Author tigressA Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 Thanks, LL. C definitely understands my circumstances and that's why he said I should go despite his upset. He likes me to get away when I can manage it; he encourages it. I know he's wondered several times about what I do all day. It's easy for me to find things to occupy my time; I definitely don't sit around moping, it's just that I don't get out with friends as much as I would like. It's really different from being at school; I was surrounded by friends, I lived with friends. But now we're all scattered, doing different things, and it's hard to get together. It's part of life.
Author tigressA Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 I got a response to the email I sent C about my cancellation and explaining why. He said, "I really appreciate your thoughts. You're true to some extent in your reasoning (for cancelling) but at the same time I want you to go out and have fun. I trust you. If I can't trust you now then I can never trust you, so I have full confidence in you, just go ahead and don't cancel, you should go and see your friend. ((hugs)) I'm good, I'm very good now. In the morning I had very little sleep so that's why I was a little weird..." Sigh. I already canceled though, and asked another friend if she had time this weekend. I'm still waiting on that.
carhill Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Yep, OP, you and C and friend get together when he returns. Sounds win-win to me. That way, this issue won't come up again. However, absent a group situation, like multiple/mixed roomates or the friend being married/LTR'd, I would suggest not 'sleeping over' at a male friend's house if alone. . This is what hotels are for. If C is with you, no problem.
Author tigressA Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 Well, my friend still lives at home, so he doesn't live alone. It's a moot point though, since I'm not going. I made clear to C that I'm still not going, and I told him to not worry about me possibly not going out this weekend. I said, "I always find something to occupy my time. I'm resourceful like that." I know he'll still wonder, though. It's really sweet that he shows such consideration of me. So naturally I do the same for him. We spent quite a bit of time on Skype just now, and everything is good. This issue was really a non-issue compared to stuff we've gone through before. There was no yelling, no defensiveness, none of that crap we've resorted to in the past.
carhill Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Cool. Thanks for the information on your friend. Happy to read that. Have a great Sunday!
Sabali Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 This issue was really a non-issue compared to stuff we've gone through before. There was no yelling, no defensiveness, none of that crap we've resorted to in the past. Yeah but frequent little small "non-issues" do leave their mark and if enough marks are left, they begin to look big when you come to a crossroad in a relationship and decide if you want to continue to be with a person. What you think were small non-issues begin to become a part of collective weight against you. I believe that this whole thing should have not become an issue at all. Certain uneasiness in relationship can be avoided if you simply take time and ask yourself how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Tigress, I am getting the sense that this guy maybe having a hard time dating you but is trying to make it work but you are making it difficult for him. My belief is that A general plan of making yourself easy to date is a good template to work from. Just my two cents.
Author tigressA Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 It really was a non-issue. He insisted that he wasn't really upset; he just hadn't had a lot of sleep and that's why he was acting a bit weirdly. I did notice he had seemed a little faraway when we first started talking, before I even brought the whole thing up. I was just being honest and open with him about plans I had made; I thought he was upset, so out of consideration and respect I cancelled them. He said he trusts me and to go ahead and go, but I decided to stick with the cancellation. That's really all that happened. I don't see how that made me difficult.
sally4sara Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 It might just be because he doesn't know the guy at all. Its easy to assume the worst with a lack of information. Like one of my husband's exes from his teen years - he could go visit her for a weekend alone. She is very very attractive and he once upon a time thought he loved her. I would have no problem with it at all because she and I have developed a family like friendship over the last 4 years and I've seen their dynamic enough to not take issue at all. She even lived with us for 6 weeks during which I had to travel out of town while he stayed home. We invite her to family vacations. And she is single right now. I'd still be fine with it. But if it was someone I didn't know at all, even if they'd never dated in the past, I'd be uncomfortable about it. Not about what he would do while there, but what the girl in question might be thinking about his willingness to visit for a weekend. So I think its good that you put your visiting plans off till you can bring him along.
Sabali Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 That's really all that happened. I don't see how that made me difficult. I am just thinking of the issues thus far. I am sure you both would appreciate a good stretch in this relationship were every thing smells like roses and there are no issues. Just a good month or two were you both are simply on cloud 9. That's is all I have to say from now on. Best of luck to you and C.
souvlaki Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Straight up my first thought is that you're trying to create drama and make C jealous. Maybe not consciously, but there's no rational reason why you would feel motivated to do something so reckless and honestly insensitive. You may also be 'testing' him on some level. What does a visit constitute anyway? Would you be staying at his place? Later in the thread you state that C is far away and may be doing things with other girls for all you know. I think you're feeling anxious and maybe even a bit resentful because he's out of sight so you're preemptively tweaking him. You may also be using this "friend" as boyfriend filler in his absence. Check your real motives before you make another move. Don't do something careless and ruin a good relationship, if that's what you have.
souvlaki Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 I see what you mean. Obviously my relationship with C is really important to me and I want to respect it...But he isn't sitting alone though. He's surrounded by family and friends back in his home country. I'm the one sitting alone most of the time. Because of my circumstances (I don't drive yet) I hardly ever get out. And I live out in the boonies on top of it. Even in our normal circumstances, when we're an hour away from each other, he's got several friends/coworkers really close by who he hangs out with every night of the week after work. Granted, they're not female, but I don't have that kind of social circle. I relish the time I can get away. I think C realizes this and that's why he told me I "should go, and have fun", but he still can't let go of the jealousy. I think I'm kind of jealous of him. Because of his circumstances he has a rather vibrant social life, while I'm mostly bound to being a stay-at-home. I realize this situation is of my own making, but even remedying it by, say, getting my license, will take a little while longer, not to mention saving up for my own car. Funny, when I had only gotten through the first paragraph of this post and read about your bf's social life vs. yours I immediately though, "ah, she's jealous of him." That's another reason you probably want to see this friend. You're trying to one-up him.
Author tigressA Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 Souvlaki, I think your posts were being needlessly provocative. I didn't think that I was being reckless or insensitive. I was not using anyone, nor trying to one-up anyone. Someone just asked me for a weekend; I was free, my first thought was, "I really don't get out much, this would be fun". It was only when I brought up the idea with C, and I noticed he felt uncomfortable, that I thought there would be a problem. That's why I posted here. As far as the comment I made about him being far away, I also stated that I trust him and know that he wouldn't do anything to disrespect our relationship. I guess you missed that part.
souvlaki Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Souvlaki, I think your posts were being needlessly provocative. I didn't think that I was being reckless or insensitive. I was not using anyone, nor trying to one-up anyone. Someone just asked me for a weekend; I was free, my first thought was, "I really don't get out much, this would be fun". It was only when I brought up the idea with C, and I noticed he felt uncomfortable, that I thought there would be a problem. That's why I posted here. As far as the comment I made about him being far away, I also stated that I trust him and know that he wouldn't do anything to disrespect our relationship. I guess you missed that part. Sorry, I wasn't trying to provoke you, unless you mean provoke in the sense of make you question your motivations. But I apologize if I offended. I DO think it could be a wise learning experience for you if you take a closer look at your motivations on this one, because I sense larger issues brewing beneath the surface. Good luck.
threebyfate Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 I got a response to the email I sent C about my cancellation and explaining why. He said, "I really appreciate your thoughts. You're true to some extent in your reasoning (for cancelling) but at the same time I want you to go out and have fun. I trust you. If I can't trust you now then I can never trust you, so I have full confidence in you, just go ahead and don't cancel, you should go and see your friend. ((hugs)) I'm good, I'm very good now. In the morning I had very little sleep so that's why I was a little weird..." Sigh. I already canceled though, and asked another friend if she had time this weekend. I'm still waiting on that.Notice the give/give? Nicely done.
Author tigressA Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 Sorry, I wasn't trying to provoke you, unless you mean provoke in the sense of make you question your motivations. But I apologize if I offended. I DO think it could be a wise learning experience for you if you take a closer look at your motivations on this one, because I sense larger issues brewing beneath the surface. Good luck. All I wanted was to have a fun weekend because I don't get out much. I'm pretty isolated out here. Yeah, I'm a little jealous of C sometimes because he has more of a social life than I do, but that doesn't mean I wanted to one-up him. It didn't matter to me which friend I spent time with, as long as it was with a friend. I'm not about trying to provoke jealousy, or "testing". That's petty high-school stuff. C and I always tell each other about our plans; it wasn't something I just started doing. I saw that it bothered C, so that's why I posted, and ultimately decided to cancel once I saw the responses here and realized that I hadn't considered his feelings. If I had been at all concerned with stirring the pot, I would've continued along with my plans. I wouldn't have even posted here about it.
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