amythan Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 (edited) Hi - Maybe this is just my insecurities or maybe it is real. We have been FWB for the last months. Long distance one. He used to be the one showing lots of interest in spending time with me and^I always had feelings for him. He is the one wanting a casual thing and I decide to go ahead anyway. We still talk almost every day and he is really doing his best to help me with some very important stuff. So he cares, at least as a friend. Lately he never tells me he wants to see me and the last two times I was around we couldn’t meet because he was busy. Excuses were completely understandable though but who knows if they were true …. I asked him yesterday about having dinner on Monday, yes very short notice and he said that he cannot because blah blah but let me see if I can move things around. You should have told me earlier that you were coming, you silly one! Anyway I am getting the impression he does not want to see me. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe just going crazy I do not know. I just want to be sure that if he thinks this is not a good idea he would tell me. I do not want to fool myself trying to make plans if he doesn’t feel the same ! But I am afraid to bring the issue in case he thinks I am just demanding. I am feeling insecure. I accept the rules but if he changes his mind I would like to know. Do I have the right to ask this ? I know he owes me nothing and I do not want him to freak out. How can I bring the issue without appearing as needy ? Thank you !! Edited October 15, 2010 by amythan
Scarlett513 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Yes you have the "right" to get the information you need from him in order to make the best decision for you. However I think the real issue shouldn't be you trying desperately to cling to the scraps he gives you. You already seem to know he doesn't feel the same for you as you do for him. This situation is making you insecure and unhappy, so why are you settling for this? I've been where you are, so I understand it can be very difficult to end things with someone you care about. But if this is weighing on you, you should talk to him. Be prepared for him to say that he's just not interested in more... I think he is backing off bc he's only interested in sex and you're asking him to do date activities like going out to dinner. If I were you I would tell him that you e realized that FWB may not be for you. Cut it off and move on to someone who returns your affections.
Author amythan Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 I was afraid to ask because I do not want to appear as needy or demanding. Even more I do not know if everything is in my mind or if he is really backing off. But if he is I would like to know because I do not want to ridicule myself showing interest in seeing someone who does not feel the same. I do not think the dinner is the problem. We always go out for dinners, lunches .. even for a weekend. I have never asked for more than he offered - even if this is perhaps a mistake.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Any relationship where you're "afraid" to communicate your thoughts and feelings is a bad relationship and one best shed, in my experience.
Scarlett513 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 If that's the case I think you can easily ask without coming off as demanding. Next time you're alone together, in a non-threatening, off-hand way, say something like, "hey, I noticed you're not around much lately. Is everything ok?" This gives him the opportunity to bring up any issues if there is something he wants to say. Then just listen. Don't react negatively if you hear something you don't like. Just hear what he says (and doesn't say) to figure out where he's coming from. I still stand by my opinion though that you should re-evaluate this "relationship." Obviously I don't know what goes on between the two of you but from what I'm reading, you're not completely satisfied with the situation and it's stressing you out. Don't sell yourself short, and keep in mind that by staying invested in this you may be missing out on meeting someone who wants you for all you have to offer.
Author amythan Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Thank you, i guess you are right. I am very unhappy and insecure. I never felt like this in my whole life. So i need to think about this seriously but the timing is just wrong. The problem to talk to him is that we do not even live in the same country. We always made real efforts to see each other all around Europe. Yes, this is crazy. So i do not know how to tell him by email without sound dramatic !
CrestfallenNoMore Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Thank you, i guess you are right. I am very unhappy and insecure. I never felt like this in my whole life. So i need to think about this seriously but the timing is just wrong. The problem to talk to him is that we do not even live in the same country. We always made real efforts to see each other all around Europe. Yes, this is crazy. So i do not know how to tell him by email without sound dramatic ! Just say "Thanks for the time we had together, but I've decided to pursue something beyond a FWB arrangement. Good luck to you!" If he tries to talk you out of it, he's refusing to hear "no," and it's all the more reason to walk because he'll be putting his desires above what's best for you (as often happens in FWB arrangements, unfortunately ). Most of us have been there, OP, and had to learn the hard way, too.
Author amythan Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 I have being thinking so much about this and i am going to ask him. If he is really avoiding me better to know, right ? If he really cares, at least as a friend, he should understand that this situation is sometimes difficult. If he really thinks i am stupid because of asking .. well, his problem ... I realize that sometimes go with the flow and pretend i am the coolest person on earth does not suit me that well
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