mmk1 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I've recently started dating after ending a marriage. I've just started dating a girl whom I've known casually for 5 years. We went on one date last Saturday and ended up at my place. Things went very well and she stayed very late. She is taking me to a concert next Wednesday blocks from where I live in the City. She lives in the suburbs about 30 miles away. Today, we were texting about the details of going to the concert. Because things went so well last weekend and the distance involved, I texted her that she should just stay over with me after the concert. Granted, this text was only 4 hours ago, but she has not replied. Was that too much too soon to ask her stay over on what would be our 2nd date? Should that offend a girl? Am I worrying about this way too much and too soon? Thanks for the help!
TaraMaiden Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Text a 2nd time; "BtW, just so's you know, I do have a spare room"..... (You DO have a spare room..... do you?)
Author mmk1 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Yes, I do. It was like she slept over anyway last week, just I ended up taking her home. Tara, I value your opinion, was that offensive or insulting or am I overthinking it??
Mellisa Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I've recently started dating after ending a marriage. I've just started dating a girl whom I've known casually for 5 years. We went on one date last Saturday and ended up at my place. Things went very well and she stayed very late. She is taking me to a concert next Wednesday blocks from where I live in the City. She lives in the suburbs about 30 miles away. Today, we were texting about the details of going to the concert. Because things went so well last weekend and the distance involved, I texted her that she should just stay over with me after the concert. Granted, this text was only 4 hours ago, but she has not replied. Was that too much too soon to ask her stay over on what would be our 2nd date? Should that offend a girl? Am I worrying about this way too much and too soon? Thanks for the help! I dont think you should have texted her before you go out that she should just stay over..it's like you were planing it to happen..She might get a little suspicious or think it's too much too soon..You can mention that after the concert when she's going home and that's when you jump in casually and say if she doesnt mind she can crash at your place etc
Allisha Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Yes, I do. It was like she slept over anyway last week, just I ended up taking her home. Tara, I value your opinion, was that offensive or insulting or am I overthinking it?? I hope you don't mind me replying even though you directed those questions at Tara. - It really depends on the girl. Some will take offence. Others will not. It can imply you think she's easy enough to jump in your bed on the second date. Not many girls want to be considered easy by a guy they are dating. - It has only been a few hours, so you are overthinking it right now. Her phone might have died for all you know ..that's why you shouldn't panic so quickly. A word of warning though: it is the sort of thing that could put a girl off if she takes it the wrong way.
TaraMaiden Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Yes, I do. It was like she slept over anyway last week, just I ended up taking her home. Tara, I value your opinion, was that offensive or insulting or am I overthinking it?? You're overthinking it. The reason people write novels, is because the written word evokes such astonishing images in the head, when we read the narrative. The author permits us to magically conjure up scenarios within the parameters of their story, and 'Wuthering Heights' will evoke different images in my mind, to those it evokes in yours....Yet we've read the same words.... If I say "tree".... what do you see in your mind? I'll bet it's a different tree to mine..... What I'm trying to say is that sometimes, picking up the 'phone and saying something, is a better way of communicating your intention than sending a text. Talk to her. It's allowed, you know.....
Author mmk1 Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 She did text back 'you are funny' but I think I may have screwed up. I thought we could pick things up where we left off last time but she likely thinks I was being presumptuous. I think she was really put off. I tested back that I was just kidding, have a great weekend and ill see her next Wednesday. She is not looking for a relationship so I'm backing way off until our next date. Should I apologize when I see her or just act like a gentleman and not mention it.
denise_xo Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I really don't think it's such a big deal if she's more or less stayed the night at your place already. As to whether you should bring it up, I appreciate men (people) who are straight forward and address possible misunderstandings head on so we can just get it out of the way, but that's just me. No need to be overly apologetic, that might make it into something bigger than it actually is. Good luck and hope it goes well.
daphne Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 MMK, I wouldn't mention it again. Just respond if she brings it up. Be a gentleman, of course. I can take offense to presumptiousness, but it depends on the situation. If you were over eager and displaying intentions to have sex early, you would be off my list. But given the circumstances (concert), I'm not sure I would have read too much into it.
Author mmk1 Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 We did everything except sex last week but she talked about sex and her "Toy drawer" all night long. But, I think I will leave it alone unless she says something. I'm learning not to assume I can pick up where I left it with a girl and just pretend its another first date and take it from there.
Sabali Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I almost never present plans to a woman to stay at my house at the end of a date. It destroys the mystery, spontaneity and anticipation of what may happen towards the end of the night which is exciting. Wasn't it fun when she just ended up at your place the first time and stayed late and you wasn't even expecting it? I try not to follow an itinerary. I think it was not a good move to text something like this not to mention, not a very exciting way to be asked to spend the night with someone. For the record, I am against texting when it comes to dating and relationships which I won't go into. The magnitude of asking someone you are dating to spend the night with you should not be handled through a text. You should present this to her verbally. The added bonus to this is that you can evaluate her reaction through her voice and facial expression in person which I think is the best option. Again, I wouldn't even do it before we actually were hanging out. What if the date is lukewarm? Now there's this obligation of spending the night that must be handled and would be awkward towards the end of the night. You should be getting a feel of whether she would be most likely to come back to your place throughout the night. The main thing here is that it is too early to ask a woman to spend the night at your place after going only on one date. In this case, if you would like for her to come back at your place at the end of the night after your second date have a plan. For example, at the end of the night after walking to the car, asking her to come back to for something in specific is a good idea. Something such as, "hey, lets go back to my place and have some wine" or "lets go back to my place and play such and such." Now it is quite possible that she may feel like she has to play goalie and prevent you from scoring on the second date. Just a possibility because may be suspicious that you are just trying to get in her pants. For people that you have been dating longer and built up a real connection, you can just look her right in the eyes at the end of the night and simply say "I want you to spend the night with me." I realize that she stayed very late before but I still think that it is too early to take it for granted that she will want to continue to do this. It takes several dates to reach that comfort level.
carhill Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Considering your backstory, I'd take things slow.
Author mmk1 Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 Sabali/carhill, thanks for the excellent advice. As carhill notes, dating is new to me and I screwed up and was presumptuous in the extreme. Have I screwed this up for good and is there anything else I should do, like call and talk to her about it, before the concert? If not, should I say anything to her about it when we go out next? Thanks!
carhill Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Have I screwed this up for good and is there anything else I should do, like call and talk to her about it, before the concert? If not, should I say anything to her about it when we go out next?I'd table it for now. Also, dating interactions progress. I've never had a regressive dynamic work out in a positive way. Remain consistent and unapologetic in your desire, if that is what you feel. Either she's in or she's out, situationally or globally; her choice.
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