KarmasTestDummy Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 First two days were easy, but today not so much despite a busy day of work and having friends at the house to distract me'. Ahh well it's not working so well, but at least I know contacting him isn't an option. So...had to come get my exmm thoughts out. Man I hate weekends when I'm NC. Unless I stay really busy all I do is wallow. Sad movies, too much liquor and don't barely leave my bed. Not this weekend. My girlfriends are whisking me' away to the beach for the weekend. It should be a ton of fun and I have no intention of being a hormonal depressed friend who ruins everyone's weekend fun. No clue what the purpose in posting is...just getting my feelings off my chest so i can put it behind me'. That's all. Thanks for listening.
sc58 Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 First two days were easy, but today not so much despite a busy day of work and having friends at the house to distract me'. Ahh well it's not working so well, but at least I know contacting him isn't an option. So...had to come get my exmm thoughts out. Man I hate weekends when I'm NC. Unless I stay really busy all I do is wallow. Sad movies, too much liquor and don't barely leave my bed. I do the exact same thing...This is only day 2 of NC for me, but I have tried this before and know that about 3-4 days into it, it starts getting really hard and all I do is wallow, like you. I just lay in bed watching romantic movies, crying, wondering how I got myself into this whole mess...Hopefully this time I will not break down and call him. Everytime I think of calling him, I go on this site, and it helps to read the posts that reaffirms my decision to go NC. Although it feels like sh*t now, even if I do see my xMM, the happiness that comes from that will be shortlived. I always tried to get him to stay just little bit longer, and if we lost track of time, never mentioned it because I was just so happy with the moments I had with him. But afterwards, he went home to his wife, and I was left feeling just as sad, if not more, as I do now. Hang in there, you have a good group of friends who will take your mind off of things. Unfortunately for me, I lost touch with almost all of my friends because of this A. I have no one to call, no one to "whisk me away" and distract me from all this pain. Count yourself lucky and enjoy your time at the beach!
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 I do the exact same thing...This is only day 2 of NC for me, but I have tried this before and know that about 3-4 days into it, it starts getting really hard and all I do is wallow, like you. I just lay in bed watching romantic movies, crying, wondering how I got myself into this whole mess...Hopefully this time I will not break down and call him. Everytime I think of calling him, I go on this site, and it helps to read the posts that reaffirms my decision to go NC. Although it feels like sh*t now, even if I do see my xMM, the happiness that comes from that will be shortlived. I always tried to get him to stay just little bit longer, and if we lost track of time, never mentioned it because I was just so happy with the moments I had with him. But afterwards, he went home to his wife, and I was left feeling just as sad, if not more, as I do now. Hang in there, you have a good group of friends who will take your mind off of things. Unfortunately for me, I lost touch with almost all of my friends because of this A. I have no one to call, no one to "whisk me away" and distract me from all this pain. Count yourself lucky and enjoy your time at the beach! No you hang in there. This is hard enough to go through, but alone is 10 times worse. I know if you're anything like me' you prefer to stay in the bed and cry. I've pushed my friends away enough times that I surely don't deserve them anymore, but sure enough they persist. Try reaching out to one of those friends. I'm sure you'd be surprised that they miss you and want to help you through it too. My friends are very supportive of me' leaving a relationship with a man that controls my every thought and action...yours may be too. If not, get dressed up and go out anyway. Do it for yourself. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Time to pick urself up and do something out of your comfort zone. And for the love of God delete his number from your phone. Remove the temptation.
pureinheart Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 KTD...SC (((((((((((((great big giant hugs)))))))))))))))))...it's all just really hard
sc58 Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Time to pick urself up and do something out of your comfort zone. And for the love of God delete his number from your phone. Remove the temptation. You're exactly right. I have tried this NC thing a number of times, each ending the same way, but each time hoping things will be different. Maybe this time, he missed me so much that it gave him the initiative to leave his wife. Or this time, he really means it. But nope, always ended the same. He's still married, and I was still just the other woman. This time, he might still be married, but I am NOT the other woman anymore. I'm starting to realize that unless I do something differently, things will just remain the same. Thanks so much for that post! So I called one of my friends, and like you said, she was very supportive and wants to help me get through this, so I am going out tonight! Oh, and I did delete his number, but it doesn't do anything when you have the damn thing memorized by heart. Now what? And I hope you're feeling better because your post has helped me a lot, too. Good luck and have an awesome weekend with your amazing friends at the beautiful beach!
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 You're exactly right. I have tried this NC thing a number of times, each ending the same way, but each time hoping things will be different. Maybe this time, he missed me so much that it gave him the initiative to leave his wife. Or this time, he really means it. But nope, always ended the same. He's still married, and I was still just the other woman. This time, he might still be married, but I am NOT the other woman anymore. I'm starting to realize that unless I do something differently, things will just remain the same. Thanks so much for that post! So I called one of my friends, and like you said, she was very supportive and wants to help me get through this, so I am going out tonight! Oh, and I did delete his number, but it doesn't do anything when you have the damn thing memorized by heart. Now what? And I hope you're feeling better because your post has helped me a lot, too. Good luck and have an awesome weekend with your amazing friends at the beautiful beach! Yay!!!! I'm so happy for you. Seeeeee the people who really love us rarely let us down. I'm so glad you reached out to your friend and took the road less traveled. Well crap! You memorized the number. Who does that anymore? Lol just kidding. Okay, plan B...time to pull out a pen and paper. One thing we do when we're in NC is dwell on all the good times. It's so easy to think of those amazing feelings of excitement or kind words, small gestures of affection...but what is easily forgotten are all the flaws. We choose to ignore those because well they hurt. I want you to memorialize them. I'm not talking the big obvious faults like he was married....and wouldn't commit, but every single solitary thing that you can wrap your brain around that was not up to snuff. Even stupid things like, he bites his nails down to the quick, or he wouldn't look at me' when I knew she was on his mind. One of mine was a day he was telling me' his secretary was all excited about getting flowers out of the blue from her husband, and I said how sweet, and mm's reply was somewhere along the lines of yea right, that just means he did something wrong he's feeling guilty about or he's already in the dog house and trying to make up for it by buying her love. He told me' sending flowers always meant something was bad and I should pity the women in the office who got them...and his last comment was so don't ever expect them from me. I was just like wth jerk! Why can't a man honestly do it because he loves her and WANTS to be sweet and do something nice? But, he's good. He turned it around to where I accepted the fact this man may never make any grand romantic gesture to me'. But sorry in retrospect, that makes him a schmuck. He weaseled his way out of EVER having to do anything nice. His wife was a spoiled spendaholic, so I made sure I never expected him to spoil me' with any kind of gifts or luxuries....didn't want to give him the impression I was a money hungry materialistic person...but dammit, a woman shouldn't have to give up all desire for a man to ever buy her something nice or send her flowers. I may have been the OW, but I was the oW he protested to love, and a symbol of his feelings for me' would have been ice and appreciated, so why didn't he think so? Anyway....take all those ahaha moments and things that bugged you or felt insulting or just seemed make believe and read it every time you get weak. It may be that a constant reminder that he's not mr perfect and worth you making that call.
jj33 Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Karma you are doing SO great. Im so proud of you. You are one smart cookie. Look how you turned this around in 2 days. Its so true. Its not the fact that he was married (if it was none of us who went in knowingly would have been in the A right) Its all those stupid things that they did that didnt match the I looove yous that make them azzclowns. I still look back and see those ah ha moments (because Im pathetic and still wallow from time to time after Ive seen him or for other reasons) and think why didnt I see all that before? Reason being I didnt want to and some of it was so inconsistent with this man I was basically living with who I loved so much who said he loved me so much, that I just couldnt process it. The flowers. You made me laugh out loud. It became the F word in our relationship. He flat out refused to ever send me flowers. Said it would have meant more than he could deliver (since when are flowers encoded with a divorce decree???) And to this day he still yanks my chain but it bugs me less and less. I am in the middle of something really important at work and he knows it. When I last saw him he said oh I wonder if you were doing xyz. (of course I am how could I not be and you know it). I talked to someone else who was talking about a deal xMM was involved in and said yeah, he doesnt even realize Im doing the xyz and the guy said yes he does he goes around telling everyone how exciting it is that you are in that. WTF? Still 3 years later. So while its nice that he is so proud of me, WTF? Means nothing and would have meant a lot more if he could have told me that he was proud of me not just because of our past but because its the polite thing to do. And KTD your posts really touched me because he still cant wrap his head around "my background" and how I clawed my way to where I am now and how I worry about the future. When I made some reference to it in terms of this thing and how proud I was, he looked at me like I was speaking Chinese smiled and nodded but clearly didnt get it. A part of me wanted to really explain it to him, but doesnt matter. Hes married. Not married to me so its a waste of time. Have a great time at the beach and SC have a great weekend. Big hugs jj
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 Karma you are doing SO great. Im so proud of you. You are one smart cookie. Look how you turned this around in 2 days. Its so true. Its not the fact that he was married (if it was none of us who went in knowingly would have been in the A right) Its all those stupid things that they did that didnt match the I looove yous that make them azzclowns. I still look back and see those ah ha moments (because Im pathetic and still wallow from time to time after Ive seen him or for other reasons) and think why didnt I see all that before? Reason being I didnt want to and some of it was so inconsistent with this man I was basically living with who I loved so much who said he loved me so much, that I just couldnt process it. The flowers. You made me laugh out loud. It became the F word in our relationship. He flat out refused to ever send me flowers. Said it would have meant more than he could deliver (since when are flowers encoded with a divorce decree???) And to this day he still yanks my chain but it bugs me less and less. I am in the middle of something really important at work and he knows it. When I last saw him he said oh I wonder if you were doing xyz. (of course I am how could I not be and you know it). I talked to someone else who was talking about a deal xMM was involved in and said yeah, he doesnt even realize Im doing the xyz and the guy said yes he does he goes around telling everyone how exciting it is that you are in that. WTF? Still 3 years later. So while its nice that he is so proud of me, WTF? Means nothing and would have meant a lot more if he could have told me that he was proud of me not just because of our past but because its the polite thing to do. And KTD your posts really touched me because he still cant wrap his head around "my background" and how I clawed my way to where I am now and how I worry about the future. When I made some reference to it in terms of this thing and how proud I was, he looked at me like I was speaking Chinese smiled and nodded but clearly didnt get it. A part of me wanted to really explain it to him, but doesnt matter. Hes married. Not married to me so its a waste of time. Have a great time at the beach and SC have a great weekend. Big hugs jj So your mm has come to terms and does not push the issue or try to persuade you back in the sack? It would be hard to work with him. Wow. Right now I couldn't even imagine. I know my obsession would linger way too long if that were the case. Interesting about the checking up on you and being proud of you. Something tells me' these men will do a great deal of thinking about us for years to come. We are the forever "what if". It'll almost be like the father of a child who walked away and never got to have a relationship with that child, but he watched from the background and distance, never wanting to disrupt her life but always proud of her accomplishments and feeling the protective need to keep her safe. Well at least that's kinda how I see it. And congratulations on your success and rising from the bottom. I'm sorry mm didn't ever have anything positive to say to yo about that. Some people always told me' not to tell q guy, but I don't think i could do that. I actually judge a man's character based on how he responds to that. Has to at least show me' sympathy...affirmation that I would never have to go through that with him is even bigger and better. But to say nothing or wow that's rough or good for you...doesn't say much to me' at all about him. But then again....he wasn't the one either so mr wonderful is yet to come.
jj33 Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Thanks KTD. Oh if ONLY he never came back to push the issue. If only. Ive been out of the A for over 3 years. The first 2 were filled with all kinds of excitement. And of course in my heart I thought, he cant forget me, he cant go more than a few days without contacting me (most always with a "business purpose" yeah right) of COURSE one day he will leave. WRONG WRONG WRONG. I know its different for others but I think my case is more typical than not. After awhile he got on my last nerve and said I look if you dont have something MORE than I love you I miss you lets try again then leave me the f alone. (my language was stronger and followed by a bizillion now embarrassing emails and tears the whole works) so because my self control was not high I now enjoy the embarrassment of working with someone who has lived through 3 trillion meltdowns and emails and texts etc. Not because he wouldnt leave but because he kept jerking me around in various ways (one male friend of mine thinks hes an evil genius because its tough to yank my chain and this man succeeded for 2 years. Men...) As for my past I think thats part of what MM loves about me. Its like I am a foreigner (which I am in terms of where I grew up and nationality) from a foreign foreign land because he comes from a very privileged background and its hard for him to imagine anyone doing what I did unless they had a rich daddy or a huge divorce settlement. He worries about me, thinks I have taken on too much, that its too stressful for me but now he doesnt really say much to me about it because I have banned him from commenting. And besides unless he was single and it was really important for him to know the full details I wouldnt tell him. I always protected certain details because we work together. He knows the broad brush but not enough to really process it. And in retrospect that is good. Ex lovers who are powerful in your industry dont need to know everything. Shortly before we broke up he said, I cant leave my W but I can help you change your life (oh yeah how? My success has had 0 to do with him any more than his is based on me weve helped each other the way colleagues do - now a down payment for a home, that would have changed my life ) So he does acknowledge it but in his own way. Now I think wow he does things behind the scenes but he doesnt mention them to my face anymore. But I know he still thinks of me for whatever that is worth and 2 days into NC I know that will mean alot to you. I totally agree with you about its like a parent looking on. He looks on from afar. Ive had people say why does he talk about you all the time I say good he appreciates how good I am to his company damn straight he should kiss my feet (and they laugh...). Yes these men think about us the same way we think about them. My obsession did remain far longer than it should have. Just a week or two ago I thought f it, its been so hard and we fight (about work in theory) like we are having a lovers spat, nothing you would really write to a colleague (you are so exasperating - omg was that so hard for you to do? or my favorite - that is idiotic why are you hysterical about this) but I couldnt. It would crush my soul to go back to being hte OW knowing hes never leaving. Hes been married for 40 years. For whatever the drawbacks of his relationship, he likes it that way. Working with him did keep the obsessino alive for a much longer time than it would have but ?? I couldnt give up my little career such as it is for him that would have given him way too much power. And now its a lot more distant. Just today I was out shopping and I wondered wow I am all alone, 3 years later, look at all these families and couples, and I wished I was still walking around with xMM but thats a fantasy not real. And I know that now. Hopefully I will meet someone else someday. ANyway you are doing great. Keep up the good work.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 KTD, I mean this with all the love in the world...get up and get living! You need to put this into perspective. Remember how poor this man's coping skills are, what a bad father he's being to his children, what a liar he's been, how he's discarded you each time a choice had to be made. BE ANGRY not sad. YOU deserve better than this. YOU are much better than some shi*hole piece of work who tried to drag you into his miserable existance. I'm not saying don't grieve it. I know YOUR feelings for him are genuine. It's hard to reconcile what you thought was there with what is really there. I get it. I've been there. But, you have kids at home and a life ahead of you that is worth so much more than wallowing about some dysfunctional man who couldn't have offered you a miniscule piece of what you're worth. Lay off the booze, get out of bed, and reinvest in your life! Your absolutely right. That's the past. Not doing it again this time. Different, different, different. If I want the result to be different, I have to do something different. Today's a much better day.
sc58 Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Well, I thought going out with my friends would have helped, but unfortunately it didn't...One of my friends was kind of seeing this guy who just told her, "I love you and I care about you, but I just can't be with you." He's not married, but funny how my MM said the same thing...My friend was so upset over this, just cried and cried, so we although we got all dressed up and actually got to the club, we ended up going back home. She got really drunk and called him, and kept trying to get answers, kept trying to understand, trying to change his mind. I felt so bad for her, and could totally understand what she was going through and wanted to call my MM too. But I realized that even if I did call my MM, I wouldn't understand any better and I wouldn't be able to change his mind, the same way my friend wasn't. So I kept telling her (and myself) that in the end, it doesn't even matter why, he's choosing not to be with you and that's that. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Or in my case, "wants" to be with me, but chooses not to? NOT WORTH IT. I found myself thinking of my MM a lot more than I thought I would, but I guess seeing my friend going through all that pain helped me realize that these men are NOT worth all those tears. It's different when you're watching someone else go through heartache and you give them all kinds of advice that YOU should be taking yourself. And that's what I'm going to do. Hopefully today will be a better day....
jj33 Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Its so true SC isnt it? YOu see someone else in the same position and you think OMG dont do that! Dont call him and ask those questions dont say x dont do y. And then you realize you are doing the same thing (or dying to do it) and all the sudden it makes keeping your boundaries so much easier. I think the forum is really helpful in that respect because it allows you to see that its not so unique. Some people are happy in the A which is great for them, others arent and you hate to see someone in pain hanging on to the thing that is making them unhappy. I always say this but I think its true, i think its a lack of faith in the rest of ones life that keeps people tethered to situations that arent satisfying to them.
fooled once Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 I do the exact same thing...This is only day 2 of NC for me, but I have tried this before and know that about 3-4 days into it, it starts getting really hard and all I do is wallow, like you. I just lay in bed watching romantic movies, crying, wondering how I got myself into this whole mess...Hopefully this time I will not break down and call him. Everytime I think of calling him, I go on this site, and it helps to read the posts that reaffirms my decision to go NC. **SC, PLEASE do not lay in bed and wallow. You are better than that. Don't get me wrong, grieve the end of the relationship, but please do not allow this jerk to get you so depressed and so down that your life is reduced to lifetime movies and tears! You can do it. What good will breaking NC do? Reinforce that he didn't choose you? How will it make you feel better? EVEN if he told you "I love you".... so what? How is that making the situation better? Heck, anyone can say I love you - those are words. It is the ACTIONS that those words evoke that mean something. LOVE shouldn't hurt so many people; love shouldn't make you so sad. Love isn't like that. (hug) Although it feels like sh*t now, even if I do see my xMM, the happiness that comes from that will be shortlived. I always tried to get him to stay just little bit longer, and if we lost track of time, never mentioned it because I was just so happy with the moments I had with him. But afterwards, he went home to his wife, and I was left feeling just as sad, if not more, as I do now. Hang in there, you have a good group of friends who will take your mind off of things. Unfortunately for me, I lost touch with almost all of my friends because of this A. I have no one to call, no one to "whisk me away" and distract me from all this pain. Count yourself lucky and enjoy your time at the beach! Time for you to get some new friends what are your hobbies? What do you like doing? Get up and do it! Go for a long walk, get yourself into shape. Join a single's group (not just to date - but to have others who are single to do things with). You can do it!!! ...It's so easy to think of those amazing feelings of excitement or kind words, small gestures of affection...but what is easily forgotten are all the flaws. We choose to ignore those because well they hurt. I want you to memorialize them. I'm not talking the big obvious faults like he was married....and wouldn't commit, but every single solitary thing that you can wrap your brain around that was not up to snuff. Even stupid things like, he bites his nails down to the quick, or he wouldn't look at me' when I knew she was on his mind. One of mine was a day he was telling me' his secretary was all excited about getting flowers out of the blue from her husband, and I said how sweet, and mm's reply was somewhere along the lines of yea right, that just means he did something wrong he's feeling guilty about or he's already in the dog house and trying to make up for it by buying her love. He told me' sending flowers always meant something was bad and I should pity the women in the office who got them...and his last comment was so don't ever expect them from me. I was just like wth jerk! Why can't a man honestly do it because he loves her and WANTS to be sweet and do something nice? Anyway....take all those ahaha moments and things that bugged you or felt insulting or just seemed make believe and read it every time you get weak. It may be that a constant reminder that he's not mr perfect and worth you making that call. I want you to re-read what I bolded and I want you to remember it too One good thing I found when I ended the affair, is I wrote letters to him (but didn't send them) expressing all my thoughts. I think it helps to get it out of you - to say all the things you want to say. As for the flowers story xmm is such a jerk. When I married my H ; he sent me flowers EVERY month on our 'wedding date'. The cards said "Happy 1 month Anniversary" and then "Happy 2 month Anniversary", etc... The people I worked with thought my H was the most romantic guy! Heck, he got to know the florist by name He still send me flowers all the time; just not on the monthly anniversaries. In fact, I can honestly say I have never gotten flowers after a fight - NEVER. He has sent them when things are great - as a reminder that he loves me. To me, those flowers are much better than 'make up' flowers! KTD, I mean this with all the love in the world...get up and get living! You need to put this into perspective. Remember how poor this man's coping skills are, what a bad father he's being to his children, what a liar he's been, how he's discarded you each time a choice had to be made. BE ANGRY not sad. YOU deserve better than this. YOU are much better than some shi*hole piece of work who tried to drag you into his miserable existance. I'm not saying don't grieve it. I know YOUR feelings for him are genuine. It's hard to reconcile what you thought was there with what is really there. I get it. I've been there. But, you have kids at home and a life ahead of you that is worth so much more than wallowing about some dysfunctional man who couldn't have offered you a miniscule piece of what you're worth. Lay off the booze, get out of bed, and reinvest in your life! DITTO DITTO DITTO!!! Well, I thought going out with my friends would have helped, but unfortunately it didn't...One of my friends was kind of seeing this guy who just told her, "I love you and I care about you, but I just can't be with you." He's not married, but funny how my MM said the same thing...My friend was so upset over this, just cried and cried, so we although we got all dressed up and actually got to the club, we ended up going back home. She got really drunk and called him, and kept trying to get answers, kept trying to understand, trying to change his mind. I felt so bad for her, and could totally understand what she was going through and wanted to call my MM too. But I realized that even if I did call my MM, I wouldn't understand any better and I wouldn't be able to change his mind, the same way my friend wasn't. So I kept telling her (and myself) that in the end, it doesn't even matter why, he's choosing not to be with you and that's that. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Or in my case, "wants" to be with me, but chooses not to? NOT WORTH IT. I found myself thinking of my MM a lot more than I thought I would, but I guess seeing my friend going through all that pain helped me realize that these men are NOT worth all those tears. It's different when you're watching someone else go through heartache and you give them all kinds of advice that YOU should be taking yourself. And that's what I'm going to do. Hopefully today will be a better day.... sb (hug) so glad you realized that calling him would NOT change anything nor would it give you any more answers or help you right now. Please stay strong and take care of YOU!!! You and Karma should be NC buddies -- helping each other as you go through this tough time. Lean on each other; lift each other up and if needed, cry to each other. As long as NEITHER of you break NC; because to do so, is going to start the healing and the hurting all over again. I wish you both best of luck! Karma, keep focusing on healing YOU! GOOD LUCK!!
sc58 Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 fooledonce, than you for your encouragement! I did exactly what you suggested (except joining a singles group), and it worked wonders. I had a really great day, and I actually did not think about him for most of the day. I had a good time with my friends, doing things that I love, and LAUGHED really hard today. Which means I CAN have great days without him. Although I occassionally thought, "It would be nice if he were here" and "I wonder what he's doing now," I tried to focus on NOT thinking about him. And while it was easy to do today, I know that other days, it might not be so easy. Is there a way to STOP thinking about him? Or more specifically wonder what he's doing with his wife? I often find myself wondering those things. Does he hold her hand the way he does mine? Do they laugh together the way we do? How are they at home? Do they cuddle on the couch and watch tv? I wish I could just stop thinking these thoughts!! It's hard when you're having a good day, and a thought like that pops into your head. "Normally, we would be together at this time. I wonder what he's doing now - with her?" How can I make that stop??
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 fooledonce, than you for your encouragement! I did exactly what you suggested (except joining a singles group), and it worked wonders. I had a really great day, and I actually did not think about him for most of the day. I had a good time with my friends, doing things that I love, and LAUGHED really hard today. Which means I CAN have great days without him. Although I occassionally thought, "It would be nice if he were here" and "I wonder what he's doing now," I tried to focus on NOT thinking about him. And while it was easy to do today, I know that other days, it might not be so easy. Is there a way to STOP thinking about him? Or more specifically wonder what he's doing with his wife? I often find myself wondering those things. Does he hold her hand the way he does mine? Do they laugh together the way we do? How are they at home? Do they cuddle on the couch and watch tv? I wish I could just stop thinking these thoughts!! It's hard when you're having a good day, and a thought like that pops into your head. "Normally, we would be together at this time. I wonder what he's doing now - with her?" How can I make that stop?? My weekend getaway has been a disappointment as well. Something's gone wrong at every corner and then walking the beach and the pier seeing all the couples Han in hand, well it just is plain gut wrenching. Then I did a no no and looked up the w on facebook to check her status and she had posted that she was excited to get out of the house from the kids with hubby and go watch a movie. Its the movie he'd been telling me' we needed to go see. So, it hurts...but i know he's doing his thing and I have to find a way to do my own.
blizzard Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 KTD... It has been 5months NC for me. And I still feel twinges of sadness. Last night I dreamt that he broke NC and said he wanted to see me...and persisted to call all of the shots in our relationship. And I fell for it. How pathetic of a dream huh? My little one slept in bed next to me a few nights ago, she awoke laughing about someting silly in her dream. Ahhh where did those days go for grown- ups? I still hear songs that will always remind me of him. I still hear the I love yous when we were intimate...I am forever scarred. Everything is a hurtful reminder. But not as hurtful as they were. But I refuse to break NC. I have done some stupid stuff. And fell for some stupid things...but I am a woman of my word and he will not take that from me. My last words were that I swore to him were that I would never bother him again...and I meant it. I will not be the a**clown. And I will not be second any longer. A few things I am now seeing is that why would I want someone that would cheat? And I now pity his wife for having to live with and love someone like this for the rest of her life...her choice. A liar that told another woman I love you...and promised her the world. A liar that said ugly things about her. A liar that spent vast amounts a time being intimate with another lover instead of his very own wife. A liar that called another "babe" and that had picked out a pet name of affection. A liar that said I belonged with him. A liar that called her a horrible stepmother. I want good love. A groovy kind of love. A love with good memories...not one filled a gianormous hurdle of hurt. Not a love that has been divided and shared. And last, I pity him. If this is the way he truly views his wife, his marriage...and he chose to live this way then he deserves it. If this isn't his marriage and it was all a lie, and all is peachy-keen, then he also chose to live this way...carrying the biggest conscience that will one day catch up to him. Even if it is 20yrs from now. He will always feel he has to be a doormat of forgiveness. And he should. (((hugs))) and please stay strong okay?
sc58 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 My weekend getaway has been a disappointment as well. Something's gone wrong at every corner and then walking the beach and the pier seeing all the couples Han in hand, well it just is plain gut wrenching. Then I did a no no and looked up the w on facebook to check her status and she had posted that she was excited to get out of the house from the kids with hubby and go watch a movie. Its the movie he'd been telling me' we needed to go see. So, it hurts...but i know he's doing his thing and I have to find a way to do my own. I really feel for you, Karma. It would have killed me to know see that post on my MM's facebook...Thank goodness neither of them update much. And I've had a hard time trying not to look on his page, and I've held back so far, so hopefully I will be able to in the future! And you know what, who cares what he and his wife are doing? Like blizzard said, the poor wife may be happy, but only because she doesn't know the truth. "A liar that told another woman I love you...and promised her the world. A liar that said ugly things about her. A liar that spent vast amounts a time being intimate with another lover instead of his very own wife. A liar that called another "babe" and that had picked out a pet name of affection. A liar that said I belonged with him. A liar that called her a horrible stepmother." That is the kind of man she is with and will have to live the rest of her life with. But NOT US. We don't need and shouldn't even WANT to be with that kind of man. And although it's hard because I love him (as I'm sure you do) and can easily forget all that, I have to remember that that is the kind of man he is, and that is not the kind of man I want or deserve. Karma, I hope your week turns out better than your weekend, and stay strong! Knowing that you're going through this too helps me more than you can imagine. I don't want to let YOU (or others here on LS) down by breaking NC, and it gives me strength. I think I might have already broken NC by now if it wasn't for these posts. Thank you so much!
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted October 18, 2010 Author Posted October 18, 2010 I really feel for you, Karma. It would have killed me to know see that post on my MM's facebook...Thank goodness neither of them update much. And I've had a hard time trying not to look on his page, and I've held back so far, so hopefully I will be able to in the future! And you know what, who cares what he and his wife are doing? Like blizzard said, the poor wife may be happy, but only because she doesn't know the truth. "A liar that told another woman I love you...and promised her the world. A liar that said ugly things about her. A liar that spent vast amounts a time being intimate with another lover instead of his very own wife. A liar that called another "babe" and that had picked out a pet name of affection. A liar that said I belonged with him. A liar that called her a horrible stepmother." That is the kind of man she is with and will have to live the rest of her life with. But NOT US. We don't need and shouldn't even WANT to be with that kind of man. And although it's hard because I love him (as I'm sure you do) and can easily forget all that, I have to remember that that is the kind of man he is, and that is not the kind of man I want or deserve. Karma, I hope your week turns out better than your weekend, and stay strong! Knowing that you're going through this too helps me more than you can imagine. I don't want to let YOU (or others here on LS) down by breaking NC, and it gives me strength. I think I might have already broken NC by now if it wasn't for these posts. Thank you so much! It's so true, and I know it. They're both just putting on a fake smile for the public, but for the most part typically can't even stand to be in the same room with eachother. It wasn't even like a date kind of movie. They went to see Jackass 3. Cmon, projectile vomit in 3D. How romantic! Prolly why I hadn't agreed to go myself. Today was still super hard as well. Can't seem to get my thoughts away as much as I try. I wish I didn't love him. I wish I could just be angry instead. I wish he had made it personal, and told me' he didn't really love me'. That I could come to grips with. What kills me' is that I know he's watching the clock just like I do at the times we normally would talk and even if for just a split second he's thinking about me' too. I'm so so so glad I removed his number from my phone. I just couldn't bare to break NC. For what? One spark to hear his voice and the Only to have my heart in my throat. He has nothing to offer me'. If I could just accept that once and for all, this process would be a lot easier. Never thought I'd see the day where I dread my weekends and look forward to work just for the distraction.
sc58 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 Can't seem to get my thoughts away as much as I try. I wish I didn't love him. I wish I could just be angry instead. I wish he had made it personal, and told me' he didn't really love me'. That I could come to grips with. What kills me' is that I know he's watching the clock just like I do at the times we normally would talk and even if for just a split second he's thinking about me' too. He has nothing to offer me'. If I could just accept that once and for all, this process would be a lot easier. Never thought I'd see the day where I dread my weekends and look forward to work just for the distraction. You and I are literally on the exact same page. That movie is the same movie my MM had told ME that we should watch together! I actually watched it last night with my friends, and kept thinking that the whole time - "WE were supposed to watch this together..." I wish I didn't love him either, wish he would have told me that he doesn't really love me. I wish I could just get really pissed off at him and STAY mad at him. It kills me too knowing that he does love me, that he's probably thinking about me during the time we would normally be together. And it gives me this hope, that maybe he'll just miss me so much that he won't be able to handle it and call me and tell me that he's going to get a D and be with me forever. I wish I could just stop HOPING, stop WISHING that we might still be together someday, despite what happened. I wish I could just accept the fact that it's not, that this was HIS choice and he chose not to be with me. But if he chose that, then why give me any hope at all? It's just so cruel. Thank god I found this site. Every time I think of calling him, I read the posts here and it reminds me why I'm NOT calling him, and why I never should. Hope work distracts you from all of this, Karma. For me though, it's the opposite. I used to talk to him a lot at work, so I know I'll be thinking about him a lot. One day at a time...
Recommended Posts