worth it to keep seeing this guy??

[souvlaki]

So I've been dating this guy for a month. We're both in our twenties. I really, really like him, but from the start I was cautious because I knew he had ended a relationship over the summer.

 

When I broached the subject initially he left it ambiguous whether or not he was willing to pursue something serious with me. He basically gave me some hope, but wasn't totally explicit about it.

 

We've unfortunately slept together, and I was starting to feel really uncomfortable with the uncertainty of whether he was for real. So I sent him an email yesterday, after our most recent date.

 

Here's what I wrote:

 

Dear XXX,

 

I really enjoyed last night. I mean, I always like hanging out with you. But something's gnawing at me. Straight up, I have to ask if you see any future for a relationship. You mentioned that you recently ended one, so I can relate to why you feel hesitant. I'm not looking for something really serious right now either. But I also don't want to be in a situation where there isn't any potential at all. We talked about this briefly once before, but we barely knew each other, so we sort of left it hanging.

 

I hope writing this is the right thing to do. I like you. I think we have a lot of common. I really enjoy talking to you, and the other stuff too. I think I just need a better sense of where you're coming from.

 

-Me

 

His response:

 

Hey ------,

 

I think it's an appropriate time to bring this up as well. I was actually thinking about discussing it last night before we met, but we got pretty caught up in our conversation and the thought fell by the wayside. Half a bottle of wine probably didn't help...

 

Anyway, yes, we should talk about this. I respect your position and assume that you'll make the most responsible choices for yourself, so I'll present my feelings directly: I'm still emotionally invested in my last girlfriend and the issues of that relationship. Before we met I was expecting (and was okay with) a pretty long period of solitude or very casual flings. That's not to say that I'm *opposed* to dating you seriously: I find you very attractive, I like you quite a bit, and we continue to have what I think are very positive experiences together.

 

I think the potential for more serious dating is there, but right now I want to leave myself open to seeing other people and realistically that means we might only "date" a few times a month. If that doesn't sound appealing to you then I completely understand: I have been on both sides of that emotional fence.

 

If that's a relationship you'd feel comfortable in then I think the experience would continue to be a positive one for both of us. But if you aren't comfortable seeing me romantically under those circumstances I can respect that choice as well -- hopefully there would still be some grounds for a different kind of friendship.

 

I don't think this needs to be settled immediately, but I'm glad we're discussing it. What do you think? Why aren't you looking for a more serious relationship right now (you don't need to answer if that's too personal -- I'm just curious)?

 

-XXX

 

Anyway, I've been hemming and hawing over what to write back for the past day. I really like him, and we have incredible conversations and a sh3t ton in common. But I don't know if it's worth continuing to date him knowing he may be screwing other women at the same time , or always wondering if it will lead anywhere. Also, I wonder if it would actually DECREASE the chances of him ever coming around if I were to continue to date him under these circumstances. Like maybe he'll lose respect for me. What do you guys think? I'm leaning towards breaking things off, but I want to leave the door a crack open if he feels ready for a relationship down the line. How do I do that with grace?

 

Also, I'm unsure about the idea of even staying friends with him. I think I could handle it, but I'm worried it will essentially "friendzone" me, you know?

[Star Gazer]

If a serious relationship truly isn't your end goal, you wouldn't have even asked the question/sent that email to begin with. He knows that too.

 

I think you're justified in feeling knowing full well that he wants to date other people, and likely have sex with them, while he's having sex with you. I also think you're right that he's bound to lose respect for you given that he's told you what's on the menu. If you continue to order, that's all on you and you'll have no right to complain.

[souvlaki]

If a serious relationship truly isn't your end goal, you wouldn't have even asked the question/sent that email to begin with. He knows that too.

 

I think you're justified in feeling knowing full well that he wants to date other people, and likely have sex with them, while he's having sex with you. I also think you're right that he's bound to lose respect for you given that he's told you what's on the menu. If you continue to order, that's all on you and you'll have no right to complain.

 

I guess it depends on how you define serious. I think what I'm looking for right now is somewhere between a casual relationship and a serious relationship, like something exclusive that could turn into something serious down the road, you know? But monogamy is important to me.

 

So I guess what I meant is, yes, serious IS my end goal, but it's not what I want at this very moment since that would be too soon with anyone.

 

I think you're right that he will lose respect for me, and I'll end up feeling crappy.

Edited October 16, 2010 by souvlaki

[FL Lady]

Just reading between the lines in his email - I think he'd jump at the chance to get back with his ex.

 

My advice would be to move on and look for other guys to date too.

 

Stay friends with him, but know it is not going anywhere.

[atlnay]

Also, I'm unsure about the idea of even staying friends with him. I think I could handle it, but I'm worried it will essentially "friendzone" me, you know?

 

lol...men don't typically friendzone women they find attractive and have slept with.

 

OP, consider yourself lucky. This dude was absolutely honest with you about where he is at right now, his feelings and his intentions.

 

He's not in the frame of mind for a committed relationship out the bat, but open to one. He wants to date other people and you. That's what dating is, till you find the one for you.

 

After one month, it's not to say you aren't or won't ever be, it's just he's not ready for that move after 4 weeks just coming out of a relationship he's still emotionally invested in.

 

If you are a one guy kinda gal, you may need to move on and find someone on the same page with you. I'd also suggest, hold off on sleeping with them till you get to that exclusivity point, any sooner only complicates things later.

 

You said monogamy is important to you, that is a good thing and you can let him know that.

 

Thank him for his honesty and tell him your stance on being mongamous and since you two don't seem to be on the same page, perhaps will be better off as platonic friends (you friendzone him first) while you continue to look for the relationship you want. Good luck to ya!

[souvlaki]

OK, I ended things.

 

Here's what I sent:

 

That doesn't really appeal to me. When I said I'm not looking for something serious, I meant I don't want to jump right into a full blown relationship with anybody. I'd rather take things slow and see where they go. I guess I also have a hangover from my last relationship, which ended in the late spring. That said, I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to date people I know I have no future with.

 

I like monogamy, and once sex gets involved I wouldn't consider dating somebody non-exclusively for an indefinite stretch. Even when I had a short-term relationship with an expiry once, it was exclusive while it lasted. I respect where you're coming from, but what you want sounds empty to me.

 

I don't want to close the door to something happening in the future. I like you and I think we have potential. But we're obviously looking for different things right now.

 

--------

 

I feel a bit sad, but overall relieved that it's off my plate.

[sagetalk]

This is a conversation you should have in person or on the phone, not an email.

 

There is rarely a friendszone for women. If you're having sex with him you're not in the friendszone. You're free sex with no commitment, that's lower than a friend.

[Star Gazer]

This is a conversation you should have in person or on the phone, not an email.

 

There is rarely a friendszone for women. If you're having sex with him you're not in the friendszone. You're free sex with no commitment, that's lower than a friend.

 

Agreed. Sending an email to discuss this subject also indicates that you're more invested than you're letting on, and afraid of rejection, yet also no confident in yourself. As for friendzone - not possible.

[xpaperxcutx]

OK, I ended things.

 

Here's what I sent:

 

That doesn't really appeal to me. When I said I'm not looking for something serious, I meant I don't want to jump right into a full blown relationship with anybody. I'd rather take things slow and see where they go. I guess I also have a hangover from my last relationship, which ended in the late spring. That said, I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to date people I know I have no future with.

 

I like monogamy, and once sex gets involved I wouldn't consider dating somebody non-exclusively for an indefinite stretch. Even when I had a short-term relationship with an expiry once, it was exclusive while it lasted. I respect where you're coming from, but what you want sounds empty to me.

 

I don't want to close the door to something happening in the future. I like you and I think we have potential. But we're obviously looking for different things right now.

 

--------

 

I feel a bit sad, but overall relieved that it's off my plate.

 

Good for you.

 

Although I don't understand why you felt the need to hash out all these little explanations just to get your point across. A simple " Thank you, goodbye" would have warranted.

 

And no, you shouldn't be friends with him since, you're basically not his " friend" to begin with.

[souvlaki]

Here's what he wrote back:

 

Hey,

 

I understand. And I'm usually the same way when sex comes up -- I didn't mean to make it sound like I'm running around with a bunch of girls. I just need some time to reflect on what went wrong in my last relationship before I open up to the possibility of getting invested in someone else. The mistakes I made there are ones that I really don't want to repeat and I haven't got a clear idea yet of why I made them.

 

Are you still interested in hanging out once in a while in a less romantic capacity?

 

XXXX

 

------

 

I haven't responded yet. I'm still conflicted about whether I should remain his friend. I also don't really understand why he wants to keep hanging out with me since I made it clear I wasn't interested in sex with him anymore.

[souvlaki]

 

And no, you shouldn't be friends with him since, you're basically not his " friend" to begin with.

 

We did have a strong connection aside from the non-platonic stuff. So there is basis for a friendship. I just don't know if I could handle it.

[lso802]

Let the guy go. If you want to be friends, I don't think you should spend any one-on-one time with him. Be in a group. Otherwise, you'll just get hurt.

[carhill]

Are you still interested in hanging out once in a while in a less romantic capacity?

 

If the man isn't an established platonic friend, this is man-speak for 'booty call'. Since you've had sex with the guy, he's not exactly platonic.

 

I note the rest of his message was very reasonable, respectful and understanding. You want to believe it. All of it. I can understand that.

 

You know what would have made me believe it? If he had shared it in person, looking in your eyes, then I'd be more inclined to believe it, all of it. Additionally, that's some pretty deep stuff for knowing each other all of a month.

 

Color me ambivalent. Don't be a booty call, however. Watch for his actions to match his respectful words. If you don't think you can 'hang out', tell him. I'm sure he'll understand. Good luck

[souvlaki]

If the man isn't an established platonic friend, this is man-speak for 'booty call'. Since you've had sex with the guy, he's not exactly platonic.

 

I note the rest of his message was very reasonable, respectful and understanding. You want to believe it. All of it. I can understand that.

 

You know what would have made me believe it? If he had shared it in person, looking in your eyes, then I'd be more inclined to believe it, all of it. Additionally, that's some pretty deep stuff for knowing each other all of a month.

 

Color me ambivalent. Don't be a booty call, however. Watch for his actions to match his respectful words. If you don't think you can 'hang out', tell him. I'm sure he'll understand. Good luck

 

Call me crazy, but it seems like it would be incredibly disrespectful and weird for him to be suggesting a booty call arrangement when I just explicitly told him I didn't want sex with him anymore. I'm taking what he said at face value. He doesn't seem like the slimy type.

 

What's deep stuff for only having known each other a month?

[carhill]

What's deep stuff for only having known each other a month

Re-read his letter in your OP. Look at the words. I'm assuming they were in an e-mail.

 

I approach this from the perspective of having a reputation here and in real life for being 'deep' and getting into 'serious' subjects too early, but can share that, in my most recent dating experiences, we were happily enjoying dinner, movies and shopping in that first month, without all the 'deep' stuff. I was asked questions about my marital status and what I wanted out of relationships and answered, topically, and then went on to the next interesting subject. The difference is those questions were asked and answered *in person*, which IMO makes a huge difference in perception. I'll also add that I'm separated, so 'it's complicated', right? No, it's not really, hence my comment.

 

What I'm conflicted about is his calm demeanor juxtaposed with his ' I'm still emotionally invested in my last girlfriend and the issues of that relationship.' He's talking about it, and how it affects his feelings and your dating interactions, like it's happening to someone else, but, hold it, he's also pursuing (or had pursued) you sexually. If he's so invested in his ex, why is he dating/having sex you? Oh, right, he *was* expecting this long period of solitude and gol darn it if you didn't mess up his plans by coming into his life when he was so vulnerable. Interesting how that works. Men are so confusing

 

So, if you believe him, and you assert that he's not 'slimy' (not that I think booty calls are slimy, merely men and woman wanting to satisfy their sexual needs), then accept his kind invitations to 'hang out' and watch his actions support his words. Now that I think of it, that will be really good information. He could become a great friend, even if he's working through some difficult emotions right now, and perhaps you can reconnect romantically later down the road. My only warning would be to be aware of your attraction to him coloring your feelings about the friendship. BTDT. Time reveals all truths.

[Mellisa]

Hey ------,

 

I think it's an appropriate time to bring this up as well. I was actually thinking about discussing it last night before we met, but we got pretty caught up in our conversation and the thought fell by the wayside. Half a bottle of wine probably didn't help...

 

Anyway, yes, we should talk about this. I respect your position and assume that you'll make the most responsible choices for yourself, so I'll present my feelings directly: I'm still emotionally invested in my last girlfriend and the issues of that relationship. Before we met I was expecting (and was okay with) a pretty long period of solitude or very casual flings. That's not to say that I'm *opposed* to dating you seriously: I find you very attractive, I like you quite a bit, and we continue to have what I think are very positive experiences together.

 

I think the potential for more serious dating is there, but right now I want to leave myself open to seeing other people and realistically that means we might only "date" a few times a month. If that doesn't sound appealing to you then I completely understand: I have been on both sides of that emotional fence.

 

If that's a relationship you'd feel comfortable in then I think the experience would continue to be a positive one for both of us. But if you aren't comfortable seeing me romantically under those circumstances I can respect that choice as well -- hopefully there would still be some grounds for a different kind of friendship.

 

I don't think this needs to be settled immediately, but I'm glad we're discussing it. What do you think? Why aren't you looking for a more serious relationship right now (you don't need to answer if that's too personal -- I'm just curious)?

 

-XXX

 

 

From what he wrote, the impression i got was basically he didnt really care...espeically that he mentioned seeing other people! He's just not that into you and the chances he's gonna come around are very slim since a month is a enough amount of time to tell.He enjoyed time with you and that's it.What guy would turn down free companionship and sex?He made it clear what he can offer and now it's your decision to make whether that's worth staying or not.

 

As a rational observer, i would tell you to walk away and save yourself from future heart brokens but i know how hard it can be when you feel you really like someone...You are already in a vulnerable situation when you care more than the other does,the question is how vulnerable would you be willing to let yourself be and can you handle a worse broken heart down the line? Is it worth the risk of that? If the answers are yes, then put your ego and expecations aside and just go stick it out and see for yourself what's there. You might found something that make it all worthwhile or you might find nothing and only to have your heart broken worse. Personally, i would always give it every chances i could so that i wouldnt leave any regret. I got my heart broken but i knew i had tried everything i could so i got to move on without wondering the"could have" or "might have". Although the way i look at now, it wasnt something worth it but i have no regret, even when it turned out to be a mistake, i had to make it and saw for myself.

 

That being said, there is a approach you can take. You can cut him off for a while and see if he's comes back, if he doesnt, you'll know for sure he doesnt care and you get to move on.Sometimes some people need just that to figure out what the other truely means to them.This is a more extreme risky approach.If he doesnt come back, that's it and there is no room and time left for turing around.

 

What do you think? Just follow your heart and dont over analyze. If he really likes you, you'll see and it doesnt matter what you do. If he doesnt, you'll know also and it doesnt matter what you do either.

 

Hope that helps:)

[Star Gazer]

Here's what he wrote back:

 

Hey,

 

I understand. And I'm usually the same way when sex comes up -- I didn't mean to make it sound like I'm running around with a bunch of girls.

 

That is blatant code for "I'm just not that into you." If he's normally that way, he's be that way now, if he was really into you.

 

Are you still interested in hanging out once in a while in a less romantic capacity?

 

Less romantic = still have sex, but without the "date" part.

[eerie_reverie]

That is blatant code for "I'm just not that into you." If he's normally that way, he's be that way now, if he was really into you.

 

 

 

Less romantic = still have sex, but without the "date" part.

 

I don't think he's "not that into you" so much as he isn't looking for a relationship at this point in his life. When someone wants to be single, it doesn't matter who you are or what you do, they will continue to want to be single. Not everyone is looking for love, as those of us who are, are prone to believe. In my opinion, a lot of the time, it ISN'T you, it's him.

 

I actually trust his intentions with wanting to be friends. Key word: intentions. I don't think you guys would be able to live up to said good intentions tho. Even though you have a good connection with this guy, IMO a friendship at this point would not be possible. Friends are people you can depend on, who you don't want to bang (too much), who make you feel good about yourself. I don't see him fulfilling any of those requirements.

 

I think you should be thankful he has been honest, that you didn't waste too much of your time, and put this behind you.

[souvlaki]

To those who think he's suggesting a bootie call with his closing line, I would be shocked if that's what he meant. I said explicitly in my last message that I am not interested in non-exclusive sex with you. I mean to blatantly suggest a bootie call after I said that so directly would just be downright stupid.

 

Like:

 

Me: I don't want to be a bootie call.

Him: Hey, I understand. So how would you feel about you being a bootie call?

 

Also, based on our in person interactions, this sort of behavior doesn't line up with his personality.

 

I think he genuinely wants to be friends. I agree with the poster above that those are his intentions, but who knows how it would play out in reality.

I guess I'm just surprised that he even wants to be friends. Usually guys aren't interested in keeping girls as friends that they've dated/screwed.

 

I'm still totally on the fence about whether to stay friends with him. I'm considering having it a go, in a very cautious sort of way. I think after our first meeting I'll have a pretty good sense of whether a friendship is actually feasible. I'm sad about the thought of losing him as a friend because we did have a great connection. But you guys may be right that it will just torture me to see him. I really don't know how I'll react. I also kind of want to keep some connection with him going, because cutting him off totally would close the door to anything happening down the line. Hmm...I have to think about this some more before I write back.

 

By the way, I'm actually glad we had this talk through email rather than in person, because it has allowed me the time to reflect what I want and choose words that really convey how I feel. In person, I might have thoughtlessly agreed to something I wasn't comfortable with or not gotten my point across to full effect. The downside to not talking about this in person is that there's no tone behind the words, so you can only take them at face value.

Edited October 17, 2010 by souvlaki

[carhill]

Usually guys aren't interested in keeping girls as friends that they've dated/screwed.

 

Yes, and so quickly at that. Time will tell

[atlnay]

OP, can you handle being his platonic friend, say you are out hiking or whatever you both have in common, and another female texts him about their date later that nite and he thanks his "good buddy" (you) for the time but he has to go and get ready?

 

OR

 

Can you handle being around him at his house late at nite watching a movie, after a few beers he starts pawing on you (since you've already slept with him)?

 

How exactly do you see the both of you continuing at this point, since you value his friendship and want to keep him in your life?

[Star Gazer]

To those who think he's suggesting a bootie call with his closing line, I would be shocked if that's what he meant. I said explicitly in my last message that I am not interested in non-exclusive sex with you. I mean to blatantly suggest a bootie call after I said that so directly would just be downright stupid.

 

I think he genuinely wants to be friends. I agree with the poster above that those are his intentions, but who knows how it would play out in reality.

I guess I'm just surprised that he even wants to be friends. Usually guys aren't interested in keeping girls as friends that they've dated/screwed.

 

You're either willfully blind, or really naive.

 

You're right that guys don't keep girls as friends that they've dated/screwed, unless they have ulterior motives.

 

Of course he's not outright suggesting a booty call. Very few guys do. What he's doing is keeping you around, someone he knows likes him, wants him, and enjoys having sex with him, so that when he creates the perfect opportunity for sex to happen again under this purported "less romantic capacity," you'll be likely to give in. And from there, the non-exclusive sexual relationship will return...

[souvlaki]

OP, can you handle being his platonic friend, say you are out hiking or whatever you both have in common, and another female texts him about their date later that nite and he thanks his "good buddy" (you) for the time but he has to go and get ready?

 

OR

 

Can you handle being around him at his house late at nite watching a movie, after a few beers he starts pawing on you (since you've already slept with him)?

 

How exactly do you see the both of you continuing at this point, since you value his friendship and want to keep him in your life?

 

I've had the same thoughts. I don't really know how or if a friendship could work in reality. If I do decide on a friendship, I'll see what he proposes in terms of us hanging out and won't agree to anything that sounds sketchy. I'm hoping we can mostly hang out in a group setting.

[souvlaki]

You're either willfully blind, or really naive.

 

You're right that guys don't keep girls as friends that they've dated/screwed, unless they have ulterior motives.

 

Of course he's not outright suggesting a booty call. Very few guys do. What he's doing is keeping you around, someone he knows likes him, wants him, and enjoys having sex with him, so that when he creates the perfect opportunity for sex to happen again under this purported "less romantic capacity," you'll be likely to give in. And from there, the non-exclusive sexual relationship will return...

 

But you seem to think I have no free agency in this. If he didn't respect my boundaries I could always say, "no, that's not cool," and cut him off as a friend.

Edited October 17, 2010 by souvlaki

[atlnay]

I've had the same thoughts. I don't really know how or if a friendship could work in reality. If I do decide on a friendship, I'll see what he proposes in terms of us hanging out and won't agree to anything that sounds sketchy. I'm hoping we can mostly hang out in a group setting.

 

Forgive the constant questions, it's the amateur psychologist in me

 

But, why are you waiting to see what he proposes? Not to imply that you need to be bitchy and set in your ways.

 

But you seem to be leaving the ball in his court as to what your relationship is and or isn't and where it's going or not.

 

And I realize the scope of the forum you are only able to reveal but so much and emotions and and body language can throw a logical situation off, but still. You can empower yourself by honestly looking at him and what he has to offer (he plainly stated in email) and see if that is a fit for you.

 

If it isn't, for whatever reason. Make a decision on how he will factor into YOUR life and then move on accordingly.

 

You said you prefer group settings, don't HOPE he suggests that. TELL him.

 

"Ok dude, I like you and we have so much in common, I'd hate to lose your friendship because of sex. How bout we see each other at team trivia/river rafting or whatever group outing is next on the schedule and take care till I see you again."

 

It ends things on a positive, upbeat note. He knows when he sees you again you'll at least be friendly and who knows, as you focus on meeting the dude that's on the same page as you are relationship wise, he may take a second look at you and decide he's over his past and if you still like him, you can hook up then.

 

Good luck to you!