single123 Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Hi all, I'm female, single and in my mid-thirties. Being single is not something that I like, but well, you also can't force things. My problem is that I'm hearing my biological clock ticking, but at the same time, I don't feel I am ready for kids nor do I want to have kids now. I am pretty sure I do want to have kids and a family, but without a man and without being in love, I am not really feeling it. Years ago, I was quite in love with someone and if he had said, "Let's get married and let's have a family one day," I would have instantly agreed. As it is though, I am not in love with anybody enough to want to have kids with that person. I am afraid that I will become too old while waiting to fall in love so that I will be ready to start a family. The other problem (actually, it's related to the first problem), I don't think I am very mature for my age. I am not the kind of balanced, stable person that I think a kid should have as a mother. I think this also contributes to not being able to commit properly to anybody and not knowing what I really want in a man. I find myself being attracted to all different kinds of men for various contradicting reasons. Sometimes I like men who are quiet and serious, sometimes I like men who are open and fun, sometimes I like men with a sarcastic humor, sometimes I like men who are really nice and friendly, sometimes I like men who are manly, sometimes I like men who are clumsy, sometimes I like men who are a bit mysterious, sometimes I like men who are straightforward, etc. I don't understand myself at all. It might have something to do with my mood that is constantly changing. I have no clue what I can do to resolve these issues.
carhill Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I have no clue what I can do to resolve these issues. If a perspective or behavior inhibits the formation of healthy interpersonal relationships, it bears scrutiny. Reflect upon your current interpersonal relationships, including friendships and family relationships. If the above statement appears to apply, consider speaking with a professional. Also, get a thorough physical if not having one in the last couple years, complete with blood work. Have you ever approached a man you've found attractive? I don't mean to ask him out on a date, but rather showed proactive interest.... If so, how did that go and how did it match up with what you shared in the OP? Welcome to LS
Vesna Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 You have answered your own question regarding marriage and children. Enjoy your abundant freedom and self-improvement.
Bite My Pokky Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I am the male equivolent of you. "how you doing?" haha just playing. No but really, as a dude in the same situation, what it comes down to is... I think, the worst thing we don't want to admit... We have to change some core, innermost, attitude. I don't know what you're is,and I won't ask cause you won't say.. just like I won't say what mine is, but I know what it is... I just don't WANT to change it. I'm stubborn. I'm seeing how long I can go on keeping it, AND still finding someone. But, at 36... I feel exactly like you. I'm giving myself til 40... if I'm still asking this same question, I will do the inevitable-- change that thing I know is keeping me down, yet, I really, really, really wanted to keep.
Fouts Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 The things you mentioned come with life experience. Most people aren't ready for marriage and kids when it happens, but they grow with it and become great role models, parents and partners. It's probably just overwhelming thinking abou it to some degree. You're single and contemplating things like settling down forever and having a family and you don't even have a partner yet. It's normal to feel unsure, but the fact that you're thinking alot about it, shows that it's something you want.
Eeyore79 Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I think you don't feel ready now because you're not in a situation that makes you feel ready. When you're in a stable and settled relationship with a decent man who you love, and who wants those things with you, you will suddenly feel a lot different. The question you have to ask yourself is why you aren't in such a relationship, and what you can do to get there. I asked myself the same question, and I found that I was dating entirely the wrong type of men - I had an immature view of what was attractive, and I was evaluating men as boyfriends instead of as potential husbands and fathers. I had to reconsider the type of man I was looking for in light of the fact that I wanted someone stable and decent to marry and have a family with, and I picked someone who was much more appropriate for the type of relationship I wanted.
Kamille Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 I find myself being attracted to all different kinds of men for various contradicting reasons. Sometimes I like men who are quiet and serious, sometimes I like men who are open and fun, sometimes I like men with a sarcastic humor, sometimes I like men who are really nice and friendly, sometimes I like men who are manly, sometimes I like men who are clumsy, sometimes I like men who are a bit mysterious, sometimes I like men who are straightforward, etc. I don't understand myself at all. It might have something to do with my mood that is constantly changing. What I find striking about the sentence above is that one man can embody all of the above. Everybody's mood changes, not just yours. Sometimes my bf is straightforward, sometimes he's mysterious, sometimes he's sweet and friendly, sometimes he's sarcastic, sometimes he's serious, sometimes he's open and fun. Could an emphasis on reducing men to a single personality trait perhaps explain why you find it hard to bond with them?
Author single123 Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 If a perspective or behavior inhibits the formation of healthy interpersonal relationships, it bears scrutiny. Reflect upon your current interpersonal relationships, including friendships and family relationships. If the above statement appears to apply, consider speaking with a professional. Also, get a thorough physical if not having one in the last couple years, complete with blood work. Have you ever approached a man you've found attractive? I don't mean to ask him out on a date, but rather showed proactive interest.... If so, how did that go and how did it match up with what you shared in the OP? Welcome to LS I'm not sure if this is a problem that requires talks with a therapist or that can be resolved by just talking to others who have experienced something similar. I thought I try it here first. Most guys I just don't really find that interesting. And the guys I find interesting are not interested in me.
Author single123 Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 You have answered your own question regarding marriage and children. Enjoy your abundant freedom and self-improvement. But my biological clock is ticking.
Author single123 Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 I am the male equivolent of you. "how you doing?" haha just playing. No but really, as a dude in the same situation, what it comes down to is... I think, the worst thing we don't want to admit... We have to change some core, innermost, attitude. I don't know what you're is,and I won't ask cause you won't say.. just like I won't say what mine is, but I know what it is... I just don't WANT to change it. I'm stubborn. I'm seeing how long I can go on keeping it, AND still finding someone. But, at 36... I feel exactly like you. I'm giving myself til 40... if I'm still asking this same question, I will do the inevitable-- change that thing I know is keeping me down, yet, I really, really, really wanted to keep. You mean that one day we're going to die and so we're denying that fact as long as we can, pretending to have all the time in the world? I think I've been getting away with this, because I look younger than I am. So, people on the outside treat me like I still have plenty of time. I have many younger friends and they do have time. They treat me as if I was one of them, but well, I'm not, not really. The ones my age tend to be in stable relationships or marriages. The others are not so interested in family.
Author single123 Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 The things you mentioned come with life experience. Most people aren't ready for marriage and kids when it happens, but they grow with it and become great role models, parents and partners. It's probably just overwhelming thinking abou it to some degree. You're single and contemplating things like settling down forever and having a family and you don't even have a partner yet. It's normal to feel unsure, but the fact that you're thinking alot about it, shows that it's something you want. Hm, you might be right. Becoming a mom, might really change me. Maybe it's not something I need to worry about that much.
Author single123 Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 I think you don't feel ready now because you're not in a situation that makes you feel ready. When you're in a stable and settled relationship with a decent man who you love, and who wants those things with you, you will suddenly feel a lot different. The question you have to ask yourself is why you aren't in such a relationship, and what you can do to get there. I asked myself the same question, and I found that I was dating entirely the wrong type of men - I had an immature view of what was attractive, and I was evaluating men as boyfriends instead of as potential husbands and fathers. I had to reconsider the type of man I was looking for in light of the fact that I wanted someone stable and decent to marry and have a family with, and I picked someone who was much more appropriate for the type of relationship I wanted. You could be right. I need to think about that. Great tip, thanks.
Author single123 Posted October 21, 2010 Author Posted October 21, 2010 What I find striking about the sentence above is that one man can embody all of the above. Everybody's mood changes, not just yours. Sometimes my bf is straightforward, sometimes he's mysterious, sometimes he's sweet and friendly, sometimes he's sarcastic, sometimes he's serious, sometimes he's open and fun. Could an emphasis on reducing men to a single personality trait perhaps explain why you find it hard to bond with them? You mean, I categorize them too much and am not able to see the other facets of their personality?
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