Ex Says They Think About What They Lost? Could Have Done Better? WTF?

[Gossamer]

Hi All.

 

Damn. Sometimes this just hurts so bad. I've posted over a month ago here and got some good advice. So, thanks everyone. You rock.

 

In June, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me on a tube platform and went to a concert we were both supposed to attend, in the middle of a fight, and was quite cruel to not initiate calling me back as well as justifying his behaviour. For my own sanity, I contacted him and tried to have a "human" exchange, a "better breakup", so I could believe he was still the same loving person I otherwise knew. We had been fighting a lot back then, and I just wanted to move my stuff out.

 

I declared NC in August because he was too cold, and didn't see much of that "boyfriendly-person" I thought I knew, but he did break NC after 3 weeks, initially, when I declared it, in August. He wrote then that he wanted to do what it would take for us to be on speaking terms again. I told him that we did not have a person-to-person breakup talk, that I needed one, and needed to express my feelings, as I was still in a lot of pain, and had been in shock.

 

When we met in September, I didn't hear everything that I needed to hear, but took the time to sort out my own feelings about the abrupt, impulsive and hurtful way he ended our relationship.He's clearly shown a lot of confusion about both the way in which he ended our relationship, and being sorry, as well I believe about breaking up with me, to begin with.

 

He has also said he's confused and "doesn't know" what he's doing with his life right now.

 

When I told him about how he'd been unfair in our relationship, he does admit to a lot of it, but there are also some things he's done that are unfair (not cheating, lying, just his rash decisions and inabilities to communicate how he feels before blowing up in anger or distorting my intentions and then getting irrationally angry and/or pushing me away).

 

At our last meeting, he left me at a restaurant, I had taken him to brunch to meet again, as there were things I still didn't get to clarify, and he ended up leaving, telling me "good luck", saying that what I told him makes him feel bad about himself, and that there was nothing more to say, and no reason to have a friendship.

 

He then called a few hours later, but didn't leave a message, so I texted him "did you mistakenly ass-dial, or is there an emergency"? It's understood that at this time, if there's an emergency either of us are going through, that we can reach out to the other. I am comfortable with that arrangement, because I know we still do care a lot about each other, and life is too short to not be there for each other, as the reasons for our breakup didn't involve what I consider NC for forever, ie, cheating, lying, stealing, drugs, the usual *forever, total* trust-killers.

 

He wanted to know if we could talk, and so the gist of that phone conversation was did my telling him honestly about how he treated me and caused me pain help in terms of closure, and if so, it was well worth him having to sit through my calling him out on his stuff.

 

He hasn't said he wants to get back together, but says he cares for me deeply, is excited for my future, and has wanted to rebuild for a better friendship. I feel the same, and am not over him, but do not want him back romantically, because he's too wrapped up in his growing pains now.

 

He wanted to get together when he got back from an international holiday, a concert there in November, to go on a trip we had planned together before he broke up with me. He wanted to celebrate my belated birthday, and his one, and tell me about his trip. Also, that he was meeting a female friend of his who lives in Europe, to travel part way with her to some other countries.

 

He's not a fling kind of guy, and has a lot of female friends, but I didn't know if he was gonna meet someone on his trip and have me there as friend, and I didn't want to be that to him. I didn't want to take that chance.

 

Also, I don't think men leave women for other women mainly, as a lot of guys express on here. Not that it's not a common reason, but there are other truths.

 

I thought about the many reasons, including that he doesn't think the way he broke up with me is extreme. WTF? So, it just seemed time for me to completely let him go because I think he also wanted to feel like I was going to be there for him when he got back, because a close relative of his died suddenly from cancer, and I had been supportive of him, and would have been there for him if we had not broken up.

 

2 days ago, I texted that I wanted to talk, if he had time. He said "tomorrow". So I instead ended up emailing him that I wanted him to have a great time on the trip, on his birthday, and with his family, and that without blame or self-pity, I needed him to know I could not meet him when he got back because it would be too hard for me to hear about a trip we were supposed to go on, together.

 

I said that I wanted to be friends in the future, but that I needed a long break from the way we broke up as well as the breakup itself.

 

He wrote back a nice email telling me he was excited for my future and wants to hear about it when the time is right.

 

The thing I'm puzzling over right now is, this is the first he's indicated the below thoughts"

 

 

"Want you know, lately I think a lot about what I lost. I wish I had done a lot better and differently. You are amazing. I know you'll thrive..."

 

He's writing this before he leaves on holiday to gallavant internationally, so, I'm not counting on him thinking this in an ongoing way.

 

I believe he's sincere, but how can/should I interpret this as the destroyed dumpee?

 

I'm moving on with my life and not looking back, not now anyway.

 

But has anyone experienced anything like this?

 

What did you do?

 

Thanks all.

 

Peace and love.

 

/Gossamer

[xpaperxcutx]

I don't know the details of your back story, but given that you're still a wreck in trying to maintain some kind of connection with the ex, be it friendship or otherwise, the main question should be, is it all worth it?

 

I find it endearing that you're willing to extend a hand out to mend fences, but based on his reactions, I do think think it's enough to say, they were all for naught?

 

Put it this way, you wanted closure and you had called out his action in front of his face, and given that his response towards you were cordial enough

 

-He wanted to know if we could talk, and so the gist of that phone conversation was did my telling him honestly about how he treated me and caused me pain help in terms of closure, and if so, it was well worth him having to sit through my calling him out on his stuff.-

 

why do you feel like you need to have any more contact with him?

 

I think it was a cop out on your part because you didn't get the response you had wanted from him. You probably expected a bit more anger or an outburst or maybe even a sincere apology just to make him regret hurting you.

 

Stop contacting him and move on. What ever he had done to you, it hurts only as much you let it.

 

"Want you know, lately I think a lot about what I lost. I wish I had done a lot better and differently. You are amazing. I know you'll thrive..."

 

And there's no sense in interpreting his motives or his words. It probably won't alleviate the pain any more than you just letting go, moving on, and getting rid of his influence in your life.

[kaycstamper]

I think you need to give it a break to give yourself time not to feel quite so much emotion in connection with him. It'd be hard to be friends if he was seeing someone else. It'd be hard to move on with your life if you're seeing him as a friend. Maybe someday you can be friends, but you need a break first.

[Gossamer]

 

Hey there, I see you've made some interesting responses to other members, too, so I want to thank you.

 

Well, in my above post I said specifically that I didn't think he had broken up with me to see someone else. He told me he was taking a break from dating, and I believe that. I guess I didn't make that clear enough.

 

I really do appreciate your advice, and it's what I told him, that I needed a break from both the way in which he broke up with me, as well as the break, when he wanted to get together after his trip.

 

But I am more specifically asking, what is the meaning of his expressing he is thinking about what he lost and what he could have done differently and better?

 

While it it good advice to "brute-force" the NC, (LOL) which I agree with, I am finding advice given by members regarding ex-boyfriend/dumper communication to be additionally helpful.

 

The analyzations I've seen on here regarding communications from the ex have been helpful to me. I am just trying to understand the mindset of regret, if that's what he is expressing.

 

I don't want to rule out a reconcilliation at some point, once we had sufficient time apart to work on both our issues, and if that comes to pass, as we have talked about it.

 

I don't mean now, as I am planning to date, and am moving on with my life.

 

So, that's what I am trying to ask for: what, in the experience of other members, does the ex expressing thinking about what they lost and what they could have done differently and better, mean, from experience?

 

I just want to hear from some members on their experiences with this kind of communication.

 

But thank you kaycstamper, for advising against contact and all. I have invoked that, though hard. ;-) I appreciate your kind but honest and direct communication style.

 

I think you need to give it a break to give yourself time not to feel quite so much emotion in connection with him. It'd be hard to be friends if he was seeing someone else. It'd be hard to move on with your life if you're seeing him as a friend. Maybe someday you can be friends, but you need a break first.