I have disabled all my online dating accounts

[OceanGirl]

I can't do it anymore. I have recently failed to get excited at all about any guy that contacted me so I feel it's not fair to lead anyone on.

 

The only guy I really liked that I met through OLD ended up falling in love with someone else, proving me once and for all that it wasn't him it IS ME.

 

For some reason the combination of my looks/personality/presence/aura is defective in a way that I can't figure out. It is so defective that any man, apart from the most desparate ones is incapable of falling in love with me.

 

 

I give up.

[Knittress]

What's with the defective-talk? Let's open a bottle of wine and do our nails... it'll be a whole lot more satisfying than most first dates.

[Cracker Jack]

And this is why you need to seriously shift your focus from dating. You'll just keep on disappointing yourself when things don't go your way.

[tigressA]

There's nothing wrong with your looks. You're just insecure and sabotage things when they're not going exactly the way you want them to. And you don't even really know what you want much of the time.

 

I think it's good that you disabled your accounts.

[Titania22]

Please don't be disheartened.

 

But maybe you need to just take a break and not think about it for a while. I am sure you are a great girl. And to be honest I have never had any luck personally with online dating.

 

I have started joining groups on meetup.com, and meeting men with similar interests and beliefs.

[Surrealist]

But your sayin' that you're not getting excited over anyone contacting you online? Or you're not getting any spark because they are not showing genuine interest?

 

Personally I hate online dating. But I think its got a lot to do with where I live - namely Canberra.

 

Also going by my Ex's experience, a lot of guys are just after the 'one thing' online, mostly.

[Cora]

Me too. I can relate to what you are saying. No more dating for me and I did what you did.....disabled all my online accounts. Dating isn't even fun for me anymore, it's depressing. I found myself starting to place all men into one category which wasn't a good category. That was my cue that enough was enough! I am just now learning to accept being single. Even if I am meant to be single for the rest of my life then so be it. It's too draining to get caught up in all the feelings and emotions only to be hurt in the end. I, like you, met someone online who I really liked, but he fell in love with someone else and told me he could never be anymore with me than just friends.....but eh that's life.

 

So what if I look around and see all my friends in relationships, dating etc. and having a blast! Apparently it's just not for me. It's not meant to be and I can accept that. I'm sick and tired of trying. I can save myself a whole lot of heartbreak if I just don't bother getting attached to anyone ever again.

[OceanGirl]

But your sayin' that you're not getting excited over anyone contacting you online? Or you're not getting any spark because they are not showing genuine interest?

 

Personally I hate online dating. But I think its got a lot to do with where I live - namely Canberra.

 

Also going by my Ex's experience, a lot of guys are just after the 'one thing' online, mostly.

 

Ha - cool to see another Australian.

 

I am saying that I am not feeling anything anymore. I dated 2 guys for a month. One dumped me (and I REALLY liked him) and he ended up falling for someone else so I can't help wondering what is wrong with me and why did he choose this other girl.

 

With the other, I don't beleive that either of us were all that interested and I suggested that we end it - to which he didn't really have any objections.

 

I just really want to fall in love, with someone that will love me back even for a few months.

[OceanGirl]

There's nothing wrong with your looks. You're just insecure and sabotage things when they're not going exactly the way you want them to. And you don't even really know what you want much of the time.

 

I think it's good that you disabled your accounts.

 

 

Sigh.

 

I pretty much agree with everything you say. I don't know what I want much of the time and I do end up sabotaging myself out of fear of loss

[OceanGirl]

Me too. I can relate to what you are saying. No more dating for me and I did what you did.....disabled all my online accounts. Dating isn't even fun for me anymore, it's depressing. I found myself starting to place all men into one category which wasn't a good category. That was my cue that enough was enough! I am just now learning to accept being single. Even if I am meant to be single for the rest of my life then so be it. It's too draining to get caught up in all the feelings and emotions only to be hurt in the end. I, like you, met someone online who I really liked, but he fell in love with someone else and told me he could never be anymore with me than just friends.....but eh that's life.

 

So what if I look around and see all my friends in relationships, dating etc. and having a blast! Apparently it's just not for me. It's not meant to be and I can accept that. I'm sick and tired of trying. I can save myself a whole lot of heartbreak if I just don't bother getting attached to anyone ever again.

 

Yeah Cora, I relate to what you are saying.

 

I have known lots of girls that were single and had "bad luck" for a certain period of time. Then they met someone and the rest is history.

 

I am 31 now. It just never happens for me. Each time I start to like a guy, I keep hoping - maybe this is it. Maybe it's finally my turn. But it NEVER is. I mean, it's really getting ridiculous.

 

LTR or marriage is like flying to the moon for me. I am terrified that I will end up dying without knowing what falling in love really is (and I don't count unrequited love, FWBs, getting strung along in pseudo-relationships and the like).

 

I try to be happy with other things in my life, but really I feel like a part of me can never truly be happy single. And I have no idea what to do anymore. Trying OLD was the last frontier for me. Now that it failed, I am lost.

[Surrealist]

We can all feel like that, so you're in good company here on the forum. What activities do you do or places you go?

 

Tonight i was in K-mart and there was a blonde woman serving me (Im not prejudiced towards blondes either) , she was very smiley with me, I could of probably asked her there and then and could of got something. But urgh, was in a hurry so didn't bother.

 

There has to be places offline in the real-world apart from seedy clubs and places like that.

 

Man that's what I was gonna say as well.... there's so many couples where I live, everywhere in shopping centres, people smooching and cuddling, its like damn where do all these people find each other!

 

Got to say, the dating world in general does seem a little more ruthless these days. I acknowledge not for everybody but for a lot more people than in years gone by.

[OceanGirl]

We can all feel like that, so you're in good company here on the forum. What activities do you do or places you go?

 

Tonight i was in K-mart and there was a blonde woman serving me (Im not prejudiced towards blondes either) , she was very smiley with me, I could of probably asked her there and then and could of got something. But urgh, was in a hurry so didn't bother.

 

There has to be places offline in the real-world apart from seedy clubs and places like that.

 

Man that's what I was gonna say as well.... there's so many couples where I live, everywhere in shopping centres, people smooching and cuddling, its like damn where do all these people find each other!

 

Got to say, the dating world in general does seem a little more ruthless these days. I acknowledge not for everybody but for a lot more people than in years gone by.

 

It doesn't help that my "hobbies" are pretty solitary. I like swimming, reading, taking walks, going to the cinema or theatre. It's hard to just meet people doing any of those things.

 

Also, literally every guy I work with is married. As a female, I am kind of limited to waiting for guys to ask me out which can suck. I am feeling particularly down tonight. I am not this bad every day.

[Titania22]

As a female, I am kind of limited to waiting for guys to ask me out which can suck.

 

 

I don't get why, in the 21st century, you are limited to waiting for guys to ask you out.

 

If you actually see or met a guy you thought you could be interested in, I challenge you to talk to him, and even ask him out. Taking the initiative, even if it leads to rejection, is incredibly empowering and exhilarating.

[OceanGirl]

I don't get why, in the 21st century, you are limited to waiting for guys to ask you out.

 

If you actually see or met a guy you thought you could be interested in, I challenge you to talk to him, and even ask him out. Taking the initiative, even if it leads to rejection, is incredibly empowering and exhilarating.

 

I have done that and the problem is, I never get outright rejected. I end up being strung along instead or used as option Z.

 

Unfortunately as old fashioned as it sounds, all the guys that were seriously interested in me in the past ended up asking me out first.

[Titania22]

I have done that and the problem is, I never get outright rejected. I end up being strung along instead or used as option Z.

 

Unfortunately as old fashioned as it sounds, all the guys that were seriously interested in me in the past ended up asking me out first.

 

I'm curious, what's option Z? Is that like a last resort?

 

That's really wussy of those guys, to string you along.

[OceanGirl]

I'm curious, what's option Z? Is that like a last resort?

 

That's really wussy of those guys, to string you along.

 

Yeah, it's the last resort. I am sure some are being wussy but others see it as an opportunity for easy sex

[irc333]

Yeah, there's usually an "Event" that "peaks" then the bubble is burst if it doesn't work out.

 

Like, with me, with all these women I meet that dont reply or diliberately loose touch, there was one woman I found that I thought would really be "the one", beause we clicked so great on our date....we even kissed nicely. The chemistry was relly flowing and we got each other's sense of humor (among other things), it was great to find someone that "GETS" you.

 

Then she blew me off later on.

 

I took a break from online dating after that.

 

You're like "Man, I've met all these people online, countless emails back and forth, finall found a woman that was interested, and get to the point where I take it to the next level"

 

Then THAT one winds up to be the greatest disappointment.

 

Usually that cuases someone to stop online dating.

 

 

I can't do it anymore. I have recently failed to get excited at all about any guy that contacted me so I feel it's not fair to lead anyone on.

 

The only guy I really liked that I met through OLD ended up falling in love with someone else, proving me once and for all that it wasn't him it IS ME.

 

For some reason the combination of my looks/personality/presence/aura is defective in a way that I can't figure out. It is so defective that any man, apart from the most desparate ones is incapable of falling in love with me.

 

 

I give up.

[OceanGirl]

True. I was hoping that I will be able to feel the same about men that I met afterwards...but it just wasn't there. From there, I got to feeling so flat that I didn't even want to respond to the messages let alone on dates. Not to mention that I kept seeing all the same people and I have pretty much already met up with everyone that I wanted to meet up with.

 

The only positive thing is that my feelings for that guy helped me get over my 4-year crush on my boss (who is married BTW).

[Mellisa]

How long has it been since the last time you were in love and sure the other person was in love with you too? Dont let some guys who failed to discover your uniqness and beauty discorage you from going out to find the ones that will.I get that feeling feeling that you are not good enough, that you are not pretty enough and it can be a little ego bruising.I can relate to that feeling myself. I'm quite on the opposite. Havent dated a lot of guys.Before went out dating, i actually had thought that i could get any guy i want and after a few encounters with guys that are just not that into me(had 2) i realized some guys just dont see in you what they want. It's nothing personal just you might not fit in that certain type like blonde with long legs and big breats etc.Nobody can be everything to everybody.No one is perfect with that model/hollyhood actress looks/auras. But you can be you with confidence and self love.Like the old saying goes, you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. You have to think attractive before you can attract people.

 

And those who cant see in you the beauties are not the ones for you. You have to believe they are out there somewhere,someone who will find you attractive and love you for who you are despite all the imperfections.Isnt it something worth the journey to find out?

 

There is nothing more beautiful than a women who is confident and comfortable in her own skin.Dont lose the heart and you can be that woman.

[Scottdmw]

Ha - cool to see another Australian.

 

I am saying that I am not feeling anything anymore. I dated 2 guys for a month. One dumped me (and I REALLY liked him) and he ended up falling for someone else so I can't help wondering what is wrong with me and why did he choose this other girl.

 

With the other, I don't beleive that either of us were all that interested and I suggested that we end it - to which he didn't really have any objections.

 

I just really want to fall in love, with someone that will love me back even for a few months.

 

In my opinion, here's the basic problem with online dating.

 

In OLD as in life, there is a small subset of men and women who are the really attractive ones that everyone would like to date. The difference between the two is that the attractive women want a relationship, while the really attractive men by and large would accept a relationship but really enjoy playing the field too.

 

The really attractive men thus have a kid in a candy store mentality. Each woman on the site looks at their profile and thinks “here is finally what I'm looking for-- a man that is quite tall, attractive, good job, not weird, interesting, no problems, etc.”. She compares this man to the other men on the site and they seem like they're not very attractive to her. What the woman does not realize is that every other woman on the site is looking for the same things she is, and only a small percentage of men meet all those qualifications.

 

That is a key point. If as a woman you are looking for a man who is all those things, realize that probably only 5% of men have them all.

 

So, the top 5% of the men are pretty much desired by all the women. And, they are willing to date as many of the women as they can.

 

What this all looks like from a woman's point of view is that there are few men that are interesting online. Sometimes she can get a few dates with one and maybe sleep with him, but he never wants a relationship. Women, like you, then feel like they're not attractive enough. You don't realize that you are literally competing against dozens of other women, a situation which would not really occur in real life since it wouldn't be so easy for the man to rapidly find so many women to date.

 

The vast majority of the men meanwhile, who are perfectly normal, get very little if any attention from women at all. In the real world they can be attractive with their personality and presence, but on a computer screen they don't look that way. These are the men that the women really have potential to have relationships with, but the two very rarely meet because most of the women are spending all their energy competing to get a small subset of the men.

 

At the end of all this almost no one is really happy, and very few relationships result.

 

The obvious advice is, as much as it may not seem fun, you need to “force” yourself to meet in person for one hour with some of the men you do not find attractive online, but who otherwise have things in common with you. I'm not suggesting you compromise or settle and actually date someone you don't find attractive. But, I'm suggesting that if you met these guys in person you might feel differently. If you did, you would have a far higher chance of getting a relationship with one than with a man that seems attractive to you online. Any man that can seem attractive online to you, without the benefit of his physical presence and the interaction a personal meeting provides, is probably way out of your league in real life.

 

Scott

[Mellisa]

The only positive thing is that my feelings for that guy helped me get over my 4-year crush on my boss (who is married BTW).

 

I went out with a guy from an online dating site to get over a crush i had on a colleague. Got myself involved only to find out he was married!(the guy from the site not the colleague).The leaving brit was also from a dating site(i joined up 2 dating sites) who texted me that shocking message right after our third date that he's leaving in 3 weeks..So far i've only gone out with two guys from the dating sites and look how it turned out..But point is, if i still hang in there, why cant you? Good dates or bad dates, they are all part of the game!

[ascendotum]

In my opinion, here's the basic problem with online dating.

 

In OLD as in life, there is a small subset of men and women who are the really attractive ones that everyone would like to date. The difference between the two is that the attractive women want a relationship, while the really attractive men by and large would accept a relationship but really enjoy playing the field too.

 

The really attractive men thus have a kid in a candy store mentality. Each woman on the site looks at their profile and thinks “here is finally what I'm looking for-- a man that is quite tall, attractive, good job, not weird, interesting, no problems, etc.”. She compares this man to the other men on the site and they seem like they're not very attractive to her. What the woman does not realize is that every other woman on the site is looking for the same things she is, and only a small percentage of men meet all those qualifications.

 

That is a key point. If as a woman you are looking for a man who is all those things, realize that probably only 5% of men have them all.

 

So, the top 5% of the men are pretty much desired by all the women. And, they are willing to date as many of the women as they can.

 

What this all looks like from a woman's point of view is that there are few men that are interesting online. Sometimes she can get a few dates with one and maybe sleep with him, but he never wants a relationship. Women, like you, then feel like they're not attractive enough. You don't realize that you are literally competing against dozens of other women, a situation which would not really occur in real life since it wouldn't be so easy for the man to rapidly find so many women to date.

 

The vast majority of the men meanwhile, who are perfectly normal, get very little if any attention from women at all. In the real world they can be attractive with their personality and presence, but on a computer screen they don't look that way. These are the men that the women really have potential to have relationships with, but the two very rarely meet because most of the women are spending all their energy competing to get a small subset of the men.

 

At the end of all this almost no one is really happy, and very few relationships result.

 

The obvious advice is, as much as it may not seem fun, you need to “force” yourself to meet in person for one hour with some of the men you do not find attractive online, but who otherwise have things in common with you. I'm not suggesting you compromise or settle and actually date someone you don't find attractive. But, I'm suggesting that if you met these guys in person you might feel differently. If you did, you would have a far higher chance of getting a relationship with one than with a man that seems attractive to you online. Any man that can seem attractive online to you, without the benefit of his physical presence and the interaction a personal meeting provides, is probably way out of your league in real life.

 

Scott

 

Your opinion matches up exactly with mine. While one of my friends is still in a long-term relationship from an online date (took him 3 yrs and he had to compromise IMO) for most of the guys I know who have tried, thought it sucked, but a few love it and had a great time dating and sleeping with many women. This 20% seem to have had 70% of the dates and 90% of the sex. Some of the guys who got no where with OLD in the past now also want to have some fun and now have a preference for dating/short-term only especially since they complain they have to date down, which just compounds the poor reputation of OLD.

 

The disappointing experiences of the women I know who have used OLD seem to because the 'awesome' guys they start dating turn out to have exaggerated about themselves, or get busted dating other women, or they flake on the relationship after a couple of months. One of them made the comment, after the latest guy got caught still trawling on-line, that if these great guys she specifically picks turn out to deadbeats, then imagine what all the other losers are like on the site. "sigh"