Time to give up? Probably.

[ALombard]

I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. I feel like an idiot for even being in this situation and feeling stuck, so help if you don't mind.

 

So for anyone who has been on this forum for a while knows the story with my ex. Well I haven't been on here for a while because things went from NC to her and I talking and hanging out every single day. Here's what happened...

 

My ex and I finally went complete NC back at the beginning of July, we were being somewhat friendly to eachother over the phone but it always came to a point where after a few days she would say something like, "I really don't want to screw things up with my new boyfriend, so lets stop talking." I would agree only to have her contact me again a week later. I finally just became so fed up with it that I told her I would no longer be picking up her phone calls and to leave me alone. After that, life was great. I rarely if ever thought about her, I was keeping my self occupied with work, a very active social life, and meeting new ladies. Things were great, and I honestly thought I would never hear from my ex again, and for once in my life since her and I split up...I was actually perfectly okay with that.

 

Well after a good solid run of NC I get a phone call from her one night, at 2 AM. I let her first call go to voicemail. She leaves actually left me a message which was surprising seeing as most often doesn't unless it is an emergency. Being a little worried I text her back asking her "what's up". She tells me she wants to talk to me, when I ask what about she informs me it was nothing bad and that she would really like to talk. I was hesitant but I picked up her next phone call. Our conversation consisted of how she had recently accepted Jesus into her life (I'm a devoted christian just FYI) and that God had been telling her to call me. I was taken back a little but she basically asked me to forgive her and that I could talk to her anytime. That was it, that was the conversation.

 

A few days later she calls me and asks if I would like to go to lunch, her treat, and talk about faith and God. Once again I was taken back, I never in my life thought she would become a Christian so I was actually interested to see if this was real. So we go to lunch and end up hanging out the rest of the day, and the next. After the second day of hanging out I get a text from her saying, " I can't keep doing this to my boyfriend, we have to stop hanging out." I tell her, "Ok, if that's what you want I'm fine with it." Yeah an hour later she texts me and we end up texting through out the day.

 

Then things took a turn, a few days later she asks if I would like to go to lunch and get drinks afterwards. I say sure and so we do.

 

Ever since then there has not been a day (minus weekends) that we have not seen eachother. The first few weeks of hanging out we would just get lunch and then part ways. Now I either go to her house for the day or she comes to mine. She is always making me lunch and dinner. She always wants me to visit her at work. Every morning she calls me before class, in between classes, and after class. She has brought me back into her families life as well, to the point where they now consider me family (which is huge seeing as before they wanted me dead). We are constantly together, constantly talking, and at times when we hang out were are very cuddly. We haven't done anything physical and here's why.

 

SHE STILL HAS HER F*CKING BOYFRIEND!

 

She was putting her relationship on the line just talking to me, now she is with me for 6 to 9 hours a day. She knows if he found out he would dump her. Her family has integrated me back into their lives to the point now where they call me weekly to just say "hi." Things have become SO great between her and I. Everything that was wrong before in our relationship doesn't exist. The only hang up is her d*mn boyfriend.

 

Now I have talked to her about the risk, which she says she is well aware of. She also told me that she is still in love with me. Ever since she became a Christian her boyfriend has become a complete a**hole to her. She tells me constantly about how they fight and so on.

 

So here's my situation, I feel like I am being played. Although I am not the one calling her or texting her to hang out I feel like she is using me for some sort of "emotional" support. I don't get how if she love this other guy how she would be willing to risk everything for me. I don't know whats going on in her head. When her and I talk about it she always tells me how things with him are so bad now, how she knows she needs to dump him, and that the only reason she hasn't is because she is afraid. Afraid of what people might think of her for coming back to me, and also afraid of what could happen if her and I got back together (things going back to the way they were before). I was going to cut things off with her last week when I had a full blown anxiety attack in the middle of church right next to her entire family. But before I called her, her Mom and Aunt called me to tell me that they understand what I must be going through and that I need to stay by her and wait because God has a plan for the two of us.

 

I don't know I'm not sad, just extremely frustrated with this situation.

 

Advice appreciated.

[Emptiness]

She needs to make a decision. And you need to stop letting her get what she wants by taking advantage of your nice nature.

 

I think you need to tell her you don't want this to continue and go back to NC again... she can text you if she dumps the bf and wants to be with you exclusively... otherwise she can bugger off

[Trovador]

I don't get it, you are a christian and go drinking with a woman and do everything with her but having sex?

 

But I guess there's no need to be religious to realize this is so wrong... maybe the other guy is a nice person and your ex talks wrong about him just to justify herself?

 

Why doesn't she dump him if he is an ***hole?

 

Be careful, man, I don't think God has plans for you, but she might...

[ALombard]

An update;

 

First thing, Trovador, I don't have any type of physical intimacey with her at all besides a few hugs. There have been a few occasions where we have cuddled, and she did tell me one time she really wanted to have sex with me. Funny thing she is a born again christian as well.

 

So anyway about this weekend...

 

Saturday morning I got off work and texted her to call me if she wanted to do something. Surprisingly, she does. She tells me that her and her best friend are going to get breakfast at a restaurant down the street from my house and that I should join them. This totally blew me away because as far as I was concerned I was supposed to be some kind of secret to her close friends so that her boyfriend wouldn't find out.

 

Well we eat and have a few drinks and the three of us decide that since the weather was cold and overcast to go bar hopping. Anyway, we end up taking a train down south which once again blew me away because she completely bailed on her boyfriend. So we get down to San Diego, get a hotel, get ready and go out. Have a great night. I don't know exactly what happened once we got back to the hotel but I do remember talking to her about how I feel. I do remember I basically poured my heart out to her in every sense of the word. Next morning she wasn't it a bad mood so obviously I didn't piss her off.

 

Now today she called me in the morning and asked me if I wanted to hang out, I say "ok" and we go to her house. She makes me dinner we watch a movie and I go home. I don't know what happened but ever since the night at the hotel I haven't felt happy being around her. I don't remember what I said but something must have switched in my head because when I was with her I was frustrated and tired of the situation.

 

I have finally hit a point where I started feeling like I should be at least if not a lot more selfish when it comes to me. This girl is with me everyday, I'm with her and her family everyday, I spend more time at her house than at mine. I slipped up for a while and actually started helping her out financially on a few occasions. Now I truely feel like the "plan B" guy. If she really, truelly did care about me as much as she said then there wouldn't be an issue. I understand she is scared of what might happen if we got back together, ie; things going bad again. But at the same time the situation is one sided it's ridiculous. I'm sitting here, alone and either frustrated or depressed because I have to go home ALONE and know that she is going to her boyfriends house. Here I am spending ALL MY FREE TIME with a girl who tells me she is in love with me but also her boyfriend. I have done more for her in the last 2 months than this guy has in the six months they've been together.

 

So yeah it finally hit me, maybe I am just the fall back for her. If I make her feel how good she says I do, and things are going good than why...Why isn't she willing to at least give it a chance. So tonight I texted her (because I knew she'd be at her boyfriends) and told her that I can no longer be hanging out with or talking to her as much. This situation is just making me as a girl who plays games. So who knows maybe after I stop putting all my time and effort into her she will see what she is losing or I'll just meet someone else not that I am not spending every waking moment with her.

[TomerT]

You know what - doesn't matter how good is she to you right now, the fact that she is acting like this toward her current (official) bf - shows a lot about her personality. This girl is a poison ! (wrapped as a shiny gift) For your own emotional (and may be even physical) safety - leave her NOW ! I know it is easy to say, hard to do, but have no doubts - one day will come and you will become in the position of her current bf. This is a pattern, not some innocent misunderstanding.

Regarding "God" arguments - I heard it so much from my beloved cheating, thankfully x-gf - it shows lack of maturity and unwillingness to take any responsibility for your decisions and actions. She will always has an excuse and justification for anything "This is God will"...no matter what (even for cheating on you)...trust me - it is already proven ! Don't make mistakes of others (unfortunately for most of us this is the only way to learn - the hard way)

[Am4Real]

So yeah it finally hit me, maybe I am just the fall back for her. If I make her feel how good she says I do, and things are going good than why...Why isn't she willing to at least give it a chance. So tonight I texted her (because I knew she'd be at her boyfriends) and told her that I can no longer be hanging out with or talking to her as much. This situation is just making me as a girl who plays games. So who knows maybe after I stop putting all my time and effort into her she will see what she is losing or I'll just meet someone else not that I am not spending every waking moment with her.

 

REad TomerT's repsonse to you, then re-read it; then re-read it again. I'm guessing after you read it three times you will understand how you are being played.

 

She is feeling guilty for her actions and was likely cheating on you before you offically broke up. It's eating away at her and she is trying to get comfortable with you being in a good position before she dumps you again, this time for good. If not for the current boyfriend then for someone else new and shiny.

 

Remember this: if she wanted you back in her life with intamacy and "love" she would tell you and act accordingly. Period.

 

Do you understand this?

[Am4Real]

Regarding "God" arguments - I heard it so much from my beloved cheating, thankfully x-gf - it shows lack of maturity and unwillingness to take any responsibility for your decisions and actions. She will always has an excuse and justification for anything "This is God will"...no matter what (even for cheating on you)...trust me - it is already proven ! Don't make mistakes of others (unfortunately for most of us this is the only way to learn - the hard way)

 

Oh but Tomer...remember "God had a plan for them", LOL.

 

God...ya right. The Easter Bunny has a plan as well; it's right up there on the book shelf with Santa Claus' plan and all the other religious based cartoon characters.

 

I can respect religious beliefs but cannot respect anyone who uses them as excuses for imaginative situations and certainly these types of behaviors. The family sounds like a bunch of idiots much like their daughter.

 

I would run, run, run!!!!!

[PegNosePete]

Our conversation consisted of how she had recently accepted Jesus into her life (I'm a devoted christian just FYI) and that God had been telling her to call me.

Run. Run away very fast. I have nothing against religion or Christians, but I do have a problem when people use religion to [try to] manipulate others. For her to claim that God told her to call you, is madness. How did God tell her to call you, does He have her phone number? Does he leave messages in her alphabetti spaghetti? I don't mean to mock religion, but it seems she is just using that to justify her actions. As a Christian yourself, would you ever use that line on someone to get them to talk to you?

 

her Mom and Aunt called me to tell me that they understand what I must be going through and that I need to stay by her and wait because God has a plan for the two of us.

Mums and aunts are always biased towards what they think is best for their daughter/niece. It seems they like you more than her new guy. If God has some kind of "plan" for the two of you then why does she have another bf? Why aren't her mum and aunt telling her about God's supposed plan? As I understand it (which admittedly is not very much), God granted human beings free will. You need to use yours, and get her out of your life.

Edited October 19, 2010 by PegNosePete

[SithLord]

**** god, only u can take urself out the situation...people need to

Stop praying to external forces to save them, only U can get urself out the situation. People have to sum up their inner courage!! Again I have nothing against regilion etc cc but only US can make things happen.

[ALombard]

This is why I love this site. All that I read is very good, sound advice.

 

I've been looking at the situation for a while now and I have had a few concerns pop in my head. First and foremost what she's doing to her current boyfriend...going behind his back to hang out with me, talking to me behind his back, actually hooking up with me last weekend (albiet we were both completely wasted and she stopped me about 5 minutes in, she still did it). Doing these things and then telling me she "loves him".

 

Second, she treats me like we are IN a relationship. Examples, if she calls more than twice and I don't pick up I am immediately hit with a text asking where I am, or how come I am not picking up. If I tell her that I don't want to hang out that day I am asked why. If I get a phone call and leave the room or get a text from someone when I am around her I am asked who I am talking to. I feel like these reactions aren't really justified, she has a boyfriend. Why does it matter who i am talking to or why I don't want to hang out that day or why I didn't pick up my phone. Last time I checked, information like that doesn't really need to be shared with a person you are not in a relationship with especially an ex.

 

I have obviously given her too much credit and I have basically not just placed but I have full on thrown the ball into her court.

 

Are things between us better in the fact that we don't fight with eachother, yell at eachother, and that her family is now completely in love with me? Yes things are better than I could have asked for, but it still comes down really to what the situation REALLY is.

 

She is going behind her boyfriends back, hiding me away from her close friends, and making sure she is never found out. She is spending all day with me and then goes to her boyfriends house for the night, she rarely if ever hangs out with me on weekends. I am there for her when she needs me basically, we do things on her terms or not at all. When I try to talk to her about what the f*ck is going on I always get the same response. If she is being honest when she says she loves me, great! Then show me and make an effort with me or just leave me alone. I am so beyond done with this because I don't know what she expects of me...to wait around until SHE decides to break up with even or until he decides to break up with her? I have way too much self respect for that.

 

Oh yeah I was talking to some co-workers about this for the last 2 hours that's why my perception has changed.

[kaycstamper]

It sounds like she is playing you because she is.

Number one consideration for a partner is their character. What she's been doing to her BF proves what her character is. That you go along with it doesn't say much for yours. Let her go, Buddy...the sooner the better.

[reknown29]

couldn't have said it better than kay. you should be angry with yourself for getting involved with this girl. by your posts it is obvious that you are a much better person. move on and down the road you will be glad you did, no matter what you might be thinking now.

[Trovador]

I'd have run away long ago, if only to avoid at all costs the old "I'm expecting your child" trick... on me or on the other guy...

[TLCbear]

Sorry to say, but this is really silly. Where is your self respect? Why in the world would you be hanging out, calling, and texting your ex anyway knowing she has a boyfriend? Why participate? And it's sad to see you want another chance with this girl KNOWING how she's treating her current bf...this could be you.

[DustySaltus]

She's getting her emotional needs filled by you and her physical needs filled by someone else...doesn't seem like a fair deal to me. Stick to NC. Whether or not she found Jesus, she has not found herself....

[TomerT]

Good that you started realizing things. I would suggest simply to disappear from her life. Block her number (change your cell if necessary)...Please notice, even if she will dump her poor bf and run into your arms, crying and begging that you are the only one - nothing changed...she is still the same person who conducted double life, hurting her bf (he will be in more pain when he will reveal all this, and he will), hurting you by holding you on the short leash. So, just do yourself a favour, disappear from her life without any explanations to her. Ask your self what should happen in order you to realize that she is selfish, manipulative person and disrespect both of you ?

[ALombard]

Yeah so I ended whatever it was her and I were doing. If anyone is actually interested in details I can post them, just don't feel like doing it right this moment.

[TomerT]

Good for you ! Really, I know it may not be an easy decision for you !

Stick with it. Every time that you feel like calling or texting her - go to gym. I found Boxing Bag is very helpful I already have blue signs on my fists, but eventually it feels much better Keep us posted (if you feel like it). Good luck and welcome to your new free life !