Joeschm0 Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 It's taken me a while to decide whether or not I was going to talk about this to ppl I don't even know, but the truth is I have no one else to talk to... I hope my post isn't too long cause I could really use some help. I was in a pretty great relationship for just under 2 years (my first long term relationship) and things started to go a bit sour. To be honest I feel as though most of this was because of the way I acted, often very distant and would sometimes shut her out and not want to talk etc. I know that especially late in the relationship I hurt her quite a bit with my behavior. All of this and yet I was the one who broke up with her 6 months ago. At the time I guess I thought that doing so would make me happier but in fact it had the reverse effect. It took me 2 weeks NC with her to realize I had made a mistake and tried to get her back, at first she wanted to try again but after her friends made her realize certain things she said she couldn't at that moment and needed time. Since then we've been talking maybe 1-2 times a week or so and I see her on occasion. Last week she told me shes come to realize that we're not going to be together again since I hurt her too much the first time. I understand this and fully realize what I did to her but I can't help but still want a second chance...I can't see myself finding anyone as good as her. I'm having a very difficult time dealing with this, I don't want to play the victim because I know I put myself in this situation and that I hurt her but I keep beating myself up over what I did and how I should've done things differently. I read this in another thread and thought it was the perfect description of my situation: "Depression is a beast. It changes people. My ex also shut me out, and it hurt. But that's what happens. Often times people who suffer from depression just don't have the energy to maintain their relationships, or they feel that they're not deserving of them. And unfortunately those of us who love them get hurt in the process." (posted by Ajax) When we were both together and happy there was nothing in the world that could stop us, but sometimes I felt depressed inside for absolutely no reason and I guess it caused me to shut out the only person who really loved me for me. I don't really know what to do at this point...
Ajax Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 I think at this point the most you can do is give her time. You said that you tried to get her to come back but she wouldn't... that puts the ball in her court. However... you are the dumper, and as many people have said in these posts, it's up to the dumper to come back breaking down their door begging for another chance if they want one. I don't think you should necessarily do that, but definately show her that you're serious about making positive changes in your life and how that would affect a future relationship with her. I think my ex did the same thing in breaking up with me as you did with yours... she thought she'd be happier without me in her life. I don't know if that worked or not, I like to think she was better off with me, but it was her choice. But I gotta tell you, being with someone who shuts you out and treats you like you're in the way has a tendency to cause their partner to be depressed too. It is not easy. Regardless, we still love our partners and would stick with them if they'd have let us. Keep that in mind... just because you may have periods when you think you don't deserve your partner or they'd be better off without you, doesn't mean that's how things really are. The only way to make it work is to talk to them and let them in, no matter how hard it is.
Author Joeschm0 Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 I want nothing more than to let her in and repair the relationship but it's difficult because I fear that I may have hurt her too much and that she doesn't want to risk going through that again. In fact, I sort of know that this is the case; when I asked more details as to why she didn't want to try again she never came out and said she didn't love me anymore, she told me that it hurt too much and that she didn't want to try again. This lead me to believe that she still cared deeply about me but was just scared. However, I'm suspecting that she might be starting to get involved with some new guy...I'm really not ready to deal with that and I don't know if I should try to win her back right away or let her have her space anyway. As I wake up she's the first thing I think of followed by an enormous feeling of emptiness because I no longer have her... I'm certainly aware of all the things I did and of the changes I need to make but it's like I can't forgive myself or put them behind me until she gives me another chance. How do I make her realize that we can he a happy couple again?
iknow Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Well I think for me, being on the one the other side of it, the whole element of trust was destroyed when you hurt her like that. And in order for the two of you to be happy again, that trust needs to be built. I think you really have to show her that you will not hurt her again. And instead of sitting back waiting for her decide, you should make a real effort to get her back. Of course there is only so much you can do, but don't just ask. Make a real effort to show her you have changed and you really want to try and you will do whatever it takes. But in the end, it is up to her. Just make sure you do whatever you can so that if she decides not to try again, you can know that you have done all you could. Best of luck!!
Author Joeschm0 Posted October 18, 2010 Author Posted October 18, 2010 Thank you for all the advice. I understand and agree 100%, i guess I just don't really know how I'm supposed to show her that I want and will change without being in an actual relationship with her...As far as trust, I've always made it clear to her that I'm there for her whenever she needs me in any way but how am I supposed to prove to her that it won't happen again? That she can trust me not to hurt her like that again? I feel as though if I'm up front and talk to her about it again it's like I'm convincing her to be with me...which I don't want to do so what else can I do?
Oscar Wilde Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Hi Joe, difficult topic. The key is to rebuild the trust, and it's not easy. She may return with you, but she is going to think that you can leave it again in the future, and it may lead to a break up, this time being you dumped by her. Sorry man, you have to work very hard and the future is uncertain. Good luck!!
thrupaolo Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Hello all, I would like to tell you my storey and would appreciate your thoughts. Its along the lines of a second chance but I dont feel like it would ever happen. MY ex and I had been together for 7 years, we had our problems mostly comunication issues but she loved me and I lover her very much. Looking back I forced myself into a corner with my lack of commitment, I had knowhere to go because of my behavior. In May we split initially with me making the decision, I bumper into her 3 weeks later and it hit me like a of bricks, what the hell was I doing, what the hell was this commitment issue, she is fantastic, loving, caring, beautiful and wanted us to get back together, I couldnt believe what I had done and how I had let the relationship get away from me, I had been a mug. I did all the things you shouldn't do, letters, pleading, all the acts of desperation you could imagine over a month period, she said she needed time and space so I let her be for a further 6 weeks. I couldnt take it anymore and just turned up on her door step, expecting to get a mouthful she invited me in, we talked for 5 hours she made me dinner told me she loved me but was confused about her feelings but all in the evening seemed very positive. She didnt know I was coming so I figured her response was genuine and there was hope. The next night she called and was a completely different person. She told me she couldnt come back to me and that it was a feeling some thing inside and she just could do it. She loved me but couldnt trust me. I pushed somemore the following weekend but I was clearly becoming a pain so we went out to dinner for the last time she re enforced her position, that she just could not do it again, she said she still loved me but maybe not in the same way but we would never be together again. Since then we have been NC so thats about 10 weeks, she went out with a mutual friend 4 weeks in and was totally heart broken by all accounts, im not sure if she was just sad because she has feelings but still cant go back with me or she does still geuninely love me and it hurts. I am a complete mess, this has been the most difficult period of my life, I love her and want her back. What has happened has been my fault, she has openly said she would have done anything for me, weddings, children everything but she has just seems to have turned off. I am at a loss what to do. I plan to break NC around my birthday in December to see if there is any chance of reconciliation but I fear all is lost. Is it really ever too late? I need her to know that my feelings and the things I said in August were real and not an emtional reaction to the break up but I dont think it will make any difference. Do you guys have any help, what the hell should I do?
gothowitz Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 But I gotta tell you, being with someone who shuts you out and treats you like you're in the way has a tendency to cause their partner to be depressed too. Yes, gotta agree with this. He shut me out in the last weeks of our relationship, made me feel bad about not spending enough time with him when he could've made the time (he said he "just didn't have the time" for me, our relationship) to tell me that that was what he wanted, and made me feel like crap about myself when I was bending over backwards to accommodate his wants and needs. Now I'm depressed, can't stop crying, even though I know that I was the one who was taken for granted.
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