brainygirl Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Ok, so those of you who read my threads know I've been seeing a guy who is basically Mr. Wrong. I'm not going to get into the whys of the attraction, other than the relationship got physical very fast and when we are together, we really enjoy each other. When we are not together he tends to ignore me and I tend to have all these thoughts about why he's not boyfriend material. so I am still active on the online dating sights. And so is he. We hang out, hung out this weekend and had a great time, but aren't anything official. So, here's my question, is this "ok", to see someone knowing its temporary and not going to last or really go anywhere and to continue to pursue dating too? Does this make me a bad person? I am at a point where the temp relationship fills a void without messing with the rest of my life . . . but is that really enough?
Surrealist Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 If the feeling is mutual I don't see a problem with it. If you're comfortable with such an arrangement, again I don't see any cause for major concern. People will date more than one person simultaneously while looking for the one partner to become exclusive with. May not be everyone's cup of brew, but for those involved, who are aware of the poly-dating as you both are, and content with this arrangement, cannot see any major probs, unless of course you're looking to become exclusive with this guy, but doesn't appear you are.
Cracker Jack Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 If you're fine with seeing him with low expectations for anything else, then yes, it's ok. But if you usually reflect on why he's not "boyfriend material" when he's ignoring you, it's probably not too healthy to continue to see him.
Author brainygirl Posted October 18, 2010 Author Posted October 18, 2010 If you're fine with seeing him with low expectations for anything else, then yes, it's ok. But if you usually reflect on why he's not "boyfriend material" when he's ignoring you, it's probably not too healthy to continue to see him. I'll give you an example: This weekend my kids were at their dad's and his kid was with it's mom. We got together Saturday, had Sushi for lunch, went to a couple of stores, then went to a winery for a tasting, made dinner at his place, then went out to a metal concert. It was fun. BUT, I think he poped half a lortab before we went to the bar which really bothers me, we see each other once or twice a week but don't do the calling/texting thing that "couples" seem to do. Plus he lives 75 miles away. After Sat, we probably won't talk again for a week.
Insanitylater Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 (edited) I've been seeing a guy who is basically Mr. Wrong.the relationship got physical very fast and when we are together, we really enjoy each other. How do you get physical with him if you know he's Mr wrong ? How do you enjoy being with him if you know he's Mr wrong ? Why do women do this to themselves? This is the situation where down the road, the guilt gets to be to much for a woman, so in turn she unloads it on men by bashing them. Not saying Brainy will do this, but this situation is what causes that reaction in a lot of women. Women cause more of their own misfortune in the dating world than men do for them. Women KNOW what they are getting into most of the time, they just blame the guy in the end, because thats what other women do to hide their own mistakes in judgment. Edited October 18, 2010 by Insanitylater
bac Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 It is not FWBs because you are having fun together going out. IMO It is casual dating. If you feel comfortable and satisfied with the relationship, there is no reason to break up with him. Keep him on your list for fun untill you dislike him or untill you find another guy to replace him. Date other men as well.
Author brainygirl Posted October 18, 2010 Author Posted October 18, 2010 How do you get physical with him if you know he's Mr wrong ? I was silly, got physical with him before I knew as much as I know now. How do you enjoy being with him if you know he's Mr wrong ? We have similar senses of humor, we are both dorks who can quote cartoons and comics in reference to something completely different. We enjoy similar movies, foods, and he has a smart sort of humor that's fun to spend time with. But, he also drinks a lot and i drink a lot when I am with him. Why do women do this to themselves? Imagine this if you will: you are completely unremarkable in appearance. Men look past you and even women act like there's something off about how you look, talk and dress. You don't conform to what is expected of someone your age and you are pretty, but not beautiful. You are smarter than 90% of the people you meet and don't hide it. Now imagine you meet someone who share's your sense of humor and enjoys being around you. That person also has some habits you know you wouldn't be comfortable with being a long term part of your life. I do this because I am not the woman that gets hundreds of hits on her profile, I get made fun of because its easy to make fun of me, so it isn't often that I get an opportunity to have something like this in my life. I'm sorry it doesn't meet with your ultimate approval. This is the situation where down the road, the guilt gets to be to much for a woman, so in turn she unloads it on men by bashing them in forums or public. Not saying Brainy will do this, but this situation is what causes that reaction in a lot of women. Why would I bash any one but myself? This is why I don't get dates . . . I apparently do not behave or respond to things like other women will. I know it isn't going to morph into something long term or serious, but in the mean time its a lot of fun. my hesitation is that I would rather have a chance at long term in the future than to continue this now. (but again, when you really are weird and not all that pretty, how often does someone come along who can push all the right buttons and seems to like your company?)
Insanitylater Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 when you really are weird and not all that pretty, how often does someone come along who can push all the right buttons and seems to like your company?) So you answered yourself With all your brains you needed to come here to realize you had the answer all along?
Scottdmw Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Here's the problem I would see. You say this relationship fills a void for you, and I believe it probably does. But, that may not really be doing yourself a service. That feeling of a void in your life, I think, is meant to motivate you to go out and find Mr. Right, or at least to become the kind of person that will attract him. It is painful but it leads you in the right direction. Right now, you're not fully available should Mr Right come into your life. It always seems to me like this is the conflict that faces women. They can accept a bad relationship with a more attractive man, or they can try to find a good relationship with a less attractive man. This is because the really attractive men often like to play the field, so they are not interested in relationships particularly. They would rather have several women in their lives in situations like yours where they can have all of them. Meanwhile, there are several somewhat less attractive men who have no women at all in their lives. I don't think this is really a good situation for either those men or the women, really the only one who comes out ahead is the one man who can convince a bunch of women to be his FWBs. I see these kind of relationships as addictive for the women involved, in the sense that they are very pleasurable but not ultimately fulfilling. I also think that women tend to deceive themselves about how okay they are with situations like this. Then eventually they get very emotionally attached from the sex, and end up hurt. So, you need to decide what you want in your life. Would you prefer to casually date a really hot guy who will likely never be your exclusive partner? Or, would you prefer to find a man who is not quite so good at pushing all your buttons quickly, but who is willing to be exclusive? Of course, you can always continue to hope to find both at once, and maybe you will, but I think if you are dealing with a guy like the one you describe your odds are not good. Best wishes, Scott
Tim The Enchanter Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 BrainyGirl - just keep doing what you've been doing. It's perfectly normal and healthy. You might even find a proper relationship developing with this guy. Even if you don't, you got to have fun.
Cee Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I totally get what you are saying. Dating can be recreation, as a way to go out and have fun with the added sexual benefit. But I don't think dates are a substitute for having real friendships and enjoying alone time. I've been single and unattached for several years now. I've developed many friendships that have been more fun than my average dates. Also, I spend a lot of time alone. For example, every year I take a solo vacation and I have a ball. I love my own company, but it took several years of introspection and therapy to get there. My life is so full that I barely have time to date and it's a lesser priority to me. Yes, I get lonely sometimes, but I'd rather have 4 best friends who love me than 1 guy who doesn't. ...And as an aside, this guy popping a Lortab is a serious red flag. Unless he just had back or dental surgery, he's abusing drugs. I've known people with narcotics addictions and it's an ugly business. If he's using narcotics while being with you, he's not with you at all- he's on his own private cloud.
Tim The Enchanter Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Cee, you're totally right. One should not neglect the rest of one's life for the sake of dating. People get hurt when they put all their faith in relationships.
Author brainygirl Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 Here's the problem I would see. You say this relationship fills a void for you, and I believe it probably does. But, that may not really be doing yourself a service. That feeling of a void in your life, I think, is meant to motivate you to go out and find Mr. Right, or at least to become the kind of person that will attract him. It is painful but it leads you in the right direction. Right now, you're not fully available should Mr Right come into your life. It always seems to me like this is the conflict that faces women. They can accept a bad relationship with a more attractive man, or they can try to find a good relationship with a less attractive man. This is because the really attractive men often like to play the field, so they are not interested in relationships particularly. They would rather have several women in their lives in situations like yours where they can have all of them. Meanwhile, there are several somewhat less attractive men who have no women at all in their lives. I don't think this is really a good situation for either those men or the women, really the only one who comes out ahead is the one man who can convince a bunch of women to be his FWBs. I see these kind of relationships as addictive for the women involved, in the sense that they are very pleasurable but not ultimately fulfilling. I also think that women tend to deceive themselves about how okay they are with situations like this. Then eventually they get very emotionally attached from the sex, and end up hurt. So, you need to decide what you want in your life. Would you prefer to casually date a really hot guy who will likely never be your exclusive partner? Or, would you prefer to find a man who is not quite so good at pushing all your buttons quickly, but who is willing to be exclusive? Of course, you can always continue to hope to find both at once, and maybe you will, but I think if you are dealing with a guy like the one you describe your odds are not good. Best wishes, Scott Its not about his attractiveness. And its not like there are men knocking down my door to ask me out. I really don't care much about looks, looks fade, looks are temporary. I like his personality . . . If a short, balding, over the hill guy with no money came into my life who was kind, generous, and made me smile and feel safe, I'd totally go out with him. But that isn't the case. The case is that while I have fun with this person, I know that a long term serious relationship isn't going to happen. I'm still on the dating sites and still emailing with other men. I am not an experienced dater and wasn't sure what the "moral" and "ethical" stances of the situation were.
Awesome Username Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Ok, so those of you who read my threads know I've been seeing a guy who is basically Mr. Wrong. I'm not going to get into the whys of the attraction, other than the relationship got physical very fast and when we are together, we really enjoy each other. When we are not together he tends to ignore me and I tend to have all these thoughts about why he's not boyfriend material. so I am still active on the online dating sights. And so is he. We hang out, hung out this weekend and had a great time, but aren't anything official. So, here's my question, is this "ok", to see someone knowing its temporary and not going to last or really go anywhere and to continue to pursue dating too? Does this make me a bad person? I am at a point where the temp relationship fills a void without messing with the rest of my life . . . but is that really enough? I have a feeling it's going to hurt you. Try hanging out with him for three times without getting physical. If he isn't hanging around anymore, kick him to the curb. Brainy girls are also emotional girls, and you're already downing yourself and saying, "This is the best I can get for now." You're not a bad person, but I think that your feelings may be developing more and more for someone who doesn't deserve it. I'd see if he's up to hanging out a few times without immediately getting physical - in the DAYTIME. If he doesn't show, kick his a$$ out of your life...I bet he doesn't do as good of a job as a jackrabbit would!
Titania22 Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Does this make me a bad person? I am at a point where the temp relationship fills a void without messing with the rest of my life . . . but is that really enough? You're not a bad person at all, and don't listen to anyone who says you are.
Titania22 Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 It is not FWBs because you are having fun together going out. IMO It is casual dating. If you feel comfortable and satisfied with the relationship, there is no reason to break up with him. Keep him on your list for fun untill you dislike him or untill you find another guy to replace him. Date other men as well. What? Don't friend have fun together going out?
Titania22 Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 This is why I don't get dates . . . I apparently do not behave or respond to things like other women will. I don't behave like other women apparently do either. Don't worry about that. And just because someone isn't Mr Right, doesn't make him Mr Wrong, He can be Mr RightNow. As long as you are enjoying your life, and it makes sense to you, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You don't need the approval of others, or to be validated.
Titania22 Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 I also think that women tend to deceive themselves about how okay they are with situations like this. Then eventually they get very emotionally attached from the sex, and end up hurt. My problem with this is that not all women are deceiving themselves. And also everyone seems to think there is a problem with being hurt. All relationships hurt, even wonderful ones. The only way to avoid being hurt, is to avoid all relationships with people. The trick is to realise that at some point you are going to hurt, and decide if todays joy is worth tomorrows hurt. It doesn't necessarily follow that people have to develop a chip on their shoulers about the opposite sex. People who think there is any such relationship they can enter into that won't cause them to suffer at some point, are the ones decieving themselves. Please stop assuming that because we are female we are like wilting flowers, that can't stand a little sunshine. Women by our very nature are used to enduring pain, every month,losing our virginity and the pain of childbirth, and goodness knows what else. And our getting attached and getting hurt is no different. Our ability to open up and be vunerable, despite the possibility of hurt, is our strength and an example for the male sex, not a weakness.
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