their 'good' behaviour is a credit to them? They won't let you all the way in for fear of being judged. They won't share their deepest secrets and fantasies with you. If you picked a girl with low integrity, she'll even look elsewhere to fulfil what's missing. And if you didn't, she'll keep it repressed and ultimately that will hold back her sex drive.

 

And then guys wonder why their wives or long term partners only want sex a couple times a week with the lights out.

 

Wow. This is SO well written.

[carhill]

So, being selective sexually, meaning date many, f*ck few, and being 'naughty' or 'libidinous' is mutually exclusive for females? Cool, good information. Carry on...

[Floridaman]

So, being selective sexually, meaning date many, f*ck few, and being 'naughty' or 'libidinous' is mutually exclusive for females? Cool, good information. Carry on...

I wouldn't take as fact much of what is said on this thread or on any web board.

Just some peoples' opinions.

 

I don't see "counselor" or psychologist or any Bob Hartleys or Mashall Saper's on this board. Just some that like to think more of themselves or that their opinions are correct and therefore valid for all of mankind.

 

I'm sure much of what's stated here isn't anywhere near factual.

Edited October 21, 2010 by Floridaman

[carhill]

I'm just watching how the wider information input here matches (or not) my relatively small real life sample. I have yet to really explore the parameters of date many, f*ck few, as all my partners have been self-described high numbers, save for one. It'll be interesting to see how it plays out. It is notable that the 'one' who didn't disclose also was the most affectionate and sensitive of the group, IMO. When I read the OP's posts, I don't get the 'lovemaking' feeling about her descriptions, though I think it is a part of her desire. Perhaps by experimenting enough, she'll find the right fit for her psyche. Hope it works out

[Floridaman]

Having sex early is better...

I dunno about that. Just reading many of these posts of people, women mostly, who regreted going too far too soon with their guy and subsequent guys.

 

One woman jumped onto a coworker's lap and gave him a BJ in the office parking lot before she really even knew his name or had even talked with him!

Now he doesn't want anything to do with her and practically kicked her out of his truck!

 

Why won't he call?

 

Like a lot of things, like good food and wine, let the relationship "cook" or grow before giving in too easily.

 

Aside from moral and religious concerns, there's lots of emperical evidence on this board and elsewhere about the foolishness about rushing things.

 

Going too fast too soon, it sounds like it might not be worth the entirely too brief pleasure.

Edited October 22, 2010 by Floridaman

[youngskywalker]

Example: my guy friend was dating a girl for a few weeks and he was kind of meh about her. Then they had sex and she slept over. The next day he was CRAZY about her. Seriously, it was after sex that he fell in love. They are now still going strong, but it was really sex that pushed him into falling for her.

 

Before sex, he was considering breaking things off and moving on.

 

That's what men want you to believe so you'll sleep with them but it's the biggest lie ever concocted.

[Floridaman]

Ocean Girl and others who think going all the way very early in a relationship is a good idea, check out some of the posts by FEMALES on this board that I am also active on:

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?365555-Too-soon-to-have-sex

I really regret rushing into sex with what I thought were relationships. That's why when this topic shows up, I always say the same thing, and that is to wait. If I had waited for the times I slept too soon I would have felt better. I thought they liked me, they just wanted sex and they were gone. In one case I found out the one guy was dating his then girlfriend (now wife) and using me for sex because she wanted to wait.

I am a "born again" (if this is such a term) virgin. In my 20's I had lots of sex. I wasn't sleeping with every guy, but was more open to sex. I had a few fwb's as well. After all, I needed sex. However, I realized that yes the sex was fun but it was sad after awhile. I often rushed into sex with guys I thought were relationships, only to have them break my heart. Then 6 months-year later I often heard they got married. That hurt me badly and wondering if I could have been the one they married. I often think I am still single because of this.

...

I chose men who only wanted sex and I approach being 40 and still single.

You're going to make your own choices and no one has any control over you. But realize your mistakes are your own.... so will your regrets.

I always think it's best to pack light when dealing with regrets.

Edited December 18, 2010 by Floridaman

[SoVeryFrustrated]

People who sleep with a woman on a first date are NOT judgemental asses. Yes it takes two too tango and if you have all read my story, I have had a mega gaggle of one nighters and sex came very fast for me in a relationship which caused me to contract something. If you take the time to know the person (alot of people say that they are clean) and take a step back, you can build an emotional bond as well as get to know that person. I have bene celibate since, trying to figure myself out but in hindsite I would of loved to test each and every one of my partners, not rushing into sex. The heat of the moment can be a bad thing. People carry things that lay dormant in their system that they don't know they pass on.

[yongyong]

I don't understand why men and women are not at the same level in terms of sex. So only men are horny as fxuk and women reward men with sex to control them??

 

Here is what you should do.

 

Do it when you want.

If you try to seduce him by spreading your legs even though you didn't want it, then he would have fun and might leave.

 

If you try not to give it up because you like to be chased and feel good when you turn him down by saying 'not tonight you pervert', chances are he will give up and go to somewhere else.

 

 

BTW, I thought you should have sex by 3rd dates in this country?

[sagetalk]

1. Delaying sex may work for women who are super-confident unattainable goddesses but is not really working for me.

 

2. I am going to change things up and go with the natural flow of events next time.

 

1. It sounds like you are trying to date guys who's number 1 interest in you is sex.

 

2. Big mistake, you're making yourself player fodder. Sure you'll get to have sex with lots of attractive guys, but is that all you want? If you want a LTR, this line of thinking is poisonous.

[OpenBook]

Here is what you should do.

 

Do it when you want.

 

Completely agree with this. YOU are the one in charge of your own sexuality, not him. And (IME) guys generally respect that attitude when they see that you're not looking to them to validate you, especially after sex.

 

It's also been my experience that if a guy is really into you, he will dig you NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. So it doesn't even matter, with the guys that matter!

[Floridaman]

Completely agree with this. YOU are the one in charge of your own sexuality, not him. And (IME) guys generally respect that attitude when they see that you're not looking to them to validate you, especially after sex.

 

It's also been my experience that if a guy is really into you, he will dig you NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. So it doesn't even matter, with the guys that matter!

Hey may.... but there's a higher likelihood of him ditching you once you give in so soon. No conquest. Time to move on.

 

Some could even start a shot-clock and time when he would leave. One week? A couple of days later? Maybe a month.

 

Here's an interesting take on this issue from a female.

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?365620-My-Views-On-Sex-Make-Me-Feel-Very-Un-American...Am-I-Alone&p=4590877&viewfull=1#post4590877

Edited December 18, 2010 by Floridaman

[yongyong]

Listen to me. here is my very honest opinion as a Normal Guy. I will never talk about this with other women. I can only do it here since it's online.

I will type very straightforward and forget about fancy words.

 

If a guy is attracted to you (whether physically or emotionally), he would want to sleep with you asap. If you can't understand this Instinct, then you should move to another planet.

(it's like you show him a porn and call him a pervert after seeing his erected penis)

 

I can think of 3 situations.

 

He was not attracted to you. but he had to use someone instead of jerking off. In this case, obviously he won't see you again unless he gets really hungry and can't find a food anywhere else (are you with me here?)

 

He was attracted to you mostly physically. After sleeping with you, he loses those fantasy about you. he conquered you too soon with no effort.

It's like finishing super mario game in one day. there is no challenge or motivation for him to pursue the relationship. But he might call you again just to have fun with you.

 

He was wholly attracted to you. He sleeps with you and discovers this magical feeling by having sex with you. (you know what I am talking about? IMO the girl looks even prettier when we are both horny)

He wants to see you again and get to know you more.

 

For me, if I really liked the lady, I would still like her or even like her more after sleeping with her in early stage. BUT I try to supress my basic instinct because women are weird animal. let me explain about this below

 

I am sure any single guy had this kind of experience??

On a first date, you guys start from romatic kiss. kiss leads to another.....it escalates quickly.

she said how much she wanted you inside her. she rode you like a dirty girl. After you guys finish having sex, you guys hold each other and feel you guys are even closer now.

you like her even more. you don't look at her as a Whore, rather, you thought her dirty act was quite adorable.

You call her a day after to see what's up. she is kind of weird.

she says it Happend Too Fast. You don't hear from her again.

You literally want to shout 'WTF' from your lung.

 

that's why I try not to have sex with women in first date.

I know I would not change my mind after sleeping with her and still respect her. I know she would ejony it too.

But you never know how she will react after that.

it's called Buyers Remorse as you guys know.

 

 

so if you meet a guy, you are going to fall in 3 categories above.

If a guy seduced you to have sex with him and he doesn't call you back,

is he a ****in *******?

'you can not clap with one hand'

 

Listen to what you really want inside. so even the outcome wasn't right, you won't have to regret about it.

[Els]

If you actually WANT to sleep with the guy early but are just holding back because of some silly 'rules' you're trying to follow, your idea is a good one.

 

Otherwise, you're just setting yourself up for heartache. Using sex as bait is so very, very desperate.