denise_xo Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Two hours ago. She probably thought I was too anxious. It was too soon to contact her again. Obviously I don't know about this woman in particular, but in general I don't really buy this 'it was too soon' logic. So many threads started by women in this section are about how they are insecure because the man didn't contact them soon after a date. Personally, when I've been interested in someone I've just been happy if he called or sent an email or whatever. If she's not interested you might as well find out sooner rather than later. In any case, two hours is nothing - I often turn my phone on silent for hours at the time as I don't want it ringing if I'm in a meeting or concentrating on something at work or having dinner with friends or whatever. Good luck.
grecian Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I am a female and think that you called back way too quickly after your date. It's better to wait a few days and never call or text on weekends. You should try maybe on a tuesday or wednesday and suggest something for the weekend.
PhillyDude Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Ttat question at the end of the date probably was a turnoff-"Would you like to do something again?" JMO
carhill Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 OP, IMO, if she likes you, short of you having a totally screwed up approach, what, how and when won't really matter. So, if your 'style' has been represented accurately here, go with that, think nothing of it, and accept the results. She's one online stranger whom you've had one meeting with. Accept that she's more than likely meeting other online strangers. You do the same. Eventually one or a few will stand out. That's how it works. My opinion on specifics.... whenever possible, if *you* are enjoying yourself and wish to see the lady again, offer *specific* plans for a future date when with her. Example: 'I had a wonderful time tonight. This band I like is playing at xxx on xxx and I'd love for you to join me for some dinner and music.' Then, listen. Make positive statements about what you want rather than asking yes/no or vague questions. Kudos for calling and leaving a VM. That's positive. Remember, positive statements. Share your *plan* but leave some of the specifics a mystery. *If* she's interested, she'll call you. If she's not, what you say and do is irrelevant. Stay true to *yourself*. Contact other women online and IRL. Press more flesh. It is the simplest and most pleasurable way of eliminating threads like this one. Good luck
Author hearttobreak Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 She got back to me this afternoon saying she apologized for no getting back to me sooner. Sunday did not work, and suggested maybe we can get together another day. I texted back, sure. How does your weekend next week look? Still waiting for a text response. I'm on Sprint, she's on AT&T. Hope it goes through.
carhill Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 YMMV, but if a woman said a particular day 'didn't work for her' and didn't offer a specific day that did, bye bye... And, yes, I've practiced this while dating since separated. Don't miss them in the least. I'm looking for someone who *is* interested in dating. Up to you what you want. And stop texting. If you leave a VM and she texts back, invite her to call you. 'Call me' is the response. If she doesn't, next. Simple and effective boundaries.
Author hearttobreak Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 Then why text me back and suggest another day? Why not say not interested or not contact back at all? Makes no sense to say maybe another day when they do not mean it.
carhill Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 String along. Those few electrons, like the seconds it took for me to post this, take little effort but yet impart maximum effect. Women did this to me for years, though not via texting as it didn't yet exist. The dangling of the potential. Resist assimilation
Author hearttobreak Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 Just texted back, it seems like you are not very interested. No prob. Take care. One and a half hrs. for a text message reply shows lack of interest right there.
Cee Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Then why text me back and suggest another day? Why not say not interested or not contact back at all? Makes no sense to say maybe another day when they do not mean it. This is classic "fade" behavior. A man/woman will be willing to text, but not to commit to a date. I admit I've done the fade. I usually do it when I'm on the fence about somebody and need time to see if I like them. But usually after a few days, I realize I'm not interested. I don't want to flat out reject them, I just want to drift away. In 99% of the cases, guys pick up on the fade and don't text me anymore. And I admit, I'm relieved. I know my behavior sucks, but at the moment it doesn't matter. I am off the dating circuit b/c I can't take it anymore.
Author hearttobreak Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 This is classic "fade" behavior. A man/woman will be willing to text, but not to commit to a date. I admit I've done the fade. I usually do it when I'm on the fence about somebody and need time to see if I like them. But usually after a few days, I realize I'm not interested. I don't want to flat out reject them, I just want to drift away. In 99% of the cases, guys pick up on the fade and don't text me anymore. And I admit, I'm relieved. Seems cowardly for a man or woman to do that.
carhill Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Perhaps it might *seem* that way, but in reality people are just various stages of strangers anyway, with no implied contracts of treatment, decorum, and/or guarantees. For example, one lady I was dating, when I called her while traveling to make a date, said she was busy and didn't suggest an alternative day/time/place. This was after three dinner dates and one night at the movies, all at my request. I simply told her 'I understand. Take care' and ended the call. Never spoke with her again. I enforced my boundaries. She didn't have any say in that decision. *If* she had been interested, after three seemingly mutually enjoyable dates, she would have suggested an alternative or called me back. My people-picker is working much better now.
Author hearttobreak Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 Just shows she's a heartless cowardly person. Seems many are.
melodymatters Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Just texted back, it seems like you are not very interested. No prob. Take care. One and a half hrs. for a text message reply shows lack of interest right there. Wow ! Well she MAY have been sincere, she may have been on the fence or she may have been uninterested. Texting the above clearly puts you in the last column. There are trends yes, but some of you are acting like this is finite mathmatics !
carhill Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Suggestion: Mutate heartless and cowardly to 'incompatible'. IMO, your success rate will go up when you do and you'll feel better about the failures. Feel positive about enforcing *your* boundaries, and without prejudice. There will be a compatible man for that woman and she will find him. Him isn't you. Life goes on Also, while I might suggest a path, that *does not* mean it's *your* path. You decide what is healthy for you. I actually learned this from women. I watched how they've treated me and enforced their own boundaries and learned from those experiences and applied that learning to my own path, in my own way. No prejudice. A little bitterness still there, but it's getting less each day.
Author hearttobreak Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 Wow ! Well she MAY have been sincere, she may have been on the fence or she may have been uninterested. Texting the above clearly puts you in the last column. There are trends yes, but some of you are acting like this is finite mathmatics ! Come on. She sends a text saying sorry I did not get back to you and maybe another day. I reply and suggest another day and no response after three hours from her text? Come on. Who's calling the kettle black now. Rather she just tell me the truth. Its much better than these stupid games. One would think a 34 y.o. woman would not be so, well, immature.
Cee Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Calling people "heartless and cowardly" is counterproductive. This dating stuff is uncomfortable and kinda weird. I've learned to cultivate detachment and a sense of humor. How about you look at it on the other side, the man's side. Men who haven't liked me say they'll call and don't. I'm not offended by that. I interpret the "I'll call you" comment is that the guy will call if he wants another date. I don't take the I'll call you comment as he's interested in me. I take the actual call as interest. The woman gave you valuable info. That she's not worth your time. I know it hurts, but it happens to most of us in the dating arena. We gotta shake it off and move on or sit out on dating for awhile. Good luck and try to focus on the positive- that you had an enjoyable night out.
bac Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Met this woman online. We conversed back and forth through email twice I then suggested we meet. She agreed and we met for drinks and something to eat. Surprisingly, she came to my area instead of me going to her area. I usually always suggest the first date in the woman's area so she is safe in her surroundings. As soon as we locked eyes, we were both smiling. She took a look at the place and wasn't that crazy about it so we chose another one. It was about a block a way. It was raining and we had to cross the street. I extended my hand to hers and we walked hand in hand to the next place. Sat down and ordered drinks and some appetizers. Had no problems talking, smiling and laughing. We seemed to have a lot in common. About 2.5 hours later we left and I walked her to her car. I said I had a great time, and she said the same. I asked if you would be up for doing something again, she said call me. We hugged and she kissed me on my cheek, I reciprocated. It was raining on the street with people around, so I did not want to try a kiss on the lips. Called her at her home to make sure she got home and she said that was sweet. Wished her a good night and that is how we ended it. How does that sound to everyone? I wanted to call on her Saturday and setup like an activity date for Sunday. What does everyone think of that idea? Open to suggestions on activity dates. It sound to me too perfect. Why would you want to describe the perfect events I do not understand. Either you view things in a perfect way, or you both are really good at the first dates. My suggestion for your next date's activity is to email her a list of 6-8 activities for her to choose. You might want to include in your list kayaking, museums, piano bars, scary movie, trip to whatever nearby, watching sights. You also can do a marathon date going to 3 different places which you would plan.
carhill Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 A sobering opinion, having a few more years on the age belt, is that there is no discernible age limit on what is immature or mature behavior. No absolutes. Also, and this is something else women have taught me, her behavior *feels* fine to *her*. Your reaction to it is irrelevant. All that matters to her is her perspective; how she feels. If that lines up with a date with you, props to you. If not, props to a night out with the girls or with another guy. She won't agonize over this because you have yet to warrant anything for her to agonize over, contemplate, cogitate about or otherwise occupy her time with. Learn from this. It's really good information. She may text you again. In fact, I'll predict it right now
Author hearttobreak Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 A sobering opinion, having a few more years on the age belt, is that there is no discernible age limit on what is immature or mature behavior. No absolutes. Also, and this is something else women have taught me, her behavior *feels* fine to *her*. Your reaction to it is irrelevant. All that matters to her is her perspective; how she feels. If that lines up with a date with you, props to you. If not, props to a night out with the girls or with another guy. She won't agonize over this because you have yet to warrant anything for her to agonize over, contemplate, cogitate about or otherwise occupy her time with. Learn from this. It's really good information. She may text you again. In fact, I'll predict it right now She can, but I'm done with it. I do not like to be considered a backup plan.
Author hearttobreak Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 Calling people "heartless and cowardly" is counterproductive. This dating stuff is uncomfortable and kinda weird. I've learned to cultivate detachment and a sense of humor. How about you look at it on the other side, the man's side. Men who haven't liked me say they'll call and don't. I'm not offended by that. I interpret the "I'll call you" comment is that the guy will call if he wants another date. I don't take the I'll call you comment as he's interested in me. I take the actual call as interest. The woman gave you valuable info. That she's not worth your time. I know it hurts, but it happens to most of us in the dating arena. We gotta shake it off and move on or sit out on dating for awhile. Good luck and try to focus on the positive- that you had an enjoyable night out. Understood. But, I did call. That's the difference. Especially when she told me to call her. I would never say I will call you if I did not mean it. If the date did not go well, fine. I would of just walked away and wished her well. I've done that before too. Nothing makes sense here. Oh well, same game, different woman.
carhill Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I don't know your history, but can tell you from being married that, even when you're married, you can never be completely sure that you're not the backup plan. It's just something I've learned to accept. Acceptance is big. It allows for much cowardice, heartlessness and immaturity without prejudice. Neutral emotions. Try it
bac Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Just texted back, it seems like you are not very interested. No prob. Take care. One and a half hrs. for a text message reply shows lack of interest right there. Sorry, I did not read the whole thread. Now, I see that you rejected her yourself. As for dating rules, it is normal to wait for reply about 24 hrs. Women do not reject men directly. It takes a while to figure out if you are rejected.
Author hearttobreak Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 (edited) Sorry, I did not read the whole thread. Now, I see that you rejected her yourself. As for dating rules, it is normal to wait for reply about 24 hrs. Women do not reject men directly. It takes a while to figure out if you are rejected. Well, let's see. No response from her text in a few hours. Very strange behavior. I;m not a monkey, nor will I be treated like one. Guess some women can talk the talk but not walk the walk. I think, possibly attempting to try date are becoming a waste. Waste of time, energy and money. You are either, not good looking enough, not smart enough, not a good enough personality for many of these goddesses. Why do they even bother dating? You know what the funny thing is, she pursued me on Match. Not only that, she city area to my town to meet me. Sorry, nothing makes any sense here. Think life will be better without this drama. I think internet dating has made things worse in the dating realm than better. Edited October 16, 2010 by hearttobreak
carhill Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I think, possibly attempting to try date are becoming a waste. Waste of time, energy and money. You know what the funny thing is, she pursued me on Match. Not only that, she city area to my town to meet me. Yep, BTDT, interest, compliments, kisses and ILY's and poof, gone. Try this: Focus on the moment. If you feel positive about the date, go with that. Enjoy the date. If/when it is not enjoyable as a stand-alone experience, do something else. Align your expectations with the moment. Accept how you feel. If it's not fun and satisfying, don't do it. It's not a 'job'. You can quit anytime, without loss of salary, title or future prospects.
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