lavender09 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I need serious advice and I need it quick. My story is long and drawn out. But the gist of it is a 17 year relationship, 9 year marriage and 2 kids age 8 and 15. We have a 13 year age difference. I've already filed D papers but they still won't be served for another few weeks. He knows they're coming and now he's begging and pleading, promising to change, wants one last chance. We've already told the kids and they toom it as well as can be expected. They asked appropriate questions and we all cried. Problem now is, we have been doing an in home separation, in separate bedrooms. Now the kids are asking why can't we just stay together. It breaks my heart. I don't have an answer for that doesn't sound selfish, especially with him constantly pleading. I even suspaect he tells them to ask me why we have to breakup. I need advce from other divorcing moms. How do you handle these questons? I don't care what other people think, but my kids matter. I don't want to be the bad guy to them. I have absolutely no second thoughts about wanting to be with him. But I would do anything for my kids, can I endure this for another 10 yrs. I always said no, but facing them is so hard. Someone please help me stay strong cuz I don't want to cancel this divorce. It can't be finalized before february 2011. So I have a little time. I really think this in home separation is making it worse not better. But neither us have family in or state and he hasn't worked in 5 years and can't / won't support himself. And I can't support 2 households.
willowthewisp Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Could I ask what your reasons for divorcing him are and whether you tried all avenues to resolve any problems before making this decision?
blizzard Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I am going through some of the same... Are you connected to this post any longer? I realize you said you needed advice quickly.
Author lavender09 Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 Our story is long and complicated but he hasnt worked in years. He is physically able but was in and out of college since 1997 but has as yet not even earned a 2 year degree. He has a long pattern of inconsistencies and excuses. He will be 50 yrs next year and I'm 36 yet he has always been like another child of mine. He is not a bad person, just not the person for me. We've been together since I was 18 and I feel like I outgrew him and he is comfortable letting me take charge and I thought all I needed was the affection he gives, but as I grow and mature I realize that affection is not enough. He drinks and smokes and gambles a lot, none of which I do. Well now that after years of my complaining I moved to file papers, he NOW wants to look for a job in the past 2 weeks, and now he says he wants to be active in our kids lives. This is not only about getting a job, its so much more. He is always jealous and insecure and it translates into our relationship. We've been to counseling twice to no avail. He'll improve as long as someone else tells him what to do and as long as someone is watching. Thats why I dont have a lot of faith in his promised changes. And I feel like even if he did get a job, I am still so empty that it wont change my emotions about him. I do wish him the best, and want him to succeed in his own right, but I dont want to be with him anymore. Now, when my kids ask me to give him another chance, how do I say no to their little faces. I dont expect them to know nor would I discuss the intricacies of our relationship with them. I dont want to cast their father in a negative light in their eyes. They can plainly see his inconsistencies, and his use of alcohol and cigarettes I dont need to disparage him further. I want them to understand why I need to do what I think is right, without giving them too much inappropriate information for their age. Anyone else navigate these waters and can impart advice?
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