Girlfriend recently broke up with me last week. Still love her

[Confused but Strong]

Hello all,

 

I cannot believe I am actually posting here, but need to get the perspective of someone else besides my friends and family. Here is the situation and all the facts.

 

We had been dating for 6 months. I'm 29, she's 26. The first four months were awesome. We clicked on all cylinders. I know most guys claim to be gods gift to woman, but I can honestly say that I'm a great guy who is genuine, caring, and loyal. Her friends and family loved me and knew when she looked at me, she was head over heels for me. On the other hand, her ex boyfriend was a total ass who used to always yell and say cruel things to her. They had done a long distance relationship for three years than she finally came to terms with that being an unhealthy relationship and ended it. We met about 5 months after that and was concerned that I was a rebound a first, but she ensured me that was no way the case and in her mind that relationship was over way before that.

 

With all that said, we were great in the beginning. I almost got the sense from her that I was "too perfect" and that I had some major flaw she was waiting to be exposed. I am a low key guy and consider myself and old fashioned hopeless romantic type. I always did the little things to show her I cared not just to do it, but because I cared about her and she brought that out in me.

 

I had been in a previous relationship that ended 2.5 years before that and had finally gotten over that a month before I met my current ex. I was hesitant to rush into putting a label on the relationship and just wanted to take it slow and see where it went. Ultimately three months into it, at dinner one night she told me how she was in love with me and wanted this relationship to go the next level and be official. I felt the same way about taking the relationship forward, but held off on saying the "love" word. I felt it, but was hesitant to say so based on my past relationships. Things went great all spring and summer and ultimately began to crumble in late August.

 

Here's where the drama begins. The girlfriend broke up with me last week, a few days before my birthday and a week before I am to take a major certification test for my profession (there are 4 separate parts to this exam and she is in the same profession I am, so she knows what the whole process is like/how difficult the exam is). I knew she was upset I wasn't spending nearly as much time with her as I used to. She would bring it up and I would immediately dismiss it as "I know, but I have to study." She would apologize and change the topic. Obviously she had her fill and called it quits. She did it in person this past Sunday, but i was in shock/disbelief initially and before I fully heard her out, I asked her to leave and show herself out. I know I wasn't there physically there for her the last two months, but we always spoke daily on the phone and via "BBM" and the occasional emails back and forth during the day at work. I honestly thought she was fine and could deal with it.

 

Thats the beginning of the roller coaster ride this week. After she came over to my house Sunday, we hung out for a little then she dropped that bomb on me. She was like this is not working out for us. Between our jobs, you taking the exam, we don't have time for this. She was like I know I am being selfish and a total bitch, but I'm not happy. I got the whole "Your the best boyfriend I have ever had and I know I'm probably making the biggest mistake of my life letting you go right now" and the "Its not you its me" lines. I went from shock to disbelief to anger (I'm not a mean or vicious person, just under the circumstances i was obviously upset and angry). I knew I was probably going to say something I would regret and asked her kindly to leave and show herself out the front door while I went to my backyard to vent.

 

By Tuesday I was livid. I tend to convey my thoughts in writing and foolishly drafted an email venting my frustrations with her. I didn't say anything that was vicious, but more that I thought she was being a "selfish spoiled brat" that should understand what I'm going through. I was also an idiot and said that the last six months were a mistake and a waste of time and that I never wanted to see/speak with her again. Instead of sleeping on that, I fired the email off.

 

I forwarded the email to 2 of my close buddies for their thoughts. They thought what I said was very harsh too her, but I ultimately got what I was feeling across. After not hearing back from her for a few hours and thinking about everything, I emailed her back acknowledging that the email was harsh and a little mean, but that I stood by what I had felt overall. She responded back a little later that she understands why I am so upset and that she would call be after she left work to talk.

 

So she called later that evening. Started off politely, but I got answers to questions that I didn't want to hear and ultimately hung up on her. Basically she said that I had put no effort into the relationship and was no longer "fun". Somewhere over the last few weeks, she lost those feelings for me and was no longer in love with me. That proceeded with back and forth texts that went from good to bad. I ultimately said some things n the attempt to make her feel bad/regret leaving me (Yes I know I'm 29 and realized after how immature and childish that was). She called me again that evening and we talked for 15 minutes. I had gathered myself by this point and the call was as pleasant as could be under these circumstances and ended politely. One take away from that call that really chopped me in half and bruised my ego was when I asked her when she had told me these last few weeks that she loved/missed me if she meant it and she responded with "No, I just said it to say it. Thats why I had to break up with you because it killed me inside to do that to you." I was speechless, but appreciated the brute honesty.

 

We didn't speak for a few days until when I had contacted her on Friday to get back a review book for the exam I had given back to her. She had no problem with that and said to swing by her place. That was just an excuse for me to go and talk to her. Over that Wednesday and Thursday, I realized how much I loved this girl. I was honestly the idiot that ruined this relationship. All the warnings signs were there and I ignored/dismissed them. We went from sleeping over each others places at least 3-4 times a week to once in the last two months! I ultimately got lazy and had the attitude "Yeah she's been through this, she can deal with it". I shut her out and now I have lost her and am paying the ultimate price. I know I have a busy work schedule and need to study for the exam, but I should have better orgaized/prioritized my time. No reason I couldn't set up a schedule to spend one weeknight at her place and made sure I studied from 7-7 on the weekends and spend the rest of the night with her. I was lazy and I lost something great.

 

Anyways, when I got to her place and she opened the door, she took my breath away. Was only 5 days, but felt like I hadn't seen her in months and she looked gorgeous. I had that nervous feeling with the butterflies in my stomach like when we had our first date. We chatted about random stuff for a few minutes. I then proceed to tell her all of the above. I conveyed the sentiment that I knew everything I was saying was the old "too little, too late" adage. I think she was taken back by it and didn't expect that brutal honesty from me. I went on to say that I knew saying all of this could not reveres the damage that was done, but if there was ever a chance to take another crack at our relationship, I wouldn't be a fool and make those same mistakes.

 

I reiterated to her that I know this break is probably best right now with everything that we have going on and that my intentions weren't to go there and say what I said to win her back right away. I just wanted her to know that I realized it was me who pushed her away out of my own foolishness/lazyness. She looked like she was full of emotions. She said that she was open to revisit us again after our "busy season" with work this winter, but for now just needed her time alone. She also explained that she thought I lost interest/stopped caring for her because I did all of the little amazing things the first few months and it more or less stopped. She was like you are my best friend and its going to be so tough to not talk to me all the time. We had a long hug goodbye and I left. She ran out her door after she closed it to wish me good luck on my exam. Also, she did text message me "happy bday" on my birthday this week, but no call.

 

With my above thesis, I just want to get some independent advice/opinions from people. All of my friends and family really liked her. They all thought we were a perfect fit. After the events of this week, half my friends/family were like screw her. She wasn't understanding and knows what that test is like. If she really loved you, she would have stuck by your side. The other half were like if you love the girl and realized you screwed up, swallow your pride and go talk to her and communicate all that.

 

Do I call/text her at all this week to see how she's doing or totally cutoff contact? Most of my inner circle believes that I manned up and communicated to her that I indeed was the one that messed up. I should just give her the space she needs now and if she really loves me, she'll contact me and want to give this another shot. The other sentiment seems to believe that if I don't drop her a line every so often, it will show that I truly don't care and she'll move on.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I am head over heels for her and unfortunately it took all of this for me to realize that. Any advice/opinions welcome.

 

Thanks!

[Confused but Strong]

I know I wrote a very lengthy essay here, but if anyone could provide their thoughts on my situation, I would greatly appreciate it.

[Ajax]

Do I call/text her at all this week to see how she's doing or totally cutoff contact? Most of my inner circle believes that I manned up and communicated to her that I indeed was the one that messed up. I should just give her the space she needs now and if she really loves me, she'll contact me and want to give this another shot. The other sentiment seems to believe that if I don't drop her a line every so often, it will show that I truly don't care and she'll move on.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I am head over heels for her and unfortunately it took all of this for me to realize that. Any advice/opinions welcome.

 

Thanks!

 

I can see your dilema. I think I'd lean towards giving her time and space though. You told her you realized you were responsible for what happened and that things would be different. Hopefully it planted that idea in her head that will grow into wanting another chance at the relationship. But hope is a luxury that you can't afford to hold onto right now.

 

She said her feelings for you had changed. Maybe she was telling the truth about that and maybe she wasn't, but you have to respect her feelings even if you don't like it. Right now I think you need to begin the healing process. If she comes back, great. If not, you'll be further down the road to recovery. And for what it's worth, take it as a life lesson for your next relationship.

 

Good luck, Sir, and keep us posted as to what happens and how you're doing.

[Confused but Strong]

Thanks for the advice Ajax. What you said definitely makes sense and I'm leaning towards cutting off total contact. My biggest concern is that I told her I screwed up on communicating with her and don't want her to think that me not contacting her shows that I really don't care. Also, I spoke with her Friday in which I apologized for everything. If I don't hear anything back from here in the next week or so, does that mean she doesn't care or like you said, just a matter that she needs her time and space?

 

As far as responding to any of her texts/calls (if she does), should I respond right away or give it a few days and then contact her to see what's up. I just don't want to fall into that friend bucket.

 

I have never been like this before after a break up, just very frustrated. Again, I appreciate your advice.

[Ajax]

Thanks for the advice Ajax. What you said definitely makes sense and I'm leaning towards cutting off total contact. My biggest concern is that I told her I screwed up on communicating with her and don't want her to think that me not contacting her shows that I really don't care. Also, I spoke with her Friday in which I apologized for everything. If I don't hear anything back from here in the next week or so, does that mean she doesn't care or like you said, just a matter that she needs her time and space?

 

As far as responding to any of her texts/calls (if she does), should I respond right away or give it a few days and then contact her to see what's up. I just don't want to fall into that friend bucket.

 

I have never been like this before after a break up, just very frustrated. Again, I appreciate your advice.

 

 

Well in my case I've been in no contact for 7 weeks, and yes... it feels like she doesn't care or think about me anymore. So I definately get that aspect of it. In my situation she broke up with me because she had to "figure herself out." I told her that I wouldn't bother her anymore but that when she was ready she should give me a call. So I left the ball in her court and she hasn't done anything with it. It hurts and it's not easy.

 

If you can't be her friend then don't. There's no shame in that. I know how hard it is to give up hope, I'm still working through it myself, but you need to focus on yourself now. There's nothing more you can do to convince her to come back. If she does, she has to do it on her own. By responding to her contacts you're letting her ween herself off you slowly. It hurts you and makes it easier for her. I think that you need to break off contact and only respond if she's serious about getting back together.