OceanGirl Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I have always waited for a while to have sex with a new guy. At least around a month or so of dating and I think it has been working against me. Usually there will be a third date where things get more sexual and invite to sleep over at my or his place will hang in the air. Usually, I would just ignore it and go home (alone). I would notice a guy cool off considerably after that moment. It has become a pattern. I now wonder if I had let things progress naturally if the outcome of my raltionships would have been different. I think that men also experience some level of bonding and attachment after sex. Especially if sex is good and you spend the night together, wake up together have breakfast etc. It can increase intimacy and closeness and that is where I have been falling short. ALL of my male friends and my brother have had their current long terms girlfriends sleep with them within the first 3 dates. Basically, I feel that a guy with options is likely to start looking for alternatives if sex comes too late. Delaying sex may work for women who are super-confident unattainable goddesses but is not really working for me. I am going to change things up and go with the natural flow of events next time.
Star Gazer Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Basically, I feel that a guy with options is likely to start looking for alternatives if sex comes too late. So you want to compete with his other options by tagging him first?
Cracker Jack Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I'm not so sure about that. If they're likely to look for sex in other places, then you wouldn't want them anyway; just shows they probably don't give a damn about you, except for your vagina. On the otherhand, if you have good sex with the guy, it doesn't necessarily mean he'll be into you anymore than he was before the sex. He could still search for sex from other women despite sleeping with you. Not saying you should keep waiting for a while to have sex with guys, but having sex quick isn't the key to your issues. What's working against you, in my opinion, is your entire outlook on things.
Author OceanGirl Posted October 18, 2010 Author Posted October 18, 2010 Example: my guy friend was dating a girl for a few weeks and he was kind of meh about her. Then they had sex and she slept over. The next day he was CRAZY about her. Seriously, it was after sex that he fell in love. They are now still going strong, but it was really sex that pushed him into falling for her. Before sex, he was considering breaking things off and moving on.
Author OceanGirl Posted October 18, 2010 Author Posted October 18, 2010 BTW I don't think it's the key for me, but I think I am not helping my chances by delaying sex.
tigressA Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I'm not so sure about that. If they're likely to look for sex in other places, then you wouldn't want them anyway; just shows they probably don't give a damn about you, except for your vagina. On the otherhand, if you have good sex with the guy, it doesn't necessarily mean he'll be into you anymore than he was before the sex. He could still search for sex from other women despite sleeping with you. Not saying you should keep waiting for a while to have sex with guys, but having sex quick isn't the key to your issues. What's working against you, in my opinion, is your entire outlook on things. I agree with this. I've had first- or second-date sex more than once, but each situation turned out differently. In a couple of them, including my current, they were still interested and wanted long-term. In the rest, they weren't looking to have me be their one and only. I think a lot of it depends on what you're both looking for. If someone isn't interested in long-term, nothing you do or don't do is going to make them interested in long-term.
Star Gazer Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Example: my guy friend was dating a girl for a few weeks and he was kind of meh about her. Then they had sex and she slept over. The next day he was CRAZY about her. Seriously, it was after sex that he fell in love. They are now still going strong, but it was really sex that pushed him into falling for her. Before sex, he was considering breaking things off and moving on. Do you think having sex to make a guy like you is a good approach? Would you really even want to be with someone who was only meh about you before you gave him an orgasm??
brainygirl Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I think that sex before you are comfortable or ready is a bad idea. Giving in to an invitation to stay over just because you think he'll ditch you if you don't isn't the way to get a great relationship out come. Please think carefully about this, maybe have an honest talk about the kind of relationship you want, your values regarding sex in a relationship, and your expectations of him as a partner before you get to that "should I go in or not" point.
bee55 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I personally when i have a sex, the girl rank is fell rather than before
carhill Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Having sex early is better So, try it and see, as you shared you *never* have. Sometimes, experience *is* the best teacher. I tried it many years ago with a woman I had only known a couple of weeks and found it to be, with her, a wonderful experience. My only regret is that I left her to begin dating the woman who is now my ex-wife. It was, succinctly, fear of the unknown, as she was a woman I had met in my travels and with whom developing a relationship would be a long and arduous task under the best of conditions. Imagine Pyro and CE if the US and Australia didn't have solid diplomatic relations and spoke different languages. It taught me a lot about talking with a woman without words. Anyway, perhaps my advice is counter-intuitive, but sometimes one can try something outside the box to grow and find what they're looking for. Glad to read elsewhere that the home and hearth is progressing. Cool
somedude81 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Basically, I feel that a guy with options is likely to start looking for alternatives if sex comes too late. So you want to compete with his other options by tagging him first? My thoughts exactly. It's interesting reading this board and seeing how women really are. I'm also amazed at how in-demand good looking guys are and the things that women will do to try and claim them. All the while normal guys are being passed over.
Sabali Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Example: my guy friend was dating a girl for a few weeks and he was kind of meh about her. Then they had sex and she slept over. The next day he was CRAZY about her. Seriously, it was after sex that he fell in love. They are now still going strong, but it was really sex that pushed him into falling for her. Before sex, he was considering breaking things off and moving on. I agree. After sex, I am in! Ain't no way I am just about to cast aside a woman that I am enjoying after she starts putting out. I don't know many guys that would which I do not completely get the whole "sex is all he wanted threads" from adults. Yeah, when I was much much younger, that was an issue but I just don't hear any of my guys saying crap like that. Generally, when the sex start coming, we tend to stick around. I can really relate to your friend as well, OP. I am currently dating someone I was having a lot of fun with. Every time we went out or hung out together, it was a ton of fun but the physical part wasn't coming along like I wanted it to. I can understand somewhat because she probably was worried that I would leave after I hit it but, like I say, once I hit it, I want o continue to hit it. I was just about to give up because I wasn't sure what she wanted from me. Things would get heated and she would stop. I started losing interest even though we were having a good time otherwise because I began to wonder about reasons she was keeping me around. I believe she senses that I was pulling away and a few days later we were getting down in the sack. I am really into her now for some reason and give her the red carpet treatment. Lol. I ain't about to let her go any time soon. I really don't think sex work against women like they believe if they take part in it earlier rather than later. I think it really comes down to overall attrractiveness... physical and personality wise. If you are moderately attractive, sort of crazy, and just not fun, then maybe someone will not stick around after they have sex with you. But if the chemistry is there and you two are really enjoying yourself, a man won't get rid of you because we don't know when the next time we will get some.
threebyfate Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 OG, you're still looking at men as prizes to attain, instead of interviewing them as long-term partner material.
Insanitylater Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I have always waited for a while to have sex with a new guy. Arent you the girl that attacked your date and had sex in the car?
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Example: my guy friend was dating a girl for a few weeks and he was kind of meh about her. Then they had sex and she slept over. The next day he was CRAZY about her. Seriously, it was after sex that he fell in love. They are now still going strong, but it was really sex that pushed him into falling for her. Before sex, he was considering breaking things off and moving on. You think having sex with him really fast will make him love you? Since this is just an anonymous forum. I'll tell you the truth. Most guys are going to think your just easy. Maybe if you have a great personality and are overall really cool they will fall in love later... but your really shooting yourself in the foot.
Sabali Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Arent you the girl that attacked your date and had sex in the car? What's wrong with sex in the car? Sex in the park, in the bushes, gas station bathroom, etc., is all good. It's boring to keep it in the bedroom and how many men wouldn't love to get attacked by a woman? I got attacked in the car last month and almost fell in love afterwards. Too bad she just wanted to hit it a few times and quit it. I feel so used.
souvlaki Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Dunno about this. I think it's the opposite actually. Aside from one instance, where I was already unavailable to the guy because of long distance issues, whenever I had sex with a guy early on he wasn't interested in a relationship with me. All of the times I've held off, where I was interested in a relationship with a guy, he was also interested.
Sabali Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Dunno about this. I think it's the opposite actually. Aside from one instance, where I was already unavailable to the guy because of long distance issues, whenever I had sex with a guy early on he wasn't interested in a relationship with me. All of the times I've held off, where I was interested in a relationship with a guy, he was also interested. It is important to evaluate the vibes you get from the other person. If you are going crazy over him and he is lukewarm for you, then I can see how that happens. Honestly, I can't think of many of my friends or acquaintances who speak negatively of women who have sex with them failry early on in dating but then again, I am in my 30s. Things are different compared to my early 20s with dating.
tigressA Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 It is important to evaluate the vibes you get from the other person. If you are going crazy over him and he is lukewarm for you, then I can see how that happens. This is what I do. Of course if I really feel like sleeping with a guy, I'll do it, even if I don't think he's that interested. I don't hold off or go forward based on the guy's interest level; I do it based on my own desires.
Sabali Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 This is what I do. Of course if I really feel like sleeping with a guy, I'll do it, even if I don't think he's that interested. I don't hold off or go forward based on the guy's interest level; I do it based on my own desires. That is great! You are liberated. My comment is mainly for those who hold back on sex because they are afraid that a relationship will not follow after wards. Like I said above, I have run into those that only want to satisfy their own desires and nothing else. I'm cool with it.
Surrealist Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 The following blog has some interesting commentary that touches on the dilemma you describe: Where have all the good guys (and girls) gone? http://blogs.news.com.au/womenonmen/index.php/news/comments/where_have_all_the_good_guys_and_girls_gone/
brainygirl Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 This is what I do. Of course if I really feel like sleeping with a guy, I'll do it, even if I don't think he's that interested. I don't hold off or go forward based on the guy's interest level; I do it based on my own desires. I tend to do this also, but its backfired at least once when a guy was "you slept with me the X date" when we were talking about getting serious. But I'm thinking, "yeah and you slept with me, so its a case of the pot calling out the kettle asshat"
tigressA Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 My comment is mainly for those who hold back on sex because they are afraid that a relationship will not follow after wards. I used to be one of those people. But then I woke up. If a guy is really interested in a relationship with you, then it really doesn't matter if you have sex "too early". But you have to have the attitude wherein you're assessing your own interest in the person, not constantly wondering/obsessing over if they're interested in you and basing all your decisions on that perceived interest or lack of. And this is one of the things that OG struggles with.
Star Gazer Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 OG, you're still looking at men as prizes to attain, instead of interviewing them as long-term partner material. This. Absolutely.
Sabali Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I used to be one of those people. But then I woke up. If a guy is really interested in a relationship with you, then it really doesn't matter if you have sex "too early". But you have to have the attitude wherein you're assessing your own interest in the person, not constantly wondering/obsessing over if they're interested in you and basing all your decisions on that perceived interest or lack of.. I completely agree. I am much more likely to look negative upon early initiation of nonsexual behavior such as calling me up multiple times per day or something or inviting me to go out of town with you within the first few dates.
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