Frustrated Fiance driving me batty!

[SoConfusledandHurt]

Hi all, havent posted in awhile. But Im feeling a bit frustrated with my fiance at the moment. Need to get some advice on what to do.

 

First of all...we have worked through our rough patches...mostly with the help of counseling. We are better able to talk about our problems and work through them. But there are still some issues that bother me. The first issue drives me batty. Our kids (actually my kids from previous relationship) are 8 and 5. My fiance is just too damn harsh with them. Never abusive physically or name calling...but just his demands are pretty intense, or I should say his punishments are. He will ground my 5 yr old all day in his room for forgetting to unplug the wii, things like that. We sleep until around 7:30-8am in the morning. The kids will get up before us. And Id say we are lucky that about 5 times out of 7 they are quiet and just watch tv. But on those mornings that they forget and start dancing around, just making noises...he will get up and go on a tirade and threaten to ground them all day. Ive expressed to him so many times that a gentle reminder will do because they are still pretty young and can forget. Things like if my dd walks on the grass instead of the sidewalk, she will be in and sent to her room. Without even consulting me about what the appropriate punishment should be. There are even times he will be going on a rant to them and I will have to tell him that I can handle it...but he wont even stop when I do that. He is frustrated because they are not perfect quiet little robots. Ive tried to tell him that his method is actually causing our dd to not "listen" to him. That he has so many great things to teach, it would be nice if he could be a bit softer when it comes to her. But he just lets his frustrations take over. It is really pissing me off and making me question our relationship. Another thing. We live in a house that has the flattest paint you could imagine, it feels like chalk, and every bump shows up.

 

He told me awhile ago that he felt I didnt initiate sex. So I ramped that up a lot for him...started dressing sexy for him, flirting with him...making him feel like a stud. I love sex...but with him treating the kids like this it has made me almost want to be unfair to him, cause thats how I feel he treats the kids...unfairly...I just havent been doing so that much. Well last night I tried really hard (actually several times this last week) to flirt with him, thats the way I initiate...he just says "wanna go get naked?" I flirt and tease. Last night he saw a mark on the wall, I could seriously barely see it...but it ruined our whole evening, he was so pissed that he went off in the room to bed. Really hurt my feelings because Ive never ONCE denied him sex...or not reacted when he was flirting with me. I feel that is not right. But now with him doing that **** to me for the last few times Ive tried to initiate, it really hurts that a wall is more important than me. That he cant appreciate that he has a beautiful woman, good kids, a home, a great job, and just be happy. He tells me this all the time "just be happy" but he doesnt follow his own advice. Im starting to resent him BIG time...I masturbated last night by myself before coming to bed with him, and he didnt even notice or care.

 

He was supposed to talk to a counselour last week, but had to get pushed for 2 weeks. And I just find myself shutting down as far as caring about how he feels about this house. I try my best. I have two kids, I work from home (sometimes 10 hrs a day, overall) I try my best to make sure the house is tidy...that I look like a lady...I exercise all the time to look my best for him and he cant just let some of this stuff go and be happy with all he has. Hed rather wake me up this morning bitching about how my daughter broke one of her brothers books. Seriously, he woke me up and asked me to come talk to him and started bitching about the kids. UGH...not even a good morning or anything.

 

I just feel as though Im not enough and we just get on his nerves. I think most men would count their lucky stars to have a very sexual and loving woman at home who does her best to maintain things. But sadly he is frustrated about things and its just not fun anymore.

 

This is a rant and I will gladly read any and all advice on what I should do. Should I just end it? I dont know what Id do in that case...Ive built my life with him for the last 4 yrs and gave all my money to our home and family...I have nothing saved. Nothing of my own. If I leave...I leave with clothes, a dresser and the kids bedroom furniture. I have nothing else! Im freaking out! But at the same time just feel aggravated and not good enough for him that he has to focus on trivial stuff, which to him is not trivial.

[Citizen Erased]

If you stay with him PLEASE attend couples counseling with him well before you marry him. He cannot treat your children that way, they will have a miserable upbringing. My dad was a lot like he sounds. Obviously he is not hearing you when you try to communicate the things you are unhappy about, you need the appropriate forum to do so.

 

The sex thing will not improve and his temper won't either unless he is willing to work with you on both those things. You owe it to yourself and your kids to work on those before you marry him.

[SoConfusledandHurt]

I completely agree! We have been doing counseling together...and even discussed some of the issues I have about the kids and him. The counselor told him that he may have some anger issues and control issues. He listened, eased up...but then back again. It seems like her personality just drives him crazy...and since her personality is really mine (we are very much alike) it makes me think he cant possibly love me because we must just get on his nerves soooo bad. Its a sad feeling. And he will listen to me poor my heart out...about this subject...and then when I ask what he thinks about what I said, I get defensive reasons WHY he keeps doing it, OR he will simply say "I heard you". UGH! Im in such a pisser today about this!

 

How can a guy be so perfect, but so not...in such a way. Treats me with the upmost respect, love, and tenderness...but not the kids. Unless they do what he says...and are perfect!

[july10]

He does not sound like the kind of man I would want to be a stepfather to my children. If you are having these kinds of problems now, I would be worried they would just get worse as the children get older. Children should not be subjected to that kind of abuse. An all day grounding for a 5 year old for forgetting to unplug a cord? wow. That's harsh. It sounds like he treats you in a similar fashion. You deserve more. You and your kids deserve more. He sounds like an ass.

[SoConfusledandHurt]

Yeah we have been together already 4 yrs and engaged for 2...dont plan on marrying anytime soon.

 

This morning apparently he left a present and card for me to find in our bathroom. Its Sweetest Day. But last night is still stuck in my head and also being woken up this morning to more of the same. I just cried when I saw it, because its something Ive asked him to do more of, as it means a lot to me...and he never did...only for holidays (I forgot today was Sweetest Day) I should be thrilled, but at this time I just feel tired and blah about the whole thing.

 

Ive sent him so many links, that he hardly ever reads...even when he does he says its ok for them to learn. I dont think its learning. I think discipline is actually "teaching" not punishing. And that is a very strong value of mine. I dont mind punishing when appropriate (they hit eachother, or back talk) but then I always make sure to talk to them in an age appropriate way to explain why they cant act that way. And that works. Im home with them most of the time...and we are mostly fine...I mean they are kids and they do act up sometimes...it just seems he looks for things to be upset about. And lets his frustrations out on them. My dd is bright and smart. She is a silly and imaginative child...my son is more structured...so they are doing better...because my son is learning to follow his fathers rules. My dd on the other hand is a feeler...and I can tell it hurts her feelings how unneccesarily stern and cold he can be to her. He can also open up and hug and cuddle with them...but it just doesnt seem warm, i guess.

 

Unfortunately the last time I poured my heart out to him about his treatment of our dd, he just got all sad and stonewalled me with the "I heard what you said" but no more communication. I just shut down...because its sad to me someone so loving can be such a sh*t about petty things. Anyway, he also came back with...he cant vent to anyone about his frustrations with our dd. Because I just automatically take up for them (this is NOT true all the time...I back him up lots and also vent when its been a rougher day than usual...but I dont take it out on my kids all the time either) So I suggested that perhaps he talk to a counselor since he doesnt think he can express his annoyance with my dd to me. I just wish he would get it. But Im thinking maybe he cant. Either way I have to wait for 2 more weeks now for anything to be done about this...and now his present...and I dont want sex or closeness with him...I know thats poison to a relationship...but I honestly feel as though he chooses to poison our relationship with his constant complaining about the messes kids tend to make...

 

WOW...Ive got a lot to think about. I love him dearly...he really is a wonderful man...I think just terribly misguided in his home and family life. Unfortunately the only way he knows tenderness is through people he respects as equals or lovers. Cause kids and "stupid" people drive him batty.

 

He says I always need something from him, and I dont think its fair he says that...since this is the only thing Ive talked to him about and its become uncomfortable...everything else we communicate well about. Just this one issue we cant seem to get right.

 

He feels frustrated and so do I. How can we get anywhere while waiting for this counseling session?

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I know from personal experience that often times counselors can help clear things up... the weird part about it though, it's not the counselor that does the work. It's the two of you, with a little direction and support from the counselor.

 

There is absolutely no partner out there that is perfect. It doesn't matter who you are with they will let you down in some ways and or need improving and/or work in other ways...

 

I say work on what you have. It's really and truly just a matter of expecting it all to come together the way it should, and knowing that you and the kids are worthy of it. Communicate to him in a clear, firm manner what you expect and need... He can't fix what he truly doesn't realize is broken.

 

My wife takes a greater role of parenting than I do (a regret of mine actually), I take the role of breadwinner and provider, but guess what? We are both strong and talented at what we doo and we know it. We allow each one of us to individually contribute what we are strongest at in the marriage and household...

 

Good Luck, be careful not to don't throw out the baby with the bathwater!

[mem11363]

ShesNot,

This is really sad. There is a WORLD of difference between under-parenting and toxic parenting. What he is doing is emotionally abusive to these kids. His punishments are simply extreme relative to their offences.

 

Worse they KNOW or will as they age that he really wishes they weren't around. I give the OP an A+ for trying to be a great partner. But ultimately she is going to lose her desire, and then flat our her ability to sleep with this guy. And then she will progress to hate.

 

The ONLY shot she has at this point is to postpone the marriage until he learns how NOT to be a bad parent. He actually does't need to be a "good" parent, just at the worst a neutral factor in their lives. They can get plenty of love from mom. But if they are subjected to a tense/edgy, angry punitive step father they are not going to turn out the same way they would in a healthy environment.

 

OP,

He needs to agree that all punishments get discussed with you first and also to some general ground rules as to what is an appropriate punishment for forgetting to turn the wii off, walking on the grass. That way you won't have to fight it out one infraction at a time. I wish you luck with this - but frankly unless you sort this out before the wedding you are basically telling him you accept it no matter what you "say". Maybe the therapist can explain in a neutral manner what "fair" punishments are.

 

Pre-marital behavior creates a huge expectation that is hard to change. Meaning if you marry him like this he is going to say "you knew I was like this when you married me".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know from personal experience that often times counselors can help clear things up... the weird part about it though, it's not the counselor that does the work. It's the two of you, with a little direction and support from the counselor.

 

There is absolutely no partner out there that is perfect. It doesn't matter who you are with they will let you down in some ways and or need improving and/or work in other ways...

 

I say work on what you have. It's really and truly just a matter of expecting it all to come together the way it should, and knowing that you and the kids are worthy of it. Communicate to him in a clear, firm manner what you expect and need... He can't fix what he truly doesn't realize is broken.

 

My wife takes a greater role of parenting than I do (a regret of mine actually), I take the role of breadwinner and provider, but guess what? We are both strong and talented at what we doo and we know it. We allow each one of us to individually contribute what we are strongest at in the marriage and household...

 

Good Luck, be careful not to don't throw out the baby with the bathwater!

[florence of suburbia]

This kind of nitpicking and overpunishing will backfire and give the kids emotional problems. In their teens if not sooner, they are liable to either withdraw or rebel and if this style of punishment continues they will not just blame your SO, they will also blame you for not calling foul. He sounds as though he really doesn't want kids at all. Ask yourself whether your values are even compatible.

[SoConfusledandHurt]

Thanks for your post (and everyone elses too!) Ive read here for awhile and have always compared my SO to you (you guys sound so much alike)

 

Ive taken your advice and asked that before he lay down the law, he always come to me first...and I will assess and then we can agree. At first he was like "you will disagree with me" and I said "well that may or may not happen...but you have to trust me to be fair" He then agreed. He already forgot last night...but I gave him a gentle reminder...and he regrouped. Last night he spent a lot of time with her cuddling, tickling, and just laughing...so I could have a shower...and I could hear her laughing and saying "I love you daddy" and he tell her the same. That was music to my ears.

 

All I ask for from my family is peace and harmony. When I act in this way...I notice an immediate improvement in everyones moods...even when disciplining...I stay calm and assertive. I ask that of my fiance. I think talking to a counserlor will help him out with learning about age appropriate discipline with the kids and probably teach him to listen Im not trying to beat up on him when I tell him he is being too punitive with the kids...that Im just trying to tell him he needs to check his own energy level...if he is stressed go somewhere else and let me handle it. If he is frustrated...he needs to find calm within himself. He is able to do it. I see that with his work.

 

Anyway...he KNOWS this is a problem, Ive been very clear, direct, and all of the above. And he could tell that I was feeling very different towards him the other day...so he has really made some steps in a positive direction...I just wish it would stay that way...sometimes I feel as though Im waiting for the other shoe to drop...

 

Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming...

[amy12344]

First of all...we have worked through our rough patches...mostly with the help of counseling.

 

Should I just end it? I dont know what Id do in that case...Ive built my life with him for the last 4 yrs and gave all my money to our home and family...I have nothing saved. Nothing of my own. If I leave...I leave with clothes, a dresser and the kids bedroom furniture. I have nothing else! Im freaking out! But at the same time just feel aggravated and not good enough for him that he has to focus on trivial stuff, which to him is not trivial.

 

I don't understand how you have worked through your "rough patches", but yet are contemplating leaving because living with him is awful.

 

And surely after four years of living together you are legally entitled to half of the household assets, no?

 

I would see a lawyer and find out your rights. It sounds as though he is a miserable jerk, hates children, takes you for granted, is depressed and irritable, and totally closed off to self-improvement. Yes, he recently surprised you with a nice gift. But what is the ratio of him being loving and sweet, and him being angry, unreasonable and distant? What is the ratio of you being happy, in love and content... and you feeling neglected, not listened to, and having your children emotionally abused?

[SoConfusledandHurt]

I already know Im not entitled to half of the things that are his possessions, and I wouldnt even want to do that....he worked hard for his possessions...and deserves them, even if we end.

 

Id say the ratio of him being loving to irritating is 7:3 So 70% of the time he is a supportive partner. Always proud of my accomplishments and even the kiddos too.

 

Mem's advice is working. Watching a Dr. Phil episode this morning together even helped about controlling spouses. The thing that drives me nuts is when he shuts down and forgets all the good things and lets his stress take over...but Mem's advice helped him and I think it will help me too.

 

He is a good man...works hard, takes me to lunches, dates (if we can find a babysitter) is an awesome lover, and provider. He just has some control issues that he needs help to work through.

[mem11363]

I am really really happy for you. My Wife gradually turned me from the half boy - half man she met at 26 into the person she totally loves today. Twenty one years of using the emotional sandblaster on the stuff that needed to be removed and the sexual amplifier on the good parts - and here I stand.

 

I am confident you can do the same. Sounds like you already are. I also think it is fantastic your daughter says "I love you daddy" as he must also be doing a lot of things right for that to happen.

 

 

 

 

I already know Im not entitled to half of the things that are his possessions, and I wouldnt even want to do that....he worked hard for his possessions...and deserves them, even if we end.

 

Id say the ratio of him being loving to irritating is 7:3 So 70% of the time he is a supportive partner. Always proud of my accomplishments and even the kiddos too.

 

Mem's advice is working. Watching a Dr. Phil episode this morning together even helped about controlling spouses. The thing that drives me nuts is when he shuts down and forgets all the good things and lets his stress take over...but Mem's advice helped him and I think it will help me too.

 

He is a good man...works hard, takes me to lunches, dates (if we can find a babysitter) is an awesome lover, and provider. He just has some control issues that he needs help to work through.