Fed up/dissatisfied?

[HeavenOrHell]

Anyone feel like it's just not enough sometimes, that the fact you can't be with them, hug them, spend time with them, sleep with them, everything in fact, you only get to do these things now and again and it's not enough?

I feel fed up this week, probably just hormonal, and have a few problems with friends and another stresses going out which doesn't help and also not being able to be hugged by him when I'm feeling crap is getting to me and the fact he's having a stressful time at work and I can't hug him/be there for him properly.

The last few days I feel fed up, I feel like it's not enough, I feel dissatisfied, I don't want out, he means way too much to me for that, I just feel like all our calls, skyping, emails, texts, and our limited sex life (we do what we can long distance but it's hardly the same is it) aren't enough for me, I hope this feeling will pass, cos we won't be living closer for 2 years, I wish it could be a year or 18 months, but he'd be the one moving so I'm not going to pressure him. I can see arguments though if he makes no signs of moving in the next 18 months (he would need to sell his flat and buy somewhere new). He copes better as he's been in an LDR before and didn't see her for a year once, that's not something I could do, he says he doesn't intend to go longer than 2 months without us meeting. He says he misses me even if he doesn't always say it. He's not as forthcoming as me with feelings, although makes it clear how he feels about me and is very loving.

Anyone else have phases of feeling dissatisfied, feel it's not enough and did those feelings pass?

He has always said talk to him about how I feel about anything, but I think he will worry that I want out if I talk to him about this I don't want to worry him.

[madjac74]

We know exactly how you feel and how much it sucks. We have recently discussed "moving on" and finding a relationship that is more realistic. We are technically broke up I think yet we still talk to each other the entire day. It's a very hard situation because we really are best friends but we still have the physical attraction to each other. We are worried that it will be impossible to subdue our romantic feelings for each other and the thought that one day either of us might actually be with someone else and still maintain a friendship. We know that we are perfect for each other but we don't have an end in sight for the distance and its really starting to break us down.

 

HOH, you should tell him how you are feeling. It may not be what he wants to hear but even at a distance I could tell when something was bothering my GF. It might worry him more knowing something is wrong and not knowing what it is rather than just knowing the problem.

[Omei]

I know exactly how you feel for the past 2 weeks I have been feeling the same way that its never enough no matter what he does, how much we try I just haven't been feeling satisfied at all! Been moody, sad, depressed, uninterested in sex.

 

Some of this has caused some tension and small fights here and there.

I talked to my SO he got upset about it, and a bit annoyed that I have been this way lately he said I was being too negative about our situation.

 

HOH, I think it will pass. Hopefully for you too.

 

...adding later to my post, HOH do you ever feel/fear that the distance dwindles your feelings for them at times? and then have it bounce back?

Edited October 16, 2010 by Omei

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you both for your replies and I am sorry you are both have problems with the distance too I think some people might say I don't love him enough, that my feelings aren't strong enough, but it feels like the opposite-that my feelings for him are so strong that I can't handle the distance.

 

>HOH do you ever feel/fear that the distance dwindles your feelings for them at times? and then have it bounce back?<

 

Yes I do, for sure, or we'll have a heavy discussion about something in our relationship and I'll worry about it and worry about talking abut it to him but then we seem to be closer afterwards and it feels ok again then. There was one time that it felt like my feelings for him had gone for a day or two, but they came back stronger.

Hopefully this is just a blip. I did say to him last night I've been feeling fed up cos we can't even hug, he apologised bless him, not like it's his fault. I did say to him a while ago not to worry if I say I miss him or am finding it hard, that it doesn't mean I want out, cos I know he does worry I won't be able to handle the distance.

I'll talk to him some more about it I think.

Edited October 16, 2010 by HeavenOrHell

[Omei]

Thank you both for your replies and I am sorry you are both have problems with the distance too I think some people might say I don't love him enough, that my feelings aren't strong enough, but it feels like the opposite-that my feelings for him are so strong that I can't handle the distance.

 

I believe you love him, of course you love him I hope you feel better soon!

 

"opposite-that my feelings for him are so strong that I can't handle the distance"

 

Yep, that's what I feel like sometimes its just mind crazy painful isn't it? So very hard to be away from who you love most.

[LittleTiger]

Hi HOH. Yes, I feel like that more and more - I am so in love with my man I can't stand the stress of being separated. I just don't think I'm cut out for this kind of life. I don't want to end it - can't end it, he means too much to me - but I think I'm going crazy with the sense of loss when he isn't around. I've even started seeing a therapist because I am so depressed.

 

The best way I can describe how I feel is that I've won £50 million on the lottery but my lottery ticket is at the end of the rainbow - it's definitely there but I can't actually reach it. Does that make sense? The prize is mine but I can't touch it.

 

We don't have any issues with the relationship itself. As LDRs go I really can't complain - it's probably about as good as anybody in an LDR could wish for. Most of the time everything is great between us and when things go less than smoothly we manage to sort them out. He seems to be coping fine with the distance, but for me 3 months apart is waaay too long.

 

It doesn't make it easier that neither of us can move for the foreseeable future. It could be 5 or 10 years before we're together permanently. I hate it and I don't want to do it anymore but the more I tell him how much I hate it the more pressure I put him under and the worse we both feel.

 

It's a Catch 22!

 

I don't really have any words of wisdom here because, obviously, I'm struggling to cope myself. All I can say is, you're not alone.

[Idalis]

Saturday night and I find myself on this post

I saw my SO yesterday, just for the day, in lieu of the whole weekend since this w/e didnt work out and it is hard!!

I don't have it as bad as some, I guess, since we see each other weekly or bi-weekly at the very least. But its still gets difficult at times. For me, it never gets to the point where I would end it over this, EVER, but it does get to the point where I get nostalgic about it.

 

I think like any other relationship you have to take the good with the bad. Is this one of few faults of the relationship? Then that is something worth going through this for. Is it conflictive and problematic in lots of areas on top of the fact that its LDR?? Then it might be time to consider your options..

 

don't lose hope

[HeavenOrHell]

I wouldn't struggle if I were seeing him weekly Weekly is pretty much an ordinary relationship But more than 6 weeks I do struggle with at times.

 

Saturday night and I find myself on this post

I saw my SO yesterday, just for the day, in lieu of the whole weekend since this w/e didnt work out and it is hard!!

I don't have it as bad as some, I guess, since we see each other weekly or bi-weekly at the very least. But its still gets difficult at times. For me, it never gets to the point where I would end it over this, EVER, but it does get to the point where I get nostalgic about it.

 

I think like any other relationship you have to take the good with the bad. Is this one of few faults of the relationship? Then that is something worth going through this for. Is it conflictive and problematic in lots of areas on top of the fact that its LDR?? Then it might be time to consider your options..

 

don't lose hope

[HeavenOrHell]

So sorry you're finding things so tough LT, I feel I have it easy in comparison, as we meet every 6-8 weeks and are only one hour time difference.

It must be incredibly painful for you, painful to be in this situation but more painful to walk away, I can't even imagine walking away.

Yes, what you said about the lottery makes sense, it's like you've won the jackpot but can't actually touch the money! If we're on skype it's like seeing a big cake you're not allowed to eat!

3 months is a long time, it's 6 weeks since I saw my OH and I'm struggling now, 6 weeks is the longest we've gone, but I'm lucky as I'm going to his place on Oct 28th, nervous cos of my mild agoraphobia but determined to do it, won't see him til Xmas otherwise

It sounds like you do pretty well most of the time in your relationship, same as me and my OH, any difficulties we've managed to talk through so far, I told him last night I was feeling fed up and dissatisfied cos I miss him and he was really sweet about it and apologised (told him it's not his fault) and tried to make things better, I said to him it doesn't mean I want out, but just want him to know how I feel, he said he misses me too even if he doesn't say it much, and I know he does, he just isn't as forthcoming as me. We talked until 2am, 3am for him. Oh I love him!! And as hard as it is I feel lucky we met, especially after we both thought we'd lost the love of our life last year, we feel lucky to have something special again. I just hope it isn't more than 2 years until we can live in the same country. I wish it was a year to 18 months, but I just don't know.

It sounds like you have something special too.

If I can help in any way just shout ok

 

Hi HOH. Yes, I feel like that more and more - I am so in love with my man I can't stand the stress of being separated. I just don't think I'm cut out for this kind of life. I don't want to end it - can't end it, he means too much to me - but I think I'm going crazy with the sense of loss when he isn't around. I've even started seeing a therapist because I am so depressed.

 

The best way I can describe how I feel is that I've won £50 million on the lottery but my lottery ticket is at the end of the rainbow - it's definitely there but I can't actually reach it. Does that make sense? The prize is mine but I can't touch it.

 

We don't have any issues with the relationship itself. As LDRs go I really can't complain - it's probably about as good as anybody in an LDR could wish for. Most of the time everything is great between us and when things go less than smoothly we manage to sort them out. He seems to be coping fine with the distance, but for me 3 months apart is waaay too long.

 

It doesn't make it easier that neither of us can move for the foreseeable future. It could be 5 or 10 years before we're together permanently. I hate it and I don't want to do it anymore but the more I tell him how much I hate it the more pressure I put him under and the worse we both feel.

 

It's a Catch 22!

 

I don't really have any words of wisdom here because, obviously, I'm struggling to cope myself. All I can say is, you're not alone.

[Ellezz]

I can relate so much to this post, in a much worse and reverse position though. My bf just told me he can't keep it up anymore for the reason almost identical in this post:(:(, he says ending this is killing him too, but the distance has made him constantly depressed. I'm devastated right now, as I can't imagine a life without him, and I have been handling the distance pretty well, didn't realize how bad it has been for him. This is tearing me apart, I'm still totally in love with him. We still talk everyday and he said he will never stop loving me, it's really sweet but I don't think that helps to reduce the pain:(:(

[Ellezz]

We know exactly how you feel and how much it sucks. We have recently discussed "moving on" and finding a relationship that is more realistic. We are technically broke up I think yet we still talk to each other the entire day. It's a very hard situation because we really are best friends but we still have the physical attraction to each other. We are worried that it will be impossible to subdue our romantic feelings for each other and the thought that one day either of us might actually be with someone else and still maintain a friendship. We know that we are perfect for each other but we don't have an end in sight for the distance and its really starting to break us down.

 

how you even managed to discuss that while you're still attracted to each other, this is so sad, i tried to do the same but just can't, or more like deep down a part of me just don't really want to because I still love him:(

Edited October 17, 2010 by Ellezz

[HeavenOrHell]

Oh that's so heartbreaking, I'm sorry.

Tears me apart to think of breaking up with my OH, I hope it wouldn't come to that

I totally understand where your bf is coming from, it's painful if you stay together and painful if you don't, putting it mildly.

Was there no end to the distance in sight?

 

 

 

I can relate so much to this post, in a much worse and reverse position though. My bf just told me he can't keep it up anymore for the reason almost identical in this post:(:(, he says ending this is killing him too, but the distance has made him constantly depressed. I'm devastated right now, as I can't imagine a life without him, and I have been handling the distance pretty well, didn't realize how bad it has been for him. This is tearing me apart, I'm still totally in love with him. We still talk everyday and he said he will never stop loving me, it's really sweet but I don't think that helps to reduce the pain:(:(

[Calendula]

People need physical contact and direct interpersonal interactions. Some more so than others.

 

I can totally sympathize with those posting in this thread. I have felt this way both recently and in the past when I first moved away from my SO for graduate school. In the past this feeling of frustration and physical need is a large part of what caused us to drift apart over time and led to the end of that phase of our relationship. Starting over again, even though we are still long-distance, I have a much different perspective on things than I did four years ago. This time I am much more accepting of where we are, how we are, and it is easier for me to keep my eye on the future and the reality of the present, instead of worrying about what cannont currently be. Ultimately, your perspective is what determines whether or not you will make it through such tough times and eventually reach that light at the end of the tunnel and what you truly want in the long term.

 

It is sometimes difficult to finding ways of dealing with the lack of physical contact and proximity. What one person finds to work might not always work for someone else, including their SO. Not having a definitive end in sight, with too many unresolvable uncertainties regarding the future, can make it even more difficult, especially when you KNOW that you want to be with this person long term. When you are in that moment of depression and frustration it is sometimes hard to fight your way out of it and remember that you KNOW you want to build a life with them that spans decades, not just a few months or years.

 

Some things that my SO and I have done to help with the distance are as follows. A lot of it deals with keeping a certain perspective or outlook on your life, the relationship, and the future. I'm writing this out partly for myself as a reminder for when I get low, but also because it might help some of you.

 

-- Focus on the present. Focus on what you have to get done now and in the next week or month. Avoid spending too much time obsessing about the details of the long term future. Some things you can plan for and others you can't. Deal with those things, those problems that you can't currently solve, when they become more immediate. What is the use in worrying about something you can't change and which isn't really a problem in your current day to day life? Why create problems in your mind where none exist in your day-to-day reality?

 

-- If you want to talk to your SO, CALL THEM. If they haven't called you in a while because they are busy with their life apart from you, don't obsess about how they never call, and don't worry about 'bothering them at work' or interrupting them at whatever they are doing. Just call them. If they can, they will answer and probably be thrilled to hear from you and know that you're thinking about them. We all know that the phone works both ways. If you want something (to talk to them) then do what you have to do to get it (within reason of course) and don't just expect them to give it to you without prompting. If you have a world's worth of time difference, make a point of staying up late or waking up early just to call them during their normal day when they aren't expecting it. They will appreciate the gesture and the effort it took for you to be up at something other than normal time for you.

I talk to my SO only one or two times during a week, usually for only 15 or 20 min at a time. We then may spend 2-3 hours talking over the weekend, but we don't always do so, and if we don't then I'm ok with it. Both of our lives are busy enough and random enough that we can't really schedule when we will have time to talk, so we just work it out as we can. If I want to talk to him, I call him. If he wants to talk to me, he calls me.

 

-- Have reasonable expectations and clearly communicate your needs. If you expect something that you haven't clearly discussed or recently communicated your need for, and then you're dissappointed or upset when you don't get it, then you're being unreasonable. Clear and effective communication is key here. Your SO can't read your mind. They can't even read your body language when you live somewhere else. The only clue that they might get that something is bothering you is tone of voice. And if you can't tell them exactly what is wrong when they ask you, then how can you possibly expect them to be able to even try and help fix it?

 

-- Spend some time in self-reflection, self-analysis, and self-improvement. You probably have a fair bit of alone time. Instead of spending it obsessing about how much you want your SO around, or worrying about a future you can't change, use the time and solitude you have to learn more about yourself. What do you really want in all areas of your life? Why do you want the things that you want? What do you like about yourself and/or how you interact with others? What do you not like about yourself and your inter-personal interactions? What could YOU do to change these things that you don't like about yourself? If you can't work on improving your relationship with your SO because your lives are separated by distance and time, then work on improving things about yourself that you know will make your relationship with your SO better when you finally find a way to build your life together. If you better understand yourself and your needs, then you will be better able to communicate these things to your SO when the time comes.

 

-- Involve others in your immediate day-to-day life. Fill in the void left by your SO with others who you can become close to in other ways. Your SO will never be replaced, they will always be first, and they should know that, but this doesn't mean that there isn't room in your life for other people and other types of relationships. Just because your SO isn't around doesn't mean that you have to spend all your time lonely AND alone. Every person you meet, every relationship you build is unique, and very few types of relationships require the absolute exclusion of other types. These other people may just be close friends that you can talk to about casual day-to-day concerns, perhaps you can talk to them about more intimate concerns or problems you are working through with your SO.

 

-- Find some way of meeting your temporary physical needs that works for you and your relationship with your SO. This could just mean finding a close friend who can give you hugs and a shoulder to cry on when you most need it. It doesn't have to involve actually having sex with someone other than your SO, but it may. Perhaps you will be lucky enough to find someone who you can trust who can give you uncomplicated physical comfort without the emotional complications of a full relationship. This type of thing isn't for everyone. It is usually considered an 'open relationship' but it takes a great deal of stability and trust between you and your SO. It also takes a great deal of communication in order to build a healthy open relationship that doesn't hurt either the person you're with physically, or your long term partner. Maintaining a healthy open relationship to satisfy your physical needs is NOT the same thing as cheating (which usually involves lying and deceit), but it is something that few people can either understand or manage in a healthy, mature way, especially since it typically involves FULL DISCLOSURE for all parties involved prior to any sort of activity. If an open relationship isn't something you can talk about with your SO in even a hypothetical discussion, then it probably isn't something you should be considering. If you feel you can't tell the person you are interested in about your SO and your SO's primary position in your heart and your future, then you probably shouldn't be considering that person for such a relationship.

 

All in all, the tricks to maintaining long-term long-distance relationships show up all over this forum board, and most of them tie into building your life independently of that of your SO. You have to spend your time and energy building your OWN life, filling your OWN life, and focusing on you, even though it sounds selfish to say it like that. The reason this is the case, however, is that so when the time finally comes for you to build the life you want with your SO, you will be able to bring ALL OF YOU as a complete, independent individual into a PARTNERSHIP with your SO. You will have your other friends you can lean on when you need them, experiences you can share with your SO, knowledge of yourself that improves your communication with your SO, independence and strength that enables your SO to lean on you when they need to.

 

Don't let the temporary frustraton associated with distance keep you from continuing to work towards your long term perspective of the future. A year or two or three is nothing in comparison to the full and rich decades you will get to spend with this person you love and can work so well with. Find ways of enjoying the remainder of your time alone, confident that you will not spend the rest of your life that way. Do things you know you probably wouldn't do if your SO was around. Do things you enjoy without worrying about whether or not they would like to do it too. Relish your chance to truly be your own person, and encourage your SO to do the same. There is a time for all things, and now just happens to be the time for you to be on your own. It is harder than being with someone, but you will be stronger for it, and your relationship with your partner will be stronger for it.

[LittleTiger]

If I can help in any way just shout ok

 

Thanks HOH.

[LittleTiger]

Calendula, that's an excellent post with a lot of helpful information for anyone struggling with an LDR and I agree with most of what you say (bar the open relationship bit) but, for me at least, it doesn't relate in any way to what I'm feeling.

 

I'm a 45 year old woman with my own home and my own business and a very busy life of my own. Despite the ridiculous distance, our LDR is about as close to 'the perfect LDR' as possible. Unlike many people, we have almost 'no issues'. We are very happy in our relationship.

 

I focus on the present all the time - that's part of the problem (my partner can't share it with me - we're apart for 3 months at a time).

 

We talk all the time, as often as we can. That means anything from an hour to four hours on skype every day, plus occasional texts and short phone calls. However, when two people are on totally opposite time zones (12 hours apart) phoning is not always a sensible option. We both have to work and we both have to sleep and his job makes phone contact 'impossible' except in emergencies.

 

Despite the distance, our communication as a couple is better than I have ever experienced in any relationship before this.

 

I'm about as 'self-improved' as I need to be right now. Divorce has a way of forcing 'self-analysis' and 'personal reflection'. I like myself a lot right now - no further work required just at the moment.

 

I have close family and great friends and I enjoy meeting people - they cannot fill the hole that is left by my partner.

 

I have absolutely zero sexual interest in any other man. I miss the physical contact of my partner, NOT physical contact per se. There is a whole world of difference. Nothing and nobody can take his place physically.

 

The sad fact is that when you love someone who can't be physically with you most of the time, there is something missing that is intangible. Something that can't be filled or replaced or 'made better'. It's very similar to grief and the more you love them, the worse it gets.

 

That's my experience anyway.

[Calendula]

The sad fact is that when you love someone who can't be physically with you most of the time, there is something missing that is intangible. Something that can't be filled or replaced or 'made better'. It's very similar to grief and the more you love them, the worse it gets.

 

Hi LittleTiger, I hope this doesn't count as hijacking and that it helps both the OP and yourself as well as others.

 

I completely agree with you, and I honestly do know how you feel. I can feel that same intangible thing missing. I've got a post on here somewhere to that effect - one of those nights where it was almost unbearable to not be able to be with him.

 

I also know what you mean about how the physical contact of your partner is VERY different from just physical contact in general - there just isn't anything that is quite good enough, quite the same, that fits quite as well. On top of that, sometimes having only part of what you want only serves to make the part you don't get to have hurt all the more. While physical contact from someone other than your partner (in any form) may meet some small part of the need you have, it is only ever temporary - like treating the symptom instead of the cause.

 

Personally I think it is awesome that you are at a point in your life where you can say all of the above things, and I greatly respect you for it. Unfortunately in spite of all the coping mechanisms I listed above (which I either currently practice or have tried in the past), I too still feel (and have felt) that hole, at some times more so than others. I also think the only solution for filling the hole in your life created by the absence of the one you love is actually being with them. And so, since we can't do that, we instead have to try to keep moving forward and living our lives in spite of our feelings. It doesn't make it hurt any less, it doesn't make the hole go away, it doesn't make the distance any less frustrating, but focusing on moving forward and staying busy is the only thing that can help. When you focus on moving forward, the time at least seems to pass more quickly and it doesn't seem like quite such a long time until we again get to see our partners.

 

I've also had feelings of it not being enough, and the first time around it was part of what led to an end of the relationship. I distinctly remember telling him that 'I needed something different', namely someone who lived in the same town as me. I will freely admit, however, that some of my other reasons for ending things with my SO the first time around were related to my relative inexperience (I was 24 at the time, I met him and we started dating seriously when I was 19, and he was my first serious relationship).

 

This time around I refuse to let those feelings get the best of me, even temporarily. As with you, such feelings are typically worst for me during periods of stress and hormone fluctuations, but they do pass. And when I'm in the middle of such feelings I sometimes imagine that it would just be so much easier if I could find someone nearby who I could be with, that I could find some temporary fix that would satisfy my strong needs for physical contact. And then I remember that I already tried that and it didn't work. I remember what it was like to be without him during the four years we were NOT in a relationship, when I was trying to build a relationship with someone else. Even during all that time, even while trying to build something with someone new, I still felt that hole in my heart even though I did my best to ignore it. I still loved him and wanted to be with him, I still wanted to talk to him about so many things even though I felt I couldn't and I never quite forgot him. Whenever I wrote a journal entry to work through a problem I was having, he ended up in it in some way or another. My subconscious just wouldn't let him go. I couldn't NOT compare what I was then trying to build in my life with someone new to what I had had with him. Our relationship had been just that good, just that close to perfect, just that right for me. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I honestly believe that one of the reasons I ended up not being able to make the relationship work with my second partner was because, deep down, I still loved my first. He was first for me, he always was, and now I accept that he always will be. He now knows this because I told him so, and I truly believe that it isn't something that will ever change for me, if only because I don't want it to.

 

So yeah, sometimes it feels like it is not enough, sometimes it feels so frustrating, and so lonely, but the feeling DOES pass with time. If it really is that deepest kind of love, if deep in your heart you really want to build a life with this person, even if it takes you two to three years to get to a point where you can do so, it WILL work out. Just believe.

 

And when you're feeling at your lowest, where you can't stand it anymore and you just want to give up, even trying to end things and starting over with someone new might not help. I tried my hardest to leave this man I loved in my past and move on, and a year ago I truly believed that there wasn't any way that I could ever again be with him even though I was no longer with my second partner. I believed that I would always have this hole in my heart and I just had to learn how to deal with it. And now, somehow, he is again in my life, and even though he is still distant from me, and the hole is still present with his absence, as the minutes and days tick by, the hole is slowly being filled. Now I at least know that I'm working towards something that I truly want (to be with him). I still sometimes have to remind myself that what I get has to be enough when I want more, but at least now I can look forward to someday truly having it all. I don't know when, I don't even have an approximate time frame (hopefully within under 3 years), but I HAVE TO BELIEVE that it will work out. And sometimes that belief is the only thing that keeps me going.

 

So, when all else fails you, just believe that it will work out, that someday it will all be enough, that you will get what you want, that you will no longer have to live in partial happiness... and then, someday, it will simply come to be.

 

My thoughts and sympathies are with you. Hugs.

[madjac74]

To update my situation and to answer Ellez...Things have become quite complicated in my opinion. We still communicate with each other throughout the day and I think even more than usual. This weekend we have talked like we did when we are couple ...naughty things and things we want to do when we see each other again and she has told me many times "I love you" and called me by pet names she has in the past. She didn't fail to mention that she had a date offer but "he wouldn't compare to me so she said she wasnt interested" So what I wonder is if she wants to treat me like a boyfriend yet feel she is still open to go for a better offer? I'm too much of a grown ass man for that regardless of how much I love her. Sooo if its a situation where she wants her cake and eat it too then I think even friendship is impossible and it makes me wonder other things that I didn't bother to think about. I almost felt like I knew everything. Now I feel like I'm utterly lost

[Ellezz]

Oh that's so heartbreaking, I'm sorry.

Tears me apart to think of breaking up with my OH, I hope it wouldn't come to that

I totally understand where your bf is coming from, it's painful if you stay together and painful if you don't, putting it mildly.

Was there no end to the distance in sight?

 

:(it IS heartbreaking, I agree it hurts too much even to think about, but when it happens, much worse. Your situation is so much better though, as long as you try to handle the distance, I think you'll be fine.

 

Well we are in different countries and can only see each other twice a year or so, and so much uncertainty about the future, but I love him, I wanted to find a way to make this work:( Do you think it even makes sense that he still loves me and isn't looking to date others, but also don't want to keep the relationship because it's too much pain missing me? I believe he is honest, just can't understand.

[Ellezz]

To update my situation and to answer Ellez...Things have become quite complicated in my opinion. We still communicate with each other throughout the day and I think even more than usual. This weekend we have talked like we did when we are couple ...naughty things and things we want to do when we see each other again and she has told me many times "I love you" and called me by pet names she has in the past. She didn't fail to mention that she had a date offer but "he wouldn't compare to me so she said she wasnt interested" So what I wonder is if she wants to treat me like a boyfriend yet feel she is still open to go for a better offer? I'm too much of a grown ass man for that regardless of how much I love her. Sooo if its a situation where she wants her cake and eat it too then I think even friendship is impossible and it makes me wonder other things that I didn't bother to think about. I almost felt like I knew everything. Now I feel like I'm utterly lost

 

I think the reason she mentioned her date offer is to show how much she likes you, don't think about it negatively...Can I ask you something? How does it feel when she talked to you like you did before? I've been thinking what stuff are not appropriate anymore to talk about now that we're broken up....he still says i love you to me and pet names too, except naughty things, or hasn't started yet...I loved the talk as I still love him but they also makes me wonder what's the difference breaking up or not, and he is the one who wants out, I have the same doubts as yours I guess.

[madjac74]

Because we are being played. In my country that means they are getting exactly what they want out of the relationship yet they still have the freedom to shop around.

[LittleTiger]

I completely agree with you, and I honestly do know how you feel. I can feel that same intangible thing missing. I've got a post on here somewhere to that effect - one of those nights where it was almost unbearable to not be able to be with him.

 

Calendula, thank you so much for taking the time to post your replies. I don't think the OP will consider it a threadjack as it's still very much 'on topic'. You have obviously put a lot of thought into what you say and you clearly care a great deal about helping others.

 

Unfortunately, you don't know how I feel. None of us really knows how one another is feeling because our situations are all different and we are all different people with different lives and different coping mechanisms. I have a history of clinical depression which rears it's ugly head at times of severe stress, which is why I decided to start seeing a therapist. 'One of those nights' as you say, is how I feel most of the time.

 

From what I remember of your previous posts you are still quite young (late 20s?) and therefore at a very different stage in your life than I am. My partner and I are both 45 and 100% committed to our future - we are making plans to marry so there is no question of either of us ending it. We have huge responsibilities on both sides - his young daughter, my elderly parents, my business to run, his career (which he literally can't pursue in the UK).

 

For all of those reasons it's going to be considerably more than two or three years - maybe as much as 10 years - before we can be together full time. By then we will both be in our mid-50s. Your suggestions to keep moving forward etc are great for younger people who aren't yet 'settled'. When you reach mid-life and things are already settled, waiting any time just feels like a waste of time - a waste of life.

 

You also live only 6 hours drive from your SO and get to see him every month or two. I'm not in any way lessening the difficulties of your LDR as I'm sure it must be very painful for you and I really have no idea how you experience that pain. However, there is a massive difference between your situation and mine - we live as far apart as it's physically possible to be - 12,000 miles (30 hour flight), 12 hour time difference. Even in an emergency it would take two days for one of us to reach the other. To live within a 6 hour drive, or even on the same land mass would be a dream come true for us. My partner has to currently works around 70 hrs per week just to make enough money so that we can afford the flights to visit each other and I have to take tranquilisers to get myself on the plane.

 

So yeah, sometimes it feels like it is not enough, sometimes it feels so frustrating, and so lonely, but the feeling DOES pass with time.

 

For you, perhaps it does - for me it doesn't. The 'feeling' is there all the time. I'm hoping the therapy will help but, if not, I'm considering anti-depressants. Ending the relationship is just not an option.

 

My thoughts and sympathies are with you. Hugs.

 

Thank you, and thanks again for trying to help. You're obviously a very positive person and that is lovely to see. I hope your LDR works out for you this time.

[LittleTiger]

:(it IS heartbreaking, I agree it hurts too much even to think about, but when it happens, much worse. Your situation is so much better though, as long as you try to handle the distance, I think you'll be fine.

 

Well we are in different countries and can only see each other twice a year or so, and so much uncertainty about the future, but I love him, I wanted to find a way to make this work:( Do you think it even makes sense that he still loves me and isn't looking to date others, but also don't want to keep the relationship because it's too much pain missing me? I believe he is honest, just can't understand.

 

Hi Ellezz. Your story is indeed heartbreaking and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

If it helps at all, I do think it makes sense that he still loves you but finds it all too much. This kind of thing can happen in any relationship but is that much more difficult to deal with when it's LD.

 

Many couples break up despite still being in love because something about the relationship just doesn't work for them. IRL it may be that they have different priorities or goals, in a LDR it could very easily be because the stress of being separated is too much.

 

Everybody has their limits on what they find acceptable or bearable and, for me, seeing my SO twice a year wouldn't be enough. I struggle with one month together and three months apart. In my mind there are too many sacrifices in an LDR to keep going if you rarely see each other. Twice a year wouldn't be worth it - for me anyway.

 

I know it may not help to make you feel better but I wouldn't say that his ending the relationship means he loves you any less. (((hugs)))

[Ellezz]

Hi Ellezz. Your story is indeed heartbreaking and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

If it helps at all, I do think it makes sense that he still loves you but finds it all too much. This kind of thing can happen in any relationship but is that much more difficult to deal with when it's LD.

 

Many couples break up despite still being in love because something about the relationship just doesn't work for them. IRL it may be that they have different priorities or goals, in a LDR it could very easily be because the stress of being separated is too much.

 

Everybody has their limits on what they find acceptable or bearable and, for me, seeing my SO twice a year wouldn't be enough. I struggle with one month together and three months apart. In my mind there are too many sacrifices in an LDR to keep going if you rarely see each other. Twice a year wouldn't be worth it - for me anyway.

 

I know it may not help to make you feel better but I wouldn't say that his ending the relationship means he loves you any less. (((hugs)))

 

Thank you Little Tiger. Some of what you said actually sound really similar to what he told me. How sad it is that people who love each other have to part like this. I wish I could be as lucky as you, seeing each other so often.

 

:(It's so hard to get over someone you love, and what scares me most is that I'm realizing what makes it so hard is that I don't really want to do this. I want him back. But since the problem is the distance, I can't do anything about it, unless one of us moves, which would involve A LOT...And I really don't know if it's a good idea to tell him my feelings now that we're not dating anymore... /sigh

[sammyd]

Just like to say great posts on here, and so helpful. It's just so heartbreaking and unfair.

Good luck to everyone on here:)