TerryW Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 As ws is getting ready for work he springs this on me. (his boss and good friend)________'s going away party is today. I'm going to stop by and buy him a beer. It's on the way home from work. I ask where. Same place where he met AP. He asks if it's okay. I say It doesn't sound like I have a choice. He says Yes you do. I tell him to do whatever he wants.......more back and forth and he leaves saying that he's not going. I'm angry that he just sprung this on me!!!!! I'm afraid I'll look like a witch if he doesn't get to go. Am I being unreasonable? What do you think?
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 As ws is getting ready for work he springs this on me. (his boss and good friend)________'s going away party is today. I'm going to stop by and buy him a beer. It's on the way home from work. I ask where. Same place where he met AP. He asks if it's okay. I say It doesn't sound like I have a choice. He says Yes you do. I tell him to do whatever he wants.......more back and forth and he leaves saying that he's not going. I'm angry that he just sprung this on me!!!!! I'm afraid I'll look like a witch if he doesn't get to go. Am I being unreasonable? What do you think? I know that feeling....mine was over a pen I found with a restaurant printed on it in the city the witch lives in! In all honesty...I see both sides to this. I don't think you should stop him from going anywhere..because the fact of the matter is...is if he's going to cheat..hes just going to cheat! You really don't want him to harbour any resentment against you as well. Why not go and get yourself a pedicure and manicure in the meantime? I also think it depends on how things have been between you and him since D-Day. If things are still rocky...then either way..you cant force a grown man to stay at home. But I think you should tell him either way how you feel. Me personally...I know my h used the working late excuse for his a..and he does still have to work late at times...but I can't let those insecurities get to me. I mean it does help that he calls me a whole bunch of times while he's working though! Not that I ask him too..he just does...which is good in many ways for only 6months out of D-Day! Then again I just got a rude-awakening on Wednesday when the ow called him..you can read my post! Anyhow...good luck...but remember...keep your head up..and insecurities away! Like I said...if they're going to do it...theres nothing you can do to stop it!
Author TerryW Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Sorry I had to fix breakfast for my kids. (Burned the bacon anyway) Here are the details/pros vs. cons 1. He didn't pick this place for tonights happy hour. 2. He said he didn't know where it was being held until this morning. 3. This is the place where they first met but not where they went to coffee and such. This was PROBABLY an EA but would have gone farther if I hadn't caught it. First I feel like he wasn't going to tell me it was at this place. I had a feeling and that's why I asked. That makes me angry. Last night was our weekly "talk" and he didn't have anything to say re. this. Maybe if I had some time but it was sprung on me. Will he say ok I won't go but then hold it against me and think I'm being a witch. It will look bad in the organization if he doesn't go. He's already called me but I didn't answer the phone. I need time to think.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Sorry I had to fix breakfast for my kids. (Burned the bacon anyway) Here are the details/pros vs. cons 1. He didn't pick this place for tonights happy hour. 2. He said he didn't know where it was being held until this morning. 3. This is the place where they first met but not where they went to coffee and such. This was PROBABLY an EA but would have gone farther if I hadn't caught it. First I feel like he wasn't going to tell me it was at this place. I had a feeling and that's why I asked. That makes me angry. Last night was our weekly "talk" and he didn't have anything to say re. this. Maybe if I had some time but it was sprung on me. Will he say ok I won't go but then hold it against me and think I'm being a witch. It will look bad in the organization if he doesn't go. He's already called me but I didn't answer the phone. I need time to think. Ok I understand your jist...but what do you seriously need to "think" about...if your letting your grown man of a husband to make a decision? Granted..he's made stupid stupid stupid decisions before...you have to let this go girl! I also think it was stupid stupid stupid of him not to mention this last night when you have a weekly talk in place. But then again..it couldv'e been so less important to him to feel the need to mention it..or he simply forgot. All I'm trying to get at is simple. You can't make decisions for him. Ask him straight up..why he didn't mention it last night..and see what his response is. Then tell him you don't like the idea of it...but at the same time...your going to do what your going to do..so whatever! And leave it at that! Please don't show him your insecure with this even if you have an uneasy feeling about it. This is part of rebuilding trust. You don't want him to think your this clingy lil insecure wife whose needy. Cause honey..thats a whole other recipe for disaster! Be strong...PLEASE!!!
Author TerryW Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Ok, now I've had time to process this. It's not so much going to that place. The thing that upsets me is that YET AGAIN he was trying to act like a great guy by asking and saying that my opinion matters when in reality he was OMITTING important information. That was his mo during the A. So... I called him back and said that if he wanted to go then go. But I made sure that he understood why I was upset. I feel like he is going back to his pattern of omitting. He said that he just __ssed out. Not sure what to think. He says he told his boss the truth about why he couldn't go (boss already knows) and that he wants to come home early, bring me lunch from favorite Chinese place and then do the shopping chores. It just leaves me thinking that 1) are you being real here or back to your old ways and 2) how is doing all that supposed to make me feel better? I'm still left with the doubt about you. I think he's just trying to make himself feel better.
Spark1111 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Sorry I had to fix breakfast for my kids. (Burned the bacon anyway) Here are the details/pros vs. cons 1. He didn't pick this place for tonights happy hour. 2. He said he didn't know where it was being held until this morning. 3. This is the place where they first met but not where they went to coffee and such. This was PROBABLY an EA but would have gone farther if I hadn't caught it. First I feel like he wasn't going to tell me it was at this place. I had a feeling and that's why I asked. That makes me angry. Last night was our weekly "talk" and he didn't have anything to say re. this. Maybe if I had some time but it was sprung on me. Will he say ok I won't go but then hold it against me and think I'm being a witch. It will look bad in the organization if he doesn't go. He's already called me but I didn't answer the phone. I need time to think. I do not answer either when I need time to think or process my emotions. But I am happy to be asked because it shows consideration for the pain this nonsense has caused me. If I feel insecure about anything, I tell him and he understands why. But I usually say, "well, sure...if you have to than you should." Guess what? He triggers more than I do today. So I would ask him when he came home from something like that, "Are you okay? Are you sure?"
2sure Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 No, you are not being unreasonable to want him to avoid the place he met his affair partner. But you are being unreasonable in NOT just coming out and telling him that. He is not a mind reader. And as much as we want our WS to KNOW what we need sometimes we have to tell them. You dont have to be angry he didnt know. You dont have to feel like a shrew for telling him. You could also be honest and tell him that it bothers you that he didnt think of this before deciding to go. You can tell him but you cant crucify him for it.
seren Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Triggers and places, or places that trigger are a pain in the butt. I used to literally throw up the first few weeks after D Day, when I drove past the hotel where H and OW met. In the end I had to tackle it or risk chucking up every time I went into town. So, I booked us a room, took champagne and made sure I owned the dammed place (mentally). I also reclaimed every sex act in the book, from A to Z so that wouldn't trigger either. Now, some 3 years after D Day things don't trigger so much, sometimes do, but we talk about it. When I heard and understood exactly (and I mean exactly) what it was all about, I think that I had built these places to have such importance, but they, like the A, wasn't all that really. In fact the more I got to know, the more I didn't understand. As for trust, well I would have thrown him into a room with OW on D Day and known that he would've run a mile. Triggers happen, they are bloody awful, but talk, talk, talk, I hope your thoughts will be more to do with the now, than the then. I know I have rambled, but because of a family birthday I am reminded that today is 3 years to the day from D Day. Am I triggering? nope, well, not much, we are very happy, we have our moments, but the A is old news. The marriage is now and the future looks good. I hope all goes well. x
Author TerryW Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Sorry if my title made you think that this was about me deciding whether he could go or not. It's not. It's about the OMITTING of important information that I should have gotten with out asking. (that's the importance of thinking) That's what has triggered me not the place so much. Didn't think I was triggered until I read the last post. This is a different type of trigger. I'm triggered thinking is he back to omitting to get what he wants? Been through the other type of triggers for a year and a half now and know how to handle them. Doubt.. that's it. Thanks for your posts. I needed to think and reason this out.
Spark1111 Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Sorry if my title made you think that this was about me deciding whether he could go or not. It's not. It's about the OMITTING of important information that I should have gotten with out asking. (that's the importance of thinking) That's what has triggered me not the place so much. Didn't think I was triggered until I read the last post. This is a different type of trigger. I'm triggered thinking is he back to omitting to get what he wants? Been through the other type of triggers for a year and a half now and know how to handle them. Doubt.. that's it. Thanks for your posts. I needed to think and reason this out. Terry, than he is afraid of your reaction. He fears your anger. He has to go cuz it's the boss, but he knows of all the places in the world this place? It might really hurt you. He is afraid of hurting you or making you angry......again. So you have EVERY right to tell him that you need more time to PROCESS certain information, or requests.... That it is NOT the place he had to go to, (though that does cause some insecurity for you), but his springing it on you last minute.....really triggers you and that you need more time to sort out your feelings. Is this what you need to say to him?
Author TerryW Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Yes, thank you for understanding.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Sorry if my title made you think that this was about me deciding whether he could go or not. It's not. It's about the OMITTING of important information that I should have gotten with out asking. (that's the importance of thinking) That's what has triggered me not the place so much. Didn't think I was triggered until I read the last post. This is a different type of trigger. I'm triggered thinking is he back to omitting to get what he wants? Been through the other type of triggers for a year and a half now and know how to handle them. Doubt.. that's it. Thanks for your posts. I needed to think and reason this out. Okay I understand it now...sorry for sounding like the "get over it" type of poster. I am not! Sooooooo...what happened??? Did you clear the air? Did he go? Did you talk with him and make him understand that his omitting the facts triggered or well got you thinking again?
2sunny Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 at times when someone looks like they may be doing something by overcompensating - it triggers me to think that they are guilty of something i'm not privy to knowing. if it were me - i would have point blank told him - "i don't want you to go!" the boss knows the story - why does he need to be there if it puts the M at risk? if he chose to go - then it sends a message to you that he deems going more important than the M. did he go? what was said? i still hate overcompensating for bad decisions/behavior... that's just a lousy way to try to make up for the fact that the behavior shouldn't have been done in the first place.
Author TerryW Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 No he didn't go. I told him my feelings and he apoligized for not telling me all the facts up front. He swore that he was going to tell me where it was. His boss understood and looks like all is well. He learned a lesson in that I need time to process these type of things. I learned to look at the problem and really see what is bothering me. Learning curve I guess. Have a great day everybody.
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