Author P1xie Posted March 3, 2004 Author Posted March 3, 2004 The thing is, you're not trying to eliminate it from your life, you're trying to eliminate it from his. We share a life together...
dyermaker Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 Originally posted by P1xie You could also say the same for him he can accept me for me and work with me on the issue instead of breaking promises and lying. Yes I could. He has no right to be deceitful and dishonest. Not that I can't understand why he's lying, or why most men lie about this stuff, but it's still not right. Originally posted by P1xie The thing is, you're not trying to eliminate it from your life, you're trying to eliminate it from his. We share a life together... No you do not. Romeo and Juliet shared a life together. That's the most unhealthy relationship of all time. People need to draw boundaries as to what is personal and what is shared. A life in which you invest 100% of your own self-identity in another person is unbelievable unhealthy, and problems will arise the second there's a divergence. Secrets? Bad. Control? Bad.
moimeme Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 We share a life together That doesn't mean you have melted into one brain. He's still allowed to have ideas and thoughts of his own.
jenny Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 ok, let's try a different tact. is there anything that you consume or do that you could eliminate in exchange, so there is at least the appearance of balanced power in the relationship? here are some things that i do that might my fiancee might seek to eliminate, if he was that sort of person: *call my mom every night * make tiny sculptures out of every paperclip that crosses my path * go to classes for no reason *go to the local cemetery whenever we travel *take out 30 books at a time from the library *waste $9.67 every sunday on the NY times and a latte. *read obsessively *in season, fish pointlessly every saturday afternoon for about 4 hours do you have anything like this? is there some compromise you can make or some habit of your own that you could sacrifice? make a deal with him if you are not willing to bend on the porn issue - there *must* be something that you do that annoys him.
Author P1xie Posted March 3, 2004 Author Posted March 3, 2004 What I meant by we share our lives is that what he is does in his life effects me. Someone who drinks too much oh he has his own life. as for sex, sex is not a seperation. That is something two people share. There are some sex acts that you will do and not do. You share them and if you don't want to do them you don't. It isn't something personal that is your own. You discuss what is right for eachother.
dyermaker Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 Masturbation is NOT sex, by your definition. He's been doing it since he was eleven/twelve, and it's something that's personal and his own.
moimeme Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 as for sex, sex is not a seperation. That is something two people share This isn't about 'sex'. This is about a quick whack-off, which is pretty much the polar opposite of sex. If all he wants is rapid relief because he's horny, is it a compliment to you if he uses you instead of his hand and a picture? It sure isn't to me. If all he wants to do is get off quickly to relieve horniness, he can do that by himself, IMHO. If he wants sex with connection, then I'm in. Otherwise, I'll even offer to warm up the apple pie
Author P1xie Posted March 3, 2004 Author Posted March 3, 2004 Jenny yes I do not have any animals at our house because he does not like them. I'm an animal lover I do not go out with my guy friends because he doesn't like it Bleach my hair because he prefers blondes Wear thong underware though they are uncomfortable to me
jenny Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 ok, now we are getting somewhere. do you feel that your investment in this relationship is higher than his? and do you feel that you sacrifice more? feeling like there are some basic inequalities in the relationship, and acknowledging that, is a really important step. is you brought an animal home, or stop with dying your hair or wearing thongs, what would happen? would his giving up porn make you feel like this is a more equitable relationship? i think feeling powerless is the worst feeling in the world. i think the people here (the ones who are trying to help you) are trying to let you know that stopping all porn may not be a productive way to find equalizing power and ergo further intimacy. porn is a red herring, i think, in this case. so, let's get into it. what is the balance of power in your relationship? why would you feel you had to give up things you yourself love to keep this guy? why are your interests negotiable to you? he is obviously 50% responsible for the trouble in the relationship, but we only have you here to talk and figure stuff out. let's forget about porn for a little while, and just tell us about the relationship overall. who are you in this relationship? who are you outside of the relationship?
Author P1xie Posted March 3, 2004 Author Posted March 3, 2004 His porn effects our sex live so it is a part of our sex! This isn't a case of getting yourself off quickly. So it is something we share.
moimeme Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 This isn't a case of getting yourself off quickly. How, exactly, can that be? His porn effects our sex live so it is a part of our sex! How? Does he refust to have sex with you and watch porn instead?
dyermaker Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 Originally posted by P1xie His porn effects our sex live so it is a part of our sex! This isn't a case of getting yourself off quickly. So it is something we share. Exclamation points are the sign of a poster who no longer wishes to listen. Jenny is a patient intellectual, with immaculate grammar. She'll stay to help you. But if you honestly think that self-stimulation is something two people should share, that's indicitave of control issues. Originally posted by P1xie I think if he never said he would give up porn we wouldn't be in this situation. You're right in feeling that way, even though it's likely not the case. He should not have lied. The way you are behaving now--that's WHY he lied, but it's still not right.
Author P1xie Posted March 3, 2004 Author Posted March 3, 2004 I think if he never said he would give up porn we wouldn't be in this situation.
moimeme Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 Exclamation points are the sign of a poster who no longer wishes to listen. Pshaw!!!!!!!
Author P1xie Posted March 3, 2004 Author Posted March 3, 2004 No we should not share masterbation but if the masterbation effects our sexual relationship then there is something wrong. That is where it effects our lives and how it is shared.
dyermaker Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 Originally posted by P1xie if the masterbation effects our sexual relationship then there is something wrong. Indeed if it (affects) your sexual relationship, something is wrong. Aren't you the one letting that happen?
moimeme Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 There is lying and then there is saying something you mean fully at the time but things change. How serious this sort of thing is depends on the stakes at hand. If you mean you'll be faithful, and then behave otherwise, it's different than if you say you'll put your laundry in the basket every morning and then get lazy. He thinks looking at porn is like not picking up the socks. You think it is like cheating. Your value systems are different. You insist he think your way.
Author P1xie Posted March 3, 2004 Author Posted March 3, 2004 I have explained it in a previous post about how his porn effects us physically not just emotionally.
Author P1xie Posted March 3, 2004 Author Posted March 3, 2004 Yeah dyermaker I'm letting it happen. I love to be with a guy who has problems ejaculating every day. I love when he decides to get off on porn, do me the next day where I can't satisfy him thinking what the hell does he need me for. It's so very enjoyable makes me feel good. I do not insist he think my way. I do insist that he thinks about my feelings.
moimeme Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 It sounds as though you have a great relationship. Exactly the sort of relationship which would keep any guy turned on constantly. Do you not get that your anger at him is probably one of the reasons sex with you doesn't work? Once you get into this spiral downwards, you need counselling. Each of you figures the relationship would be fixed if only the other person would be different. This is an endless cycle. Get you both to therapy.
Author P1xie Posted March 3, 2004 Author Posted March 3, 2004 Jenny I do not hold any resentment for any sacrifice large are small. I love him and do my best to please him if I can. I would never do anything if I thought it hurt him in anyway. If something I did hurt him I would stop.
Author P1xie Posted March 3, 2004 Author Posted March 3, 2004 Do you not get that your anger at him is probably one of the reasons sex with you doesn't work? Once you get into this spiral downwards, you need counselling. Each of you figures the relationship would be fixed if only the other person would be different. This is an endless cycle. Get you both to therapy. lol he literally has a medical condition. It has nothing to do with me or any other woman. I am the first girl that he's ever been with that it has worked and he feels totally comfortable with me. I never laugh at him and as he says I make him feel like a man. Our sex life is great as long as the porn does not interfer. You all seem to want to find the worst in people. It's easier to call someone a control freak or say they need therapy.
jenny Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 actually, no, i think we're trying to find the best in people. i think you are a very loving woman, but this issue has consumed you and now you are on the defensive. let me try one more time: what do you love about this man? what are ten things that make him unique and terrific? what are ten things he loves about you? i promise to get back to porn after this digression, but humour me for now.
dyermaker Posted March 3, 2004 Posted March 3, 2004 Fine, you don't need therapy, your relationship is perfect, and your man deserves castration. Seriously, what do you want from us? I'll never understand the human need to be validated.
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