i am lost -

[arlin]

my story is the same with all the other OW who posts here.

i love my mm so much i was so willing to be an ow. i do get difficulties and questions, hurts, pain. but truth of the matter, its not easy. why i stay; i love him.

 

we were together for 2 years and 3 mos then the wife found out about me. she rang me and talked to me politely asking if the relationship i am having with her husband is serious enough to break up her family. and if it is, she is willing to "hand over" her husband.

 

i was lost for words. first, of the discovery. how? (confirmation must have come from the mm) and i didnt ask where does mm stand in all of this? i am not in the position to say what i want. i want him of course. but if he wanted me, i would have known then.

 

ive always known where i stand in the relationship. i know, there is never a choice between his family and me and i i accepted that. most times, how i wish i am the primary woman but i know my place and i love him thats why i accept it.

i am also a mw by the way, but my h and kids are back home in our country.

 

when we hung up, i dont know what the conversation achieved. i didnt refuse her offer but didnt really accept it because i wanted to know what the mm has to say, but i didnt ask. she also didnt say anything except that she is willing to forgive him for the kids even if it will really makes her unhappy.

 

and i am just devastated bec i couldnt believe how he can drop me just like that. i dont expect anything of grandeur. just a simple call of explanation and the choice he made. but it never came. i believed all he said that he couldnt live with out me. and ive proven that, many times, when our misunderstanding would lead to break up, he would always come back. weve broken up many times, for the sake of correcting what is wrong, for the sake of our conscience, but we always get back together.

sadly, we have never talked about what to do if the wife finds out bec i guess, it was given; he would choose his fam and we would end.

but one part of me is so hurt. actually, all parts of me. i can not accept i am rejected like this even if i knew and accepted that. i can not accept that i would be dumped just like this. where were those times he said he cant live with out me, or how much he loves me. or the times, the effort he makes just to talk to me or see me. or make a 3 min call just to tell me how much he loves me or misses me? does it all sum up to just this?

my pain is such that i am llike a zombie at work. i hardly eat. i am so hurt. and i miss him so much but ill never call him.

 

i know his work schedule and the usual times he calls me as we have developed a pattern. and its gone now. but how can he just leave me with out as much as a goodbye?

[anywherebuthere]

Awww, you poor thing. :-( This is very heartbreaking to read. I'm so sorry for what happened to you.

 

How long ago did the wife call you? And you have heard nothing from MM? Did you try to contact him? I'm not recommending that, just wondering if you did.

 

I guess the only thing I can tell you is I'm sorry and time will heal. I know it doesn't help to hear that but you just have to be strong and put one foot in front of the other and move on, away from this sadness and to your new bright future!

[arlin]

everything crumbled just over a week ago. she rang me exactly 8 days ago and since then, mm has not phoned or texted me.

i know where i stand, i believe in us even if it was so hard. i would accept the truth. but gone with out saying anything, i cant.

although most presumably, the choice has been made and i guess it will go with out saying. but from where is stand and the depthness of the relationship (from my point)- i deserve at least a goodbye.

[fooled once]

Unfortunately, this is how many affairs end -- with the OW hurting so badly and the MM going on with his marriage.

 

And, as you said, you knew all along that he would choose his family. You obviously have chosen your family too, since you stay married.

 

Can I ask - why aren't you with your children? Please do not tell me that you chose the MM over your children. Why are you separated from them?

 

He isn't going to call to say goodbye, most likely. He most likely promised his wife, who he probably begged for forgiveness, that he wouldn't contact you anymore.

 

You have to let go of him. You have to let go of the fantasy of you and him. Sounds like he all along never planned a life with you - no matter what words he said to you. It is telling that he never gave you a quick heads up that his wife knew, and that shows the lack of character he has. It also shows me that he cares more about making things okay with his wife than telling you he is sorry he hurt you like this.

 

Most of all, he is looking out for HIMSELF. He probably minimized you to his wife when he got busted. He probably is doing all kinds of damage control to maintain his marriage.

 

In time, you will realize that this is all for the best. I don't think you were content to go on living like this for forever.

 

Grieve the end of the affair and move forward.

[anywherebuthere]

I do believe you deserve a goodbye. I'm sure many people would disagree with me, especially wives that have been through this. So I'm not saying it would certainly be the right thing for him to do in terms of his marriage but he was already endangering his marriage by having this affair with you for so long so why can't he just let you know it is over? Even if it was just a simple note saying the obvious: my wife found out and I need to focus on my marriage and we can no longer be together, goodbye. It doesn't even have to have much emotion, just for closure's sake he should let you know from the horse's mouth.

 

I feel so sad for you and angry at him. Yes you knew it was an affair and you knew it would have to end if she found out and no neither of you were doing the right thing. But to have this end without even a goodbye would really hurt me... I would be feeling the same things as you. I think it's beautiful how raw and honest you are being and not hiding your feelings. That takes guts and I admire you and I think you will be okay because you are being honest with yourself. I think that is more than he is doing or he would at least man up and tell you it is over and goodbye.

 

I guess there's a chance it's not really over and that after his wife calms down he will come back and try to get back in with you. I hope by then you have moved on to something and someone more deserving of you. Even if it's just being alone to sort out your feelings, which I feel I need to do.

 

So did you try to contact him at all or no? I would be going crazy if I were you. I am really sorry you are in this boat but I think you're going to be okay, I really do.

 

On a side note I think his wife handled it as best as possible under the circumstances. I feel bad for her too. I know there are kids involved but I think both of you deserve more than what he gives each of you. So maybe that is a positive way to look at it? Like, now you are free to go find someone who can give you all of himself, as you so clearly and beautifully gave all of yourself to MM. You have the chance to start over and be in a real relationship whereas his wife is stuck knowing he cheated, forever. I don't mean that as a knock on her but as an encouragement to you that you really did come out ahead here even if it doesn't feel like it. I want you to be happy. I hope you can take a bubble bath or go for a walk or whatever makes you feel peace. I am so sorry this happened.

[anywherebuthere]

Oh my, I forgot you are married. I'm sorry I talked about moving on and meeting someone else. I don't know how things are between you and your husband but maybe you can focus on that and in having a better marriage even if it's long-distance?

[anywherebuthere]

Oooohhh I agree with fooled_once that he isn't contacting you because he promised his wife he wouldn't. To me you seem like a caring person and you said you knew his family came first. So maybe another positive way to look at it is that you are doing the right thing by focusing on what is best for his wife and family and now you can move on and do what is best for you. I hope this helps. I'm really feeling for you.

[arlin]

i am not with my fam because i am out here making a living to support them. they can not be here because of the kind of visa i am holding.

 

i would choose the mm over my husband. i left our home with marital problems.

 

the night before the wife rang me, we were already forewarned (by some situations) that she is suspicious. he rang me to tell me i might get a call and he said to deny.(she and i are not friends tho we know each other) that he loves me and will not leave me. that i let him sort this out first. but i guess that night, he was thnking he can get away with it. i dont really know where the wife got the info but from what i assume,the wife was armed with information he cant deny anymore, he confessed i guess.or maybe she pretty much knew and he just confirmed. i dunno.

 

after everything, is this all just to it?

 

dumped and dropped like a hot potatoe? thats the hardest part for me to accept. i just thought i meant so much more. am not asking him to choose me over his family. i would but i never did. even if i wanted to. just the respect of telling me. just that.

[on a learning curve]

I do believe you deserve a goodbye. I'm sure many people would disagree with me, especially wives that have been through this. So I'm not saying it would certainly be the right thing for him to do in terms of his marriage but he was already endangering his marriage by having this affair with you for so long so why can't he just let you know it is over? Even if it was just a simple note saying the obvious: my wife found out and I need to focus on my marriage and we can no longer be together, goodbye. It doesn't even have to have much emotion, just for closure's sake he should let you know from the horse's mouth.

 

I feel so sad for you and angry at him. Yes you knew it was an affair and you knew it would have to end if she found out and no neither of you were doing the right thing. But to have this end without even a goodbye would really hurt me... I would be feeling the same things as you. I think it's beautiful how raw and honest you are being and not hiding your feelings. That takes guts and I admire you and I think you will be okay because you are being honest with yourself. I think that is more than he is doing or he would at least man up and tell you it is over and goodbye.

 

I guess there's a chance it's not really over and that after his wife calms down he will come back and try to get back in with you. I hope by then you have moved on to something and someone more deserving of you. Even if it's just being alone to sort out your feelings, which I feel I need to do.

 

So did you try to contact him at all or no? I would be going crazy if I were you. I am really sorry you are in this boat but I think you're going to be okay, I really do.

 

On a side note I think his wife handled it as best as possible under the circumstances. I feel bad for her too. I know there are kids involved but I think both of you deserve more than what he gives each of you. So maybe that is a positive way to look at it? Like, now you are free to go find someone who can give you all of himself, as you so clearly and beautifully gave all of yourself to MM. You have the chance to start over and be in a real relationship whereas his wife is stuck knowing he cheated, forever. I don't mean that as a knock on her but as an encouragement to you that you really did come out ahead here even if it doesn't feel like it. I want you to be happy. I hope you can take a bubble bath or go for a walk or whatever makes you feel peace. I am so sorry this happened.

 

This is such a sweet and honest post.

 

I also think that you deserve a goodbye. He is obviously a coward - remember that when you are feeling bad. He doesn't deserve another moment of your time.

[anywherebuthere]

I understand.

 

I guess that's all there is, unless he comes back, but to me that would also be insulting because he let you just sit there sad for all this time, only to come back and try to be with you again? Unless he contacts you to just say hey, I'm sorry it all went down this way, I hope you are okay and we can no longer talk because I'm working on my marriage.

[arlin]

thank you thank you so much for your kind words.

i will not call him. i normally dont when we fight or any misunderstandings. i dont run after him. he is the one always coming back to me. he always finds himself back to me. and especially now, i wont contact him at all.

 

but deep inside me, there is this need to at least, say whaat i have to say, or hear what i need to hear. the past days are so chaotic, seriously, im like a zombie.

 

the wife handled it well. educated and i am in awe of her..i didnt feel any shame of being the ow. she talked to me on the same level when she could very well swear or scream at me. i get it she can let him go if not for the kids. but thats entirely another issue privy to them. but i get it, it is all for their kids.

 

ive devoted my entire life here in this country to him. now he left, with out so much as a goodbye i dunno where to start or how to pick up the pieces when i have no one here but him.

 

i cant get over the thought, i cant accept what is happening. i truly believe i meant more than just being left out in the rain. that is why i am reeling from the pain.

[on a learning curve]

thank you thank you so much for your kind words.

i will not call him. i normally dont when we fight or any misunderstandings. i dont run after him. he is the one always coming back to me. he always finds himself back to me. and especially now, i wont contact him at all.

 

but deep inside me, there is this need to at least, say whaat i have to say, or hear what i need to hear. the past days are so chaotic, seriously, im like a zombie.

 

the wife handled it well. educated and i am in awe of her..i didnt feel any shame of being the ow. she talked to me on the same level when she could very well swear or scream at me. i get it she can let him go if not for the kids. but thats entirely another issue privy to them. but i get it, it is all for their kids.

 

ive devoted my entire life here in this country to him. now he left, with out so much as a goodbye i dunno where to start or how to pick up the pieces when i have no one here but him.

 

i cant get over the thought, i cant accept what is happening. i truly believe i meant more than just being left out in the rain. that is why i am reeling from the pain.

 

My heart goes out to you.

 

Really, he treated you very unfairly - his wife has shown her integrity, and you have shown yours. It would have been very easy for him to call you and explain why he cannot see you anymore, yet, he chose to do nothing.

 

You will get through this. You are so much better than this.

[Ariadne]

he rang me to tell me... to deny...that he loves me and will not leave me. that i let him sort this out first.

 

Why do you say this guy dumped you?

 

He told you to give him time.

 

He must be in a huge mess at home with the wife who must be tracking his every step, and he must be trying to make the wife happy in every way.

 

Give him time as he said and you'll hear from him soon.

 

Hang in there. Good luck!

[on a learning curve]

Why do you say this guy dumped you?

 

He told you to give him time.

 

He must be in a huge mess at home with the wife who must be tracking his every step, and he must be trying to make the wife happy in every way.

 

Give him time as he said and you'll hear from him soon.

 

Hang in there. Good luck!

 

Seriously?

 

He called her to tell her to deny. He is a coward. Plain and simple.

[arlin]

Why do you say this guy dumped you?

 

He told you to give him time.

 

He must be in a huge mess at home with the wife who must be tracking his every step, and he must be trying to make the wife happy in every way.

 

Give him time as he said and you'll hear from him soon.

 

Hang in there. Good luck!

 

he told me those words when we knew the wife was getting suspicious. we both didnt think we would be discovered and were both unprepared i know.

ive tried to read anything, anything in the wife voice beyond the words. but i cant. except that to tell he "he is mine"

 

i just want to hear from him. i dont deserve to be blind like this because i am part of this as well. even if he is having a hard time at home with an angry wife. he can very well text me or call me that it's over. it is not "understood" because what we have meant so much more.

 

thank you for all your kind words. i dont mind unkind words too. i can not justify our action. this is all wrong to start with but....

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, he is a coward. He was a coward the entire time you were with him. That's not a revelation. So you think you deserve a goodbye...do you think his BS deserved something from him as well. Why does your goodbye mean more than her deserving to know you were involved in her life without her knowledge. I don't think anyone should be hurt, but for the life of me I don't get why anyone would seem angry, hurt, surprised or anything else when the person they are helping to cheat shows the same lack of decent character traits to you that they showed to the BS. It boggles the mind.

[Ariadne]

tried to read anything, anything in the wife voice...except that to tell he "he is mine"

 

Yes.

 

If she had the nerve to call you and give you that talk, then you can imagine she is probably very demanding with him.

 

It is a good thing he didn't call you because he probably doesn't want to tell you "it's over" or something like that.

 

So he is saying nothing, and trying to deal with this situation. It must be hard for him too.

 

Hugs.

[on a learning curve]

Yes, he is a coward. He was a coward the entire time you were with him. That's not a revelation. So you think you deserve a goodbye...do you think his BS deserved something from him as well. Why does your goodbye mean more than her deserving to know you were involved in her life without her knowledge. I don't think anyone should be hurt, but for the life of me I don't get why anyone would seem angry, hurt, surprised or anything else when the person they are helping to cheat shows the same lack of decent character traits to you that they showed to the BS. It boggles the mind.

 

Honestly, I do think she deserves a goodbye. And, it's not that her goodbye means anything more than just that - a goodbye. Seems a reasonable request, and an honest one.

[bentnotbroken]

Honestly, I do think she deserves a goodbye. And, it's not that her goodbye means anything more than just that - a goodbye. Seems a reasonable request, and an honest one.

 

 

I get the fact that a lot of the posters here believe she deserves a good-bye(the beauty of opinions:))..... I don't. I think the only thing she deserves is to figure out how she got in this position, let her BS know so he can move on if he chooses and to learn(what ever that may be)from this situation.

[on a learning curve]

I get the fact that a lot of the posters here believe she deserves a good-bye(the beauty of opinions:))..... I don't. I think the only thing she deserves is to figure out how she got in this position, let her BS know so he can move on if he chooses and to learn(what ever that may be)from this situation.

 

That's fair. Reflection is key to understanding.

 

Did you mean BS or AP though?

[fooled once]

I do believe you deserve a goodbye. I'm sure many people would disagree with me, especially wives that have been through this. So I'm not saying it would certainly be the right thing for him to do in terms of his marriage but he was already endangering his marriage by having this affair with you for so long so why can't he just let you know it is over? Even if it was just a simple note saying the obvious: my wife found out and I need to focus on my marriage and we can no longer be together, goodbye. It doesn't even have to have much emotion, just for closure's sake he should let you know from the horse's mouth.

 

I feel so sad for you and angry at him. Yes you knew it was an affair and you knew it would have to end if she found out and no neither of you were doing the right thing. But to have this end without even a goodbye would really hurt me... I would be feeling the same things as you. I think it's beautiful how raw and honest you are being and not hiding your feelings. That takes guts and I admire you and I think you will be okay because you are being honest with yourself. I think that is more than he is doing or he would at least man up and tell you it is over and goodbye.

 

I guess there's a chance it's not really over and that after his wife calms down he will come back and try to get back in with you. I hope by then you have moved on to something and someone more deserving of you. Even if it's just being alone to sort out your feelings, which I feel I need to do.

 

So did you try to contact him at all or no? I would be going crazy if I were you. I am really sorry you are in this boat but I think you're going to be okay, I really do.

 

On a side note I think his wife handled it as best as possible under the circumstances. I feel bad for her too. I know there are kids involved but I think both of you deserve more than what he gives each of you. S

 

I disagree. She doesn't "deserve" anything (and I am not saying that to be a bitch). She knew all along there was a risk of discovery. She took that risk. HE can't give her closure; that is within HER.

 

No doubt in my mind he will come crawling back when things calm down. He expects her to just sit there and understand and be a "good little girl" and not cause him any more angst. He isn't giving a damn about HER feelings; he is too busy doing damage control.

 

i am not with my fam because i am out here making a living to support them. they can not be here because of the kind of visa i am holding.

 

i would choose the mm over my husband. i left our home with marital problems.

 

the night before the wife rang me, we were already forewarned (by some situations) that she is suspicious. he rang me to tell me i might get a call and he said to deny.(she and i are not friends tho we know each other) that he loves me and will not leave me. that i let him sort this out first. but i guess that night, he was thnking he can get away with it. i dont really know where the wife got the info but from what i assume,the wife was armed with information he cant deny anymore, he confessed i guess.or maybe she pretty much knew and he just confirmed. i dunno.

 

after everything, is this all just to it?

 

dumped and dropped like a hot potatoe? thats the hardest part for me to accept. i just thought i meant so much more. am not asking him to choose me over his family. i would but i never did. even if i wanted to. just the respect of telling me. just that.

 

So he wants you to deny it all; so he can continue to lie to his wife and gaslight her? He has told you repeatedly HE isn't going to leave. His WIFE told you - you want him you can have him. And you didn't say "YES". You chose to continue to play games with HER; just like her H is doing. Yuck.

 

I didn't ask you if you would choose the MM over your H - that is obvious that you would. I asked if you would choose the MM over your kids. I find it sad that you are choosing to wrap your life around a MARRIED man, and NOT your kids. You left your kids and as you say below, devoted your LIFE to the country you are currently in so you can be with the MM. That is what I find so unsettling. Does your H know you are having an affair?? If not, why not tell him so he can find a woman who loves him?

 

I understand.

 

I guess that's all there is, unless he comes back, but to me that would also be insulting because he let you just sit there sad for all this time, only to come back and try to be with you again? Unless he contacts you to just say hey, I'm sorry it all went down this way, I hope you are okay and we can no longer talk because I'm working on my marriage.

 

I agree - I would be insulted and outraged that he has CHOSEN to not contact you at ALL after knowing his wife called you. Heck, he maybe been right there when she said You can have him; and he then didn't take that opportunity to say to his wife "GOOD, because I want a life with arlin, not you". His silence to you speaks LOUDLY to me that you are not that important to him. It says to me that his WIFE is the one that matters. Because if he didn't care, he would be calling YOU, the one who he supposedly loves. Instead, he is with his wife and letting you be sad, worried and anxious.

 

But try to not worry; he will call, say he is sorry, tell you that the mean wife wouldn't let him call you (even though she must go to the bathroom, take a shower or sleep and he could have gotten a message to you when she was doing that). But instead, he is choosing to NOT contact you.

 

thank you thank you so much for your kind words.

i will not call him. i normally dont when we fight or any misunderstandings. i dont run after him. he is the one always coming back to me. he always finds himself back to me. and especially now, i wont contact him at all.

 

but deep inside me, there is this need to at least, say whaat i have to say, or hear what i need to hear. the past days are so chaotic, seriously, im like a zombie.

 

the wife handled it well. educated and i am in awe of her..i didnt feel any shame of being the ow. she talked to me on the same level when she could very well swear or scream at me. i get it she can let him go if not for the kids. but thats entirely another issue privy to them. but i get it, it is all for their kids.

 

Really? You don't feel shame for cheating on your H? You don't feel shame for sleeping with someone else's spouse?? Maybe it isn't all about the kids? Trust me, I have a child and I had NO problems divorcing my ex (the father of my son). I have many friends who were in the same situation as me - being parents yet choosing to divorce because of marital issues (and me nor my friends were having affairs).

 

ive devoted my entire life here in this country to him. now he left, with out so much as a goodbye i dunno where to start or how to pick up the pieces when i have no one here but him.

 

i cant get over the thought, i cant accept what is happening. i truly believe i meant more than just being left out in the rain. that is why i am reeling from the pain.

 

You are reeling because you love him and it hurts to be rejected. That is a natural reaction. But I have a feeling, when he comes around with his apology and his desire to start the affair back up, you will jump right back in. If you choose to do that, be prepared for this situation to happen again.

 

he told me those words when we knew the wife was getting suspicious. we both didnt think we would be discovered and were both unprepared i know.

ive tried to read anything, anything in the wife voice beyond the words. but i cant. except that to tell he "he is mine"

 

He isn't YOURS. He is MARRIED to her; so if he were anyone's, he would be hers. She has a reason to fight for her marriage - history together, possessions together, a life together, kids together, dreams of a future together, etc. You have an affair. She has a marriage. Totally different IMHO.

 

i just want to hear from him. i dont deserve to be blind like this because i am part of this as well. even if he is having a hard time at home with an angry wife. he can very well text me or call me that it's over. it is not "understood" because what we have meant so much more.

 

She didn't deserve to have her H cheat on her; yet he did anyway. She didn't deserve all the hurt she has been caused; but she is getting hurt anyway. She didn't deserve the lies by you or her H; but she got them anyway. Life isn't fair. But of the 3 of you; she has been the one BLINDSIDED by her H's disloyalty; his cheating, his disrespect. I do believe he has disrespected you too; but I have a feeling you will happily forgive him if he wants to resume the AFFAIR.

 

I am confused on what you mean by "it is not "understood" because what we have meant so much more"? I also am confused as to why HE has to tell you it isn't over? I mean, HELLO - his wife found out about the affair. He has CHOSEN to not contact you. Why wouldn't YOU decide it is over? Why do you want to continue playing 2nd fiddle to him? Why is being someone's OPTION and not their PRIORITY okay for you???

thank you for all your kind words. i dont mind unkind words too. i can not justify our action. this is all wrong to start with but....

 

Yes.

 

If she had the nerve to call you and give you that talk, then you can imagine she is probably very demanding with him.

 

It is a good thing he didn't call you because he probably doesn't want to tell you "it's over" or something like that.

 

So he is saying nothing, and trying to deal with this situation. It must be hard for him too.

 

Hugs.

 

??? "the nerve"? really?? She called - and was NOT demanding or belittling or disrespectful at ALL to the mistress. Why are you making ASSumptions that she is demanding? why do you say she had nerve to call? Is it only okay for the MM and the OW to have secret meetings, and a relationship but if the wife wants answers, it means she had "the nerve" to ask? Hell, the wife told the OP "if you want him, you can have him". I myself would call the wife VERY decent and polite and yet you find fault with the wife having "the nerve" to call and get HONESTY (which she didn't get). So wives should bury their head in the sand so that the MM and OW can happily go about their affair???

 

it must be HARD for him?? Are you kidding? This man has been lying and cheating on his wife for years; and he has chosen to NOT get in contact with his mistress. he has had everything he has wanted for years - a wife to take care of him, cook for him, clean his house and clothes, bear and take care of his children, make love to him and share a history and plan a future with .... and he also has his mistress who is willing to give up her own family for him, who has made him her life and has sex with him all the time. So really, show me where his life is hard? because he wasn't clever enough to NOT get busted for cheating? because the life he has been living for the last 2 years is now out in the open and he didn't lie good enough to cover it up and NOT get caught?

 

yeah, I feel so sorry for him He is probably having hysterical bonding sex with his wife right now and as soon as he convinces his wife he adores her and is so sorry for the affair, he will be calling arlin to let him come over and have sex and tell her he is sorry for choosing to not get in contact with her during the stressful time at home when he was busy manipulating his wife into staying married. Poor poor guy:rolleyes:

[arlin]

Why do you say this guy dumped you?

 

He told you to give him time.

 

He must be in a huge mess at home with the wife who must be tracking his every step, and he must be trying to make the wife happy in every way.

 

Give him time as he said and you'll hear from him soon.

 

Hang in there. Good luck!

 

I get the fact that a lot of the posters here believe she deserves a good-bye(the beauty of opinions:))..... I don't. I think the only thing she deserves is to figure out how she got in this position, let her BS know so he can move on if he chooses and to learn(what ever that may be)from this situation.

 

i dont know wat AP or BS mean. pls explain. i am learning

i got in this situation because i didnt use my common sense. that i know.

but i cant explain the depth and the genuine sincerety i gave and offered this affair. my bad.

 

it was an affair and it was not easy.

 

i know my place. but from what i believed was a connection albeit the fact that it was built on sands, and the fact that we shared so many things, no one. no one leaves anyone just like that...

[arlin]

I didn't ask you if you would choose the MM over your H - that is obvious that you would. I asked if you would choose the MM over your kids. I find it sad that you are choosing to wrap your life around a MARRIED man, and NOT your kids. You left your kids and as you say below, devoted your LIFE to the country you are currently in so you can be with the MM. That is what I find so unsettling. Does your H know you are having an affair?? If not, why not tell him so he can find a woman who loves him?

 

**i would not choose him over my kids. thats why i understand if he stands up for his fam bec i know how much he adores his children. i am not devoting my time to this country i am in bec mm is here, i am here bec i am working so i can give my children a better life.

H has no idea. and i dont think he cares. but thats another sad story of mine.

 

..says to me that his WIFE is the one that matters. Because if he didn't care, he would be calling YOU, the one who he supposedly loves. Instead, he is with his wife and letting you be sad, worried and anxious.

 

But try to not worry; he will call, say he is sorry, tell you that the mean wife wouldn't let him call you (even though she must go to the bathroom, take a shower or sleep and he could have gotten a message to you when she was doing that). But instead, he is choosing to NOT contact you.

 

**yes i know that. he can but he is not doing it. and it is harder to accept bec even if the relationship was based on deceit. what he and i had was real. limited, conditional, but real. he could at least, say goodbye.

 

 

it must be HARD for him?? Are you kidding? This man has been lying and cheating on his wife for years; and he has chosen to NOT get in contact with his mistress. he has had everything he has wanted for years - a wife to take care of him, cook for him, clean his house and clothes, bear and take care of his children, make love to him and share a history and plan a future with .... and he also has his mistress who is willing to give up her own family for him, who has made him her life and has sex with him all the time. So really, show me where his life is hard? because he wasn't clever enough to NOT get busted for cheating? because the life he has been living for the last 2 years is now out in the open and he didn't lie good enough to cover it up and NOT get caught?

 

**i have nothing but awe and respect for the wife for treating me the way she did.

i just can not come into terms with the way he is letting me go. even if we were discovered. unprepared unexpected. i know it has to end, it will. but i deserve the respect we had for each other the whole time we were in this illicit affair. we lasted this long bec we loved and cared for each other under the circumstances. for all that, a simple talk of letting go, hav to and goodbye would suffice...

thats all i want.

[fooled once]

i dont know wat AP or BS mean. pls explain. i am learning

i got in this situation because i didnt use my common sense. that i know.

but i cant explain the depth and the genuine sincerety i gave and offered this affair. my bad.

 

it was an affair and it was not easy.

 

i know my place. but from what i believed was a connection albeit the fact that it was built on sands, and the fact that we shared so many things, no one. no one leaves anyone just like that...

 

AF = Affair Partner

BS = Betrayed Spouse

 

No one doesn't think you gave the affair everything in you. YOU did. He DIDN'T - that is what we are all saying. HE was playing you; just like his wife.

 

Read this forum long enough and you will see, MANY MM DO leave 'just like that' when confronted by their wife. See, they ALSO shared a connection, a history, a planned future. Yet, many OW expect him to leave, just like that. See the double standard/double belief? The ONLY one getting the BEST of both worlds is the MM.

 

Posters here are telling you - many from experience - that the situation you are in is classic "getting busted" scenarios. Many MM's main desire is to cover their OWN butt and for the most part, the majority of MM do NOT leave their marriage. Heck, many MM tell their OW that they are their true love, yet when the wife finds out, he begs and pleads his wife to forgive him, tells him the OW was no one important and promises to do whatever is necessary to stay married. Many times, the only times a MM leaves the marriage is when the WIFE kicks him out; and even then, many try to persuade the wife to give them another chance.

 

People don't want to see you go down the same path so many have traveled; they are trying to get you to see that there is just more HURT in the future for you if you do not get out of this situation.

 

It sounds like you are NOT happy just being the OW; that you want more. And you deserve to be someone's MAIN priority; not just their side fling.

[bentnotbroken]

That's fair. Reflection is key to understanding.

 

Did you mean BS or AP though?

 

 

I meant her betrayed spouse.