tiewebb Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Met this girl online recently and after exchanging a few emails (in which we seemed to get along really well), opportunity came up to meet in person. We chatted over the phone first and she seemed really lovely and again, we got on well. Come first date night last night, met up with her at a really nice bar for a couple of drinks, which I thought would be harmless (better than dinner). Even though she had seen my photos before (and they were less than two months old), she seemed a bit surprised when she met me in person. And rather nervous. I must admit that I've not had a lot of experience dating in my 20's (in late 20's now) as was overweight for quite a few years, something I have corrected in the last year or so. Don't get me wrong, met some great girls along the way and have a lot of female friends who I get on with like a house on fire. Had some starts but unfortunately, didn't progress. Nothing to do with commitment issues or anything as I genuinely wanted a serious relationship and have never seen myself as a player. So when the question came up about long term relationship experience, so I was completely honest. You know, had some opportunities, didn't work out. She couldn't understand why I hadn't had a long term relationship before and seemed to think it was a massive red flag. Fair enough I guess if she is concerned about commitment issues. She then proceeded to become completely obnoxious and rude for the remainder of the date in terms of her questions (most of which were inappropriate). So I politely pulled the pin shortly afterwards and she then seemed concerned that she'd hurt my feelings. She admitted afterwards that she'd probably turn around when she was 35 and still single and wish she'd married someone like me. So today I get a phone call first thing in the morning with her apologising profusely for her behaviour, saying that she was totally out of line, really nervous and a little bit drunk. I'm all for giving people a second chance, particularly given she is a little bit younger than me, and as I am not convinced I saw the 'real' her (even though that sometimes happens when people are drunk). However, the tone of her voice made me think that perhaps she was keen to rectify the situation and/or have a fresh start. What do you guys think? My guess is that it is a no-go, but thought I'd ask someone else's opinion. Thanks for reading.
Tim The Enchanter Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 The fact that she called you the very next day to apologise shows integrity, in my opinion. It's true to say that women will judge you on how many LTRs you have had, especially if you are late 20s and older. Many women will think that there must be something wrong with you if you have not had one by that time. I say give her another shot.
ToriAmos Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I can understand your point, but I thought it would be a good idea to ask you whether or not she told you about her past relationships. If she did, did she have commitment issues in the past? A lot of women do consider not being in a long term relationship a problem when it's not necessarily. Maybe she's had experience with people who aren't into relationships when she is. Did you tell her you were open to long term relationships (if you even are)? She did react badly from the sounds of it, but genuinely seems to be making up for it and realizing it wasn't as big of a deal as she made it. I would say that if you are still attracted and interested in her yourself, then go for it. At least try it out a little longer, unless she completely put you off with her questioning.
Surrealist Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Mate if you like her, and she's sincere with her apology, which sounds like she is, then why not give it another go? Maybe just make clear to her that you won't tolerate that kind of behavior but you're willing to forgive and give things a go. Sometimes I think we need to be a little more forgiving on smaller issues if someone is genuinely sorry.
Mellisa Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Met this girl online recently and after exchanging a few emails (in which we seemed to get along really well), opportunity came up to meet in person. We chatted over the phone first and she seemed really lovely and again, we got on well. Come first date night last night, met up with her at a really nice bar for a couple of drinks, which I thought would be harmless (better than dinner). Even though she had seen my photos before (and they were less than two months old), she seemed a bit surprised when she met me in person. And rather nervous. I must admit that I've not had a lot of experience dating in my 20's (in late 20's now) as was overweight for quite a few years, something I have corrected in the last year or so. Don't get me wrong, met some great girls along the way and have a lot of female friends who I get on with like a house on fire. Had some starts but unfortunately, didn't progress. Nothing to do with commitment issues or anything as I genuinely wanted a serious relationship and have never seen myself as a player. So when the question came up about long term relationship experience, so I was completely honest. You know, had some opportunities, didn't work out. She couldn't understand why I hadn't had a long term relationship before and seemed to think it was a massive red flag. Fair enough I guess if she is concerned about commitment issues. She then proceeded to become completely obnoxious and rude for the remainder of the date in terms of her questions (most of which were inappropriate). So I politely pulled the pin shortly afterwards and she then seemed concerned that she'd hurt my feelings. She admitted afterwards that she'd probably turn around when she was 35 and still single and wish she'd married someone like me. So today I get a phone call first thing in the morning with her apologising profusely for her behaviour, saying that she was totally out of line, really nervous and a little bit drunk. I'm all for giving people a second chance, particularly given she is a little bit younger than me, and as I am not convinced I saw the 'real' her (even though that sometimes happens when people are drunk). However, the tone of her voice made me think that perhaps she was keen to rectify the situation and/or have a fresh start. What do you guys think? My guess is that it is a no-go, but thought I'd ask someone else's opinion. Thanks for reading. So the question is whether or not should you ask her out again?Did she hint about wantint to see you more in the future? Her next morning apology on the phone probably is a good sign that she wants to see you again and now the ball is in your court.I would say give it a second chance by asking her out again and see how it'll go then. Dont show that you are too eager just take it easy and see if you'll like hanging out first.
Author tiewebb Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 Thanks guys. Yeah, she did talk about the fact that she had been in quite a few relationships but they hadn't necessarily worked out. I have a post grad qualification, a solid career, own my own place and outside of the dating world, have had a successful life, so she seemed to think there was something wrong with me and didn't get why I wasn't married with 2 kids out in the 'burbs? I explained that I'd done a lot of study, had worked long hours and have done a lot of travel (including living overseas). I'm usually one to go with 'gut feel' so to speak, and something tells me I should be giving her another go. Thing is, in my early dealings with her, thought she was one of those girls who comes along once in a blue moon, so last night really did confuse the heck out of me! Hence the idea of giving her another chance.
sanskrit Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Tell her you will accept her apology provided it comes with the offer of a home-cooked meal at her choice of your place or hers. Otherwise you are being too easy. If you accept the apology without making some kind of "statement" that such is unacceptable, you are sending her a "desperate guy I can steamroll" message. Also, learn to change the topic and deflect with humor when on first dates and an erstwhile HR officer across the table from you starts "evaluating" you. Many women do this online dating until you show them who actually has control of the date, then they start becoming attracted. It's -your- date, that -you- asked them on, control things and they build respect and attraction, let them have control and they lose respect and attraction. It's just like dancing, things fall apart when you give them the lead. You saw this exact phenomenon to such a degree that the woman actually called and apologized, a rarity, but just goes to show that even she knows she went over the line. One last thing, if you do see her again, make no mention of what happened on the first date. If she brings it up, just smile and say "Crazy, huh?" She will not know whether you are talking about her or just that the first date was bad, this will push an "insecurity" button and shut her up temporarily, hopefully permanently on the topic of the first date. If she bristles and asks, "are you calling me crazy?" just grin and say "No" with no explanation. Then ask her what kind of wine she likes, but pronounce it like "whine." She will short-circuit off the interrogator track, as it is not returning the signals she wants about you, only negative signals about herself. Then take control back and move on to more flirty, fun topics. If she is laughing and flirting, the "red pencil resume" attitude won't interfere. In every "first date from the net scenario," someone is the trainer and someone is the horse. Better you be the trainer, it is much more fun, and you have good intent, a "benevolent dictator" as it were. A sad fact about early dating that I wish were not so, control = power, power is a zero sum game, many women mistake kindness for weakness before getting to know you. Do the math. Good luck regardless of what you decide.
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