Is there such a thing as ethics when you're not in a commited relationship?

October 18, 2010

Ok, I need some advice and I'll try to make this as short and readable I can.

I've been seeing this woman for about a year. She had just ended a 21 year marriage. She stated from the get go that she didn't want to get into a committed relationship with anyone and that was cool with me at the time, plus she didn't want her 17 year old son to know about her dating anyone (too soon after the divorce, I guess). We saw each other once or twice a week for drinks or movie plus a make-out session which gradually led to us sleeping together from time to time. Pretty intimate, you know? Naturally, I did the wrong thing and I started falling in love with her despite her not wanting to "date". Everything was kind of secret because of her son (I work as a teacher and a coach at a local high school where he attends). That was the status quo which was not ideal, but what can I say? I really liked her.

Fast forward to Valentine's day weekend (we started going out in October). She told me that she was going to be MIA that week because she had a girlfriend coming in town that she wanted to spend time with, but she asked me to a Valentine's Day party that Saturday. Great! She really likes me, right? So I say, "No problem, I'll see you then." So Friday rolls around and I text her just to see if she and perhaps her friend want to go get a brewski or something. No big deal. She texts back, "Would, but can't." Nothing else. For whatever reason the hair on the back of my neck goes up, but I shake it off and tell myself I'm just being paranoid. No biggy, so I go shopping to buy her some Valentine's stuff. Nothing too over the top, just something to make her think I care about her. I'm not using the L word at all right now. With that task completed and since I didn't have anything else to do, I go out with a couple of friends of mine to a local nightclub to have a drink or two. Imagine my shock and disbelief when, 30 seconds after we arrive, I see the object of my affection out on the dance floor with this dude who I vaguely recall her and her friends hanging out with the previous summer (before we started seeing each other). I had thought at the time he was just a friend or something and didn't really think about it. This time, however, it did not appear to be just a friend thing. A lot of grinding and face caressing etc.

I too stunned to do anything. I watched them for a couple of minutes like it was a train wreck. Then, for about a nanosecond, she sees me and she immediately bolts off the dance floor with this dude right behind. I don't see them again so they must have left. She didn't know that I saw her, so I'm unsure how to play this. I mean, I'm supposed to go to a party with her the next night and give her gifts etc. I decide (probably wrongly) to let it go and see if she comes clean about it. She doesn't. She even asks me what I did Friday night, which she already knows because she saw me. I go to the party with her and when I take her back to her house all she says is, "You can't come in." No happy valentine's day or anything. I tried to rationalize everything by thinking this guy she was with the night before was just a friend. In hindsight, she was probably all flushed from the night before. I think she kind felt guilty about it because she came over the next day and we ate lunch and hung out, with her still not knowing what I know. I didn't want to bring it up because if I was wrong about the situation I would seem like a overbearing control nut because we weren't in a committed relationship.

Well, I end up busting her on it later in the next week and she said that this guy was from Boston and was getting a divorce but was just a friend (why would she tell me that he's getting a divorce?). I decided I had had enough so I plan on not really calling her anymore. She calls me back a week later and wants to mend fences. Stupidly, I go along (I really liked her) and we end up back at status quo, going out and sleeping together again etc.

Fast forward to May. I had asked her to go on a trip with me during the summer, so she said pull up a travel website and check it out on her laptop. When the site came up, there in the departure and destination boxes was the last item searched: Depature: Dallas 6/4, Destination: Boston from 6/4 to 6/7. My jaw dropped. When I asked her about it she says she's still friends with this guy (from valentine's day) and may go to Boston. I tell her that if she goes to Boston then I'm walking away. She said she was just thinking about it and decided not to go. Well to make an already too long story shorter, I encountered two friends of hers on two different occasions and they both said that this guys in it for the sex. I know I should have read the writing on the wall, but you want to think the best of people you love, you know. I've never been lied to like that by a girl. I did a little checking (know your enemy, right?) and this guy's still married and has four kids. He's still friends with his wife on facebook plus there's a pic of he and his wife there, too. When I asked her about it, she again said he's separated and his divorce is coming along but whatever she has with him will never turn into anything. So the veil at that point was lifted. There's a guy from Boston who's married and tells a woman that he's getting a divorce so that he can fly in and get some out of town nookie. And I can't do one thing about it except feel bad, because she and I aren't in a committed relationship.

OK (phew). Here's the ethics question: Because we're not bf/gf, do I have any right to question her on ANYTHING? Does she have a get out of jail free card because of this? I know a jury of our peers would think that my story is heartbreakingly tragic, but would they rule 12-0 in her favor and all I can do is say "Gee, this sucks?" I really think when there's sex involved, then the other person needs to inform the other what's up. If she had told me from the beginning that every now and then a guy from Boston will fly in to f**k her, then I never would have started anything with her in the first place.

To sum it up, I've told her she can have him and have gone no contact for the last two weeks. Recently, another friend of hers told me that this girl thinks the world of me and that I have treated her better than anyone in her life, but that she thinks that this Boston thing will work out for her. That's not what she told me. I'll probably defriend her and delete contact info as soon as I hear from some of you. Or do I still have a chance with this chick. Is she a compulsive liar? I'm tempted to contact this guy's wife via fb message and ask if they're really getting a divorce and could she shed some light on some things that I believe I've lied to about. Should I? I really need some closure here.

Advice please! Sorry to be so longwinded. Hopefully someone will stick with it and tell me what I probably already know. Don't be afraid of calling me a dumbass. If that's what I need, so be it. I might have left some things out, so feel free to ask a question or two. Thanks so much!

October 18, 2010

Are you entitled to know the truth and status of your relationship with her? Yes. Are you entitled to know if you're just a back up plan to Mr. Cheater out in Boston flying in for some sex with her from time to time? Yes. You love her, you treat her good, she doesn't appreciate you, and you're not happy with the "status quo." End whatever you two have and find someone else. Right now she's only keeping you around until this other guy leaves his wife like she's hoping he will. Your feelings will never be fully reciprocated by her.

October 18, 2010

Complete your task.

In the future, be clear about what *you* want. If that changes, communicate it. Understand that what you want may not align with what the other person wants. If so, be prepared to walk.

IMO, she probably went 'crazy' after a 21 year M and you're one of a small harem she's gone through. Seen it happen enough to know the signs. My now ex-wife explained it to me in detail about her crazy period after her second M ended. It is what it is.

Like I said, execute the healthy plan. If she changes her mind, well, I guess it's hers to change. That doesn't have anything to do with you, got it?

October 18, 2010

She was in a relationship for 21 years before you- that's pretty devastating to find yourself alone and back on the dating scene after that.

I am betting she really doesn't want to be involved with someone that could possibly provide something "real" after that.

I went a bit nutty after leaving an almost 10 year relationship. The last thing I wanted was to hook up with someone "promising" if that makes sense.

You should be making decisions at this point based on what is best for you and stick with that. If she doesn't fit the bill at this point (and she doesn't), make the hard decision to move on.

October 18, 2010

This comment will probably get a lot of arguments - it usually does - but I'll say it anyway: there's no such thing as a casual relationship. I just don't believe that two people can have sex and then call it 'no big deal' or 'uncommitted', or 'casual' or whatever catch phrase they like to pin on it. At the very least, anyone who is sleeping with someone else should let them know if they're sleeping with other people because most people feel that sex is a form of commitment, whether it's stated or not. This applies to men and women alike. But if you notice, most people who are sleeping with more than one person at a time typically don't announce this because they know that most people aren't going to be okay with that.

I do think you have a very good chance of getting this woman back but you have to keep your distance for now, and you can't jump the next time she asks you to. She's going to get sick of this married guy, she's going to figure out that he's lying to her. And even if he isn't lying, she has no idea what she's dealing with being with a guy who's going through a divorce. It's all going to get very old.

My concerns at this point are that she doesn't seem to have very good ethics and you need to keep that in mind at all times when dealing with her. I can almost guarantee you that she'll be calling you again. If you agree to see her, don't act like you're excited about the idea, don't kiss or touch her, don't sleep with her, and don't act like you want to sleep with her. You should be very turned off by her behavior and you need to let her know that you are. Let her know that you have higher standards now than agreeing to an uncommitted relationship and that you're not going to tolerate someone sleeping around behind your back. In other words, make yourself less attainable, raise your standards and you might win her respect. If you win her respect, she will probably fall in love with you.

Patience and the element of surprise are the keys here. Patience in the sense that you need to sit it out and wait until she contacts you. Surprise in the sense that she thinks she's always had you eating out of the palm of her hand and you're not going to do that anymore when she's proven that you can't trust her.

October 19, 2010

Thanks so much for the insight. It's amazing that you guys seem to know so much from what I described. A couple of questions because I'm a little torn:

Can you all describe this "crazy period" that women go through after being in a relatonship for a long time? I mean, if a girl has been married to an ******* for 21 years, wouldn't she think that finding something real and promising would be a relief? Does this mean that she wants to sew as much wild oats as she can? I guess that's great and all, but won't she feel kind of empty doing all that, especially at her age (43)? That's where I get confused, probably because I've never been there.

In regards to owning up to a sexual relationship, she is very evasive and defensive. She resents me questioning her integrity, if you can believe that. I guess she will never own up to anything unless I actually ask her, "Are you f**king this guy?" Even then she would try to sidestep. I'm going to continue NC with her, mainly because I'm a little disgusted. OK, a lot disgusted. As I said, several of her friends told me that this guy comes into town to have sex with her. I know its true, but I would like to hear it from her mouth. I know, fat chance, right?

I know I need to move on, but like Angel1111 said, I have like an inkling of hope that it can turn around if she realizes what she's losing.

What about asking this Boston guy's wife the skinny on this relationship? I feel like I need the curtain pulled back on all this to really know what I'm dealing with. Is that being short sited? Will that blow up in my face? I don't know. I'm kind of a muddle of emotion right now. Do you guys have anything else besides what you've told me? So far you all have been extremely helpful.

October 19, 2010

Can you all describe this "crazy period" that women go through after being in a relatonship for a long time?

Some people, when they've felt starved for validation, attention and care, or have been betrayed by infidelity, are almost like a dehydrated person in the desert stumbling upon a spring. They drink and drink and drink until they throw up and then drink some more. It's like a psychological rubber band. An alcoholic falling off the wagon. Me eating a whole bag of Smarties and making myself sick

Seriously, IME, this is more *likely* to happen to a woman married for many years and in her late 30's to 50's. It's also happened with women who are still married but 'testing the waters'. I caught one of those recently. They're a formidable force. Given that women can generally find a willing *sexual* partner any time they want, it's easy to become gluttonous if they temporarily have no 'off' switch. Just imagine if every time you got a hard-on, you could f*ck, and had been denying that part of yourself, or your more elemental spirit, for years in an unhealthy marriage. Like Kramer on Seinfeld, *I'm out!*

October 19, 2010

What about asking this Boston guy's wife the skinny on this relationship?

Yes ask her! If for no other reason than to ease your mind one way or another!

October 19, 2010

What about asking this Boston guy's wife the skinny on this relationship? I feel like I need the curtain pulled back on all this to really know what I'm dealing with. Is that being short sited? Will that blow up in my face? I don't know. I'm kind of a muddle of emotion right now. Do you guys have anything else besides what you've told me? So far you all have been extremely helpful.

No - you need to disengage from this situation completely. The MM doesn't matter, his wife doesn't matter, none of it matters. Set this woman free and don't let her back into your life anytime soon.

Whether you understand her actions or not, she has made the choice to behave this way. The more you try to talk her into doing something else, the more you try to intervene or inject yourself into the situation, the more you involve yourself - the worse it will get. What you see as destructive behavior may just be fun to her. She may have gotten married early in life, may have been miserable all that time, and now may just be enjoying her freedom. The problem is, she needs to figure out that sleeping with several guys, or sleeping with married men is just going to end up screwing up her head and her life. But she has to learn that in her own way.

The truth is, you may or may not be the guy for her. You want something serious and she knows it. This is a turn-off for her so the sooner you show her that you're willing to walk away, the sooner you have a chance of fixing things. But you do understand that she won't be ready for a long-term relationship for a long time, right? She's fresh out of one already and needs to take a breather. My sister left her husband after 24 yrs and she said it took about 5 yrs to be in a place where she was really ready for another relationship. This woman may or may not come back to you. Only time will tell. But, again, you have to ask yourself how much you want to be with a person who has betrayed you; how much you want to be with a person who's in this state of mind at this point in time. If you're that devoted, then be prepared to wait.

October 20, 2010

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I just can't keep from wondering how a person can be that emotionally detatched from someone that they have been seeing for a year. It's difficult to believe I mean that little to her. I know, I'm at a different place than her, but surely she values me more than, "Oh well, it's his own fault for falling for me." I mean, Christ. I honestly don't know how people live with themselves.

Part of me wants to wait it out and part of me wants scorched earth. That's why I was tempted to fb message his supposedly soon to be ex-wife and ask what the nature of this relationship is, or if she knows anything at all. I go back and forth from sensible conservative to irrational (or not-as-rational) need to know answers guy. I mean, if she's not going to come clean with it, shouldn't I get the scoop from someone who's also directly involved? Aren't I owed any explanation? See, I'm being irrational again. Geez... Lord help me.

October 20, 2010

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I just can't keep from wondering how a person can be that emotionally detatched from someone that they have been seeing for a year. It's difficult to believe I mean that little to her. I know, I'm at a different place than her, but surely she values me more than, "Oh well, it's his own fault for falling for me." I mean, Christ. I honestly don't know how people live with themselves.
Part of me wants to wait it out and part of me wants scorched earth. That's why I was tempted to fb message his supposedly soon to be ex-wife and ask what the nature of this relationship is, or if she knows anything at all. I go back and forth from sensible conservative to irrational (or not-as-rational) need to know answers guy. I mean, if she's not going to come clean with it, shouldn't I get the scoop from someone who's also directly involved? Aren't I owed any explanation? See, I'm being irrational again. Geez... Lord help me.

No... don't talk to the guys wife. You don't know anything about what your FWB and he have going on.

Look guy... it's been a year. Do you really want to waste your life waiting around for her to screw her head on straight? You've basically been an emotional crutch to keep her from dealing with her issues.

I'd say you should take a break from her and see how real your feelings actually are. I think if she really, really cared about you... then you would be a secret to anybody.

Also... any woman capable of this type of behavior... is pretty much S*** and not worth the emotion.

October 20, 2010

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I just can't keep from wondering how a person can be that emotionally detatched from someone that they have been seeing for a year. It's difficult to believe I mean that little to her. I know, I'm at a different place than her, but surely she values me more than, "Oh well, it's his own fault for falling for me." I mean, Christ. I honestly don't know how people live with themselves.

Part of me wants to wait it out and part of me wants scorched earth. That's why I was tempted to fb message his supposedly soon to be ex-wife and ask what the nature of this relationship is, or if she knows anything at all. I go back and forth from sensible conservative to irrational (or not-as-rational) need to know answers guy. I mean, if she's not going to come clean with it, shouldn't I get the scoop from someone who's also directly involved? Aren't I owed any explanation? See, I'm being irrational again. Geez... Lord help me.

No, you shouldn't get the scoop from the MM's wife because you would be getting into territory that's not your business. That would be like calling your gf's mother and discussing the situation with her. I think the real reason you want to contact the MM's wife is so that you can stir things up and create a mess for the MM. But, if her relationship with the MM ends, all you'll end up doing is making her want him even more, and the affair will start up again in a month or so. She has to get tired of the situation all on her own, without your intervention. If you think you deserve an explanation, then talk to your gf, let her know what you know and go from there. I don't think you want to do that, though, because you know that if she lied or insisted on continuing to see the MM, you'd be forced to end the relationship with her, and you don't want to do that. Trying to hedge around this isn't going to get you anywhere though.

The thing is, you're trying to make sense out of the unsensible. You're trying to find logic in a illogical situation. Love and emotions are not logical and you're spinning your wheels trying to turn that fact around.

From where I'm standing, what I see is that this woman currently has low morals and ethics. Instead of trying to control her into doing what you want her to do, you would be better off just accepting that this relationship isn't what you thought it was. She has betrayed you, she has lied to you, she has done everything that should make you turn and run. You can't see that by walking away from her, you might actually surprise her and get her attention. She's never going to respect you as long as you stick around. Catch-22.

October 20, 2010

You and i have some similarities. Both educators. Had a girlfriend many years before my marriage who was pleased to have a choice of boyfriends (no sexual relationship). The difference is that she warned me upfront.

Right now you are a FWB. Why should she not cake eat?

October 20, 2010

I'm generally in favor of telling a BS the truth, but in this case, you just don't know what the truth is as far as the Boston guy's relationship with this woman. You may have a good guess, but you don't know. So NO, I'd say do NOT contact his wife in this case.

As for your relationship with her...yes, absolutely, you do have a right to know who else she's sleeping with. And you do have a right to ask where you stand with her, regardless of whether you're committed. The thing is...she has actually told you that last bit. I'm not minimizing the fact that she treated you badly, lied to you about what she hopes for from that guy and has used you as an emotional crutch - which doesn't make her sound so appealing, let me point out.

But...she hasn't lied to you about what she hopes for from you. It actually sounds like she's been pretty consistent about making it clear she doesn't want a committed relationship with you, and isn't going to. That's the kicker. I know it sucks and if you get to a place where you see her more clearly, perhaps you'll be able to find her less appealing too.

Edited October 20, 2010 by flying

October 20, 2010

Thanks to all of you. I knew I just needed to be hit over the head with a 2 x 4 to knock some sense into me. It's difficult to see things clearly when you're somewhat emotional. I'm not going to contact her anymore. She probably deserves everything she's going to get out of this other guy( 4 small stepkids, him paying $6000 a month for child support, and isn't Mass. an alimony state? They may be living in public housing.). Good luck with all that. She doesn't deserve me, though, after everything I've done for her. It's still tough to let go, but I need to do it to keep my own sanity.

October 20, 2010

OP,

this isn't a woman you really knew too well in the first place. She's an available chick who was hot to trot.

Of course if she puts out for you, you're going to roll with that, and the sex can lead to an emotional attachment. You started building a "relationship" up in your mind although you probably knew better than to do that, it's hard not to, in that situation.

Now you know something about this hot woman, that you didn't know before. She can't be trusted to tell you the truth. She can't be trusted to protect your heart.

But so what? She never promised those things to you in the first place.

October 21, 2010

Ethics in a non-committed relationship? Yes or not.

There are ethics involved in how to treat anyone, with respect, etc.

If I'm in a non-committed relationship, I can't expect fidelity, or that someone won't date someone else.....but if you lie to me, its disrespectful.

And although no committment is formed, I don't date someone who likes to go out on my dime and several other guys. I don't play that.

If someone wants to multi-date, then be up front and honest with me so I can make the decision to not waste anymore of my time.

So the only ethics involved in a non-committed relationship is the courtesy of the truth.

and if they lie about seeing other people, then they obviously see something wrong with it.

October 22, 2010

Alright then. It's OK if I wish a sh*tload of bad karma on them, isn't it?

October 22, 2010

The other guy's wife is really none of your business---but on the other hand you might be doing her a favor---by telling her what is going on, in that her H. is cheating on her.

I doubt if you are getting a straight story about the other guy, and your GF/XGF whatever she is at this point

Have you ever gone into why your GF left her mge.----did she cheat--did he cheat----does your GF have FOO issues that make her two-time---for that really is what she is doing to you

If she had nothing to hide---she wouldn't play games---and she wouldn't be lying to you---even tho you 2 are not in a committed relationship (supposedly)---you do have time invested in each other

I am not so sure this woman is someone you wanna spend the rest of your life with----just to much BS going on

There are way to many women out there who won't cause you these type of problems

It is very possible this guy from Boston caused your GF's mge. to break up----

October 23, 2010

I guess that's one of the main points. I would never have started anything up with her if I knew she was bonking someone else. I told her that up front. I said I don't want to be part of a thundering herd of dudes that were hustling to get into her pants. She was insulted by that insinuation and was taken aback by me questioning her "integrity". As for her previous marriage, she said her ex cheated on her. I believe she was separated when she met this guy from Boston so I don't think he was the cause. What does FOO mean?

I don't know. I just don't see how she can think that there is any future with this guy. I know, I know. Logic is not a player here. But come on, the dude has 4 small kids and lives 1500 miles away. Plus there's the wife or ex wife or whatever she is. How common is it for a dude to tell a girl he meets out of town that he's getting a divorce just so he can get into her jeans and have an out of town screw when he needs it? How can she not see through that? I'm asking someone. It really boggles the mind. Do any of you all know what kind of life this guy can expect after he supposedly gets a divorce? I'm hoping it's a sh*tty one, but I'm asking someone who might know.

October 23, 2010

FOO is Family Of Origin----does anyone in her family have major issues, with cheating, abandonment---lots of things---abuse---she may have residual problems from FOO issues

The other guy---ain't getting a divorce---believe it----its just a line to get into her pants---and she stupidly went with it

October 24, 2010

The overwhelming majority of responses here have been terrible. Look - it really is very simple. She told you upfront that she did not want a committed relationship. Everyone and their mother knows that when someone says they do not want a committed relationship that that means they do not want a monogamous boyfriend/girlfriend and all the jealousy and expectations that come with it. That is a completely normal desire after being in a marriage for 21 years! In fact, I would venture to say that most divorce's experience such a phase after their divorce. She told you this up front and you agreed. You knew what you were getting into. I don't understand this idea of some people "ok you don't want a committed relationship, thats fine, but we are going to be monogamous, Ill call you my girlfriend, its expected to spend valentines day together and give each other presents and eventually well get married and have kids." I mean - what part of "I DO NOT WANT A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP" did you not understand??

And then in your own words you disregarded what she told you initially and started to "fall for her" and of course want a committed relationship and because she didn't - now you are all pissed off at her with righteous anger as if she did something wrong.

I mean - you were fine with not having a committed relationship but expected her to be completely and 100% monogamous with you? She didn't want a committed relationship and so it is natural that she will be attracted to other men and act on that attraction without holding herself back. Of course she is sleeping with this guy from Boston - do you think he flies down there to play chess with her? The fact that he is married is totally irrelevant to you and to her. You keep asking what she expects out of a guy who is married with four kids and how she is going to get crushed or dissapointed - she dosent expect anything from him except sex and some good times! She knows he isnt going to get divorced and she dosent care because of the fact that you refuse to acknowledge - THAT SHE DOSENT WANT A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP - since she DOSENT WANT A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP with you or him or any man - the fact that he is married has to bearing on his ability to fly down and visit her and enjoy no strings attached sex and good times.

Why do you think you care about him but he dosent give a **** about you - its because he DOSENT WANT A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP with her either - he is married and is fine to just have a good time with her so you are totally irrelevant to him. If you had the same attitude as he did - which is basically what attitude she told you to adopt from day one when she said "I JUST GOT DIVORCED AND DONT WANT A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP" - then there would be no problem. Youd both be having fun with her and maybe with some other women as well.

Now of course she "lied" to you when she didn't just tell you right up front that "Im going to sleep with another guy tonight so I cant see you." Did you really expect her to say that? Would that have made you feel good? In that situation she was actually being courteous! She didnt have to tell you anything because she told you she didnt want a committed = monogamous relationship - so when people just "date" non-monogamously they are discrete. It would have been rude for her to say, i have another guy date because that would have made you feel bad so she told you she was meeting with a friend. That is completely normal and expected in a non-monogamous dating situation.

Now, since you ****ed up and fell in love with someone who told you from the get go upfront that she dosent want a committed relationship - instead of being a loser who spends his time how to plot destroying her life and his life because you are jealous of him and hurt that she dosent want to suddenly get married and be monogamous with you - cut her off, move on, and expend your energies getting a committed girlfriend that actually WANTS A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP instead of expecting a women WHO DOSENT WANT A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP to somehow change what she wants to suit you.

October 25, 2010

Look. I know I made the mistake of being a bit short sited in this situation. When you reach a level of intimacy with someone though, sometimes your emotions tend to cloud your judgement. I'm probably the only person on the planet that this has happened to, but I'm guessing not. I stated from the beginning that if she was going to have a physical relationship with someone else, then I was not going to be involved with her any more. She assured me that this guy was just a friend and she wasn't sleeping with him. I really believe that if you're sleeping with someone else, then you owe it to the other guy to let him know. If it's ok with him, fine, but he needs to be able to option out if he wants. I didn't want to be pushed to the sidelines when this guy came into town to have sex with her. I didn't want that mental picture. She could have told me, but I guess she wanted me around for something so she lied about it. I really don't think that was too courteous.

I know I don't have a leg to stand on. If you're not in a committed relationship then you can do anything you want, I guess. I don't know. I personally am a station to station guy. I can't sleep with more than one person at a time and feel good about it. I have trouble shelving my emotions when I'm intimate with someone. That's just me. I know, two different places.

That's why I asked the ethics question. From a lot of the responses, she is going through something that I've never experienced. That's fair. I just had a problem with her being taken aback by me questioning her integrity. Honestly, I really think that sleeping with a married dude, whether he's separated or not is not an example of high integrity or ethics. Either she nor he. It was probably wrong for me to be jealous over the whole thing, too. I think that I reacted like any normal guy would act if they found out that a girl they fell for was sleeping with someone else. Sorry if I wish failure on their um... whatever it is they're doing. That's just the way I feel. If that makes me a loser, then I guess I am. Any other losers out there?

October 25, 2010

Look. I know I made the mistake of being a bit short sited in this situation. When you reach a level of intimacy with someone though, sometimes your emotions tend to cloud your judgement. I'm probably the only person on the planet that this has happened to, but I'm guessing not. I stated from the beginning that if she was going to have a physical relationship with someone else, then I was not going to be involved with her any more. She assured me that this guy was just a friend and she wasn't sleeping with him. I really believe that if you're sleeping with someone else, then you owe it to the other guy to let him know. If it's ok with him, fine, but he needs to be able to option out if he wants. I didn't want to be pushed to the sidelines when this guy came into town to have sex with her. I didn't want that mental picture. She could have told me, but I guess she wanted me around for something so she lied about it. I really don't think that was too courteous.

I know I don't have a leg to stand on. If you're not in a committed relationship then you can do anything you want, I guess. I don't know. I personally am a station to station guy. I can't sleep with more than one person at a time and feel good about it. I have trouble shelving my emotions when I'm intimate with someone. That's just me. I know, two different places.

That's why I asked the ethics question. From a lot of the responses, she is going through something that I've never experienced. That's fair. I just had a problem with her being taken aback by me questioning her integrity. Honestly, I really think that sleeping with a married dude, whether he's separated or not is not an example of high integrity or ethics. Either she nor he. It was probably wrong for me to be jealous over the whole thing, too. I think that I reacted like any normal guy would act if they found out that a girl they fell for was sleeping with someone else. Sorry if I wish failure on their um... whatever it is they're doing. That's just the way I feel. If that makes me a loser, then I guess I am. Any other losers out there?

I dont think you are a loser but you are seeking more from this than she will give you.

October 25, 2010

The other guy---ain't getting a divorce---believe it----its just a line to get into her pants---and she stupidly went with it

Or maybe he didn't tell her that and they're just screwing around just because they want to.

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Is there such a thing as ethics when you're not in a commited relationship?

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