Hold fast Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Following the turmoil earlier in the week which I posted here (under dumped on way to work). I have spoken to my MM. There is a lot to deal with and a lot to decide but I wondered if anyone could translate this one thing he said. He used to say he loved me,in fact he said it first,since leaving his wifehe hasn't said it. I asked why and he said it hurt to say it. What does that mean in the opinioon of Loveshack? He doesn't know what he wants from the futire and is taking one moment at a time. I have lost a lot of my trust and faith in him following his behaviour this week.
Silly_Girl Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Following the turmoil earlier in the week which I posted here (under dumped on way to work). I have spoken to my MM. There is a lot to deal with and a lot to decide but I wondered if anyone could translate this one thing he said. He used to say he loved me,in fact he said it first,since leaving his wifehe hasn't said it. I asked why and he said it hurt to say it. What does that mean in the opinioon of Loveshack? He doesn't know what he wants from the futire and is taking one moment at a time. I have lost a lot of my trust and faith in him following his behaviour this week. I don't know, I can't mind-read - wish I could!!! Is it possible it was easy(-er) to say it when it wasn't real as such. When it was all pie in the sky, fantasyland? Maybe now, because he's so unsure, it is a much bigger deal to say (and mean) those 3 little words. Maybe he's so bogged down in his own introspection there just isn't a place for those declarations. Sounds tough on you. Did he say anything else when you spoke? How do you feel?
Fieldsofgold Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 (edited) Here's what I've read. MM can say anything, because they are married and living with wife, they can't be expected to follow it up with action. Single guys are much more careful about saying things, like "I love you," because when they do, corresponding actions are expected of them. A MM can say "I love you, I wish I could spend the rest of my life with you," but he has a built-in excuse why he can't do that - wife/children/financial responsibilities, and all the other excuses they make for not leaving. Single guy says "I love you, I wish I could spend the rest of my life with you," the lady starts looking at rings, bridal gowns, apartments and baby names. He is expected to take some kind of action based on his words, and does not have the built-in conveniences for not being able to back up his words with actions. I think the MM may be afraid to say those words because he may be afraid you now want his actions to match. Or he could be having second thoughts/remorse about leaving his wife, or regrets about having an affair. Just my thoughts. Edited October 17, 2010 by Fieldsofgold
jj33 Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Im taking it one moment at a time can mean: 1. Im confused and I need time to sort myself out, but stay with me while I figure it out please. 2. Im not really that confused, I just need an excuse to keep you in the A. You know this man, if you have lost faith, that is not good. You have two optoins. 1. Stay and see if he gets less confused in time (I couldnt deal with that myself but some can) 2. Tell him you love him but until he knows what he wants and that is to be with you, you need to step back. Personally if I love someone and they arent clear about the fact that I am the best thing that ever happened to them, then Im not interested in hanging around while they clarify things. Or if they know it but dont know what to do about it, I lose patience but that is just me. I like to see action. Words sound good but can keep you stuck in an unfulfilling situation. If youve lost faith, then I think you need to step back. He may be sincere but only he can figure out his confusion. Take good care
jennie-jennie Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Perhaps it hurts to say "I love you" when he knows he is not being true to that feeling. When he knows he is letting other things be more important than his love for you.
scatterd Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 FeildsOfGold has a good reason for this and it makes since I cant think of anything else why he would not say it now.I have read alot here about when mm leaves how they go through alot to get over Divorice and then they end up going back.Have you asked him why it hurts to say it?Good Luck hope you find the answer
jj33 Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Honey I think you are focusing on the minutae. He dumped you on your way to work. Leaving you to pick up the peices as you got to your office and put on a brave face during the day, leaving no time for discussion. He chose to go back to his wife. Whether or not he says he loves you doesnt matter. he may have stopped saying it because even tho he does love you, he knows he isnt acting on it and doesnt want to lead you on further. Love is not always enough. He may be prioritizing other things over love but that is his choice and there really isnt anything you can do to change that. You know he loved you and Im sure still does love you. he just doesnt want what you want at this point in time.
Silly_Girl Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Love is not always enough. He may be prioritizing other things over love but that is his choice and there really isnt anything you can do to change that. You know he loved you and Im sure still does love you. he just doesnt want what you want at this point in time. Wow. I love this. Puts it so simply and the above could apply to half the OW posts on here. For those trying to make the break I reckon this could be a post-it on the fridge type quote. Hugs.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Honey I think you are focusing on the minutae. He dumped you on your way to work. Leaving you to pick up the peices as you got to your office and put on a brave face during the day, leaving no time for discussion. He chose to go back to his wife. Whether or not he says he loves you doesnt matter. he may have stopped saying it because even tho he does love you, he knows he isnt acting on it and doesnt want to lead you on further. Love is not always enough. He may be prioritizing other things over love but that is his choice and there really isnt anything you can do to change that. You know he loved you and Im sure still does love you. he just doesnt want what you want at this point in time. Profoundly wise. SG, you're right. This could be a post-it quote.
jj33 Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Thanks guys. All this time later I still have to remind myself of that from time to time and mutter "he is no longer apart of my life but I wish him well with his..." ugh. These things are hard to shake. Holdfast I found saying that last bit out loud really helped me. Lika a mantra. I used to get tears in my eyes as i said it even if I was walking down the street but i said it over and over again until it didnt hurt. Now I just mutter to remind myself that it is what it is despite his sometimes azzhat (nod to BB who likes that word) behavior.
MorningCoffee Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Honey I think you are focusing on the minutae. He dumped you on your way to work. Leaving you to pick up the peices as you got to your office and put on a brave face during the day, leaving no time for discussion. He chose to go back to his wife. Whether or not he says he loves you doesnt matter. he may have stopped saying it because even tho he does love you, he knows he isnt acting on it and doesnt want to lead you on further. Love is not always enough. He may be prioritizing other things over love but that is his choice and there really isnt anything you can do to change that. You know he loved you and Im sure still does love you. he just doesnt want what you want at this point in time. Excellent, JJ. As a reminder to myself, I printed out (after revised "she" for "he", etc. to refer to my ex-AP/MW) and posted on my fridge the last two paragraphs - very wise words. Thanks.
fooled once Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Here's what I've read. MM can say anything, because they are married and living with wife, they can't be expected to follow it up with action. Single guys are much more careful about saying things, like "I love you," because when they do, corresponding actions are expected of them. A MM can say "I love you, I wish I could spend the rest of my life with you," but he has a built-in excuse why he can't do that - wife/children/financial responsibilities, and all the other excuses they make for not leaving. Single guy says "I love you, I wish I could spend the rest of my life with you," the lady starts looking at rings, bridal gowns, apartments and baby names. He is expected to take some kind of action based on his words, and does not have the built-in conveniences for not being able to back up his words with actions. I think the MM may be afraid to say those words because he may be afraid you now want his actions to match. Or he could be having second thoughts/remorse about leaving his wife, or regrets about having an affair. Just my thoughts. I really agree with this!
spice4life Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 (edited) Honey I think you are focusing on the minutae. He dumped you on your way to work. Leaving you to pick up the peices as you got to your office and put on a brave face during the day, leaving no time for discussion. He chose to go back to his wife. Whether or not he says he loves you doesnt matter. he may have stopped saying it because even tho he does love you, he knows he isnt acting on it and doesnt want to lead you on further. Love is not always enough. He may be prioritizing other things over love but that is his choice and there really isnt anything you can do to change that. You know he loved you and Im sure still does love you. he just doesnt want what you want at this point in time. I agree with this too. Unless his actions show you otherwise, this is probably true. However, you have every right to feel hurt and angry! Don't let his actions minimize how you feel. He handled this in a very cold and calculating manner. It was very disrespectful. Once the initial shock is over I think you will realize that you dodged a very big bullet. You sound like a very beautiful and wonderful woman and you do not deserve this kind of treatment. Take control of who you are and don't let him disrespect you like that again. Just because he doesn't know what he wants right now doesn't mean he can drag you down into his misery. It doesn't matter how confused he is, he could have handled this in a more respectable delicate manner and he needs to know that. There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself if he is treating you in a way that is less than you deserve. Being sympathetic is one thing, but being dragged into his confusion is another. Set a limit on what you will tolerate and stick to it. He will probably respect you for it. Edited October 18, 2010 by spice4life
Author Hold fast Posted October 18, 2010 Author Posted October 18, 2010 Thank you for your thoughts. It is kind of making sense now,additionally he said last night that the clock had only just started to tick for us and he had to keep his feelings in check to stay strong. I can understand that but also like you have said I can't sit about hoping he'll choose me,he's confused. So can I ask something that may be a topic for another thread and probably makes me look a bit stupid but so many talk about building self-esteem aand having a full life. Well what is that. I expect it's stuff like going to the gym,developing interests,keeping busy but I'll be honest that I don't think that'll do it. I really feel like I am missing the point to life,that there is something everyone else gets and I don't. I know asking this makes me look daft but any thoughts would help,me struggling here. By the way sorry for the sloppy title if this thread,it was meant to say 'help me translate this please?
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