HMP Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Hello all. I have been lurking around for a time and feel if I do not get out what is in my head I might just burst. Please be gentle... I am looking for wisdom, advice and a shoulder to lean out. I started an affair with a MM about three years ago. I am now 28 and he is 37. When we started the affair it was only suppose to be a good time. I felt guilty and wanted it to stop but of course I was stupid and let it continue. He told me he loved me into it. I have changed him. I then feel in love with him. A year into the A the wife found out and things went very downhill. Soon he was moving out. He would have this love hate relationship towards me. He would blame me for all the bad in his life (I understand where he is coming from) but yet he wouldn't let me go. We broke things off and then got back together. He lost his job about three weeks ago, wasn't his fault, and couldn't afford where he was living (which was temporary anyway) so I let him move in with me. When he moved in we were pretty much over. I told him he could sleep in the spare bedroom. (I am renting a two bedroom 1 bath apartment) The first night was weird because he was very distant. I know the wife is giving him hell for not having a job. Yes they have not finalized the divorce. We barely spoke the first night and we went to sleep in the two different rooms. I told myself the whole situation was very unhealthy but at least he is in a different room and not near me. I want it over with him. Yet I feel sorry for him and want to help. I want it over because he has a child and very confused and all over the place. I am single and still young enough to have a family. He cannot give me that. The next morning I wake up to him trying to jump into my bed. He couldn't understand why I didn't want him in my room. The last week I would stay friendly- maybe watch a movie with him in the living room or share the company at dinner. Well the last week at night he comes in my room and tells me he cannot sleep. He wants me to come sleep with him please. When I refuse to go he jumps into my bed and tries to cuddle with me. He isn't touching me in a sexual way (sorry) but trying to be sweet and just got to sleep. But its very emotionally draining on me. He then tells me that when he gets a job he will be gone. I just. wow. what can i say. today he came home and he was in the worst mood. it just affects me. its my own fault for this situation. agreed. i feel i am wasting my precious years. i did love this man at one time but i am not in love with him anymore. now the pain is deep again. thanks everyone. cheers
anywherebuthere Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I'm kind of in a similar spot, in that MM left but hasn't finalized his divorce or even started the divorce process. It gets draining to focus on them all the time, doesn't it? I feel I was in an unhealthy place when I got with my guy and so was he and now I want to move on and be healthy and I can't do it with him in my life. It scares me to hear your story because it could be mine if I keep going down this path. You said MM blames you for his unhappiness and I feel mine does too, without outright telling me that. We just had a fight and I am done with mine, or at least I want to be. This is my first day of not being with him and it's hard and sad but I feel it's for the best. MM wanted to live with me and I said no. He needs to stand on his own two feet and so does your guy. They can't be so dependent on us. Your post resonates with me because I allow myself to stay in situations that I know aren't best for me. I have a hard time actually following through to take the action to get where I want to be. So I tend to let stuff happen to me and then feel miserable about it when really it's my own choosing. I'm not trying to put words in your mouth but that's the part I could relate to the most. Feeling like it's not the best for me but staying in. I'm confused about why he moved in if you guys were pretty much over by then? Because he had nowhere else to go? And what was it that broke down in the relationship where now that he is nearly divorced, it sounds like anyway, the two of you don't want to be together? I'm just curious because the more I read on here it seems MM almost never leaves, and then when he actually does, it starts a whole new set of problems. I think the chances of an affair actually working out into a long-term relationship must be slim to none. It's almost like a 'be careful what you wish for' scenario. Well I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. I say stop feeling sorry for him and allowing him to dictate the tempo of the relationship. If you want it to be over, just make it be over. That's what I'm trying to do right now. Yeah we feel bad because they need us and their feelings are hurt, but really they were using us in a sense all along and we need to do what is best for us or stay unhappy. All the best.
fooled once Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Ladies ((hugs)) both of you ... I hate hearing both of you say "you can't" let go or "you can't xyz". YES YOU CAN. You can do anything - ANYTHING - you set your mind to (that you are able to control). And you CAN control your impulses, your emotions and you can kick dead weight to the curb. You can rid yourself of someone who is hurting you as you both are hurting. As most people can tell you, many of these MM need to go to counseling OR need time between relationships. I know so many OW want that guy immediately after he leaves his marital home, but these men, especially those that have been dragging their feet on leaving, need time to really 'emotionally' divorce/separate from their wives. OP, I would give the MM a deadline on when you want him out. It isn't up to you to be his free room and board. That is ON HIM. You do NOT owe him a place to stay. As you have found out, sometimes the grass isn't always greener once you "get" the MM. This is exactly why I caution so many OW from having the MM move right in. I wish you both success in finding the happiness you are looking for. I really hope you both remove the word "can't" from your vocabulary and I hope you both honor yourselves more. Make your words match your actions - if you are DONE with these cheaters - BE DONE; don't waffle back and forth. Own what you do and say. GOOD LUCK
pureinheart Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Hey there...not sure about having any decent advice, although I can say you don't need anyone to beat you up as you are doing enough of that on your own.. Take what is yours and that is it, you are not the Sacrificial Lamb as we had one already that paid everybodies price (in my belief system). Does exMM bring you down by his personality? My son is like that. He has a powerful personality and has the ability to control his surroundings depending what attitude he is in...I think priddy much people everywhere are on to that game, so it doesn't work to much or well anymore... Oh and BTW, you have not wasted anything, you have in fact gained ...all of this will be but a distant memory;)
Sexiness Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 hI I am so very sorry that you are going through this.... It is very sad to read this.... Even sadder because I am going through the same situation, same age, 1st year being the OW and the W just found out.... I am scared sometimes that we might go downhill..... I don't know what I can say but I'm sorry.... Please keep us updated if u hear from him... I hope he has the decency to call and say something.... Anything....
carhill Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 OP, welcome to LS My sympathies. Question: Does he ever leave the apartment? If yes, and there's a pattern to it, presuming he has a key/code, when he is gone, have the apartment re-keyed/coded (tell the landlord). Lock him out. He has a home, one he probably has paid a mortgage on for years and lived in with his wife until D-day. He can negotiate a different deal, one that doesn't involve you. Disclaimer. I'm nearly at the end of my divorce. An EA was involved (me) and neither my ex nor I are homeless and dependent on others, rather living separately in our own respective homes. We're both just working stiffs; regular folks, suffering through a difficult economy. I remember a time when I wanted to move my OW into one of those houses (not my domicile) and am glad I thought better of it (and she proactively refused anyway). I'm sure you weren't attracted to an unsuccessful man, so he's got talent, resources and drive. Enable him to rediscover that positive part of himself. Good luck
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 To the OP: Whatever you do, be sure to establish where you are in life right NOW, withOUT complicating your sense of the present and of the future with choices you made in the past. Do whatever you choose in terms of providing a roof over this once-important man's head, but when determining how to direct your life's path from here on out, do NOT consider 'the past' when it comes to planning your course into the future.
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