He doesn't want kids

[Amy82]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5yrs. We've been living together for 10 months. We were friends prior to dating, and he had told me back then that he didn't want kids. We hooked up one night, and straight away I said I wasn't interested in anything more, because I had always wanted kids, and wouldn't date someone who felt otherwise. Regardless though, he persisted, and we fell in love very quickly. We have a great time together, get along so well, resolve any disagreements quickly, and love each other to bits.

 

However, I was always worried about the kids issue. So, I asked him again about 3months later if he still felt the same way. He told me he had changed his mind, and could see himself getting married and having kids. I don't know if I truly believed him, but I hoped. He even went so far as to start telling his mum and friends his grand plans for proposing to me. He whispered them in front of me to others, which really got my hopes up. But, liking surprises I kept quiet. So, then he asked me to buy a house with him. Being somewhat old fashioned though, I refused. I told him I wouldn't buy a house with someone until I was married or engaged, and I already own a unit myself.

 

So, he bought a place himself and asked me to move in. I was still anxious about the whole kids thing, so I asked him to think long and hard and tell me whether or not he wanted kids and marriage one day. After a couple of weeks he came back to me and said, "yes, I can do that". So, we moved in together and have been extremely happy since.

 

About 2 months ago I started to get annoyed that he hadn't yet proposed to me. I had made it clear to him after 1 year of dating, that at 2 years I expected serious thoughts on marriage. So, I gave him an ultimatum (after many hints and discussions on the topic) - either propose and be prepared for kids, or I would leave. Well, he chucked a massive tantrum, but after a couple of days came back and said "OK, within 6 months". I was pretty upset that it had come to that, but happy that I had made myself clear.

 

Unfortunately, 2 weeks ago he sat me down and said "I never want to get married, and I never want to have kids". He couldn't give me any reasons, and clearly wanted me to stay, but said he'd been thinking about it for 2months and didn't want to tell me because he knew I'd go. So, I was upset and shocked, but I had not a second thought on the matter. I told him I was leaving and took off to my parents. And, here I am.

 

I am probably 97% sure that I have done the right thing, but that 3% weighs so much! I am so afraid that I might never find a man so perfectly suited to me, or even be able to have kids for that matter. But, seeing as we're both 28, I feel it's the sort of thing that needs to be started sooner rather than later..

 

I'd love to hear your opinions, or from people in the same situation.

 

Thanks for listening.

[grungesponge]

Yeah it sounds like you two just aren't right for each other even though you may be in love. I don't agree with the ultimatum as that just creates more pressure and it was probably hanging over his head the whole time. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who kept bringing that up all the time. It should happen because both people want it to.

 

He could have been more honest with you rather than leading you on too. It sounds like he may have been lying to himself to be with you. He probably just isn't the marrying type. I totally understand that in today's society as it is a huge gamble, but if thats what you want then you should be seeking out men that express a desire for that life from the beginning.

[Sweet_Tea]

I understand why you would give an ultimatum; you don't want to waste your time but I also tend to agree with grungesponge, that ultimatum's create pressure.

 

I think you did the right thing in the end. If you have different goals and you are headed in different directions you're bound to part. If marriage is important to you and he doesn't believe in it then neither of you should have to compromise.

 

Marriage isn't important to my ex but it is to me. I want to get married one day and he used to talk about marriage with me but at the end of the day he doesn't ever want to get married. He thought a mortgage and kids were more secure than a marriage certificate. And I wasn't sure I wanted kids...

 

I'm also worried I won't find anyone that I have such a strong connection with but you just have to have faith that there is someone better suited to you out there that will want the same things in life that way you are working towards the same things together.

[alwayshoping]

A friend of mine once said sometimes loves not enough.

 

In this case maybe its true? if he loved you and really wanted you to be the happiest girl in the world why wouldnt he propose and have a lovely family with you?

 

People these days are crazy and dont know what they have until its gone!

[Cee]

I think it's wrong that your ex manipulated you into a relationship by saying he changed his mind and wanted children. I knew I didn't want children from the age of 13. I think because I'm a woman, it wasn't a big deal in dating over the years. Guys didn't seem to care. Now that I am older, the child discussion comes up quickly b/c I've noticed men have biological clocks. But guys my age dying for bio children don't date 40 year old women- they date younger.

 

I have a male friend who is in his 40s and never wanted kids. He had a vasectomy many years ago so women always know from the git go about him. However, he has been in situations where his girlfriends want kids, but cannot choose between kids or him. He tells them that they should leave if they want to have children, but they are so gaga for him that they are devastated by the thought of leaving him.

 

It's not an easy thing to give up on the love of your life to choose an unknown future. But clearly you want marriage/family a lot & he can't give that to you. There are plenty of men who want children at your age, there is no rush to find a great love.