Pieces Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Hello....I am writing in order to gain some perspective on why I do the things I do! I have had my heart smashed to bits by a man that I truly believed to be the love of my life. He was a self confessed commitment phobic and I did what I thought the right thing to do at that time....I left him to it after a 20 month long relationship with him. I created distance between us and he occasionally popped up after the first 4 months of our split....then one day last December he called me to tell me that he had slept with a girl from the work Christmas party and that he was going to start seeing her. We work in the same environment and that is how we first got together. I was devastated. He told me when we first broke up that if he wasn't with me, then he wouldn't be with anyone. Stupidly I believed that he couldn't be in a relationship until he sorted out the 'issues' that he was going through when we were together, but that appears to all be a load of bull. His circumstances had not altered one bit for him to be able to jump straight into a new relationship. I told him to never speak to me again. I arranged for a transfer at work; however there is a possibility that I may have to be in the same room as him this December in relation to our job. I am dreading this because I will have to speak to him and it's the last thing that I want to do. Since he told me about him moving on, I have not spoken to him. This will be a year in December. The last time that I saw him at work was the end of March. Since splitting with my ex I have lost a stone and a half, changed my hair from blonde to brunette, got my tongue pierced and got my bikes licence. I am a new person, but without fail, I think of him on a daily basis!!! I just feel so rejected and now I can't learn to love again. Every man that appears interested in me I push away immediately. I feel a sense of panic and that I may get trapped in a relationship that I don't want to be. I worry I will just be settling for someone that I can't love anywhere near as much as I loved him. I'm petrified of getting hurt again. I think I have turned into him. I think I am a commitment phobic and I am so scared of hurting others like he did to me. Please help.
summerl0vesyou Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 i totally know how you feel. and its completely natural to have such a reaction. the hard part, is realizing that who you become as a result is completely your choice. you can choose to forgive and say to yourself, hes just a human. and not the right one for me, even though I thought he was. Im wiser now to see that if someone doesnt want to be with ME forever and commit to ME, and thats what I want, then its time to look forward to finding the RIGHT ONE because the right one WILL want those things. Thats how Ive gotten to a better place. I used to be really mad at my ex. he promised to always be here for me, love me forever, never date anyone ever again. But he would never spend the night with me and said he would never get married. Its nice when they make fancy promises but you have to remember, if they were truly the right one, they would have been there. But Ive also come to realize that he is HUMAN. i used to be very angry about his broken promises, but I realized that everyone makes mistakes. Should I hate him for it? No way. He probly meant it when he said it. Maybe yours did too, you know? Maybe he just realized it wasnt right, before you were able to. Im in the same place as you regarding new relationships. I dont want a BF at all, and ive always been the type to be in relationships back to back. Ive barely been single since I was 12! Maybe a couple months here and there. Now im 21 and at the supposed best time of my life but i want nothing to do with men. I also hold the belief that I wont love anyone else like I loved him. Ive also come to terms in my head that I wont ever get married, for that reason. Give it time. Of course you are upset right now. Just focus on you, what you like to do. Just dont be bitter. Your ex is a human that made a mistake...once you find forgiveness, the rest will fall into place over time. He deserves to be happy, as do you. all of us really just want the same thing at the end of the day. we will find our way back, just remember that YOU are the most important thing right now, and YOU dont want to hold bitterness because its not good for you. dont worry about other guys. take care of yourself
mickleb Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 The good thing is that you have realised this. Try reading 'He's Scared, She's Scared' by Stephen Sokol to learn more about how this can happen and what you can do to manage it. Take care. x
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