andylee123 Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 I am not sure if I am being unreasonable or not so I need some objective feed back to help me gain some perspective. I have been dating a man, long distance, for almost 3 years. He is currently in school for film and has 4 months left to complete. The plan is that when he is done he will move to my home town. The school he is attending is for film, he already has another degree. I didn't want him to go to school as I was tired of long distance but he pleaded with me to wait another year and so I have been. Not happily I will admit. I have two children and am a single mother. I also run a an insurance business. Last month, I was sexually assualted and was in a very bad way so I asked him to come and be with me. At first he objected and said he was too busy with a project but once I agreed to pay for his flight and threatened to break up with me, he came for 3 days. As soon as he came from his flight he crawled into bed with me (I hadn't slept for 48 hours) and tried to make out with me. I felt this was a little insensitive but I forgave him as he had not seen me in over a month. I had expected him to keep in close contact and had asked him to many times but since then he hasn't been calling often. ONce in the am for a few minutes and then sometimes at night, quite late. He explains that he is very busy as he is in an excelerated program and that he cannot leave his phone on during the day because they are always filming. Last weekend, my 7 year old son advised me that he is having suicidal thoughts and even called me at school to pick him up as he was afraid he would hurt himself. I am taking him to psychiatrists and spending a lot of time away from work to help him. I asked my boyfriend (actually fiancee but he hasn't told anyone this because he was too broke to buy me a ring) to come be with me and finish school another time as I felt I couldn't handle this on my own. He again is too busy and is unwilling to leave school as he has paid $60,000 for this program. I feel that money is not more important than people and if he truly loved me he would come and be my support for as long as I needed him to be. He feels that if I loved him I would not be giving him ultimatums and would wait the 4 months and quit making drama. As a side note - he had promised to come to me the year before but chose to go to school instead. Is it unreasonable to have asked him to leave school for me or is he a jerk who really is not that interested in anything other than himself?
Sabali Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 This guy does not really see himself with you forever considering: 1) he doesn't want to announce the engagement because he couldn't buy a ring. This is BS. If he saw you as forever, he wouldn't give a damn about announcing to the world that you will be his wife in the future despite not having a ring. 2). He can't find any time to talk with you. Filming all day? Sounds like an incredibly expensive project for school. In any event, if he can find enough time to eat and crap, he can find enough time to call you during the day and give quality phone time considering the distance. 3) This guy jumping in the bed after you being up 48hrs and after being sexually assaulted is just very weird behavior but not so much since it goes along with his other $#itty behavior. 4). He left for film school despite saying that he would stay near you. Now, I get the impression that you come across as quite needy and demanding. There are two sides to every story and we have to accept our side of the responsibility. For one, never tell a person to give up on their dreams. Never do this. A person's dreams is what drives them in life. It gives them something to live for. Never attempt to take this away or you could be met with insane opposition. You will be look negatively upon forever if you ask someone to do this. Either you try to work with them in accomplishing their dream or you find someone who has a dream more compatible for your lifestyle or desires. Yes, people are more important than money but a person's dream is invaluable so this is not a black and white situation. You have to be willing to compromise. He cannot fly to you at your every command. There are times where you must be strong and independent not to mention reasonable no matter how tough it is. Yes, the problem with your son is great but best helped by a psychiatrist. There is not much your BF can do for your child but you want him there for you which is understandable. I am sure there are times where he would like you at his side but cannot ask for you to do so. The problem here is that you have someone who is showing signs of not wanting to be with you like you want him to be with you and you are pushing it. I don't know the nature of your relationship but I get the feeling that this guy want to break away at least for a bit and you want to pull him towards you all the time. The bottom line is that you can't make someone want to be with you and resistance during a request for him to be at your side is a bad sign. That whole trying to have sex with you right off of the plane when he is supposed to have flown there to support you after a sexual assault just makes me feel creepy, personally.
Cracker Jack Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 You're not unreasonable. He's just not a good guy. I think you can do better.
Surrealist Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I second everything Sabali said. This is one reason why I personally would never engage someone in an LDR and discourage it all the same. Not to put blame on anyone other than to say, these relationships are difficult to maintain at best and with the problems you are having, it compounds the problems inherent in the relationship. Now I don't think this guy is being completely unreasonable. He may be strapped for cash with buying a ring and entering into a commitment to marry. He may realise that without a bloody good career in place, no marriage, particuarly one with children will survive. He may be ambitious and given the world we live in, I don't blame him! You will have to compromise as Sabali mentioned or consider your future with him. Saying that, you can hold on for four more months and then see what eventuates after he has completed his studies and then make a decision. I think making any life-changing decisions right now in the state of mind youre in currently, may not be ideal for you and him.
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