really-broken Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 There's a good chance that I'm crazy/nuts, but perhaps someone here is going through/goes through the same type of reaction as I do. During certain times of the day I get extra anxious, and also depending on the weekday, because I would think that my ex is probably or possibly having sex right now, or that's she's with another guy (I know there's another guy). I also automatically imagine more details like what she's doing with him and I do that to a detailed extent sometimes, and it drives me completely nuts. I try and suppress these thoughts but it's difficult to do during the times when I know it's evening/early morning in her timezone, esp. during weekends. What to do? There are lots of these thoughts. I would even imagine the sounds she/he are making and all the details, it is really tormenting. Thinking about her giving someone else orgasms, her getting wet, and her getting orgasms, etc... Sorry about the graphic post. Yes I know I need help but it won't be until next week now that I will see a therapist.
ShannonMI Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 There's a good chance that I'm crazy/nuts, but perhaps someone here is going through/goes through the same type of reaction as I do. During certain times of the day I get extra anxious, and also depending on the weekday, because I would think that my ex is probably or possibly having sex right now, or that's she's with another guy (I know there's another guy). I also automatically imagine more details like what she's doing with him and I do that to a detailed extent sometimes, and it drives me completely nuts. I try and suppress these thoughts but it's difficult to do during the times when I know it's evening/early morning in her timezone, esp. during weekends. What to do? There are lots of these thoughts. I would even imagine the sounds she/he are making and all the details, it is really tormenting. Thinking about her giving someone else orgasms, her getting wet, and her getting orgasms, etc... Sorry about the graphic post. Yes I know I need help but it won't be until next week now that I will see a therapist. I know how you feel. Just try not to think about it if you can. Keep yourself occupied. When you start thinking about these scenes, imagine the word "STOP" and focus on that. Hopefully that helps.
thatsonlyme Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I guess it's normal to some extent. I try to stop thinking about it when it happens but it's hard. I remember the things we did in the beginning and she was WILD! I have all the reasons to believe she's the same way now. Yup, it sucks
Author really-broken Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 I know how you feel. Just try not to think about it if you can. Keep yourself occupied. When you start thinking about these scenes, imagine the word "STOP" and focus on that. Hopefully that helps. I try to do that but sometimes it is really difficult. I know that this is probably all that I can do, until I can find a really strong distraction. It sucks because there are so many triggers. This is gonna sound strange but even eating a banana triggers this for god's sake certain sounds, smells, sights. And sometimes just masturbating or seeing couples or even just singles on the streets or on campus. I know it probably won't be like this forever but it feels like it. I can't get really drunk because I get sick when I drink too much, and also more depressed. I know that I am whining but at the moment I don't know what else to do!
Feelin Frisky Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I suggest going into therapy being open to medication. Cyclical thoughts and resultant re-amplified feelings don't happen without a chemistry to float them upon. Contemporary meds have been designed to deal with this chemistry rather than the traditional method of blanketing the central nervous system with tranquilizers, benzos or alcohol. If you make small changes in your emotional chemistry you may find the presence of mind you seek to retire cyclical patterns of unwanted thinking and resultant hard feeling.
ShannonMI Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I try to do that but sometimes it is really difficult. I know that this is probably all that I can do, until I can find a really strong distraction. It sucks because there are so many triggers. This is gonna sound strange but even eating a banana triggers this for god's sake certain sounds, smells, sights. And sometimes just masturbating or seeing couples or even just singles on the streets or on campus. I know it probably won't be like this forever but it feels like it. I can't get really drunk because I get sick when I drink too much, and also more depressed. I know that I am whining but at the moment I don't know what else to do! Don't drink because like you said, it's a depressant. You don't need that right now. These feelings will pass in time. You just need to power through it. Hang out with people to keep your mind off her. Just try to stay occupied. Read a book, watch some TV or a movie (not porn or anything sexual:p) I know it's easier said then done, but you can do it!
xinchao123 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I'm Vietnamese, so in my stereotype, you Westerns can get laid/have sex pretty easily am i right ? you know what man, a friend told me the fastest way to get over that obsession is to sleep with another chick. it sounds bad(to me) but if you just can't stop feeling this way, do it .but it's only short term. Keep yourself occupied do extra work out might help. Good luck bro !
Author really-broken Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 I'm Vietnamese, so in my stereotype, you Westerns can get laid/have sex pretty easily am i right ? you know what man, a friend told me the fastest way to get over that obsession is to sleep with another chick. it sounds bad(to me) but if you just can't stop feeling this way, do it .but it's only short term. Keep yourself occupied do extra work out might help. Good luck bro ! I'm white in colour but I'm not white (I'm middle eastern descent) though I guess I'm a 'westerner'. My ex was white though. Maybe all of that has something to do with me not being able to get laid easily too? But I have white friends who have the same problem. I think there may be a lot of factors. But I think I agree with you that getting laid would possibly be a good distraction. Though I did go on a few dates since we broke up, and got a little bit of action (not sex though) but that did not help it only reminded me of the comfort that I had with my ex, and how I don't have it any more. I guess also all the dates I went on were sub-par and there was very little chemistry with any of them.
Author really-broken Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Don't drink because like you said, it's a depressant. You don't need that right now. These feelings will pass in time. You just need to power through it. Hang out with people to keep your mind off her. Just try to stay occupied. Read a book, watch some TV or a movie (not porn or anything sexual:p) I know it's easier said then done, but you can do it! Yes all these things work temporarily, but at the end of the day (literally) I go to bed and I am alone, and that is also a big trigger. I do have to power through it because that's my only option. Damn the foibles of being human (or at least a human like me). Thanks for your input.
Author really-broken Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 I suggest going into therapy being open to medication. Cyclical thoughts and resultant re-amplified feelings don't happen without a chemistry to float them upon. Contemporary meds have been designed to deal with this chemistry rather than the traditional method of blanketing the central nervous system with tranquilizers, benzos or alcohol. If you make small changes in your emotional chemistry you may find the presence of mind you seek to retire cyclical patterns of unwanted thinking and resultant hard feeling. I am going to start therapy for other reasons as well, but I've tried meds before and they did not really help me, only made me wanna sleep through the day. And I am somewhat opposed to them for other reasons, including how most of them will likely make me impotent which might make me more depressed.
xinchao123 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I really feel for you , that bumped in my head all the time too and it just killed me, but not long, it lasted strong for 2 weeks,it was hell I couldn't do anything except lying in bed. how long it been since the break up ?
Feelin Frisky Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I am going to start therapy for other reasons as well, but I've tried meds before and they did not really help me, only made me wanna sleep through the day. And I am somewhat opposed to them for other reasons, including how most of them will likely make me impotent which might make me more depressed. I reccomend just being open. Finding the right med is a process of trial. You can advise the psychiatrist of your history and your concerns. Bear in mind that the sexual side effect most prevalent with the most prescribed meds, the SSRIs, is not "impotence"--it is anorgasmia. The difference is the difference between erectile dysfunction and mere difficulty achieving orgasm. Older meds can cause flacidity but most newer SSRIs don't--they just can make it somewhat harder to cum, not get hard. I've been taking Prozac for a long time and the anorgasmia went away. It sure doesn't make me sleepy, not even a hint. Good luck.
Author really-broken Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 I really feel for you , that bumped in my head all the time too and it just killed me, but not long, it lasted strong for 2 weeks,it was hell I couldn't do anything except lying in bed. how long it been since the break up ? lol 4.5 months
kaycstamper Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Talk to your doctor about your anxiety and employ the "stop thought" process, it helps. Do not dwell on the images and thoughts, but quickly move away from them. Here is a thread that helped me a lot in understanding how the brain's memories work: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2243454
Billie The Puppet Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Replace both parties in the visualizations with you and someone more better looking than the ex, or go rent porn. Funny I mention porn though as a male before my ex I watched it, with the ex we watched it 1 time, and since she became an ex I don't have the desire nor for self pleasuring (For the adults of this forum we know humans do it) However I have lacked the desire. Is this odd?
Author really-broken Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 Talk to your doctor about your anxiety and employ the "stop thought" process, it helps. Do not dwell on the images and thoughts, but quickly move away from them. Here is a thread that helped me a lot in understanding how the brain's memories work: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2243454 This method worked with other anxieties that I had in the past. I will try it again. I guess the difference with this type of anxiety though is that it is accompanied by loneliness and a need/desire to be with someone, and at the moment it is all directed at my ex. I feel like even though there are so many people in the world (millions) how come it is so difficult for me to somehow find someone again? It did take me a significant amount of time and many unsuccessful dates until i met my ex, so I guess there is also some sort of helplessness involved. I guess I also keep resenting how she was so ready to have sex with others very shortly after. I think I keep going in cycles but I am writing a lot of things down so that I can discuss them with my therapist.
TomerT Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Hi, I totally understand you...I also have images of my cheating gf fu**ng with other I would like to call him a man, but he is not. Never mind... what helps me is (1) sex (2) sport (recently I discovered boxing bag in our gym and it really really helps ! also cycling, when I cycle I almost break the pedals. Actually I think I improved some of my best times cause I was so angry ! and (3) music - not sad / depressive songs, but something like this: Helps me...
Author really-broken Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 It gets really bad at night I find it really hard to control, and on weekends. Like right now :(
Author really-broken Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 and also I am sure sex would help me but at the moment it is not an option, it seems.
skydiveaddict Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I know what you mean I feel the same way. I guess you just live with it until it fades away. That's all I can think of.
broken-and-lost Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 i really feel for you, i'm in the middle of a break up myself and it's only been a month, it was my fault due to previous issues from the past i sort counselling which really helped with the issues i already had, but it hasn't helped with moving on i still wake up early in the morning thinking of her and it is really hard on the weekends, all you can do is try and focus on other things but it can sometimes seem impossible as it hurts the weekends will always be the hardest as this is probably when you spent the most time together, If it's been 4-5 months you may need counselling to get you through it as it sound like your a little like me and focus on your mistakes and refuse to let them go i've done this for years but now try to focus on improving myself as a person it does hurt but maybe in time you will find yourself again, and when you do try and remember the things you did wrong in the past so as not to repeat them in a new relationship. I hope you get back to yourself soon, i'm hoping i can move on too good luck
SadGirl23 Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 i already can imagine my ex bf caressing some girl's body as she is on top of him. I imagine all that about them having sex. I even get sick at certain times of the day as I would assume he is doing it. Also, right now, I assume he is having sex as it's friday at 1am. But, I don't think it bothers me as much anymore as it did before. If anything, I would think he would be thinking I am having sex with a guy right now haha so its more like a win-win situation. If you kinda throw back that confidence like you can get some too just like she could, then it ease the worrying a little. But trust me, I know what u mean.. just think of anything but that. When I'm thinking about him having sex with another girl, that's when I turn on some music or run downstairs and grab a snack to throw my mental thinking off because then I'll just be focusing on "walking down the stairs to get the snack," get it? But I am planning to seek counseling as this breakup even though its going to be 3 months, it still haunts me.
thatsonlyme Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I feel comfort knowing that my ex is not getting much more sex then I do LD relationship sux. I do think about it every time she goes to see him though, they probably f**k like rabbits those few days when they're together. This is funny, my friend who's also going through break up probably feels a lot better. Believe it or not, his ex told him that her new guy has a small d**k LOL. I mean, wtf would somebody say something like this? counseling sounds like a good options for some people, I even considered it myself, but now I feel a lot better so I think I'm gonna pass.
Author really-broken Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 SadGirl23: What you are describing is a lot like what I feel. Last night I couldn't really sleep well but also because there's a lot of time-zone difference, I basically wake up when it's night time there so right now even though it's morning here I still feel really bad thinking about it, because it's also weekend. Though it's hardest in the present moment, it is also hard thinking about how much sex she's had in the last 4 months since we broke up, and how I have not had any sex. Also thinking how that must have made her forget all about me, and because she's my first I associate so much with her. It's all ****ed! I know that one day I will probably be over this but it's still something that I struggle with almost daily, and every single weekend since we broke up. It is a horrible feeling and because I have a couple of other issues it doesn't help at all. You describe it a little mildly, but is it a lot more graphic in your mind? Have you had sex at all since the breakup? broken-and-lost: we have similar nicknames! yeah what you said makes sense, I do focus and obsess on what I could have done differently. And also how I must be inferior and a "loser" because of how things panned out. thatsonlyme: She told me that she doesn't love the new guy, and that it's not "amazing" with him, but also that doesn't mean she won't find another guy, or that things might change. I am sure things wouldn't have been as difficult if we were still talking and she was not having sex. But that's just not how things are.
Author really-broken Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 I know what you mean I feel the same way. I guess you just live with it until it fades away. That's all I can think of. I hope you are right. So far it hasn't faded much, though the feeling itself changed a little bit since the months before. I find every day is a little different, but not necessarily better.
Recommended Posts