How do I deal with my problem!?

[ForNever]

There is a long story involved here that I will try to omit and only include the important facts.

 

About a year ago, my fiancée who I had been dating for 4 years cheated on me. Those were the worse 2 months of my life (nov-jan). The whole time I knew she was doing it. I tried to leave her, but I would always go back. I couldn't sleep, work, or eat. I lost almost 30lbs and considered going to the hospital because food just wouldn't go down.

 

During this time, I would still talk to her and see her almost every day, regardless of how unhappy each of us were. She would tell me she loved me but she just had to "sew her wild oats". I don't know why but I would ask her things about them. (I recently saw the movie "Closer" and when Clive Owens began asking his wife detailed questions about the affair, I laughed because that was exactly how I acted.) Every answer I got killed me a little more inside.

 

We are both about 22 years old. Her affair was with a 35 year old guy. She told me he was way bigger than me (11 inches). He was experienced. He is very ripped with a nice body. He could throw her around and be rough with her. He could bring her to orgasm multiple times in 1 session. It was always in a cheap motel. She would tell me they would go for hours at night and take an hour nap, and wake up and go until it was time for work.

 

I don't know how damaged that left me. I have never told anyone everything like I have here.

 

After the 2 months, she supposedly told him they couldn't see each other any more because she loved me. We got back together and I moved back in and I treated her like a queen for some reason. I gave her everything she wanted in return for nothing. We almost never had sex. I didn't want to leave her for fear of being alone and even worse, her going back to him. I was pretty much living in fear.

 

In May I found out she was messaging this guy online very sexually. I got angry and basically I gave her 3 strikes. She used all of them and I left. This time was different, because this guy was actually married and had no intention of messing around with her. (also the first man she cheated on me with was in a relationship). So this time she begged and pleaded me not to and that she would change. She actually went and spoke to a counselor on her own accord.

 

For about a month she begged me to come back because she'd changed. Well I came back. Things actually went well for a few months. I felt like the old me. I wasn't living in fear anymore. Plus we were actually having sex a few times a week again.

 

About a month ago I caught her in a lie where she claimed to be at a friends house. She was with the first guy again. She tried to tell me it was only for 30 minutes while he just talked and they caught up. I didn't believe her but I began to feel that old familiar feeling again: fear. 2 weeks ago she went out "to lunch" with him. She told me I should "trust her". I began trying to figure out how I could leave without being alone.

 

That night I got a message on facebook from one of her friends basically telling me that she was cheating on me with him again and this time she wasn't helping her cover it up. My girlfriend claimed it was all lies and all her friends could vouch for her because this girl had a grudge. I don't know and honestly don't care. I've learned to listen to my gut on everything.

 

 

It's strange because when it comes to gut feelings - I'm literally 100% on being right about this stuff. I would think I'd be wrong at LEAST once, but never so far.

 

Now with all that aside, 2 nights ago she came to me and said she was sexually frustrated. She told me the other guy got her off with only using his penis and his fingers. I've tried to use my fingers on her but every time she says no way. It just left me completely confused as to what she wants.

 

Anyways, now that you have a simplified version of the past year, I need help. I know that 100% of you are going to tell me to leave but that's not what I'm asking for help for. I need help on figuring out how I can leave but completely block her out and make what she'll do when I leave easier on me. I don't want to spiral out of control into a serious depression again.

Edited October 16, 2010 by ForNever

[lkjh]

Grow some balls and become a man. She cheats on you because she is a skank and you are being her little puppy.

 

I can't understand what your problem is. Dump her and get a little tough. Pick up some hobbies and never speak to her again

[YellowShark]

About a year ago, my fiancée who I had been dating for 4 years cheated on me.

 

Once a cheater.

 

In May I found out she was messaging this guy online very sexually.

 

Twice a cheater.

 

About a month ago I caught her in a lie where she claimed to be at a friends house. She was with the first guy again.

 

Three times a cheater.

 

I know that 100% of you are going to tell me to leave but that's not what I'm asking for help for. I need help on figuring out how I can leave but completely block her out and make what she'll do when I leave easier on me. I don't want to spiral out of control into a serious depression again.

 

First of all you do need to leave this woman. She's cheated on you three times in the past year. I would say she's 100% not ready to be married and kinda toxic.

 

Now that you recognize that, you can leave ForNever by simply leaving! Then go no contact with her - you are a submarine exercising radio silence under the north pole.

 

Change your phone number.. if you wish, close your old email accounts and open new ones, stop going on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, whatever... and go heal. Remember no contact is not about her, it's about you healing from a breakup... and only about you and your health.

 

see No Contact info here: No Contact Rule

[Ella whispers]

Don't be a sucker and waste your youth on someone that doesn't return everything you give.

[Jambalaya]

 

Now with all that aside, 2 nights ago she came to me and said she was sexually frustrated. She told me the other guy got her off with only using his penis and his fingers. I've tried to use my fingers on her but every time she says no way. It just left me completely confused as to what she wants.

 

 

She told you??? That's so messed up I don't know where to begin.

[Bryanp]

Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to see what she is doing? She is a serial cheater who cheats on you even though she was engaged to you. What is wrong with this picture? She has no problem totally humiliating, disrespecting and emasculating you. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would put up with this from you? Clearly she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You would have to be a masochist to continue with her. She is toxic to you. Surely you deserve better than this. Enough is enough!!!!

[ForNever]

Thanks guys, but I know already that I have to leave her and should have left her a long time ago and never looked back.

 

The problem is when she cheated the first time, I tried to leave but every second was filled with thoughts of her and what she was doing. I couldn't really function. At least when I was actually with her, my mind was at ease.

 

I guess I really need to take the advice of the first guy and grow some balls. Also the NC thing looks really nice but I'm just worried that after a day or 2 of not talking to her and being alone that I'd crack and call her.

[lonestar190]

Do you have any close guy friends? If so, get one to stay with you for a week or two. A good friend will if you tell them why and what is going on.

 

This will allow you to not be alone and slip into your old ways. A person in the house with you will stop you from accepting calls or being bored and thinking too much.

 

It will be hard. Harder than you think. Don't try to do it alone.