Sebastianthebear Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I posted this message in a different section, but didn't get any responses. Maybe you guys can help me out more. I met my gf last October when I was ending a relationship I’d been in for 14 years. My ex gf and I realized we’d done some pretty bad stuff to each other, we lived too far apart (she moved across the country a year prior) and we were better as friends. My ex was lonely in her new town and so probably called me more often than she should’ve. Over this year it's gone down from several times a day to maybe once a week. My gf hated my ex calling so much, but I think everyone should get over things at their own speed. My ex was humiliated I’d broken up with her, and because we worked together before she moved, she threatened to never talk to me again if I told anyone we broke up. I didn't look forward to the gossip (viscious in my office) anyway, so I didn’t tell anyone except my new girl (also a coworker) that we’d broken up. My gf was frustrated that we had been dating in secret for all these months. In April I had to leave the country to go back home for four months. In July. two weeks before I came back, she decided to move on with another guy. I was devastated. The thing was, I had already decided it was time to tell everyone we were together--I was just waiting to get back to the US to tell her that. I already told my friends and family back home about her, it was just a matter of telling people where we live. She stayed with this other guy for three months, while I showed her every day how important she was to me. She pushed me away the whole time, but eventually she could see how much I loved her, and admitted she still had some feelings for me. She finally broke up with this other guy about three weeks ago. We were taking it slow, but we both were definitely feeling connected again. It is awesome. Then 10 days ago my ex called me with some awful news. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. She has nobody where she lives yet. I knew she needed someone really close to her to take care of her. She was there for me when I lost my dad to cancer; I thought the least I could do was be there with her now. I told my gf I was going. She was really upset, but said she’d try to deal with it. Then last Sunday afternoon (I was leaving Monday night) she begged me not to go, sobbing uncontrollably. I told her that it was in my nature to help a friend in need--especially a friend who had been there through my hard times. She said that we were over. As soon as I got off the plane she called me. She was completely freaked out, begging for me to stay in a hotel or to come home early--anything to "prove" she was a priority over my ex. I told her I wanted to work it out with her and would talk to her when I got back. But my ex really needed me, so I hung up the phone. My gf wouldn't stop calling me, and my friend was really scared about her doctor appt the next day, so I turned my phone off. I called my gf back the next afternoon, but she says she felt completely betrayed, and abandoned, and isn’t sure she can trust me not to do it again. I didn’t abandon her—I left for a week to take care of a FRIEND. I didn’t do anything to hurt anyone, I just can’t say no to someone in need. My gf says unless I admit going was inappropriate, and stop all contact with my ex, that she can’t be with me. She thinks my relationship with my ex is getting in the way of my relationship with her. How can I get her to see that the only person that thinks my ex is in the way is my gf? My ex and I are not interested in being together. She is just one of my closest friends. How can I prove to her that she is my priority, that my ex is just my friend, and that she can trust me?
Oscar Wilde Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Dear Sebastian, you cannot prove it to her, she must deal with the fact that you and your ex are friends. Maybe your gf is not the person that you need in your life if she is unable to trust you. Also she must not pretend to be your priority all the time. Anyway try to work it out with her. Bests regards, Oscar
Don Ho Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Let your GF talk to your Ex? Maybe you should tell your GF that should be more sympathetic. Go online and look for the subject from Dr. Laura. She has talked about this situation before and sides with you. BTW, your GF sounds a bit immature. I can see how she might think it's inappropriate and is nervous about it, but it sounds like she really doesn't trust you.
Author Sebastianthebear Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 She says she doesn't care about being friends with exes, but my ex's constant calling and forbidding me from telling anyone we'd broken up for a year has just made this too much. Honestly, she is not a jealous person except for this one friend, which is why I don't understand why she is so freaked out about this. She dated a separated man for a few years when she was younger, and he ended up getting back together with his ex when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She said this situation brings up too many fears, that since I knew this I should've been a bit more willing to negotiate ways of making her feel more comfortable. But I told I am not her ex--I don't want to get back together with my ex. Isn't that enough? Also, my ex proposed marriage last December, when we were both back home. My girlfriend stayed in the US, I didn't think to invite her because it was a trip to take care of family and relax, not a fun trip. I had told my gf we could be open about our relationship once I got back, but after my ex proposed, I knew it was too soon. I said no (of course), but I knew being open about a new relationship would be too hurtful to my ex. Because our relationship has been a secret, and I live with a coworker (small world), I haven't spent a night at my gf's house yet. I leave around midnight. That bothered her too, that I was going to be sleeping at my ex's house for a week and hadn't with her yet. My gf asked to go with me on this trip. She said she wouldn't interfere with the doctor's visits, she'd just feel better if at night I was in her bed, in a hotel, instead of sleeping in my ex's apartment (I made the mistake of telling her it was a one-bedroom). I thought that was crazy--she hasn't even met my ex before. Why would she go on this trip? Anyway my ex doesn't want to meet my new girlfriend or talk to her. She doesn't like that I moved on so quickly.
Author Sebastianthebear Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 I already went on the trip. I was planning on coming home two days ago, but my ex had some more tests so I bumped my flight back until tomorrow. I already told her she couldn't come. So...too late for that. Is there anything I can do now short of not seeing my ex anymore? I'm not willing to let go of my relationship with her to make my gf happy.
Author Sebastianthebear Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 I could try to bring my ex into our lives a little more, not keep her secret. I try to leave whenever my ex calls, so my gf doesn't have to hear it. But my ex and I have a different native language. My gf is trying to learn it, but there's no way she'd understand us if we were talking on the phone. I got an email from my gf yesterday. She's been having really bad reactions to the mold in her apartment, which I knew about before I left. She's been having a hard time breathing this past month (she can't walk up a flight of stairs without wheezing, and she has always been a long-distance runner). She freaked out the day I left because that day she had an appointment with a specialist. Well, evidently on the way her car broke down. It took her 20 minutes to find anyone to pick her up, and meanwhile the stress made it so she couldn't breathe at all--to the point she was dizzy and seeing black around her eyes. She says then, once she finally made it to her appointment, the nurse's first question was, "Why isn't someone here for you today? Most people bring family or a loved one." Thanks, nurse, great timing. But I knew she could take care of it on her own, and I was right--she moved into a new place this weekend, no mold, and finally has the right medicine to bring her breathing under control. Anyway, her email was pretty much an apology for how she handled me leaving. She said now that she could breathe better, she could think a little clearer. She still thinks the decisions I made were pretty bad, and the way I went about it were worse, but the way she handled herself wasn't appropriate either. She isn't sure if she can get over the fact that I left her while she was sick and moving into a new apartment to take care of my even sicker ex, but she's willing to talk to me about it. I forgot my phone charger when I left, so I haven't talked to her in several days now. I'm busy with my ex, so I only email her a short note every other day. Not a whole lot of contact, so I feel like I need to make it up to her big time. Can you guys give me any hints when I get home (really late tonight) what I can do to show her that I wasn't putting my ex's needs over hers? Or at least that I really really value my relationship with her?
Author Sebastianthebear Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 Oh and my ex and gf have never met or talked to each other. My ex doesn't want to, she doesn't like that I moved on so quickly after breaking up with her. Can't blame her for that, what ex wants to meet the new girl? So right now I keep them totally separate, which is easy since they live on opposite sides of the country. I wish they'd just both understand they were important to me in different ways.
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